A Sinner’s Saint (De Bellis Crime Family #4)

Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

One month later

I t’s the first day of classes and my second year of university, but as I park my car on campus, my anxiety sparks to life. I’m not nervous about the school itself or my course list. It’s him. I’m fucking petrified of seeing him.

What if he’s with someone else? Can I really handle seeing that? I wouldn’t blame him if he were. It’s been over a year since we last spoke. He could have been with a million women since then. Well, maybe not a million, but he’s a De Bellis. Those guys don’t exactly have to work to get women.

Just the thought of having to see him makes me nervous, while the thought of seeing him with a different girl leaves me feeling nauseated. I can’t see that, but maybe I need to. Maybe if I see that, it’ll be the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. The last straw. The push I need to be able to let go of him completely.

I like to tell myself that I’ve let go. That I’m over him. I’m not. How do you get over a love like that? I honestly thought I was one of the lucky ones. I found a guy who I thought loved me so intensely, so wholly, at such a young age. I thought we’d grow up together, and then grow old together.

What are the chances of seeing him anyway? It’s a big campus, and we’re not exactly studying the same subjects. I’ve been back in Melbourne for a month and I’ve yet to see him anywhere. Not that I’ve ventured out a lot. If I’m honest, there was that tiny, minuscule part of me that hoped he’d reach out. I have no doubt Dash would have told Vin that we ran into each other.

But it’s been radio silence. Not that it matters. I’m over him. I don’t care, right? That’s what any normal person would say after a year of waiting. And you know what the sad thing about it is? I still lie awake at night and wonder if Vin is sleeping, if the nightmares are still haunting him. Has he found another way to get a peaceful night’s rest? How is he functioning and going on with life without me?

Because I’m struggling. I struggle every damn day.

I might have taken a little extra care in getting ready today, put on that little bit of extra makeup and did my hair up nice. It’s for my benefit, not his, though. I’m probably not going to see him, but on the off chance that I do, I want to look my best. I don’t want him to see how much he’s broken me. I might love him, but I’m not going to let him break my heart twice. Once was enough.

My phone vibrates in my bag, and I pull it out to see a message from my aunt lighting up the screen.

Aunt Stacey:

Good luck today. Remember you are great. You are amazing!

Her words bring a small smile to my face. I’ve always had a close relationship with my aunt, but it’s gotten stronger over the last year. I leaned on her, and she let me. She’s helped me when I couldn’t help myself. She saw me at my worst. When I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks at a time, when I couldn’t eat or keep food down, it was my aunt who held me in her arms and let me cry every night for months. And let’s just say, if she knew who he was, she would have hunted Vin down and found a way to hurt him.

I type out a reply, thanking her, and then throw my phone back into my bag. I have five minutes to get to my first lecture. I make it just before the doors are locked, grabbing a seat in the back of the hall as quietly as I can. I do not need to draw attention to myself right now.

“Hey, I’m Scarlett.”

I turn to see a friendly smile on the face of a cute redhead. “Cammi,” I whisper back.

“You look stressed. Don’t be. I’ve heard Professor Carter is easy,” she says.

“Perfect.” I return her smile. The class has nothing to do with my nerves. But I appreciate her concern.

“You’re new,” she says.

“Just transferred from Sydney,” I tell her.

“Oh, fun. Wanna grab coffee after class?”

“Sure,” I agree because, so far, she seems nice. And, honestly, it’d be great to make some new friends. I have Elena still, but she’s studying law, and I’m pretty sure none of her classes are anywhere near mine. Devon went to university in Queensland, and Lauren ditched uni altogether to open her own bookshop. Which is doing really well.

I do my best to listen to the professor’s introduction. By the time the lecture is over, I think I finally manage to focus. I’ve had to teach myself how to compartmentalise. I can’t spend all day thinking about him. So I let my mind drift for little spirts of time each day. Then I think about other things. I’ll pinch my wrist, do anything to distract myself if he creeps into my mind too much. It kind of works.

“When’s your next class?” Scarlett asks.

“Ah…” I pull out my timetable and check the clock on the wall before peering over at her again. “I’ve got an hour.”

“Perfect. Come on. I’ll show you the best coffee shop on campus,” she says.

“Amazing. Thank you. Do you mind if I invite a friend?” I ask, already tugging my phone out of my pocket.

“Not at all.” Scarlett picks up her bag and waits for me as I send Elena a quick message.

Me:

You free? Going to a coffee shop with a new friend.

Elena:

Friend? Female or male? And which coffee shop?

I glance to Scarlett again. “What’s the name of the coffee shop?”

“Japas,” she says.

Me:

Japas. Female friend.

Elena:

Meet you there.

Dropping my phone into my bag, I follow Scarlett out of the building. “Thank you,” I tell her. “My friend Elena is meeting us there.”

“What’s she studying?”

“Law. Do you live on campus?”

“Yeah, you?” Scarlett asks.

“No, I’m staying with my mum for a bit.” I plan on getting a job and an apartment soon. For now, I’m happy to stay and help my mother.

We make small talk as Scarlett directs us to the coffee shop. The whole time, I’m looking around the gardens and the walkways. I need to stop. I’m not looking for him.

I order a vanilla caramel latte and a muffin that I know I won’t eat. But it looks good, and by the time we sit down, Elena walks in. “You have no idea how freaking glad I am you’re finally back.” She wraps her arms around me. “It’s been way too quiet around here.”

“I’ve been back for a month,” I tell her, returning her hug.

“Yeah, but back at school. With me.” She smirks.

“Back? Where did you go?” Scarlett asks.

I make quick introductions before explaining how I was in Sydney for my first year, leaving out the reason why.

“So, have you seen him yet?” Elena says right after our coffees arrive.

“Seen who?” Scarlett looks in my direction, her eyes full of intrigue.

“No one, and no,” I answer both of them in one breath.

“ No one sounds an awful lot like a someone.” Scarlett laughs.

“Her ex,” Elena clarifies. “He goes here.”

“Have you seen him?” I counter.

“I try not to,” she sneers, like the mere thought of Vin sends her into a fit of rage.

“What did he do? Cheat?” Scarlett asks me.

“No, he wouldn’t do that.” I don’t want people talking badly about him. I know I’m meant to be the one hating him, and I do. Well, some part of me does. There’s just a bigger part that loves him.

“He broke her heart. And ghosted her,” Elena says.

“Has he… Do you know if…” I can’t even bring myself to ask the question.

“No,” she says. “From what Marcus tells me, he hasn’t touched a single person.”

He hasn’t? Why not? “You still talk to Marcus?” This is news to me.

She looks away and shrugs. “Every now and then,” she says before asking, “How’s your mum?”

“Nah-ah, do not even try to change the subject. What’s going on with you and Marcus?”

“Nothing. He needed help with his shop and he asked me. That’s it. There’s nothing to tell.” Elena looks everywhere but at me as she speaks. “So, back to Vin? What are you going to do when you see him? Kick him in the balls? Chop them off?”

“No. I’m going to be mature and walk right past him if I have to. I’m not going to let him have any more of an impact on my life.” I don’t believe my own words. I guess we’re both lying now.

“How long has it been? Since the breakup?” Scarlett asks me.

“Three-hundred and ninety-eight days,” I tell her.

“Oh, so… a while,” she says.

“I love him more than I love myself,” I attempt to explain.

“Love or loved ?” Elena presses.

“Same thing.” I shrug.

“No, they are two very different things, Cammi. You love him still or you loved him once. See? Two different meanings.” This comes from Scarlett.

Again, I lift a single shoulder. “Do you ever really just stop loving someone? I feel like if that were possible, you probably weren’t really in love with them to begin with.” I need to get out of here. I can’t sit around talking about him. I’m supposed to not be thinking about him at all. “I have to get to my next class. I’ll catch up with you both later.”

“Sure, thanks for the chat,” Scarlett says.

“I’ll come with.” Elena jumps up from her seat. And as much as I want to be alone, I can’t bring myself to tell her I don’t want her to come with me. Besides, she knows this campus. She might come in handy in helping me find where I’m actually going. “Are you okay? Really, Cammi. Don’t lie to me,” Elena asks as soon as we’re out of earshot.

“I’m trying to be,” I tell her.

“Okay, whatever you need, all you have to do is ask. I’m here for you, Cammi. Always.” She wraps her arms around me.

“I know. Thank you.” I’ve never really confided much about Vin to my friends. I don’t know why. I guess I just want whatever we had to stay between us. Private. I don’t want them tainting my opinions of him or what we shared with their own. I meant what I told Scarlett. I really did love him more than myself. Do I still feel that way? I’m not sure.

“Shit,” Elena hisses. “Ah, Cammi, let’s go this way,” she says, pulling me in the opposite direction.

“Why?” I ask her, looking around at the almost-empty field we’re walking across. And that’s when I see the reason. “Vin.” His name is a whisper on my lips.

My feet stop, my legs buckle, and my heart picks up speed. I can’t move. I’m frozen in place. Staring into the darkness of his eyes. My head starts to spin and my chest starts to ache. I bring my hand up, rubbing at the spot where it hurts most, but it does nothing to alleviate the pain.

“Elena? It’s happening again,” I manage to get out before I feel myself falling.