A Christmas Wish on Arran (Scottish Romances #4)

Chapter Forty-Four

Callum took a huge breath and exhaled through his mouth, puffing his cheeks out. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped in front of him. Beth’s voice was full of kindness, and he knew he needed to tell her the truth, but it was always such a hard story to tell. It never got any easier.

‘Isla died. She died when Daisy was just four . . .’ He felt sick as he said the words out loud. He had buried this heartache away for years. Even though Daisy reminded him of his sister every day, he could somehow cope with that. What he found hard were the circumstances that led Daisy to be with him. Everyone who needed to know already knew, and there was no reason for it to be discussed. Until now.

‘Oh Callum. I am sorry. That must have been awful,’ Beth said in a whisper.

He felt a surge of sadness as he remembered how horrific it had been.

‘Do you mind if I ask what happened?’ said Beth.

There was a short silence and he shook his head. ‘No, I don’t mind at all. But I just find it hard to talk about, because . . .’ He could feel Beth’s eyes on him as his heart began to flutter.

‘It’s okay Callum. You don’t need to tell me or say anything.’

‘I find it hard to talk about. Because I completely blame myself for what happened.’ He surprised himself with the force in his voice.

Beth’s gaze didn’t waver from his face and she gave him a small, encouraging nod.

‘I spoke to Isla the night before she died. Not for very long. She was tired and she’d only just managed to get Daisy to sleep. She said she was about to go to bed as she was so tired. She’d had a headache all day, which had got worse, and she felt a bit dizzy. She insisted that a good night’s sleep was all that she needed . . . the thing was Isla never made a fuss. She was very stoic and just got on with things. In the same way that she’d raised Daisy single-handedly.’

‘Was Daisy’s dad ever on the scene?’

He shook his head. ‘No, Isla never told us who he was, and he was never named on the birth certificate. As far as she was concerned, she was the only parent that Daisy needed . . .’ He had to choke back a sob as he thought about Daisy, the trauma she had gone through at such a young age. ‘Isla went to bed and never woke up.’

Beth’s face fell in shock.

Ruby slipped from the sofa and sat between Callum’s feet. He tickled her ears as she pushed closer into him, as though sensing this was hard for him. ‘She failed to mention that she’d fallen off her bike the previous day and banged her head. That explained the headache and the dizziness. But I blame myself. I could have done more . . . if only I had known, I could have helped her and saved her life.’

Beth looked taken aback. ‘What do you mean Callum? Why would you blame yourself?’

‘I’m her big brother. I should have looked after her, especially when she started talking about headaches that night and feeling dizzy. If I hadn’t let her ring off in such a hurry I would have found out about the fall from her bike, and then I would have told her to go and speak to her GP or get herself to A and E. Instead she went to bed that night and she never woke up. Turns out that she had a brain injury from her fall, the headaches and dizziness were both signs of head trauma.’

Beth’s voice was kind. ‘Do you think you saying that would have made the slightest bit of difference? I mean, it sounds like Isla was fairly determined and knew her own mind.’

Callum smiled as he thought about the number of standoffs they’d had as kids. Isla was always so stubborn — she did not like being told what to do. A bit like Daisy. ‘I know. I’ve been through this in my head millions of times over the years. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. It took me a while to stop blaming myself as much. But I think that’s part of the grieving process. You replay everything in your head, you over analyse it until you drive yourself to the brink. At one point I felt as though I was on the verge of a breakdown. Her loss consumed me, but eventually Mum reminded me that we had to focus on doing the best thing for Isla, and that meant looking after Daisy.’

Callum hadn’t opened up like this to anyone in years. She’d moved closer to him and he could smell the vanilla scent of the shower gel that she must have used. Then she pressed her hand on his arm and he felt something good amidst the sadness. He sighed. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without Daisy to focus on. She saved my life.’ Callum thought about how much easier it would have been if Daisy had gone to live with her gran in Crieff. However, that wasn’t an option. His mum had reminded him how much he’d loved growing up on Arran, and that Isla would have liked it if Daisy had the same carefree childhood as them.

Beth took a deep breath. ‘You have done an incredible and selfless thing for Daisy. Your sister would be proud of you Callum. She’s a wonderful young woman.’

He frowned and shrugged. ‘I’ve done my best. Not sure that she would agree, but she’s the most important thing in my life.’ Ruby thumped her tail on the floor. ‘You too Ruby.’ He looked at Beth, neither of them speaking for a moment. He realised how tired he was, and Beth’s pale face was now white.

‘Do you mind if we just sit here for a while?’ he asked.

Beth moved closer to him and put her arm around his shoulders. ‘I don’t mind at all.’

As they sat there together, it was as though the clock had been paused. They were in their own little private cocoon, sharing their stories of heartache and grief and loss.