A Christmas Romance in the Scottish Highlands (Scottish Highlands #6)

Chapter 23

23

ELLA

‘I…’ Alex shook his head and gulped. ‘I’m…I don’t know what to say without sounding like I have a huge ego or I’m conceited. Neither appeals.’

‘When we met, I thought you were both, so you’ve got nothing to lose.’ Ella joked.

Alex chuckled, his chest vibrating, and Ella wondered if he’d ever laughed this much in one go.

‘You might as well try me,’ she pressed. ‘I promise to listen without judgement – at least until you’re done.’

He shook his head. ‘I don’t talk. No one wants to listen to someone whining.’ He sounded frustrated.

‘Is it really whining, though?’ Ella asked. ‘I bend Mae’s ear off all the time if I’m having a bad day and if Aggie or Blair are around, I go to them. It’s important to share. We all need to offload onto somebody. It’s what keeps us sane.’

Ella realised the irony as she said it. How many times had she shrugged off that advice herself, preferring instead to ignore her problems?

He winced. ‘I have my mate Stan, he talks to me.’ He paused. ‘I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked back, but I don’t think so. He was surprised the other day when I told him I was pleased to hear from him.’ He fell silent considering the revelation. ‘It must be exasperating for him,’ he said faintly. ‘But he never said.’

‘Perhaps he’s just waiting until you’re ready?’ she suggested. ‘Friends do that, good ones anyway.’

He let out a long breath. ‘Maybe. He’s in New Zealand at the moment – but he’s coming home soon. He wants me to work with him, but I don’t know what to do.’ His eyebrows met and his chest heaved. ‘Talking like this, sharing, feels, I dinnae know?—’

‘Terrifying?’ Ella guessed.

He raised an eyebrow. ‘Jeez. You sound like Henry. You don’t hold back, do you?’ He swallowed. ‘I don’t think I’m afraid, it’s hard to explain. If I was going to try, I’d say my feelings don’t matter. They’re an indulgence – something to work through and ignore. All that’s important is what I do and achieve. How high I climb. My success and happiness are linked to how well I paint, how much money I make, how good I look, who wants to work with me or date me – and what people say when I’m not around.’ His lips pinched. ‘Although scratch that, I’m not sure that matters either because I doubt anyone says anything nice behind my back.’

‘I do,’ Ella blurted. ‘To Wyatt,’ she followed up, her tone teasing. ‘Tell me, who decides what matters?’

Alex took a moment to respond. ‘Me?’

‘You’re not sure?’ Ella asked, her voice hushed. ‘Can we try something?’ She leaped to her feet. ‘It might help.’

‘We’re supposed to be painting.’ Alex pointed to the canvas.

‘We’ve got all night,’ she sang, and Wyatt whined from where he’d gone to lie down. ‘Okay I promise this won’t take long.’

She ran to the edge of the stage and flicked off the lights, plunging the stage and main hall into darkness.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Bear with me. We need a blanket.’ She ran to the back and picked up a couple from the props basket before spreading the thickest and fluffiest on the ground. ‘Lie on your back and shut your eyes.’

‘Is this a trick?’ Alex looked at the blanket and then at her, confused. ‘Are you going to paint a moustache on me and take a lot of embarrassing photos?’ He sounded nervous.

‘Nope.’ Ella snorted. ‘We’re friends, remember?’

She saw the pulse beat at the edge of his jaw as he considered, watched him lick his lips as if they’d suddenly gone dry. The man clearly didn’t trust anyone aside from his friend Stan. But he did as he was asked and went to lay on his back. Ella felt something inside her click as she acknowledged the gift he’d just given her.

‘One more minute.’ She jogged to the edge of the stage and searched for the light panel. Mae had shown her where to find the switches the first year she’d joined the panto and she flicked one down, then grinned when the ceiling filled with swirls of luminous spinning stars. ‘You can look now,’ she said, jogging back and stretching onto the rug beside Alex.

‘So…we’re doing this because?’ he asked after a few moments of shocked silence.

‘It’s going to help you relax – and stop overthinking so we can get to the good stuff.’ She looked up and linked her fingers on her stomach watching the stars spin round and round. ‘Now you need to wish on one of those. It’s going to help you work out what matters to you. Mae made me do it once.’

‘What did you wish for?’ Alex asked, and she could hear him shift on the blanket, guessed he might be looking at her because her cheek began to prickle.

‘I wished for time to paint, for something in my life to change.’ She’d been bone-tired, and she’d skipped Henry’s lesson again because there’d been no time to make it to Pinecone Manor. She’d been missing her father so much and the days had felt like they were all merging. She was getting older and older, and her life felt like it was filled with nothing but cleaning and a million chores, and she’d felt trapped. ‘It took almost a year, but I suppose my wish came true in the end.’ She looked at him. His mouth was quirked in the corner, and she wondered if he was laughing at her.

‘I think that was less about star magic and more about you finally speaking to your stepbrothers,’ he said dryly.

‘You say that now, but you haven’t experienced the magic for yourself…Go on, make a wish. What have you got to lose?’

‘My dignity and self-respect,’ Alex said dryly, and she heard him sigh long and hard. But he didn’t move, and she took comfort from that because a week ago she doubted he’d have even considered lying down, let alone staying. ‘Is this a fairy godmother thing?’ Alex asked after a few moments of charged silence. ‘Because you need to know Prince Charming didn’t have one.’

‘A flaw in the story,’ Ella shot back. ‘He had a father with expectations that he’d marry – who knows if the prince wanted to do something else? He could have been harbouring a secret wish to?—’

‘Collect shells?’ Alex jumped in, his voice wistful.

‘Shells?’ Ella repeated.

Alex cleared his throat. ‘This is ridiculous.’ He made to get up, but she reached over and pressed a hand to his forearm.

‘Just give it more time,’ she begged, turning back to watch the stars, leaving her hand resting on Alex’s arm when he didn’t move. After a few more moments, Ella felt his muscles relax. He didn’t shake her hand off and she took comfort from the connection and the fact that he hadn’t broken it. ‘You helped me with my dream,’ she whispered. ‘Now it’s my turn. Watch the stars, aren’t they hypnotising?’

‘Not the word I’d use.’ Alex sighed, but when Ella glanced at him, he was staring at the ceiling, frowning.

‘Just say whatever you want – it can be the first thing that comes into your mind. I won’t tell anyone, and Wyatt’s lips will remain sealed – so long as you keep feeding him carrots.’

‘I hope you’re right about that,’ Alex said, and Ella grinned. He was finally relaxing, giving her his trust. ‘Fine,’ he said eventually, then he went quiet again.

Ella stared at the glittering lights as they swirled. She could hear creaks from the floorboards under the blanket and let herself soften into them, giving Alex the silence that he needed to find the answers to her question.

‘I want to be enough,’ he said eventually, his voice so hushed she almost didn’t hear.

‘Enough?’ she repeated, holding her breath and waiting for him to say more.

‘This is stupid,’ Alex growled, and Ella turned as he began to get up.

‘Perhaps,’ she said as he caught and held her gaze. ‘But it’s a few moments of your life, and it’s not going to kill you. You keep talking about all the things you need and have to do – you never talk about what you want or what matters to you.’

She stared at his profile when he looked away, saw his jaw flex – a tiny movement in the corner where the bone connected to the bottom of his ear. ‘What does enough mean?’ she pressed, determined to make him crack wide open.

Ella wasn’t sure what she expected to happen, but she knew getting Alex to confess all might be the first step to helping him. And she wanted to help him because he’d helped her. It had nothing to do with her overwhelming attraction to him. At least that’s what she was telling herself.

He remained silent, but he moved onto his back again and gazed at the ceiling. She could see his jaw grinding and felt ice pool in the pit of her stomach when his frown deepened. She shuffled until their shoulders touched and a wave of need drenched her limbs.

‘You know you’ve got this all wrong,’ he said finally. ‘You’re Cinderella, I’m supposed to be saving you.’

‘Don’t deflect. You’ve done that already,’ she said. ‘Besides, the world’s evolved. Cinderella can save Prince Charming now.’

His eyes darted back and forth following the stars on their never-ending race in the darkness.

‘I don’t know what enough is,’ Alex said gruffly. ‘Perhaps I never will. I only know that I’m not – but I wish I was.’ His chest heaved as if releasing those words had made something inside him pop.

‘Okay.’ Ella sighed. ‘Not enough for who?’

‘I’m…’ He paused, then shook his head. ‘I was going to say my father, but…me, I suppose.’

She moved her hand so she could press it against the side of his jaw, then eased his face around until he was staring at her. ‘That’s a shame,’ she whispered. ‘Because from where I’m lying, you seem like plenty. I mean just how much enough does a man need to be?’

Ella hoped Alex would laugh, that the intensely sombre atmosphere might lighten. She knew they had to get back to the scenery, but she’d started this and wasn’t ready to stop.

‘More compliments?’ Alex arched an eyebrow, but this time he looked thoughtful.

‘Nae.’ She smiled. ‘I don’t want you getting a big head.’

He stared back at her and the brown of his irises darkened as his jaw began to grind. Then he eased forward and gently pressed his mouth to hers, making her gasp and melt into him.

Then Alex broke off the kiss and rose, offering Ella his hand. He waited until she took it so he could help her get up. Then he quickly walked across the stage, back to the paint – leaving her wondering what had happened, and aching because the kiss had left her wanting so much more…