A Brooding Christmas Promise (Christmas Matches of Worth #2)

Chapter Sixteen

That kiss had broken something in him, though Samuel did not know what it might be. It had come over him with a roar, sweeping through his frame until he had been barely able to breathe. When he had lifted his head, it had been almost enough to have him declare his affection for her right there and then, given what he had seen in her eyes – but good sense and a twinge of fear had prevented him from doing so.

“Good evening, my friend.” Lord Trenton set one hand on Samuel’s shoulder, grinning broadly. “I saw you with Miss Millerton, dancing across the floor. An interest there, I think?”

“An interest?” A streak of fire ran up Samuel’s spine. “I – I would not say… that is to say, I cannot be – ”

At this, Lord Trenton began to chuckle, shaking his head as though Samuel had caused him a great deal of mirth. “Goodness, my friend! You are not about to tell me that you care nothing for the lady, are you?”

“Will you keep your voice low, please?” Samuel hissed, coming a little closer to Lord Trenton. “There are so many guests here that – ”

“Guests who all believe you betrothed to the lady,” his friend interrupted, his smile lingering. “One begins to wonder if you might now be thinking that this engagement could very well continue?”

Samuel blinked furiously, attempting to shake his head and state that no, he had no such thoughts, only for the truth to hit him right between the eyes.

He did not want to separate himself from the lady.

I cannot want such a thing. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he squeezed his eyes closed tightly. I cannot! I have always told myself that I would not consider matrimony with any sort of seriousness until I had no other choice but to do so.

“That is no bad thing,” Lord Trenton continued, as though he knew Samuel’s thoughts. “To find yourself drawn to the lady is an excellent outcome, I must say!”

“Excellent?” Samuel repeated, his voice a little hoarse. “I do not think it can be. I have told myself that there is no possibility of igniting affection within my heart again, not after all I have endured.”

“But surely you can see that Miss Millerton is entirely different from the previous,” Lord Trenton said, speaking quietly now, his eyes searching Samuel’s face. “Come now, I – ”

“Do you wish to play cards?” Samuel gestured to the table ahead of them both. “That is what I have come for, nothing more.”

His friend frowned, a heaviness settling over his expression. “I do not mean to upset you, Crestwood. I only wish to encourage you, in fact.”

Encourage me towards her? It is not as though I need such encouragement. The thoughts began to throw themselves into Samuel’s mind and he winced, attempting to consider each one. “There is much I must think on, Trenton, that is all.”

“I see.” Lord Trenton, clearly understanding, made his way to the table. “Then yes, I shall enjoy a game of cards with you though I do hope that you will not ignore all that you have been thinking of and set it aside in the belief that you will be able to forget it. You have a chance of happiness here, my friend, and I would not want you to miss it.”

Samuel nodded but said nothing, sitting down so he might concentrate on cards rather on what that brief kiss with Miss Millerton had done to his heart. And yet, all the same, the desire to pull himself closer to her, to continue on with their increasing intimacy grew all the stronger so that even when he looked at the cards in his hand, all he saw was her face.

***

“Good afternoon, Lady Grifford.”

Samuel bowed and then straightened, lifting his chin as he looked back at Lady Grifford who had risen from her chair at once and taken a few steps towards him.

“I have come to call as you have asked,” Samuel continued, disliking every moment that he spent in her company. After last evening’s confusion, he had taken himself to his bedchamber and slept fitfully, tossing and turning as he battled all manner of thoughts. One of those thoughts had, unfortunately, been of Lady Grifford and of his promise to her – and how much he did not desire to call upon her. However, he was a man of his word and thus, he now found himself standing in her drawing room, hoping that the conversation would not last more than a few minutes.

“You did come to call, as you said.” Lady Grifford’s eyes were flooded with tears as she gazed at him, never once lifting her gaze from his. “You cannot know how grateful I am for your presence.”

Samuel cleared his throat, looking away from her. “Whatever it is you wish to say, Lady Grifford, I am ready to hear it.”

Evidently a little frustrated, Lady Grifford cast her eyes up to the ceiling for a moment before shaking her head. When she looked back at him, there was a slight tightness to her jaw which Samuel had never noticed before.

“Must you be so formal?” A hint of annoyance ran through her voice. “We were so very close and –”

“Yes, I think we must be,” Samuel interrupted, again refusing to permit her to have any hint that what they had once shared would bring out a tenderness within him. “Now, what was it you wished to say to me?”

Lady Grifford blinked rapidly though, much to Samuel’s relief, no tears fell. “Will you not sit? I have called for a tea tray to be brought, though there is some very fine French brandy in the corner if you wish?” She smiled briefly. “I know that you have always been partial to it.”

Samuel cleared his throat. “I do not wish for brandy at this moment, nor even for tea.” Seeing the flicker of hurt across her expression, he went to sit down, having no intention of being harsh but certainly firm. “The only thing I want, Lady Grifford, is to listen to whatever it is that you wish to say to me. Thereafter, I shall take my leave.”

“That is all you will do?” Lady Grifford sat down directly beside him, making Samuel distinctly uncomfortable. “Surely, you will have something to say also? You will have a good many things to tell me about how I have influenced you, yes? How you have been upset by all that I have done?”

Samuel shook his head. “There is nothing that I wish to say to you. There may have been, at one time, but not at the present moment. I have thought for too long about all that took place and ruminated endlessly. That has now come to an end and, thus, I have no interest in expressing anything to you.”

She closed her eyes. “Then I shall speak,” she said, a little more quietly. “Given that I was the one who caused you a great deal of injury, it is only right for me to not only apologise but to practically throw myself at your feet by way of an apology! I would do that if you wished it, for I know that I must have caused you a great deal of pain.”

Samuel looked back at her steadily. “Yes, you did, but there is no need to labor over the past, Lady Grifford. It is all at an end now.”

She shook her head, a single tear splashing onto her cheek. “Can you really mean those words? I confess that it has not come to an end for me as yet.”

Something tight twisted itself into Samuel’s stomach and he looked away, relieved that he did not feel any interest in pulling closer to her. “Yes, there is nothing more for us to say to each other in that regard,” he said, as firmly as he could. “If you feel the need to unburden yourself then please, do so, but do not feel as though it is required. I am not desperately waiting for that to take place, I can assure you!”

“No?”

Her hand touched his and Samuel’s head whipped around, seeing her a little closer to him now. Quickly, he pulled his hand away and then rose to his feet, an uncomfortable prickling running over his skin. Whatever was it that she was trying to do? “No.”

Lady Grifford let out a long, lamenting sigh which, he presumed, might be an attempt to garner sympathy from him. “I find it hard to believe that you are so willing and so ready to forgive me after all the pain and sorrow and shame I caused you.”

“And yet, that is the truth.”

She too got to her feet, standing to face him directly though she did not come any closer to him, much to his relief. “I should never have left your side,” she said, with a steadiness now in her voice which surprised Samuel a good deal. “I realise now that I was not in love with Lord Grifford, as I thought, but rather was somewhat infatuated with him. I did not listen to advice, I did not think of him as I ought to have done and instead, allowed myself to become caught up in all that he offered me. I should have compared the two of you to each other, for then I would have realised just how much I had in being your betrothed. I might not have given it all up for some foolishness which almost led to ruin.”

“I see.” Samuel was not certain what else there was to say. To his mind, Lady Grifford was merely expressing her own regret, though it was combined with an apology to him also which he did appreciate, though he still felt it unnecessary. “I do hope you have unburdened yourself now, Lady Grifford. I should take my leave.”

“I know that your betrothal is not one of love.”

Samuel stopped dead, his eyes widening at the edges as he turned his head to look back at the lady. “I beg your pardon?”

Lady Grifford lifted her chin just a little, though her fingers twisted together in front of her. “I know that you do not really care for Miss Millerton, that you do not love her.”

“And how could you know such a thing?”

The lady spread out her hands. “It was not deliberate, I assure you, but I heard you speak with Lord Trenton as you waited to play cards at Lord Howden’s soiree. I was also in attendance but managed to keep myself hidden among the crowd of people. It was only in passing but I heard you say clearly that you had already determined not to permit affection back into your heart again. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for that for I can see that it is my doing.”

His whole frame felt stiff and tight with both tension and slow growing anger; anger that she had not only overheard him but now thought it suitable to bring up in conversation. Did she not realize that they were now entirely separate? That there was nothing between them any longer? “Lady Grifford, I must make it clear to you that my affairs are solely that – mine.”

“Oh, I am well aware of that and I must beg your forgiveness in speaking as I have done, but I must hope that in time, you will permit your heart to open again.”

It took Samuel a few moments to gather himself, his anger still hot as he gazed into the face of the lady he had once loved. “My heart and my affections are entirely my own business. Whatever you may have overheard, there is no need for you to consider them. I am engaged to marry Miss Millerton, and that I shall do.” The confidence and determination in his voice made his own heart believe it, albeit just for a few seconds, and it leaped up fiercely. Taking in a slow breath, Samuel turned away from Lady Grifford, suddenly desperate to leave her company. “Do excuse me.”

“One thing more I must ask.”

It took all of Samuel’s inner strength not to turn about and inform her that he had neither the time nor the desire to listen to her any longer. Instead, he remained where he was in silence rather than speaking, no longer willing to turn back to look at her.

“If it is that there is a small, abiding affection for me still – something I know I do not deserve and have never deserved – then might I beg of you to be bold enough to share it with me?”

Samuel’s head swung around sharply, astonishment chasing away his anger but Lady Grifford was not finished.

“Mayhap it is that we were always meant to find happiness together,” she continued, reaching out one hand to him only to let it fall back to her side again. “I was the one who did not see it, I was the one who pushed you away. But now, mayhap, we are being given another chance to find our way back together again.”

“No.” His voice rasped so greatly and was so filled with emotion, Samuel did not know if the lady had understood him. Swiping the air with his hand, he made to step towards her, determined to make himself clear, only for there to come a knock at the door. To his surprise, Lady Grifford called for the butler to enter rather than permitting them to finish their conversation – and he found himself all the more surprised when she bade her new callers to enter! A little taken aback and feeling himself unsettled, Samuel made his way to the door directly, refusing to give Lady Grifford any kind of farewell in the hope that he might slip out without being noticed, only for Lady Ryndale to step into the room, alongside her daughter and another he did not recognize. Giving them only the smallest of bows, he stepped out almost immediately, sweat breaking out across his brow.

“Goodness, was that not Lord Crestwood?” he heard Lady Ryndale ask, as the door closed. “He called upon you? The gentleman to whom you were almost engaged some years ago?”

Samuel let out a low groan and rubbed one hand over his face, hearing the whispers and the gossip already beginning to fly through London. He could only pray that Lady Grifford would make it clear to her guests that there was nothing of any interest between them though, given what she had said, Samuel began to fear that she would do entirely the opposite.

I should tell Miss Millerton what has happened, he mused, making to sit in the carriage, shivering as he did so given the coldness of the winter air and the gusty wind. She should be prepared.

He blinked rapidly to himself, realizing that what he was thinking of was entirely unnecessary. Miss Millerton and he were not truly engaged, they were not about to marry and therefore, she would not be hurt if she heard such rumors, would she?

But I still want to tell her.

Letting out a low groan, Samuel covered his face with his hands as the carriage took him home. His heart was in a ball of confusion, covered in threads from the past and yet twined with the heart of another. He was aware of it now, unable to turn from it, unable to pretend that he did not have any sort of affection for Miss Millerton. She was settling all the more deeply into his heart this Christmas time and the more he thought of ending the betrothal, the more his heart cried out with pain at even the thought of it. But yes, as far as he knew, she was still determined not to wed, to do as her late father had begged of her so even if he did confess that he might have an affection for her, she might then go on to refuse him and his heart would be quite broken… all over again.

With another sigh, Samuel leaned his head back against the squabs and closed his eyes.

Whatever am I to do?