A Cruel Kindness

Chapter 17

Bellamy

Rationally, I knew that I had much bigger things to worry about. Soren was right, this was signaling something much more serious.

He didn’t actually say it out loud, but I just knew that was what he was thinking.

I also knew that the time was coming where I’d have to come clean. If the Muli Royal family, with Elijah doing their bidding, was done extending offers of peace and were prepared to unleash the full force of their army on us, I needed to say something.

There hadn’t been enough time for the note I slipped Carson to get to Elijah, or the Prince, and generate a response yet.

All of that should have been weighing down on me oppressively, but the only thing I could think about was how Soren had almost died right in front of me.

As we walked along the trail back to camp, I let Clover take the lead. She knew exactly what I needed, hanging just an inch back from Lucky so that I could stare at Soren and remind myself that he was alive.

Until the end of my days, I would never forget the terror that pumped through my veins when I saw him go over that cliff. Nothing else seemed important but him, two planets be damned.

I was losing my strength fighting the Bond.

Even now, it was chanting closer over and over in my head as if it needed to be physically connected to him to believe he was okay. It made me feel slightly better to be the one who’d tended to his wounds.

I would be the one doing that from now on, no matter how much of a possessive freak that made me. No one touched him but me.

I wanted to run my hands over the soft brush of his shaved hair, caress his skin so that the pain of his cut was replaced with the comfort of my touch. I didn’t have the strength to resist that anymore.

Giving into that one vice seemed okay, so long as I stayed away from the other forms of … physical connection the Bond constantly craved. Who was I kidding, I craved it too.

“Bell,” Soren barked halfway through our ride, making me return to his side. When I did, he turned to me, smiling under the rim of that wide brim hat, making me think dark, dark thoughts. “There you are.”

That made me feel very warm. All over. “I didn’t go anywhere.”

“Ah,” Soren breathed, then tsk ed. “But you did. See, on the way over, you were talking to me. You’ve been silent. Hence, going somewhere.”

My mind tripped over itself, trying to understand him. “You … want me to talk to you?”

Soren hummed, though it sounded a little like a laugh. “If you would, princess. Don’t leave me to my own devices for the next thirty minutes.”

It was silly, and a thought I’d sooner die than share with him, but that was the first time someone had ever directly stated that they enjoyed my presence. Or conversation, or whatever Soren meant.

Up until coming here, I’d been invited places because of my title. No one ever bothered to clarify whether they enjoyed me , not just my crafty, diplomatic maneuvering. That was just a skill. It said nothing about the person I really was.

“Those flowers are pretty,” I stuttered out awkwardly, pointing at a swath of bright purple flowers along the left side of the trail.

Soren didn’t seem to mind, his smile staying in place as he nodded and said, “That is iris. You want some?”

Before I could answer, Soren made a clicking noise in the back of his throat. The next second, Lucky dropped his neck and twisted to the side, ripping off a chunk of flowers. Soren leaned forward, grabbing them from his mouth before offering them to me.

I stared down at his hand blankly before he said, “For saving my life.”

I stayed staring. “You were strong enough to pull yourself up.”

Soren’s hand shook the flowers insistently. “Your help probably saved me from a shoulder injury. Take them.”

I wrapped my fingers around the stems, trying to ignore the jolt that shot up my arm when my pinky brushed the top of Soren’s hand. “Thank you,” I said, then tried not to cringe at how shaken up I sounded.

God, he was doing a real number on my system.

To thank him, I started blabbering about how the flowers were different than the ones I’d grown up seeing in the Edelstenne islands. My home was wonderful, though I’d grown up splitting my time between the islands and the Capital to prepare for my father’s ascension. It was like an eternal spring, filled with lightly rainy days or soft sun that bloomed the most wonderful collection of flowers.

Turns out, Soren had never actually been.

Our conversation spiraled so far out of control, I’d alluded to him coming home with me no less than three times.

But Soren just kept smiling, a light, easy grin that made me want to keep talking until he forcefully made me stop.

The back half of the ride passed by so quickly, I blinked and we were approaching the stables. Soren hovered nearby while I braided Clover’s mane and tucked some of the iris into each strand, then did the same to Lucky.

Once I was done, I turned and the first thing I saw was that blood was peeking through his bandage. My frown was so severe it hurt my face.

“Come here,” I said unhappily, all but dragging him with me to the back of the stables where there was a sink with clean water.

I felt like a shell of myself, only moving on instinct as I cleaned and redressed Soren’s wound. Not even the warm press of his hands on my legs could pull me out of my singular focus.

The only thing that knocked at the corners of my mind was the fact that his cut seemed to be healed more than I’d expect. The wound had already been covered by tough, protective scars. The blood must have been from the first few minutes after his fall.

Food, the Bond softly beckoned.

Right. That was important. He needed to eat. We were gone for several hours.

Soren’s laugh as I forcefully pushed him towards the main house almost broke through my haze. Someone had set up tables outside, appreciating the sun and pleasant warmth of the day.

Freya flagged us over with a smile, gesturing to open seats near her.

My hands pushed down on Soren’s disturbingly strong shoulders, making him sit. I didn’t move an inch until he made himself a plate.

That started several seconds of a silent back and forth where Soren resisted just to be an ass and I stood my ground. Finally, he leaned forward and piled food onto a plate. The second he took a bite, my whole body relaxed, as if that was the proof I needed that he was alive and well.

I didn’t have an appetite, not after seeing Soren’s skin split and bloody, but I knew I’d be facing a similar treatment from him if I didn’t at least attempt to eat something.

Freya was chatting happily about the “treasures” she’d taken back from the camp, but I couldn’t hear much over the buzzing in my ears, generated from the warm press of Soren’s leg against mine.

I was really losing my shit.

The only moment of relief I got was when Peter spotted Soren and motioned with his chin for him to come over.

Soren’s hand swept passively down my back as he rose, causing the entirety of my Mark, from the tree trunk on my spine to the leaves wrapping around my shoulders to erupt in a mass of tingling sensation.

I was pretty sure the metal fork bent in my hand.

Freya’s voice trickled in, excitedly talking about this rifle that was actually just a stun gun so it didn’t cause permanent harm.

“Freya,” I said softly, just so she didn’t think I was cutting her off. I enjoyed hearing people talk about their passions, but I had something to say while it was just the two of us. “I know.”

To her credit, she didn’t so much as blink. “Well, good. I don’t like keeping secrets from friends.”

I laughed, saying, “Now that that’s settled, please keep telling me about your treasure hunt.”

Freya’s eyes brightened as she settled into another round of documenting what she’d picked up. I tried my very hardest to give her my full attention, but my gaze kept slipping over her shoulder to where Soren was standing with Peter.

That didn’t steal my attention besides a momentary shift of my eyes.

It wasn’t until Peter left and someone else approached that I started to lose my hearing.

I forced my attention back to Freya, nodding along to her description of her new toys.

The problem was, I only understood about three seconds of what she was saying before blood rushed to my ears, cutting off my hearing. I couldn’t even read her lips, because there was no way I could peel my eyes off of the scene unfolding behind her shoulder.

Rage bubbled up so fast I couldn’t chase it down, and the second it burned through my chest, something in me snapped.

Call it my sanity, my composure, whatever you wished.

But it was gone.

No , the Bond screamed. Mine .

I agreed.

Freya was still talking, but her words never landed on my ears. I could still see her mouth moving, but angry, hot blood was rushing into my head so quickly I couldn’t hear a word she said. I cocked my head, trying to read her lips and distract myself.

No such luck.

Alright, this was happening.

Good. I want blood. The more the better . Well, it seemed that I’d finally appeased the Bond.

I calmly dabbed the corners of my mouth with my napkin, before placing it gently on the table. I stood slowly, the extent of movement my body would allow.

“Bellamy, what are you doing?” Freya asked, and I assumed her expression matched her confusion. I could hear her again. I guess it was because my eyes were focused on something else.

“Excuse me,” I said, my voice wavering with barely controlled rage. My breaths were coming in such hot pants, I was sure I would start to spit fire.

“What are you—oh, shit,” Freya said when she looked behind her, right as I stepped away from the bench and pushed back from the table.

Oh, shit was right, I guessed. I should probably warn her to contact the medical tent.

That thought was fleeting as I took measured steps forward, bringing me closer and closer to the scene commanding my attention and blurring my vision.

My steps faltered for a second, tripping over the weight of my own rage, when the nurse standing in front of Soren moved her hand to his forehead, right across his cut.

Give. Me. Her. Hand , the Bond yelled, bloodthirsty.

She was pretty. It was a latent thought, though I hadn’t really had many of them since I’d seen her walk up to Soren and smile at him. My mind went blank, save for a low, ominous buzzing.

It was the step she took towards him that sent me over the edge. He didn’t move away, retreat and put distance between them. He let her invade his space. My space.

And now she was touching him. Still smiling, too.

That wouldn’t do.

Make it so she never smiles again . The Bond was rather cruel when I let it speak freely.

I could see people watching me out of my peripheral vision, and caught quite a few people track my line of sight then take several large steps away from me. At least they were smart.

When I got within two feet of the woman, she finally noticed me. I didn’t have time to fully absorb how wide her eyes went or the fact that her mouth opened to say something.

My hand went right for hers, twisting it away from Soren’s head in a brutal grip. The Bond was telling me to squeeze harder , twist farther— anything it took to make her understand that she had just touched what was mine .

The nurse cried out in pain, a shriek so high-pitched it could have broken glass.

“Get away from him,” I growled, twisting her arm further so that it was pinned behind her back. I shoved her forward, unable to care whether she tripped and fell face first in the mud.

Actually, that sounded like a great plan. Smart , the Bond agreed.

A distant part of my mind, the one that had controlled me for my life prior to this, noted that my capacity for violence had doubled since I’d been Matched with Soren. Well, actually it was violence where he was concerned, but it had doubled nonetheless.

Right as I was about to shove that bitch who dared touch Soren to the mud, arms wrapped around my waist and lifted me off the ground. My hand was wrenched off the nurse’s and everything around us exploded.

She started screaming, tears sliding down her cheeks as she yelled about how much pain she was in. Dramatic, if you ask me. It wasn't like I broke her wrist.

I just twisted it so hard her skin was blooming with a red mark. Fair treatment in my book.

People started running up to us, all with a different goal in mind. Someone went to go check on the nurse’s arm, while someone else yelled at her to calm down. Everyone gave me space though, letting Soren deal with me.

He hauled me against him, restraining me as my blind rage made me fight him, needing to go after her one more time. When the nurse had the bright idea to yell, “Soren!” with a whimpering, pleading voice, like he would drop me and go help her, I nearly blacked out from possessive anger.

She thinks Soren is hers , the Bond purred, like a rumbling engine. Prove her wrong .

“Bell,” Soren growled in my ear in warning, but I barely heard him. I was too focused on trying to wrestle myself out of his hold so I could grab that nurse by her stupid ponytail and wrench her head back so that I could punch his name right out of her mouth.

“Get her out of here,” Soren barked to someone. Even though my hands were on his corded forearms, trying to get them off me, that statement made my hands tighten around his. If he though for one fucking second he was casting me aside to some nameless soldier so that he could tend to his nurse, I would find a way to lock him in our cabin until he learned his lesson.

A moment later, someone picked the nurse off the ground and carried her away from us. Well, good fucking riddance.

I deflated in Soren’s arms, the object of my fury out of sight.

“Oh, no you don’t,” he said, tightening his hold on me. The next thing I knew, he had me flipped over his shoulder, his arm banding around my waist as he strode away from the blank stares and frozen forms of everyone around us.

Though I doubted it was intentional, Soren’s antics had shielded my vision from everyone else, making me focus on his lower back, where I could see our Mark through the material of his white shirt.

Mine , the Bond cooed happily.

Contentment started to chase away the rage, but that relief was short lived. A short distance later, which Soren managed to cover in an upsettingly small number of seconds with his massive legs, I was plopped back down on the ground and shoved unceremoniously into a wall.

He hadn’t taken us to our cabin. In fact, it looked like he’d just walked us around to the back of one of the barracks. Soren’s hands slammed into the thick wood on either side of my head, caging me in.

Now that it was just us, my rage had nowhere to go. It tunneled in on him, the irrational fury twisting everything that just happened into something he could be blamed for. “Let me go,” I said, hoping the words sounded as venomous as I intended them.

Soren’s chin dipped, bringing his face so close to mine our noses were almost touching. “No.”

This close, it was inescapable how handsome he was. That only made me angrier. My hands rose to his chest, intending on pushing him away from me. “Go figure out if your nurse is okay. She sounded like she wanted you.”

God, those words tasted like ash in my mouth. I didn’t care that that was a low blow.

Soren’s eyes flashed with anger, and for the first time I noticed how angry he looked. His hand shot up to my jaw, gripping it in his large palm. “What just happened?”

I breathed in, the too-comforting smell of him singeing my nose. “You let her touch you. You let her smile—”

Oh, no. Please, no.

As was annoyingly common for me, my anger felt too contained in my body. The Bond was shaking with a possessive fury, rattling my emotions. It decided to burst out in the form of tears. I could feel them welling in my eyes, hot with frustration and rapidly forming.

Soren’s face fell, anger fleeing his expression. “ Baby …” he trailed off, his hand tightening in its hold. It felt like his hand was the only thing anchoring me to the last licks of my sanity, though the feel of it was still waging a terribly intense war on my body.

I shook my head, as much as I could through the force of his grip. I felt a tear drop slide down my cheek and land on his skin. Soren watched it fall, and when it connected with his skin, his eyes closed in anguish.

“No more of this,” he cursed out, a shaky breath falling out of his lips. “We can’t keep doing this, Bell.”

My chest cracked open, pain spilling into my entire body. At the beginning of this, Peter had said that resisting the symptoms for too long would be painful.

This was agony.

It was making me so insane that one innocent touch from someone else was enough to make me act on impulse, just from the idea that she had touched him so casually.

It should have been me. I should have been the one standing there, soaking up the precious gift of his attention.

“I can’t—” my words died in my throat, cut off by a fresh wave of tears. I’d spend hours later toiling over the way my emotions had gotten the best of me. Right now, I just collapsed into Soren, my arms flying around his shoulders as I buried my face in his neck.

Soren’s hand slipped seamlessly from my jaw as I did, and then he moved both hands around me and held me tightly to him as tears fell from my eyes and onto his neck. He was holding me so tight it was borderline painful, but it still didn’t feel close enough.

I made a disgruntled sound as I shamelessly tried to burrow myself further into him.

“Closer?” Soren asked, gently dropping the words right into my ear.

The only thing I could do was nod. Everything else felt too difficult when I was trying to focus all my energy on restraining my tears and quelling my rage.

Without more than a slight breath out, Soren lifted me and pressed me back into the wall.

Good. This was good. Like this, I could wrap my legs around him and pull him closer that way. After a moment of relief, that restless, unsettled feeling rose again. The Bond wasn’t even remotely satisfied.

Even though I was literally wrapped around Soren, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was going to try and take him from me. My hands tapped against his shoulder blades as I tried to pull him even closer.

I was aware that I was moving against him, his hips pushing into mine. I just couldn’t find the mind to care about it. In fact, that was probably the only part of my body that felt somewhat okay.

“Bell, you need to stop,” Soren said, his words no louder than a low growl.

I shook my head against his neck, pushing myself against him again. “I feel like I might die,” I said against his skin, uncaring how dramatic that sounded.

Those words seemed to do something to Soren, triggering the more primal side of the Bond that only cared about keeping your Match alive. His hand traveled up my spine to tangle in my hair, gripping the strands in his hand as he pulled my head back so he could look at me.

His eyes had turned a darker shade of blue, shadowed by the dark expression in his eyes. “Baby, you have to tell me what you need.”

Now that I was looking at him, watching him speak, my gaze zeroed in on his lips.

Right there. The Bond’s voice was a near-yell in my head.

I couldn’t speak, couldn’t pull my eyes away. The answer to all my pain, as ridiculous as it sounded, seemed to be right there, on his wonderfully curved mouth.

“Goddamnit, Bell,” Soren said, his forehead dropping to mine. “We said we wouldn’t.”

“Remind me why again,” I found the voice to say. My hand slipped from his shoulder and trailed up to his face, my fingertips tracing the soft brush of his shorn hair then pressing down on the edges of the bandage over his brow, making sure it was in place.

The feeling of Soren’s nose pressing against mine was almost enough to undo me. “We can’t go back.”

Once we crossed the line into the physical, there really was no going back. The point of all this was to keep it so that we could stay apart, accomplish our individual goals. That didn’t seem so important right now. Not when Soren’s lips were finally inches away from mine.

There had to be a way for us to have both, because I didn’t think I could survive any other reality. I owed a duty to our people to do something with this position, to try to prevent any more baseless casualties if I could.

But surely, the Goddess wouldn’t have cursed me this thoroughly. If she gave me Soren at all…

My chin pressed up on its own accord, my decision made. I had to have him. I couldn’t suffer this any longer. Soren must have thought the same, I would know deep in my bones if he didn’t, because his lips brushed mine ever so slightly.

Just that lightest brush and a wildfire erupted in my chest. Soren’s hand tightened in my hair and he slammed his lips to mine, sending the rage still in my chest fleeing.

Yes, yes, yes , the Bond chanted, finally satiated after all this time.

“Excuse me.”

I had no longer than three seconds to feel the press of Soren’s lips, not even enough for me to feel the warm slide of his tongue across mine, before someone interrupted us.

The growl that released from Soren’s throat as he whipped towards the intruder sounded like an animal who was about to get a fresh kill stolen from them. He lunged, taking me with him like I weighed nothing, before stopping short when he realized who it was.

Peter was perhaps the one person who was safe from him. Soren didn’t let me down—in fact, he tightened his grip on me—as he barked, “What?”

Peter, to his credit, barely reacted. He just crossed his arms over his chest and said, “Did you not hear the alarm?”

He was right. There was an alarm blaring through the camp, signaling an impending arrival of Muli troops, and we’d been completely oblivious to it.

Soren reluctantly released me, my boots hitting the muddy ground with a squish . “I swear to fucking God, Peter, I will not be liable for what I do if you try to put her in harm’s way right now.”

I wasn’t sure we could avoid that entirely, but there was no arguing with the iron in Soren’s tone.

Peter’s lips curled to hide a smug smile. “She’ll be fine. A Muli general has requested an audience with a Royal emissary, and you two are the best we have.”

Soren and I looked at each other, knowing what that meant. Elijah.

Shit.

Peter turned on his heel and strode away, wisely giving us some privacy. Before he turned the corner, he called over his shoulder, “If I don’t see you in twenty seconds, I’m separating you two tonight.”

“The fuck you are—” Soren cut himself off, blinking as if the rough words had jumped from his throat without his knowledge.

My hand tightened in its grip around his bicep, if not to remind him that I was still standing next to him.

He looked down at me, his expression slightly pained. “We’re done.”

Fighting this , he meant. I nodded, feeling my brows crease together. “No more.”

Soren’s face fell a little, his expression going serious as he looked at me. It was arresting, being the sole object of his attention like that.

His gaze drifted down to my mouth, where it was still tingling from his touch even if it had been mere seconds of contact.

My hand tightened on his arm, beckoning him closer. The pull towards him was so intense, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“NOW!” Peter’s voice boomed a second later, making us stop in our movement towards each other, mere inches before our lips connected again.