A Brooding Christmas Promise (Christmas Matches of Worth #2)

Chapter Two

Samuel poured himself another brandy and then flung himself back down in his chair by the fire. The invitation from Lord Trenton rested, open, on the chair next to him where he had set it and his eyes turned to it again.

I do not want to go to London.

He closed his eyes. But nor do I want to remain here, alone.

That had been the greatest trouble for him of late. He had spent the last couple of years at his estate – not refusing company, of course – but not giving any thought to making his way to London, particularly not at this time of year. It held too many painful memories, too many sorrowful thoughts, and Samuel did not want to return to it.

And yet, the notion of staying here at his estate for yet another Christmas alone was not a pleasant one.

Sighing, Samuel took a sip of his brandy and closed his eyes, telling himself that he did not need to read the invitation again. Lord Trenton was his dear friend, had come to call and stay on a few occasions over the last couple of years and had always encouraged Samuel to return to society but had never pressed him to do so. What was he to do now with this invitation when part of him desired to attend simply so that he might be in company again while the other part of him wished to continue to hide himself away.

“If it had not been for her, then I would not be in this position.” Muttering to himself, Samuel pushed one hand through his hair, his heart squeezing painfully. Lady Maria was the source of all this pain, the reason that he suffered so. Had she been true to him, as he had been to her, then none of this would have happened. Even though he pushed them away, even though he gritted his teeth and forced his mind away from such thoughts, they lingered all the same until, without warning, the memories came flooding back.

***

“I want to marry you, Maria.” Samuel’s heart felt as though it was so full of love, it might break apart, such was the joy and the happiness within him. “I have already spoken with your father and he has given me his consent.” Taking her hand in his, wishing desperately that they were alone, Samuel pressed her fingers gently. “I am desperately in love with you, Maria. I cannot think of anything but you, my mind and my heart are consumed with love for you.” Keeping his voice low but speaking with as much fervency as he dared, Samuel moved a little closer to her, wondering what it would be like when he would finally be able to steal a kiss from the lady he had come to love so passionately. “I will give you all of my heart, all of myself. We can build a life together, build a family together, make a home together. It is the only thing that I want.” HE closed his eyes for a moment, struggling to keep his composure. This moment meant so much to him for it was to be the moment that would change his life forever. “To know that you love me just as I love you has meant so much to me. I did not think that I would ever be blessed with such a gift and yet, here you are, offering it to me. And such is the wonder, such is the joy in that, Maria, that my only answer, the only thing I can give in return is to offer you my hand.” A whoosh of breath came out from his chest as he pressed her hand again. “My darling. Will you accept the offer of my hand?”

Lady Maria did not answer him immediately, as he had expected. The terrace was quiet, with only two others present, standing near the doorway rather than near them but surely, Samuel considered, it could not be their presence that made the lady hesitate?

“You are most kind.” Lady Maria closed her eyes, a slight tremble in her frame. “Of course, I shall accept. I –”

“You will?” Samuel made to step forward, only for Lady Maria’s hand to go to his chest, holding him back from her. “Forgive me.” Beaming from ear to ear, Samuel settled his hand over hers as it sat on his chest. “I do not think that I have ever been as happy as I am at this moment. I cannot imagine what joy awaits us! I am sure that –”

A sob broke from Lady Maria’s throat.

Samuel’s smile froze in place. “Maria?” He glanced to the other two guests standing near but neither of them looked at them, perhaps too lost in their own conversation as to overhear Lady Maria’s upset. “Whatever is the matter? Has the thought of matrimony overwhelmed you? I know that it is the hope of every young lady and mayhap –”

“I cannot marry you.”

Blinking rapidly, the air pulling from his lungs, Samuel stared back at the lady, waiting for her to explain, waiting for her to say something… but she did not. Instead, all that happened was that yet more tears fell from her eyes, leaving Samuel nothing but confused and uncertain.

“You just accepted me,” he murmured, after a few moments. “But now you say that you cannot? I do not understand.”

Another sob broke from her lips but this time, she stifled it by one hand pressing hard to her mouth. Lifting her gaze to his, tears spilling in her eyes, she gave him a short, sharp shake of the head.

“You cannot marry me.” Samuel’s heart began to twist painfully, his whole being turning icy cold. “Why? I do not understand. You must explain yourself, Maria, please.” He tried to speak calmly but the upset in his chest began to fill his voice, her eyes darting to his and then away again as a single tear fell to her cheek. Samuel, resolving not to say anything more as he waited for her to speak, took his hand from hers and clenched it into a fist, forcing himself to wait. It felt like hours had passed until, managing to compose herself, Lady Maria finally spoke.

“I – I am sorry,” she whispered, her eyes closing tightly as she shuddered visibly. “I cannot marry you, not when my heart belongs to another.”

It was as though the floor had opened up and swallowed Samuel whole. Everything he knew, everything he believed, everything he had built the last few months upon evaporated in an instant, his foundation crumbling.

“I have not been truthful with you – or with anyone,” she continued, each word difficult for her to speak, such was her upset. “Father would never permit me to marry him but I cannot help my heart. He wants to elope and I… I wish to do so.”

“Elope?” Samuel repeated the word, dizziness beginning to attack him as he stumbled back from her, feeling the cool wall behind him, supporting him as he stared at the lady he loved, the lady he now realized he did not know in the least. “What do you mean?”

She shook her head, wordlessly as Samuel pressed one hand hard to his forehead. How could it be? He had been so sure of his love for her, so certain that she returned it – for she had said those very words – but now, it seemed, that had been nothing but a lie.

“How could you do this?” A trembling fury swept over him, stealing away his shock. “How could you pretend?”

“Because my father would not permit me to court him,” came the answer, her eyes now brimming with tears as she looked back at him, coming a little closer as though, somehow, she might be able to convince him of her goodness in all of this. “I cannot help my heart, Samuel! I thought that… I thought I might be able to force my heart to forget him by looking to you instead. I am very fond of you, truly, but – ”

Samuel sliced his hand through the air between them. “Do not even try to pretend that there is any sort of good in this. You may be kind-hearted towards me but that is not what you said to me. You told me, clearly, that you were in love with me, just as I was with you, that your heart was full of nothing but affection and now I discover that this was nothing but a lie?”

Lady Maria closed her eyes, one hand at her mouth as she sobbed.

“How could you do this?” The anger began to fade, leaving nothing but pain, a dark, sharp, stinging pain that grew in intensity with every second that passed. “I thought I had everything and now I have nothing. Nothing aside from the whispers and the gossip that the ton will spread amongst society until I have only shame and mortification left to claim as my own.”

With a sniff, Lady Maria opened her eyes again and looked at him. “I should not have kept up the pretence. I wanted to do just as my father expected but my heart would not permit me.” She sniffed lightly and pulled out her handkerchief, though her gloves were already damp and stained with tears. “I know I do not deserve to ask this, but if you ever cared for me at all, then might you keep this to yourself for even one more day?”

What she was asking him hit Samuel so hard, he lurched to the other side, his eyes going wide.

“I know that I do not deserve this kindness, not after what I have done,” she said again, coming closer to him though her nearness was the very last thing that Samuel wanted. “But please, keep your silence for even one day more.”

“So that you can be taken to Scotland by the gentleman you care for,” Samuel rasped, as Lady Maria nodded, her eyes now wide and staring, fearful that he would refuse. Samuel shook his head, scrubbed one hand down his face and then looked away, hearing her sob. The pain within it tore at his heart, confusing him heavily for surely he ought not to feel any sort of compassion towards her but, instead, ought there not to be only upset and anger?

“It will give me time to prepare to leave London, I suppose,” he muttered, turning bodily away from her. “I do not want to linger in society when they hear that you have eloped with a gentleman that is not I.”

Lady Maria put both hands over her face and let out an enormous sob which, unfortunately, attracted the attention of the two guests nearby. Samuel, sensing that there might well soon be whispers already spoken of about this moment if he did not do something, quickly took Lady Maria’s hand and, though he wanted nothing more than to stride away from her and leave her to her tears, he quickly led her back to the front of the terrace, turning his back to the other two guests in the hope that they might realize that he did not want their company.

“You must compose yourself, else we shall never escape this evening without the ton noticing that something is amiss.” He quickly removed her hand from his arm. “And I shall have to play the fool until we can both take our leave.”

“You are not a fool.”

Her whispered words did nothing to soothe his heart and Samuel scowled, shaking his head and turning his face away from her. “Oh yes, I am,” he answered her, firmly. “And I am certain that everyone within society shall think it of me also, once it is known that the lady I wished to betroth myself to has eloped with another.”

There came a long and heavy silence, punctuated only by the small sniffs from Lady Maria. Samuel gripped the edge of the terrace with both hands, feeling such a wide mix of emotions, he could not separate one from the other. What was he to do? His heart was already torn into pieces, he was sure, but he would have to wear a mask and disguise all that he felt for the rest of the evening, for tomorrow and for as many days thereafter as it took for him to leave London. There would be far too many whispers, too many sidelong glances and perhaps even words in the society newspaper about what had happened for him to accept without concern. No, he would have to leave London… and remain away for some time.

“I want you to know that I am sorry.”

Samuel stiffened. “Your apology makes very little difference to me, Maria,” he said, harshly. “You have broken me completely.” Hearing her sob once more, Samuel remained unmoved, wanting her to understand exactly what it was she had done. “I am in a thousand pieces and I do not think that I will ever be restored again, not for as long as I live.”

***

“But I am restored,” Samuel muttered to himself, as the memory came to an end. It was not a complete healing, of course, for he was still constantly attacked by the memory of what had happened, feeling the pain of her deceit breaking upon him over and over again – but he did not still love her. In that regard, he had been restored. His heart had not broken into a million pieces and remained that way. Instead, he had been putting it back together, piece by piece, until it was entirely his own and held no-one else within it.

And never shall again.

With a scowl, Samuel lifted the brandy glass to his lips and took a long sip. Yes, he considered, he could go to London for the Christmas Season but with no intention nor expectation of pursuing any sort of young lady. The thought of matrimony was now something dark, something he did not want to contemplate but that did not mean that he could not enjoy London, did it? He would simply have to make it clear to society that he had no interest in such a thing and pray that, thereafter, they would accept him just as he stated.

There might still be whispers and rumours about what happened.

Throwing back his brandy, Samuel’s scowl deepened. He had not endured much given that he had practically run from London the very same day as Lady Maria’s elopement had been discovered but he had heard that there had been many of them and that they had endured for some time.

“Then I either suffer them or I remain here,” he told himself, setting his brandy glass down. With a sigh, he picked up the invitation again and read it through, feeling a slight tug of interest which he wanted very much to ignore. Seeing that he could not, Samuel set it back down, leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

I am going to London.