A Dream of Fate & Flesh (Courts of Malice #2)

7. Alone in His Nightmare

seven

Alone in His Nightmare

Alessia

T rees the color of soot stand bent and broken, like wounded warriors who have seen too much and have thus given into the weight of their burdens. The dark sky blends into the forest.

A path of bright red rose petals splits the dreamscape in half, like a single vein of blood running through a withering heart—a beacon of hope slicing through bleak rot.

Despite the somewhat brutal-looking atmosphere, a soft tug draws me down the path. Each step feeds my anticipation. He’s waiting for me. I can feel his energy.

Butterflies erupt in my stomach, and adrenaline pumps through my veins. I scan the area, searching for Rainer. I was so close to making peace with not seeing him again, under the guise of protecting him, but deep down, I yearn to touch him one last time.

The quantity of rose petals grows in abundance, the layer of flowers thickening beneath my feet. Floral notes fight through the decay as if someone planted a garden in a corpse. At the end of the path, a figure stands with his back to me.

Rainer turns around to face me. “Mo roísín.”

My breath hitches.

A storm of emotions crashes through me at the sight of his handsome face, each fighting to break to the surface. My body comes alive, buzzing with something akin to its own sort of magic. There’s a draw between us, even in my dreams, and I want nothing more than to throw myself at him.

He looks the same as when I left him. His fitted black shirt sleeves are rolled up to showcase the dark hair dusting his forearms. His combat boots land heavily on the delicate flowers as his long, muscular legs stride toward me. He reaches out, his fingers adorned with glinting rings, gently brushing my arm. It’s just a faint touch, a skim, and it’s enough to send my heart racing. It beats as fast as the pixie wings, threatening to soar out of my chest.

“Rainer,” I whisper.

He pulls his hand back, flexing it at his side as if fighting an urge to grab me. I almost wish he would give in. Instead, he studies me, eyes roaming from head to toe, just like he did when we first met.

Looking for injuries, I surmise.

“It’s you?” he asks, voice gravelly.

“Of course, it’s me.” I chuckle, but his expression remains pained.

“Are you hurt?”

I shake my head. “I’m fine.”

His gaze flits behind me, and I turn, wondering what he’s looking at. Of course, I see nothing unusual other than the ominous dreamscape.

“Where are we?” I ask, frowning. Our dreams are usually bright, vivid, and warm. The last time the atmosphere was so ominous, it was one of his… “One of your nightmares.”

Rainer runs a hand through his hair, his expression filled with distress. “It’s really you.”

Before I can reply, he grabs me and crushes me to his chest, wrapping those strong arms around me. I should want to push him away for how he treated me when we last saw each other, but I’m not strong enough to resist him. I deflate into his arms, letting him hold me up.

I’ve missed you, I mumble silently into his neck. The scent of clove and roses fills me, breathing new life into me. The past few months of memories return to me in a rush, and I find myself longing for the fae in my arms, even though he cast me out of his life with ease.

“You can come home soon, my little rose,” Rainer says. A tear falls from my eye as I pull free from his arms and step backward. He reaches up, gently swiping away the rogue tear. I turn my head away from his touch, and hurt lines his ethereally beautiful face. “You don’t want me to touch you?”

His tone shatters my heart a little further.

I open my mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. I don’t know what to say to him without giving away my deal with Eoin. Of course I want to touch him, but it makes everything so much more complicated.

A crease forms on his forehead, and he frowns. “Alessia, I…” He turns, pacing as he runs a hand through his messy onyx waves. “I sent you away to protect you. You can’t possibly think I don’t want you.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “It’s not that…” My voice cracks.

He stops pacing and turns to look at me. His blue eyes see through me, straight to my bleeding heart. “I thought you knew me.” He plants his hand on his chest. “Trusted me.”

I know it doesn’t matter at this point, but I can’t help but ask, “Why haven’t you come for me if I mean so much to you, Rainer?”

“Mo roísín, a selfish male would come immediately. But a selfless male would ensure his beloved is safe—even if that safety isn’t with him. ”

“I don’t need anyone else’s safety,” I say.

“You also don’t need their saving.” He gives me a crooked grin. “Once my brother is found and the rogue spirit is returned to rest in Shyga, things will be different.” He runs a hand through his hair and talks animatedly. “I’m working to figure out a way to break the curse in—”

“But what about you, Rainer?” I wait until he faces me, then I continue. “Are you worried about all of those things, or is it you that you still can’t trust?”

He can blame his distance on the external threats all he wants, but he’s shown me the truth more than once: he doesn’t trust himself. He doesn’t think he’s worthy of me.

And that hurts.

We face each other, standing with a silent ocean between us, memorizing each other’s faces. His sharp features are so achingly beautiful. When I first met him, I thought he was disheveled and broody. Now I know the truth: he’s tormented, and he doesn’t bother to hide it like most people do. Instead, he’s open and honest about who he is at his core despite having to hide parts of himself.

“You’re right,” he finally murmurs. “I wish I were better for you.”

I take a deep breath, knowing my following words will hurt him more than they hurt me. “How can I love someone… who can’t even love himself?”

He winces, and my heart drops.

I hate the words and how mean they are, but I have to stop this. It hurts too much to know I can’t return with him.

Blinking the newly formed tears away, I work hard to stay strong.

“You broke my heart,” I whisper.

He jerks as if I slapped him. “Broke your heart?” His words are a quiet echo of my own. “I needed to protect you, Alessia.”

The torment in his expression nearly knocks me to my knees. Knowing I’m responsible for his pain is so unbearable I have to look away—like a coward.

“I’ll bring you home soon,” he whispers.

No.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to keep the tears back. Rainer is clever. He’ll see right through me and know something is up. I need to push him away—keep him from asking questions.

With a shaky breath, I force myself to say, “You think you’re my home?”

Just saying the words cleaves my chest in two. I ache for him. Long for his gothic castle and all the outcasts who live there alongside him. My heart aches to reach for him, to apologize and feel his lips on my skin again.

Suddenly, I understand just how strong he’s been this whole time. Pushing me away was not easy, and he did it anyway—for me.

But now, it’s my turn to protect him.

When I force myself to face him, I instantly regret it. His eyes are wide, glistening with vulnerable pain. He swipes a hand over his jaw, holding it there, and shakes his head.

“Alessia,” he croaks.

Unable to hold it in anymore, my tears fall unbidden. He steps toward me, and I shake my head, backing up to put space between us.

“ Please ,” he begs, his palm over his heart. “Please forgive me.”

The humanity in his words causes the dam inside me to burst, and I sob.

The irony of it all is that I do forgive him.

Because at this point, I’m choosing to stay with Eoin.

To protect Rainer. To protect his secret. And I can never tell him. I know Rainer’s heart, and if he knew the deal I’d made with Eoin… he’d likely reveal his secret to spare me the loss of freedom.

“Why won’t you let me love you?” he asks quietly.

The lone tear trekking down his cheek rips me in two.

My shoulders shake as I bury my face in my hands. “I can’t do this.”

“Then why are you?” He makes a strangled sound. “I don’t understand.”

Sniffling, I wipe my eyes and refocus on him. He’s studying me as if trying to piece together a puzzle.

Without responding, I close my eyes, focusing on taking control of the dream. I will the dreamscape away, pushing Rainer away, even as he calls to me.

“Alessia.” His voice begins to fade. “Don’t go. Don’t run from me.”

When I open my eyes again, he’s gone. The dreamscape shifts into something lighter and more pleasant, with bright skies and pastel trees.

Despite the illusory comfort in the new dream, I’d rather be in the haunting nightmarescape with Rainer. A pit forms in my stomach at the realization I left him alone in his nightmare.