A Dream of Fate & Flesh (Courts of Malice #2)

10. Every Flower Withers and Dies

ten

Every Flower Withers and Dies

Alessia

T hat night, when I finally drift off, courtesy of extra strong valerian tea, I don’t expect to see Rainer in my dreams, but once again, I enter the dark dreamscape littered with rose petals.

Rainer stands taller as I approach, his features softening. “You’re here.”

His hands are stuffed into his pockets, messy hair falling into his eyes. They’re as bright as ever in color, but in spirit, they’re dimmed.

The desire to touch him consumes me. My fingers twitch, wanting to brush his hair back out of his face. He’s so close, yet so far away.

How did we get here?

“I didn’t expect you to be in my dream,” I admit. Dreamwalking is still a mystery to me. Many nights, I silently begged to see Rainer to no avail. It seems to have no discernable pattern, at least not one I’ve discovered yet. If Rainer knew any secrets to it, surely he’d share them. But something tells me he’s as confused about it as I am.

“Technically, you are in my dreams.” His lips curve, but his eyes don’t crinkle at the corners like usual.

My heart races at the sight of his phony smile, and a wave of panic washes over me. Whenever I picture Rainer’s smile, it’s complete with that endearing dimple. But I’m the reason it’s missing. Worse, there’s a very real chance I’ll never see it again .

The memories of our laughter, joy, and happiness now lay shattered between us, like fragile glass, damaged by the complications that arose.

Desperation engulfs me as I come to grasp the enormity of my loss. It’s not only my freedom—it’s his freedom, too. We both are losing a loyal friend.

I’m losing the only one who has ever seen me.

I clutch my chest, trying to breathe, but my ribs feel too tight around my lungs.

“Alessia?” Rainer asks. Concern flickers across his features as he strides up to me. His hands come up to my face, cupping my cheeks. “Breathe, baby. You’ll be okay.”

Despite the strangled gasp that escapes, I nod in agreement. He gently instructs me to inhale deeply, guiding my breaths. I breathe in tandem with him, following his lead.

After the panic subsides, we remain silent. His thumb gently caresses my cheek, and he gazes at me with a softness I don’t deserve. Luckily, he doesn’t ask if I’m okay. He doesn’t need to. He knows I’m not.

Pulling away from him, I wrap my arms around my midsection and attempt to shrink down. I should wake up and cut this short before it causes us more pain, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Not yet.

“Has he hurt you?” Rainer asks so quietly that I almost don’t hear him.

“No,” I whisper. I glance away, not wanting to get into the truth of why I just had a panic attack. “Eoin’s harmless.”

Rainer makes a growling noise.

I quickly change the subject, not wanting to provoke him. “Are you coming to his ball tomorrow?”

Something dark crosses his face. “No.”

“Why not?”

“I have business to take care of.”

I shouldn’t feel rejected, yet I do. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nod. “I understand.”

He steps forward. “The business is for you. For us.”

“There is no us,” I say, unable to meet his eyes.

Rainer closes the last bit of distance between us and wraps his hand gently around the back of my neck. His thumb caresses the base of my skull, causing my skin to pebble. “There will always be an us, mo róisín.”

It takes all my might, but I step out of his touch and force myself to meet his gaze.

“You’re a vampyr,” I whisper, my voice pathetically weak. “A prince. I’m a human. An escaped Tradeling. You were right when you pushed me away.”

“That’s not—”

“Only one part of a story is written for us, and that’s the ending.”

He flinches. “You needed to go. I couldn’t risk Tynan hurting you. I couldn’t risk hurting you.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Things are different now. I found my brother. I—”

“You pushed me away first; it’s a bit hypocritical that you suddenly care when I do the same.”

He winces, and it makes me feel so small. So cruel. But I can’t waver now. Instead, I focus back on the ground, trying to ignore the searing pain in my chest.

“Look at me,” he murmurs. A few beats go by, and neither of us moves. “Alessia, please . Look at me.”

I blink through my foggy vision, willing the tears to stop forming.

“Don’t give up on us,” he says, voice cracking. “Don’t give up on me.”

“Rainer…” I swallow heavily, preparing myself to break his heart. “I’m staying in Terra Court.”

He jerks back as if I’ve slapped him. “You… want to stay?” There’s a confused inflection to his tone. “You want to stay with him ?”

“I’m not choosing Eoin if that’s what you’re implying.”

He steps into my line of sight, a pleading look on his face. “Then why?”

To protect you, like you protected me, I want to say. But it’s futile. Telling him what Eoin is up to defeats the purpose of protecting him.

Rainer once told me that his entire court relies on him. Upholding his duty isn’t just his purpose, but it’s his legacy. He’s good at it.

Rainer would risk it all for me—I know it in my bones—and I can’t let him do it. Knowing his kind is banned, I can’t risk the realm finding out what he is.

Perhaps, with time, I can win Eoin over and convince him to drop this. Maybe I’ll outsmart him one day. But until then, I need to be strong.

Rainer was okay before me, and he’ll be okay after.

I hope.

Rainer runs his hand through his hair as he paces. “I don’t understand.” He stops to face me. “We make sense together, my little rose. You’re my petals, and I’m your thorns. You soften me while I sharpen you.”

Sharp, white-hot heat pierces my chest. His icy blue eyes shine with unshed tears. The image of this commanding, powerful male tearing up for me wilts a piece of my soul.

My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth, and I can’t force myself to say anything aloud.

He runs a hand through his hair. “A thornless stem is still a flower, but a stem lacking petals symbolizes lost possibilities. It’s a constant reminder of what it might have become.” He sucks in a ragged breath. “I removed the thorns from the roses I sent you because I didn’t want you to prick your fingers. Understandably, you’d also eliminate the thorns in your life to protect your heart from being hurt in that same manner.”

“Rainer,” I exhale his name like a prayer. The roses from the pixies. Of course they were from him. “What does the white mean?”

His throat bobs as he swallows. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he turns away.

“Loyalty,” he says with a sigh. “It means I’ll always be yours, even if you’re not mine.”

Those thorns he speaks of pierce my heart, bleeding me out.

“You said we only had an ending.” He glances at me with a frown, his shoulder slumped. “Everyone has a beginning and an ending, mo róisín, but it’s the middle where the story happens. Give us a chance to write our story. Let us have our future, our middle, no matter what’s in store.”

My eyes squeeze shut, and I whirl around, putting my back to him. I bite my lip so hard I taste blood, but I don’t care. He can’t hurt me here, and I believe he wouldn’t hurt me in the real world.

But it’s too late for us to find out.

His hand settles on my shoulder, gently running the length of my arm. My traitorous skin pebbles, weakening my resolve. Rather than turning into him and giving us that future, I focus on controlling the dreamscape.

I will it away with a single breath, resenting myself for how effortless it was.

When I wake alone in bed, tears are streaming down my cheek. As much as it hurts to see Rainer, I can’t imagine how much it’d hurt to dream without seeing him. Despite the obstacles between us, he’s become vital to me in such a short time.

Selfishly, I hope he waits for me. It’s not fair. I can’t ask him to, but if I can figure out a way around Eoin’s stupid tricks and ambitions, maybe I can find my way back to Rainer.

As long as he’ll still have me.

I hope, by then, it isn’t too late.

But deep down, I know that if left too long without water, every flower withers and dies.