12 Dates of Christmas (Christmas Falls: Season 2)

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The air was cool on Leo’s skin so he wrestled the blanket up over them both. Every square inch of his body buzzed with contentment as he burrowed closer to Nick.

Nick’s eyes were closed and his chest rose and fell with quick inhales and exhales.

A part of Leo was tempted to ask him what this meant. What Nick wanted now. But he bit his lip, afraid if he pushed, he’d ruin it. When he’d staged the little moment with Jett earlier, he’d hoped he’d get Remy’s attention and help Jett out.

He’d never imagined this. Never dreamed Nick would respond this way or admit he wanted Leo. And okay, Leo was biased but that had been fucking great sex, especially for a first time.

He smoothed a hand across Nick’s chest, exploring the sprinkle of dark hair there. Hot . He could feel questions crowding against his tongue, struggling to burst forth, and he bit his lip, trying to enjoy the moment and bask in the feel of Nick’s arms around him.

He smelled good. Like a warm, crackling fire and spices and a sweet richness that made Leo want to lick him all over.

“Ugh, I should clean up,” Nick said with a low groan. “I need to get this condom off and I’m lying in the wet spot and it’s not pleasant.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

“No, don’t apologize.” Nick pressed his lips to Leo’s hair. “This is nice.”

Leo propped himself on one elbow. “Just nice?”

“The sex was phenomenal. Lying here with you would be amazing too if we weren’t such a mess.”

“Fair,” Leo said, sitting up with a grin. “I can accept that. Want to shower with me?” It would be a super tight fit in the tiny shower, but it would be totally worth it.

“I’ll borrow a cloth, if you don’t mind. I should head home soon,” Nick said with a sigh as he sat upright too.

“Yeah? You could stay, if you wanted,” Leo offered, though he suspected Nick would say no.

Nick gave Leo a look he couldn’t read, then shook his head, settling his hand on Leo’s thigh. “I can’t. Gotta get home to Jelly.”

“Would you otherwise?” Leo asked, because he was a stupid masochist like that.

Nick hesitated, then shook his head. “No. And it’s not that I don’t want to. A part of me does. I just …”

“You’re not ready?” Leo supplied when it was clear Nick wasn’t going to finish.

“That,” Nick said. “And, honestly, I feel like I’ve muddied the waters enough. I was supposed to be finding dates for you. Not having sex with you. This was incredibly unprofessional of me.”

Leo bit his lip. Fuck. He’d been afraid of this.

“Do you regret it?” Leo asked quietly, staring down at the rumpled sheets.

“No. Of course not. I just—I don’t want to get your hopes up, Leo. I know you’re a romantic and I like that about you. But I?—”

“You can’t offer me what I want.”

“No.” Nick’s mouth turned down. “I’m not ready.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Leo said softly. “I’m a big boy. I can handle it. This is just some casual sex.”

Nick winced. “I’d like to think it’s a little more than that.”

“Well, friends with benefits, anyway,” Leo said with a forced grin. “I get the difference. I really do. You’re not offering me commitment.”

Nick sighed. “No matter what you call it, casual isn’t my style.”

Leo raised an eyebrow. “Sounds to me like you’re the one who isn’t clear about what you want.”

“No, it’s not that. Or, maybe it is. I don’t know.” Nick’s expression turned conflicted. “You’re—you’re the second person I’ve ever had sex with, Leo. That’s … that’s not something I take lightly.”

“Oh,” Leo whispered. He’d known Nick and Nicole had been together for a long time and that Nick had been in mourning, but he’d thought there had been someone else when Nick was younger. Or someone since Nicole’s death. “Does it matter that I’m a guy?”

Nick shook his head. “No. The sex was amazing and I—I liked being with you. That part was perfect. I … I need some time to process it all. To really think about my future.”

Leo frowned, but nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

“I’m sorry.” Nick said and he truly did look sorry. “I feel like I hurt you or let you down or led you on …”

Leo managed a faint smile. “We both know I’m a hopeless romantic, Nick. Maybe—maybe for a minute I let myself think this was something more but you’ve been nothing but honest with me.”

“You’re such a good person, Leo,” Nick said thickly.

Gah, why did that feel like there was a but there? A polite brush-off. But Nick remained silent.

“Thanks,” Leo said, eventually, long past the point of awkwardness.

“I should, uh, go clean up,” Nick said tightly.

“Bathroom’s down the hall,” Leo told him. “Help yourself to anything you need. Just, um, be careful. The door tends to stick.”

“Sure. Thanks.”

Leo stared blankly at the wall next to the bed until Nick returned and began dressing. When he was done, Leo stood, pasting a smile on his face. “Um, I’m going to go shower. You want me to walk you out?”

“No.” Nick cleared his throat. “I can—I can let myself out.”

They stood there, staring at each other for several long moments before Nick wet his lips and stepped forward. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Leo said, because what the fuck else was there to say? He’d had the best sex of his life and now the dude was walking out. And Leo couldn’t even be fucking mad at him because he got why Nick was feeling weird and awkward. Why he was probably feeling guilty and conflicted.

He hugged Nick goodbye because he hated the miserable, hangdog look on Nick’s face. Nick let out a shuddering sigh, burrowing against him for a moment before he pulled away.

Nick opened his mouth like he was going to say something—probably apologize or something stupid like that—so Leo kissed him. It was short and tinged with the flavor of regret but he kissed Nick in case it was the last time he ever got to do that.

“G’night,” Leo said thickly and turned and fled down the hall for the bathroom. A few minutes later, over the rushing of the water, Leo heard Nick’s footfalls in the hallway. They stopped outside the door for a moment, then continued on. A moment later, the apartment door closed.

Fuck! Leo leaned his head against the shower wall and burst into tears.

Nick’s heart was heavy as he let himself into his home a short while later. He’d screwed that up, hadn’t he?

He could smell and taste Leo in his nose and on his skin. He could hear the echo of Leo’s desperate little sounds and the feel of his body curled close. Nick could see the hurt in Leo’s eyes and his throat thickened.

He’d … he’d hurt Leo. And that was a terrible feeling. Earlier, as they’d talked behind The White Elephant, Nick had only meant to reassure Leo he was wanted.

And he was.

Having sex with Leo certainly hadn’t made Nick want him any less.

It had only made him want Leo more . He’d wanted to stay curled up in Leo’s bed. He’d wanted to pull Leo even closer, kiss him until he was breathless and laughing. Kiss him until their eyes drooped and they grew too tired to kiss anymore.

He wanted to sleep beside Leo and wake him up with breakfast. He wanted to tell Leo to stop looking for anyone else when Nick was right here .

But the longer he lay there, the more anxious and guilty he felt. What if it was too soon? What if he wasn’t ready?

Nick hung his coat on the peg rail by the door, staring at the empty spots where Nicole’s jackets and umbrella had once dangled. He’d had a similar empty spot in his heart for so long. For a while, he’d thought he’d never want to fill it up with someone else’s clutter. Someone else’s love.

But he’d been wrong. He did want it.

It scared him. It scared him to think of letting himself get close to someone. Letting himself open to the idea of love.

He’d put the idea of love in a box and shoved it into the future. To a point where he never thought he’d actually get to. Not shutting himself off from it, but delaying it.

But no … he was tricking himself, wasn’t he? He was shutting himself off because it was safer and less terrifying than risking being hurt again. Hell, this wasn’t even the first time he’d done something like that.

He’d pushed Ford away when he needed a friend the most. He’d turned down dates, walled his heart off … He’d been afraid of letting anyone be close.

“Fuck,” Nick whispered and the noise echoed in the empty home.

From the other room, Jelly chirped and he heard the quiet sound of padding feet on the wooden floors as she ran to him. He picked her up and buried his face against her fur, feeling the warm rumble coming from her chest. “What do I do, Jelly?” he whispered.

She didn’t answer, of course, so he carried her through the house. But when he could have turned to go into the kitchen to feed her, he went toward the office instead. He slipped inside, clicking on the lamp on his desk.

Jelly squirmed in his arms so he let her jump down, eager to explore the room she was rarely allowed in.

Nick stared at the photographs he’d taken on the trips he and Nicole went on, smiling wistfully at the sight of the waters of Pendleton Bay, sparkling in the summer sun.

He thought of Leo’s bio on the matchmaking app. I love exploring new places and I hope to travel more in the future. I’m a hopeless romantic, looking to find my happily ever after.

“But it’s not easy, Leo,” Nick whispered. “Sometimes forever is only a couple of decades.”

Nick shook his head because he’d never once, not even in the depths of the worst of his grief, regretted loving Nicole. He’d never regretted the time they’d had. It had been worth it. Every second of it. Even the call from the hospital. Drowning in grief beside her grave, his sister’s tight grip the only thing keeping him from collapsing.

He’d never regretted loving Nicole so why was he so fucking resistant to the idea of finding that with someone else?

And while on the surface, Leo might seem like a somewhat unlikely candidate—he was so young, so inexperienced at relationships—he filled something inside Nick he couldn’t quite explain. Nick felt more alive, more hopeful with Leo around. More like himself than he had in years.

He walked over the shelf of books, tracing his finger across the Morgan Nicola name inked on the spines.

“How do your heroes do it?” Nick whispered. “How do they know when they’ve found their person?”

Fuck, he was a matchmaker. He’d had a happy marriage for fifteen fucking years. He should know what made for good relationships. Should know when it was right. When the feelings went beyond lust and infatuation, when they held the potential to grow from a tiny kernel of love into something strong and true and real .

Nick searched the shelf, looking for a book about a widower finding love again.

He cracked A Model Husband open, nose filling with the familiar scent of paper and ink. He skimmed through the text, the details coming back to him as he read.

Nick had always read her books, been one of the first people she sent them to for feedback, and he’d been so fucking proud of her and what she’d created. So in awe of the way she made imaginary people come to life, the way they grew, the way they tugged at his heartstrings.

“I need your help,” he whispered. “Please, tell me how I get this right. I don’t want to hurt him.”

A moment later, Nick paused, reading more slowly.

“How do I know when it’s right?” Damien asked, pacing in front of the desk. “When I’m ready to move on?”

Kenzie smiled at him. “You don’t. You just have to trust.”

Nick closed the book and pressed it against his chest, staring at his reflection in the dark window across the room but not seeing it.

“Is that it?” he asked. “Is it that simple?”

Jelly wound around his ankles, mewing impatiently for food, which wasn’t very helpful. But something inside Nick’s chest seemed to settle for the first time since he left Leo’s apartment and he nodded to himself.

Trust , he thought.

“I can do that,” he said aloud. “I can.”