A Little Bit

Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Warren

A few moments after catching our breath, my phone buzzed with a text from SJ, telling me that Mother was looking for me.

I quickly pulled my pants up and snuck Eli back out the side door, making sure to open the iron gate so he didn’t have to scale it with the ladder again.

After I watched him disappear down the street, I stood in the courtyard for a few minutes, even though I risked the chance of Mother coming out here and asking me why I was standing in the dark.

The moss swayed with the chilled wind that blew through, which should’ve made me cold, as I had no jacket or shoes on, but all I felt was warm inside.

Despite there being no flowers this time of year, the moss complemented the shiny leaves of the magnolia tree. It was beautiful. I loved it much more than I should’ve. But it was short-lived.

Mother flipped out in the morning and it was all removed later that day, but the damage was already done. To me. I had been barely keeping my head above water in this situation with Eli, always reminding myself of what we’re doing. That it had an expiration date. Yet to be determined, but it was still there.

Him showing up that night muddled my brain. Seeing something between us that probably wasn’t really there. Especially now that it’s a week later and his behavior is back to normal.

No signs of the thoughtful gesture. We haven’t even brought it back up.

I guess that’s a good thing.

My behavior is back to normal too. Like right now, as I lean against a tree waiting for his class to let out. Just so I can see him.

I really don’t watch him as much as I used to, having satisfied a lot of that urge by being able to be with him.

He thinks he always sees me, but there’s so many times when he doesn’t. Those are my favorite, getting to watch him in complete secret. No audience—that he knows of—for him to perform for. Completely himself.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. Pulling it out, I see a text from David, Mother’s assistant.

I run my hand down my face, already dreading whatever this message is about to say.

It won’t be anything I like.

David

You have a meet and greet with Miss Abigail Thompson this Friday at six p.m. I will send you an itinerary later today with the location and her phone number. The Senator has requested that you message Abigail before-hand to create a rapport.

My hand starts trembling from how tightly I’m holding my phone.

Can’t our parents handle the dealings of this until she turns eighteen at least? I’m sure she’s a nice person, but I have no desire to entertain a sixteen-year-old.

Sweat breaks out across my back, despite the cool temperatures that the first week of December brings.

God. I don’t want to go to that.

You don’t have a choice.

Movement out of my peripheral brings me back to why I’m here today, and my mood goes from bad to worse when I see that he’s not alone. Terrence walks with him, both of them smiling, chatting like old friends.

Intense jealousy stabs me. In my back, my legs, my chest, my brain. I feel it everywhere, trying to kill me.

I try to only focus my eyes on Eli, his larger, more muscular frame taking up most of my eyesight anyway. He’s got a goddamn backwards hat on again with his usual all black ensemble of jeans and a T-shirt.

My mouth salivates just looking at him.

But despite my best efforts, my eyes still roam next to him. To who’s making him smile and laugh. To who playfully shoves him.

I don’t think I’d like seeing him walk with anyone right now, but why does it have to be Terrence? The person there on that day.

Don’t think about it.

I breathe deeply, trying to block it out.

Screeeeeech.

The sound fills my mind. Loud and deafening. Only for me. Only so I can hear it.

I grab my head, shutting my eyes tight as the sound plays in my brain again.

Screeeeeech.

Make it stop. Make it stop.

When I open my eyes again, there are a few curious gazes pointed at me. Not Eli and Terrence, though. They’re too involved in each other as they walk in the direction of his dorm.

I have to get out of here.

Looking at the ground, I give a little nod to the people still staring, telling them I’m fine.

I hope no one took a picture. Then I’ll have to hear from Mother about how “everyone is always watching.”

I speed-walk, trying to look calm so I can get away from them.

As I pass a trash can on the way to my townhouse, my steps stutter, because there’s something there.

Something I don’t need.

But it can’t possibly be a coincidence.

Someone tried to throw away a newspaper, but missed.

It’s rolled up, a rubber band wrapped around it.

I haven’t done anything in so long.

I’ve been too wrapped up in Eli and his energy, always pulling at me with its magnetizing quality.

I don’t give myself time to think about it, pulling the rubber band off and throwing away the newspaper, before continuing my brisk walk, trying to keep my face as placid as possible despite the storm raging inside.

I throw my front door open, kicking off my shoes and tossing my jacket on the floor, running to my bedroom now that I have no audience.

Slamming the door behind me, I lock it and put the rubber band on my wrist while my heart beats like a hummingbird.

SJ briefly flits through my mind, giving me pause. Thinking about how disappointed she’d be if she knew.

Screeeeeech.

I pull the rubber band up as far as it will go and let it slip through my fingers. The snapping sound shatters the silence in the room.

Screeeeeech.

Not enough.

I do it again. And again and again and again. Losing count as my brain turns off and I let my body hurt itself.

Pitiful whimpers escape my mouth each time it hits while tears leak from my eyes.

You deserve this.

Some of the turmoil settles, and now that the fog has lifted, the stinging sets in.

I look down at my wrist. It’s puffy and red from all the welts I’ve created, some blood bubbling up where it cut my skin.

I lay down on my floor, letting my pain swallow me.

Anything to not remember.