A Mountain Springs Christmas

Chapter 14

fourteen

NICK

A gust of wind hit Nick as he and Holly stepped out of the Allreds’ home, biting into him, making him hunch his shoulders to bring his coat closer to his ears. He felt Holly shiver through the hand he held. There was already frost on his car—he wished he would’ve started it ahead of time so it could have been warming up.

There were a lot of things he wished he would’ve done differently tonight. He started the car as Holly got in, then he grabbed the blanket in the back seat and spread it over her so she wouldn’t freeze. After grabbing the ice scraper from the trunk, he went to work on the windows. The lump in his throat felt as big as the one in his gut, and his mind was a blizzard of thoughts and emotions.

He’d had doubts about having a relationship that had wound their way into his mind for quite a few days. The inner turmoil that had started with hearing about Rachel’s cancer, elevated when he’d found the shadowbox Clara had made, and continued through the ugly sweater party and the Christmas Eve dinner was huge. He thought that by ending things with Rachel he’d feel relief from that turmoil. That it would be stopping it at the source.

So why did he feel so much worse now? His guts ached. His heart was filled with regrets and pangs of loneliness. His head was a clouded mess where nothing felt right. In fact, that it couldn’t be more wrong.

He shook the ice off the scraper and tossed it back into his trunk before getting into his car, rubbing his hands together to give them a little warmth before grabbing the steering wheel. The entire ride home, Holly was chatting a million miles an hour about Christmas.

“This whole time, I figured I was on Santa’s nice list, because I’ve been trying super hard to be nice to people, but as you were scraping the windows, Daddy, I suddenly wondered when Santa downloads the list.”

“Downloads the list?”

“Yeah, you know, so he can print it out and give it to the elves so they can get everything ready to go. Did he download it like a month ago so they’d have plenty of time? Because a month ago, I’m not sure I was on the nice list. Do you think I’m going to wake up tomorrow and there’s just going to be underwear under the tree? Because Zach S. said that one year he was pretty sure he was on the naughty list and he didn’t get coal—he got underwear.”

“I don’t think Santa has a naughty and nice list. I think he just loves when you keep trying.”

“Really? Phew . There are a lot of kids in my class who will be relieved to hear that. Hey, does Santa have any kids? Or are the elves like his kids?” Holly had been trying to get a satisfactory answer to that one for days.

The questions went on and on, and he did his best to answer each one, wondering how she was ever going to relax enough to fall asleep tonight.

As soon as they stepped through the garage door into the house, Rosy greeted them with as much excitement and lack of tiredness as Holly had been showing. Bedtime was sure to be rough tonight.

He went through all the motions with Holly, trying to keep a smile on his face the whole time. They placed a glass of milk and the package of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups they’d gotten for Santa on the table. When they’d last been at the store, Holly had decided that Santa was definitely a dad and that dads liked Reese’s (based solely on the fact that Nick did), so they should get him that instead of cookies.

Finally, he got both the dog and his daughter tucked into bed. He pulled the blankets up to her chin and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Goodnight, Hollyberry.”

“Goodnight, Daddy. Since this is the night before Christmas, I’m going to have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head.”

He chuckled. “I can’t wait to hear about it tomorrow.”

“And I can’t wait to go to eat cinnamon rolls at Aiden’s tomorrow after we open presents.”

The weight in his stomach somehow got heavier. “Actually, we are going to celebrate at home tomorrow until we go to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s.”

She sat up in bed. “What? But no. I really want to go see Aiden and Rachel!”

“Don’t worry,” he said as she lay back down and he fixed her blankets again, “I’m going to make it a super special morning.” He had no idea how. Making it more special than being there with Rachel and Aiden felt like an impossible task. Sometime tomorrow he’d have to share the reason why they weren’t going there in the morning, once he figured out how to do that.

After he left Holly’s room, pulling the door closed behind him, he wandered through his house. He’d been so happy to finally have the place finished so they could move in after being in cramped bedrooms at his in-laws. He had so much space now, but instead of feeling spacious, it just felt… empty.

He couldn’t believe that he’d ended things with Rachel. Or more that he went along with her ending things without him doing a single thing to fight for the relationship. He’d felt so much turmoil leading up to tonight, but now all he could think of was everything he’d loved about being with Rachel over the past several weeks. How much he loved talking with her, texting her, doing things together with the kids, and spending time with just her.

Every memory he had with her was perfect, which made the pang of losing something that had the potential to be so great even more painful. What were the chances of a guy getting the opportunity to fall completely in love twice in his lifetime? He had it. And he threw it all away. He was feeling the pain of that loss acutely.

After mindless wandering through empty rooms, feeling as alone as he had in those first days after Clara died, he checked in on Holly. The excitement of the day must’ve finally caught up with her because she was fast asleep. He carried the box of presents from his room upstairs to the family room downstairs and put them under the tree.

Then he headed back upstairs, flopped down on his bed, and pulled out his phone. He swiped to the last screen, looked at Clara’s face, and said, “Remember a few years ago when I was working at GilsonTech but then got offered a job at Improvementally? I didn’t want to accept it, because I was perfectly happy at my job and the new job was such an unknown. I’d been afraid to take it because what if things went badly at the new job? It hadn’t felt worth the risk. But you told me that you knew it was a good fit for me and that I would thrive at the new job.”

He nodded. “And you were right. It was a very good change for me in so many ways. I never would’ve been able to work remotely and move here with the old job, either. I’ve definitely thrived at Improvementally.”

He let out a huff of a humorless chuckle and shook his head, then closed his eyes for a moment before facing her picture again. “Apparently, I didn’t learn that lesson enough the first time around and needed it again. Except for this time, I didn’t choose so well. I think I messed up pretty big, actually.” He looked up at the ceiling. “But everything’s changed since you died, Clara, and I don’t know anymore if I even can make the right choice.”

He was just talking to a picture on a phone, yet he still felt bad that he was dumping that all on her. But if she was able to tune in from heaven, he knew she’d understand. He just wished she could also tell him what to do because right now, he didn’t know.