A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 10

Merry

In a small flat, on the ground floor of Springwood House, Ray Meadows lay motionless under a sheet and blanket, except for the shallow rise and fall of his chest, his breath fluttery and faint. Occasionally, he’d have a coughing fit and the rattling sound of his lungs made his daughters, Merry and Emily, exchange worried looks. They sat either side of his bed, each holding a hand. Gail, the manager of the dementia residential home, stood by the door, having a whispered conversation with his carer. Merry’s heart ached just looking at him. His skin had taken on a grey pallor, his cheeks were sunken and his jawline unshaven.

‘I’m so glad you’re here, Em,’ Merry told her. ‘Thanks for coming so quickly. It’s lovely for me, and I’m sure Dad appreciates it too.’

Since Merry had received the call the day before to inform her that Ray’s health had deteriorated, he’d been moved from his one-bedroomed flat with a view of the gardens into this one, which was geared up to make it easier for staff to care for him. Dominating the space was a hospital bed which could be raised and lowered, with bars on each side to stop him rolling out. Other than a kettle and mini fridge to keep milk in, there weren’t any cooking facilities. It wasn’t safe to give him access to anything more complicated than that anymore.

‘Of course.’ Emily dismissed her thanks. ‘I was primed to fly over when I heard you were in hospital, but you wouldn’t let me.’

Emily had grown up only a stone’s throw from Merry; they often marvelled at how much of their lives had been like sliding doors. There’d been so many occasions and places where they may have been close to each other and not known who the other was. Earlier this year, Emily and her boyfriend, Will, had decided to start a new life on Jersey, helped by Emily’s best friend, Izzy, who’d been trying to get her to move over for years. Merry was glad for her, but sad to have lost the spontaneous ‘fancy a coffee?’ moments that the two of them had enjoyed.

‘I’m very grateful.’ Merry smiled. ‘But there was nothing you could have done, and I’d much rather have you to stay once the baby arrives.’

‘I could have done both!’ Emily shot her a stern look. ‘I wanted to help, even if it’s just to cook dinner or fold laundry. So next time, let me.’

‘Noted,’ she replied, meekly. Her sister meant well, but Merry knew how she liked things to be done. Sometimes it was easier to do it yourself than watch someone do it not to your liking.

‘And just you try to stop me coming when my niece or nephew makes their entrance,’ Emily added. ‘You’ll be desperate to get rid of me.’

‘Not going to happen. I’d have loved an aunt when I was little,’ said Merry, ‘or any relative at all, come to that. I’m going to make sure my kids get plenty of Auntie Emily time.’

‘Good.’ Her sister’s eyes shone and Merry smiled too.

A year on from discovering the other existed, neither of them could quite believe how fortunate they were to have the sibling they’d always longed for. The fact that they got on like a house on fire sometimes made their relationship feel too good to be true.

Before they had met, Emily had been totally responsible for looking after Ray, but ever since, Merry had tried to ease Emily’s burden and make sure she knew she wasn’t alone. When Emily had moved away, Merry had become the first point of contact for the care home. But this was the first time that Ray had been properly ill, and Merry was relieved Emily was on hand if his condition worsened.

Since receiving the call from Gail yesterday, Merry had spent as much time here as she could. A fact that had not gone down well with Cole.

‘There are always coughs and colds and viruses going round in that place,’ he’d pointed out, not unreasonably, when she’d called to tell him she planned to visit her dad immediately.

They’d ended up having harsh words with each other. She felt emotional just thinking about it, especially as they hadn’t even dealt with their previous row about the workmen being pulled off Meadow View. Gail’s message had made her dad’s condition sound so serious that she hadn’t stopped to consider the consequences and had driven herself over to the home immediately.

‘He’s my dad, Cole, I can’t not visit him when he’s alone and ill,’ she’d argued. ‘That’s cruel.’

‘How about I go, and you stay in the car park outside? I can FaceTime you so you can say hello? That way, at least you won’t pick up any germs. You heard what the doctor said, you’re susceptible to infection now that you don’t have the amniotic fluid to protect the baby.’

‘Dad’s got flu, Cole,’ she’d said curtly. ‘I hardly think that’s going to be a danger to my vagina. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about the workmen situation at Meadow View, I haven’t. But right now, Dad has to take priority.’

‘Of course he does. I’m just looking out for you and our baby, darling.’ Cole had looked so sad that she’d almost relented. But her streak of independence was too wide to back down. There had still been a slight frosty atmosphere between them this morning and Merry felt wretched about it.

Now, looking at her dad so poorly, she felt justified. He hadn’t been awake yesterday when she came, and so far today he hadn’t woken up either. What if he didn’t wake up ever again? She frowned at herself for being morbid, but the truth was that if anything happened to him and she hadn’t been in to see him, she’d always have to live with that guilt.

‘You look amazing,’ said Emily. ‘Like a woman in a Renaissance painting – all softness and curves and radiant skin.’

‘Thanks.’ Merry forced herself to concentrate on her sister and pretended to pout. ‘I think we should FaceTime every morning so that you can boost my ego like that.’

‘Gladly,’ Emily said with a grin. ‘Seriously, I was so worried about you last week.’

‘You look great too.’ Merry changed the subject. She wished everyone would please stop worrying, she was perfectly capable of looking after herself. ‘Brimming with health and vitality, and how can you still have a tan in December?’

Her sister pressed her free hand to her face. ‘It’s probably windburn. My skin is like leather these days. I’m outside every day, on the beach mostly. Will has got his first bookings for next spring. I’ve been getting the beach shack ready while he has been completing all his safety courses and instructor training.’

Will and Emily’s love story was so cute. He’d been the occupational therapist here at the home when Emily met him, and part of the team looking after Ray. Within weeks, they’d fallen head over heels in love with each other and he’d moved into her cottage. As a mad-keen surfer, his dream had always been to open a surf school with a not-for-profit element offering tuition to disadvantaged kids. His own upbringing hadn’t been easy, and he’d seen first-hand how developing a passion for surfing could boost self-confidence. Merry couldn’t wish for a lovelier man for her sister.

‘And what about you? Your fashion business?’

Emily looked down at her hands. ‘It’s in the planning stage.’

She had been working in a senior school this time last year, as the PA to the head teacher. She’d taken the job on largely because the hours had afforded her plenty of time to look after their father. But her true passion was for buying vintage clothes, upgrading them with her own fashion twist and selling them on. Merry had encouraged Emily to follow her dream and try to make a living from doing what she loved.

‘What’s to plan?’ Merry smelled a rat; Emily wasn’t meeting her eye. ‘You’ve got suitcases full of vintage finds ready to go.’

She knew that because she’d helped Emily to pack up her little cottage in the spring. Cases, trunks, boxes … stuffed full of beautiful things, many of which Emily had added her own creative touches to.

Emily looked shifty. ‘I have, but we’ve been putting all our time into Will’s surf school. It’s far more involved than mine; it makes sense to get that up and running first.’

‘You said that about Izzy’s business when you first arrived in Jersey.’

Izzy had a busy holiday cottage business and Emily had been employed to help her renovate a new property when she’d first arrived on the island.

‘I always wanted a pushy big sister.’ Emily gave Merry a sideways look.

‘Oh very funny. It’s just …’ Merry chewed her lip, torn between wanting to just enjoy being together and feeling like it was her duty to give her younger sister a pep talk. ‘When it was just you looking after Dad, you had to do everything, and I know you put your own life on hold. Now you don’t have to.’

‘And now I’ve got you to share the load and I’m really grateful.’ Emily reached across their sleeping father’s legs and squeezed Merry’s hand. ‘But I feel guilty that I’ve abandoned you, especially now.’

‘You can stop with guilt-tripping yourself right now, lady.’ Merry gave her a stern look. ‘If it wasn’t for you tracking me down, I wouldn’t have had my dad and my sister at my wedding last Christmas Eve.’

An image popped into Merry’s head. She and Cole emerging from the registry office and into a sparkling white snowy scene, all their loved ones around them, throwing confetti and wishing them well. She’d felt more surrounded by love in that moment than ever before. It had been a wonderful occasion, made even more magical because she’d never imagined for a second that she’d have real family at her wedding. Emily had made that possible.

‘Merry, I’m miles away and completely useless and you’re about to drop and not supposed to be doing anything at all.’

‘Who said that?’ Merry frowned. ‘Don’t answer that: Cole.’

‘You’d be disappointed in him if he didn’t show he cared about you and the baby.’

She harrumphed. If he cared that much, she thought, crossly, he’d get on with finishing Meadow View, so his baby had a home to move into. She kept that to herself, because every time she mentioned moving house, everyone leapt on her and said that waiting until the new year was more sensible. She didn’t care about sensible; she cared about wanting to finally feel at home.

‘You’ve neatly deflected my question,’ she said instead. ‘So when does Emily’s new venture get a look-in?’

‘There’s no rush,’ Emily protested. ‘I’m enjoying helping Will set up his business. I can’t teach surfing, obviously – although I’m actually getting quite good now with Will’s help. But I can do the rest. If I was off doing my own thing, it wouldn’t be the same. This way, if I need to, I can manage the business in his absence. I’m enjoying living in the moment. One thing at a time. At some point, we’re going to sort out a room at the cottage for me to spread out and start trading. Maybe in the spring.’

Merry shook her head, bemused. ‘You look blissfully happy, and that’s all that matters. I couldn’t do it. I’d be champing at the bit to get started on my own thing.’

She remembered back to the early days of running Merry and Bright, how she’d worked late into the night at the kitchen table coming up with the perfect combination of essential oils to create exactly the right scent for each type of candle. She’d leapt at every opportunity to grow her business, developing bespoke products and even overcoming her nerves to appear on TV as Hester’s guest. She was proud of what she’d achieved.

As far as Cole was concerned, his money was their money, and they were both open with how much the other brought into the family. But Cole was also of the opinion that if Merry didn’t want to work, he would be perfectly content to look after her. She knew how fortunate she was to be in that position, but the thought of being reliant on someone else for money brought her out in goosebumps. As long as she could work, she would.

‘Sorry about that, ladies,’ said Gail, rejoining them. ‘I was getting an update from the carer who was with your father last night. He had a restless night, and his temperature was spiking. We gave him some medication and it’s come down a little, but we’ll need to keep an eye on him and let the doctors’ surgery know if he deteriorates.’ She hesitated, appearing to consider her next words with care. ‘Flu can be dangerous for dementia patients, but as Ray’s relatively young, I have every faith he’ll get through this.’

Emily’s eyes widened. ‘Dangerous? What do you mean?’

Merry reached for her hand across the bed. She’d made the mistake of googling ‘flu and dementia’ last night, only to find that for dementia patients, flu could be very serious and, in some cases, fatal. She wished she didn’t know herself, and hadn’t planned on mentioning it to Emily.

Gail’s expression softened. ‘For a person whose auto-immune system is already weak, it can be hard to fight off the illness, which can lead to more serious problems.’

‘Oh.’ Emily’s face was a mask of horror. ‘Oh gosh.’

‘But we’re not there yet, and may not be at all,’ Merry countered. Everyone already had enough to worry about, what was the point of heaping more on unnecessarily? ‘Isn’t that right?’

Gail nodded. ‘For now, you’re giving him what he needs, which is your presence – that will be his best medicine.’

Imagine if she’d gone into labour at the Christmas lights switch-on when her waters broke? There was no way she’d have been able to sit at her father’s bedside and risk taking flu home to the baby. She pressed a light hand on her stomach. Stay there, little one, just for a while longer . A feeling of panic rushed up inside her; there was so much to think about, so much to do.

‘Can I open a window?’ Merry begged, fanning her face with a scarf to calm herself.

‘You may not,’ Emily intervened quickly, pressing her sister’s shoulder to ensure she stayed seated. ‘I’ll do it.’

Gail winced. ‘Just a crack please, ladies, we try to maintain a steady temperature. I’ll leave you alone with your father. There’s a pull cord above Ray’s bed if you need anything.’

Emily struggled to open the sash window. Just as well she’d not attempted it herself, thought Merry; despite her habitual ‘can-do’ attitude and refusal to ask for help, she knew she had to be careful physically. She hadn’t told another soul, but her stomach ached as if she’d been overdoing her sit-ups today, and she’d vowed to be sensible.

As if she’d read her mind, Emily slid a stool underneath her feet.

‘There we are, Madam,’ said her sister. ‘Let me know if I can do anything else to enhance your comfort.’

‘A glass of champagne would be nice,’ Merry replied, making herself more comfortable. ‘In my dreams.’

‘Hmm.’ Emily inspected the refreshments on offer. ‘I can do lemon barley water or black tea without milk.’

‘Maybe later, thanks.’

‘Dad taught me how to make tea,’ Emily mused. ‘He used to be so pedantic about it. The water had to be scalding hot, poured the second the kettle boiled. The teabag had to be stirred for at least three minutes. Next, add the sugar, and finally a splash of milk. By the time I moved him in here, he’d forgotten how he liked it. He’d even forgotten how to make it.’

Merry wished she’d known Ray before he’d started to lose his memory. She loved hearing Emily’s childhood stories. Occasionally, she’d feel a tweak of sadness that she hadn’t had a father figure in her own life while growing up, but Ray hadn’t been perfect, and she was mature enough now not to view other people’s lives through rose-tinted glasses.

Ray moaned softly and the sisters stared at each other and then him.

‘I think he’s waking up!’ Merry felt giddy with relief. ‘Thank goodness.’

‘He squeezed my hand!’ Emily whispered.

Ray’s mouth started moving.

‘What is he saying?’ Merry leaned as close as her bump would allow.

‘Something about his girl?’ Emily guessed.

‘It’s OK, Dad. We’re here,’ Merry said. ‘Both your girls, Emily and Merry.’

He lifted his head up and Merry was struck by how much weight he had lost even in the past couple of weeks. The collar of his pyjama shirt swamped his neck; he looked tiny against the pillow. She’d planned to buy him some new ones for Christmas, but perhaps she should buy them now and bring them in.

‘Don’t try to sit up, save your energy,’ Emily soothed, taking his hand again. She looked at Merry and shook her head. ‘He’s changed so much in the month since I was last here, I feel terrible.’

Ray nodded and lay back down. ‘Is that you, Tina?’

‘I’m Tina’s daughter, Dad, Emily. Merry is here too,’ Emily told him.

His voice was barely audible and Merry filled a beaker of water from the jug by his bedside and popped a straw in it.

‘Let me,’ said Emily, taking it from her.

Merry was happy to let her, stretching forward was uncomfortable.

Sometimes, Ray called her Sam, her mum’s name. It was a bittersweet moment. It saddened her to think that he didn’t recognise her, but when he spoke of Sam with such love, sometimes even recalling things they’d done or said, she treasured the fleeting glimpses into her parents’ relationship, always aware that she may never hear that story again.

Ray sipped the water and coughed. Water trickled out of the corner of his mouth and Emily grabbed a tissue to dry his face. ‘Lift up,’ he rasped, making an upward motion with his hand.

Merry fumbled down the side of the mattress for the bed remote-control button. She raised up the bed so that he could see them both and a slow smile appeared on his face.

‘Look at you two, pretty as pictures.’

‘And Merry’s having a baby soon, Dad, remember?’ Emily prompted him.

‘I can see that. She’ll be a great mum,’ Ray mumbled. ‘Bloody great.’

Merry felt her chest heave. How could he know? How could this man, who’d barely got any grasp on who he was, let alone his grown-up daughters, identify her worst fears?

‘Too right she will,’ Emily boasted.

‘Why do you say that?’ Merry demanded. ‘How do you know I will?’

‘You’re kind, lass,’ Ray’s voice was croaky and shook on every word. ‘Just like your mum. She put you first, every time. Even got rid of me because she didn’t think I’d be good for you.’

Merry shook her head. ‘She abandoned me. Left me to be put into care.’

‘No.’ He closed his eyes again. ‘I know Sammy; she saved you, even though she couldn’t save herself.’

‘But I don’t know how to be a mother, Dad.’

‘Pah.’ He rolled his head to the side. ‘Nobody knows what they’re doing. I’ve seen you with your husband’s kids. You know how to love other people. That’s all you need. You can do it, I know you can.’

‘And it’s not long now until the baby comes,’ Emily told him. ‘Are you looking forward to meeting your first grandchild?’

‘Course I am.’ Ray’s voice was only a whisper and after a few moments his breathing slowed.

Merry had tears in her eyes. Her dad couldn’t have said anything more perfect.

Suddenly, his eyes flew open, making the sisters jump.

‘Is it Monday?’ he muttered. ‘We have chops on Monday. Mum’s gone to the butchers.’

Merry and Emily shared a sad smile as they watched their dad slip out of lucidity and into sleep.

‘He’s gone again,’ Emily sighed.

‘As long as he keeps coming back,’ Merry replied, patting his hand. It was icy cold, so she tucked it inside the covers. ‘I want him to meet this baby. I want a picture of them together, so I can say, look, this is you and your granddad. Does that sound mad?’

‘No,’ Emily said softly. ‘It sounds like something a loving mum would say to her child.’

Merry wasn’t so sure. A loving mum would be following doctor’s orders and not wishing she was running a candle-making workshop rather than staying at home to take care of her soon-to-be-born baby.