A Highland Family Affair (Highlands #3)

Chapter 7

7

On Monday morning, Olivia contacted the local employment agency in Inverness and arranged to interview several people from their database. The interviews were set for Tuesday afternoon and Olivia was confident, from her discussions with the manager at the agency, that they would be able to find someone suitable, if only for a short period to cover Olivia’s trip and to perhaps help over the festive events.

Brodie had headed off to the cathedral in the city to assist Bishop Latham with some research, as he did from time to time, and Olivia was sitting in her father’s study looking through the CVs of the interview candidates that had been emailed through.

A knock on the door was followed by Kerr’s voice. ‘Hey, Liv, am I okay to come in?’

‘Oh, hi, Kerr, of course you are.’

He sheepishly walked into the room, hands in his pockets, followed, of course, by Sir Lancelot. He glanced around the place that had become the hub of the castle’s business practices. ‘Wow, I used to be terrified of this room. I was only ever called in here when I was in trouble… which was quite often now I think about it,’ he said with a wince and a scratch of his head. ‘Dad would sit there, where you are now, hands crossed on the desk and a stern look on his face…’ He shivered. ‘ Why can’t you be more like Olivia? ’ he said in a voice that mimicked their father’s. ‘I was always a disappointment.’

Olivia’s stomach knotted and for a few seconds she wasn’t sure how to respond. ‘Good thing you’re not in trouble now then, eh?’ she said with a smile.

‘It makes a change,’ he replied with a nervous laugh.

‘So, what brings you here? What can I do for you?’

He cleared his throat and scratched his head. ‘I… erm… I’m attending my first AA meeting tonight. Then GA later in the week. I wanted to let you know.’

‘That’s great. I’m really happy you’re going ahead with it.’

He nodded. ‘Me too. It’s about time, I think.’ He stood there silently for a moment. ‘I was wondering… as part of the programme we can bring along a family member. And I wondered if you might come along. Moral support, I guess. I’m so nervous and I think having you there would really help. A familiar face amongst the total strangers.’

She raised her eyebrows. ‘You want me to come with you? To your first meeting? Wouldn’t you rather go alone, see what it’s like?’

He shook his head and stared at his shoes while absent-mindedly twiddling with Lancelot’s fur. ‘No, I… I think there’s more chance of me actually going if you’re there too.’

Olivia chewed her lip for a moment. ‘But… isn’t it supposed to be anonymous? Lots of people know who I am in Inverness after the press coverage for the castle… I wouldn’t want to make it difficult for you.’

He nodded and waved a dismissive hand before he turned. ‘You’re right. It’s fine… I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.’ He headed for the door.

Guilt niggled at Olivia’s mind, and she fidgeted with her pen. ‘Wait.’ He stopped and turned to face her, a hopeful look in his eyes. She took a deep breath. ‘Of course I’ll come. What time are you going? I can drive if you like.’

A smile tinged with relief spread across his face. ‘Thank you, Olivia. I really appreciate it. We’ll need to set off just after six if that’s okay.’

She smiled. ‘Sure. That’s fine. How have you been? You know, with the alcohol? Any relapses?’

He shook his head. ‘To be honest, I think Michael’s death flicked a switch in me. Seeing what it can do, how it can destroy someone… Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been tempted. Every time I feel wound up or stressed, the first thing I think about is reaching for a drink but… I haven’t.’

‘That’s really great, Kerr. Well done.’

He scratched his chin, clearly uncomfortable with the praise. ‘Aye, thanks. I see Noah’s still here. I bet he wasn’t too happy to see me back.’

‘What happened there, Kerr? With Jade, I mean.’

Kerr chewed the inside of his cheek. ‘It was a stupid mistake. We were both drunk. Noah was away. It was just a fling. It meant nothing but I think that makes it worse in a way. It broke their engagement up for nothing. I should steer clear of romance of any kind, I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. I’ll steer clear of the café, I think. I don’t think he’ll be as forgiving as you, that’s for sure.’

Olivia smiled sadly. It might not be a bad idea unfortunately.

‘Right, well, you look like you’ve got stuff to be doing so we’ll leave you to it. Come on, Lancey, let’s go get a snack.’ The dog wagged his tail at the upbeat tone of his master’s voice and obediently followed as Kerr left the room.

Kerr and Olivia walked into the stark-looking room in what appeared to be an old post office. White fluorescent strip lights illuminated the space in an unforgivingly harsh, bright hue. Worn-out carpet tiles covered the floor, the wear showing the path to the original counter, and Olivia wondered why this place had been chosen and not somewhere a little more… pleasant . The windows were covered in a frosted film to avert prying eyes, at least, and a combination of odd wooden and plastic folding chairs that belonged on a patio were set up in a circle.

Kerr went over to speak to a man with grey thinning hair, wearing a navy-blue Fair Isle-style jumper and jeans. An official-looking lanyard hung around his neck. They chatted briefly and then the man pointed to a table on which hot water urns stood along with teabags and a jar of instant coffee. A bowl sat beside them containing single-portion cartons of milk, the likes of which you find in cafés. A few people were milling around getting themselves a drink and a low hum of chatter could be heard. Everyone seemed fairly relaxed, which Olivia found comforting.

Kerr returned to Olivia’s side. ‘Do you want a tea or coffee? I’m too nervous to drink anything, ironically.’

She shook her head. ‘I’m good, thanks.’

He pointed to a chair on the back wall. ‘You can sit over there if you like. Or… you can sit by me, whichever is fine.’ It was clear in the way he shrugged that he was trying to be nonchalant.

Olivia reached out and touched his arm. He was shaking. ‘What would you prefer?’

‘Sit by me?’ He almost pleaded with his eyes.

She nodded and smiled. ‘Of course.’ A few people glanced in her direction, and she saw flashes of recognition in their eyes, which caused her stomach to knot.

Kerr nudged her. ‘Don’t worry, it’s all confidential. You won’t end up in the newspaper shamed by your older brother,’ he said, but his jocular tone was accompanied by a concerned crumple to his brow.

She whispered, ‘Hey, I’m not ashamed of you, okay? So get that thought out of your head. I’m proud of you for being here.’

His face lit up for a moment until the man wearing the lanyard called the meeting to order. Everyone sat down and Olivia joined Kerr, squeezing his hand in encouragement.

‘Welcome, everyone. I’m Steve. Just a quick reminder of the ground rules since we have new members here tonight. First names only, and it goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway, what’s said in this room remains in this room. Any questions?’

One by one people shared their stories; some told of their struggles and some their wins from the week. Eventually the man looked at Kerr. ‘Now, Kerr, no pressure but would you like to share anything this evening?’

Kerr cleared his throat and his face flushed. Olivia could see his leg juddering in her peripheral vision, and he lifted his hand to chew on his thumbnail. ‘Erm… Hi, everyone…’ She heard him swallow, and it was clear his mouth was dry as the Sahara. ‘I’m K-Kerr. And I’m…’ His chin trembled and his eyes welled. He cleared his throat. ‘I’m an alcoholic.’ There was an element of surprise to his voice and Olivia wondered if saying the words out loud made it all feel a little more real to him. Her body flooded with empathy.

A rumble of greeting travelled around the people present and as Olivia glanced at their faces she saw no judgement, only understanding.

Kerr continued, ‘I’m here because… Well, I’ve hurt a lot of people. My drinking has been out of control for quite some time now but in recent months it’s gotten lots worse. And when I drink, I’m cruel, I’m unpleasant to be around and I make stupid decisions.’ Olivia saw some of the attendees nodding as he spoke. ‘I ruined my relationship with my parents, both of whom are no longer with us, so I can’t tell them how sorry I am. I’ll never be able to make it up to them and show them how much I love them, and I have…’ He shook his head, and his voice broke as he carried on, ‘so, so many regrets.’

Olivia’s throat constricted and she reached out to take his hand. He glanced at her briefly and she saw a flash of gratitude and affection in his eyes.

‘You see, I’ve grown up with what you would no doubt consider a privileged background. And I took so many things for granted. But looking back, I know now that you should never, ever presume anything of anyone. Especially when you’ve been the worst version of yourself in their presence. I found out the hard way and I’ve spent most of my adult life being bitter and twisted. Taking my anger out on those I should have been supporting.’ He glanced briefly at Olivia again. ‘My mother went to her grave thinking the worst of me, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. She didn’t deserve any of it. She was a loving and wonderful mum, and I caused her so much pain.’

Olivia swiped at tears trickling down her own face as she watched the same leaving damp trails on her brother’s.

‘She loved me unconditionally and I just took advantage of that. Alcohol is only one of the issues I need to work through and even though I know it’s too late to make a difference to some people, I know that changing now is the right thing to do.’ He lifted his chin and looked around at the eyes all fixed on him and gave a light laugh. ‘Oh, God, and now I’m hogging the conversation, sorry.’ He swiped at his face.

‘Not at all,’ Steve said with a reassuring smile. ‘You’ve made the best possible decision by coming here tonight, Kerr. We’ve all been there and we’re right here beside you.’

Kerr nodded. ‘Thanks. That means everything.’

The drive back to the castle was travelled on dark, winding, tree-lined roads and mostly in silence. Kerr had disappeared into his own mind and stared blankly out of the window of the car into the blackness that surrounded them. The only light to punctuate the journey was the glow of their headlights which, every so often, glinted in the eyes of creatures hiding in the hedgerow.

Olivia wondered what was going through her brother’s mind and concern niggled at her until she had to break the silence. ‘I’m so proud of you, Kerr.’

He clenched his jaw. ‘I don’t deserve it, Olivia. I’ve been doing some real soul-searching lately and I’ve come to the conclusion you’d all be better off without me. I should have stayed away. I should have just drunk myself into an early grave like Michael and done you all a favour.’

Olivia’s stomach lurched and she pulled the car over into a lay-by then reached up to switch on the map light. ‘Stop that right now. I don’t want to hear such rubbish. You’re my brother and in spite of what you may think, I love you. You’re making changes and I’m here to help. So please don’t say things like that, okay?’

He turned in his seat to face her. ‘I’ve been the worst big brother. I never wanted to spend time with you when we were growing up. You were so much younger than me and I saw you as an irritating little bug. But, of course, you weren’t. You were a sweet kid who looked up to me, for some reason. Any time I did spend with you was either under duress or to get a kick out of tormenting you. What kind of person does that make me? I mean who does that? Then, I was awful to you when Mum died. I acted like I was the only one who’d lost her, but in all honesty, I wasn’t even grieving. I was indulging in a pathetic pity party for one. I was thinking of the inconvenience it caused me and then I was thinking about the money I could gain. I’m a monster, Olivia. A mercenary, cruel monster. It was only when I started living on the streets that I even realised what I’d truly lost, what I’d done to you. My behaviour at your fashion show was inexcusable.’

His voice rose and his anger at himself was almost a venomous entity in its own right.

‘I used Bella when she had real feelings for me, and only after she unceremoniously dumped me did I realise I had genuine feelings for her too. And I lost her thanks to my own stupidity. And then there’s Adaira. She was such a loving woman. I treated her like shit, Olivia. Like a bloody cash cow. I’ve used people and treated everyone like shit. So why should anyone , least of all you, forgive me?’

She reached out and firmly took his hand. ‘Kerr MacBain, stop. Do you realise how hard you’re being on yourself? Okay, you were a shit. A total shit, I agree. And yes, what you did at the fashion show was awful, and you were horrid to Bella and Adaira, there, I’ve said it. And okay, we weren’t close growing up. But that’s the beauty of life, you can change, and you can start again. But only if you’re here . Do you think I want to lose another family member? Do you think I’d rather you weren’t alive? Because if you do then you really don’t know me at all.’

His chin trembled and his eyes glistened in the dim glow of the light above their heads. ‘That’s just it, though, Olivia, I don’t know you at all. And I’m kidding myself if I think I can make amends. I don’t feel I deserve forgiveness.’

Olivia softened. ‘Kerr, I think the first thing you need to do is work on forgiving yourself. Only then will you allow others to do the same.’

He placed his hand on top of hers. ‘I don’t deserve you. I really don’t.’ He shook his head.

‘Well, you’re stuck with me,’ she replied with a smile. ‘Now let’s go home and have a hot chocolate to warm ourselves up. And no more talk of graves, okay?’

He nodded. ‘Okay.’