A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 36

Olek

Olek used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe condensation from the window of his uncle’s cabin and stared outside at the snow, his heart sinking. Bloody hell. The branches of the tree sagged under the weight of last night’s snowfall, and there must be at least a foot of fresh snow on the van roof. The plan had been to start the journey south last night. He’d cleared the snow away from the van and sprinkled salt around the wheels to keep it from freezing, but when he’d checked the traffic news, there’d been so many delays and road closures that he’d decided to wait until this morning.

Now he wasn’t sure if he’d made the right decision. His mum was going to kill him if he didn’t get home. He gave a bark of laughter; forty-seven years old and still worried about what his mother was going to say.

He checked his phone again: no signal. The mobile mast must still be down. Shit. The last message he’d had was from Nell yesterday, about the day out Cole and Emily had organised. It was obvious she’d got the wrong end of the stick and thought he would be going with her. It was his fault entirely; he should have been clearer. But it had felt awkward messaging her with frivolous details of a spa day after not speaking to her about the major issues they were going through. The trouble was that he didn’t know what Nell had told people about the state of their marriage, and didn’t want to create any problems for her. So when Emily had asked him to make sure Nell would be prepped and ready by eight-thirty, he hadn’t wanted to admit that two days before Christmas Eve he wasn’t even at home with his wife. Which was where he wanted to be. Very much.

God, he missed her. He missed the way she felt in his arms, her head fitting just so underneath his chin. He hated waking up without her, he missed the little noises she made as she came to in the morning. He even missed having to make her first coffee of the day, just the right strength in just the right mug. He missed being in his own home, his own bed, and very much wanted their old life back. The one before all this baby stuff came along and turned everything upside down. Nell was his best friend. Even after years of marriage, she was still the person he wanted to hang out with more than anyone else. People talked about wanting to grow old with someone, but he loved the way he felt like a teenager when he was with her. They had fun, they laughed all the time, he could count the times they’d argued on one hand, and they had shared everything. Or so he’d thought.

He didn’t understand why she hadn’t just come out with the truth on the day Dr Bajek gave her the results. What had she achieved by pretending that it was her with the fertility problem? And then there was her termination. That had come out of the blue. She had been pregnant before, and in all their time together, she had not once thought it would be a good idea to tell him. But both of these things paled in importance when compared to the bigger issue. And that was Max. He would have got over the other things by now if he hadn’t heard her tell Woody that she didn’t think Max could be his son.

Olek felt sick to his stomach every time he remembered hearing Nell’s voice as he’d climbed the stairs to the Airbnb above the shop.

He must never find out.

Maybe he was unusual and other men would be fine with it, but he couldn’t bear the shame of people knowing he was infertile. The pity on their faces when they put two and two together and realised that all these years, he’d been bringing up a boy who wasn’t his.

He hated his own weakness. He hated his body for letting him down and all because of getting mumps as a kid. Mumps was a joke. It puffed your face up and made you feel like hell for a week or so. It wasn’t supposed to ruin your life. But the thing Olek hated most of all was that he’d always had his suspicions about whether Max was his. He had managed to keep them at bay, never to examine them too closely. But now he couldn’t avoid it any longer.

For years, Yvonna hadn’t conceived, then one day she had changed, she had a new energy about her, a sparkiness to her behaviour, a reluctance to spend time alone with him. When she’d found out she was pregnant, it had healed their relationship for a time, and he’d pushed any niggling concerns to the back of his mind. Right up until he’d found her with Viktor, and it all came flooding back. He’d been humiliated and lost his confidence for a while, until he met Nell. Nell had made everything right in his world.

These last couple of weeks had brought those feelings of weakness into sharp focus again. But he knew what he needed to do.

Olek put the fire out, spreading the last few embers which still retained a glow from last night. He stuffed his remaining things into his bag, checked he hadn’t left anything in the bathroom, and turned out the lights.

It was time to go home and face the music.