A Very Badd Christmas (The Badd Brothers #19)

11. Emerson

CHAPTER 11

emerson

T he house was finally quiet. It was almost three in the morning, and I was the only one still up. I was exhausted and wanted desperately to sleep, but I couldn't. My buzz had worn off, leaving me with a headache and a sour stomach.

I had Hayden on the brain.

I got the electric kettle out of the cabinet, filled it, and set it to heating while I found my favorite mug. It was oversized and white with stick figures painted on it, two larger and four smaller ones lined up and holding hands. Each person's name was written above their stick figure stand-in: Daddy, Mommy, Delia, Duncan, Dane, and Emerson. Delia made it in art class in fourth grade and represented the sum of her artistic talents. It also represented the first time I had a physical representation of me belonging to the Badd family in any kind of official capacity.

I waited for the kettle to click off, poured the boiling water over the peppermint tea bag, and took it outside. The fire was off, as were the space heaters, so it was bitterly cold, but I had a thick coat and my Ugg slippers. I wrapped myself in a blanket, kicked my feet up, and rested the mug on my stomach while it steeped.

The clouds had cleared in the last hour or two since everyone left, taking the snow with it, leaving a wash of brilliant, sparkling, scintillating stars. I stared up at them, thinking.

The main question on my mind was a simple one, yet it didn't seem to have a clear-cut answer: Can you fall in love with someone within seventy-two hours of meeting them?

It didn't seem possible. On the face of it, it seemed ludicrous. You can't know the first thing about a person in that short amount of time. In order to love someone, you have to know them—who they are. What they like, what they don't like. What they believe. I've been friends with good, kind, sexy, decent guys at school for months, years, even. Alex Naismith, for example. He was in my program, plays for the men's soccer team, and was in many of my classes. He was a good guy, got good grades, treated people well, kicked ass at soccer. He had a nice dick and used it well. We’d fucked three or four times, and I enjoyed it—I enjoyed him. But it never went anywhere. Aside from physical pleasure, there was just… nothing. I liked him, but I never felt anything for him but affection and friendship. Why? I liked the person who Alex is. He was a genuinely good person who should have been a perfect match for me. But despite all that, we’re nothing more than friends.

Yet, within a few days of meeting Hayden, my world got turned upside down. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I craved him. And yes, it was physical. He was hot as fuck. That black hair, messy and wild, those green eyes…and fuck, that body, all hard and lean and shredded, and yeah, that cock of his. But it was more than that. A lot more. It's his bearing, his energy. He made me feel seen and safe. He made me feel powerful and sexy and wanted.

But what do I know about him? He went to Purdue, works in cybersecurity, his father just died, he's an only child…and that's about it. I don't know what music he listens to, his politics, his religion, his taste in movies…

Does that matter?

"Can't sleep, huh, kiddo?" Bast's voice startled me so badly that I jerked, spilling tea on my hand.

“Fuck—ow!” I set the mug aside and shook my hand, hissing. "You scared the shit outta me," I said.

"Sorry," he muttered. "Scoot."

I shifted to make room for him, lifting the blanket. He slid under and covered himself. I leaned against him, grabbing my mug and taking a careful sip.

"Thinking deep thoughts?" he asked, taking the mug and stealing a sip.

I sighed. “Yeah, I guess so."

"Talk to me."

"Why are you up?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Got up to piss and had a hunch you were up."

"What, you're psychic, now?" I asked, laughing.

"Nah. A father just knows."

I couldn't argue with that. "I'm wrestling with the question every kid ends up asking their parents at some point."

"Where do babies come from?" he teased, that infuriating smirk of his on his face.

I rolled my eyes at him. "No, I'm pretty sure I've got that one covered, thanks."

He sighed. "What is love?"

"Almost—how do you know you're in love? More specifically, can you be in love with someone you just met?" I looked at him, watching him absorb my question.

He cast his gaze to the sky, thinking for a long time. "Emmy, babe, that is a hell of a question. There is no one-size-fits-all answer." He sighed and stole another sip of my tea. "The moment I laid eyes on Dru, I was…smitten, I guess. I can't think of any better word. But was that love? Or just instant attraction or chemistry? I fought it. I fought it hard. But it was…it's not something you can fight, if that's the person your soul has chosen. My soul chose Dru, and hers chose me. I couldn't walk away, and neither could she. The idea of going through life, of going another day, another week, another month, another year without her just didn't compute in my brain. My body craved her. My soul was comforted by her. It just…clicked."

I sighed a laugh. "So it comes down to…you just know?"

His chest bounced beneath me as he chuckled. "Unfortunately. I wish I had a better, clearer answer for you, but I don't." He rubbed my arm and squeezed me to him. "If you want a more concise answer to whether you can fall in love with someone you just met, then I say yes. You fall in love with a person's soul. Who they are. Their body, too. You can't ignore what a person looks like. But in the end, it's who they are matching who you are that makes a relationship work, and that's something I can't define for you. What works, what makes two people click? Matchmakers may say they know, but I think there's an element to it no one will ever be able to really nail down. So just because you don't know all the details of who Hayden is, all about his life, his past, the inner workings of his personality…to me, that all comes over time. Falling in love is a lot simpler than that. Conducting a successful relationship, a strong marriage? That's a whole hell of a lot more fucking complicated. But falling in love? You ask me, yeah, that can happen in an instant."

"That's what I was afraid of." I sipped tea and stared at the stars.

"Afraid? Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of?"

"I don't know," I murmured. "I haven't gotten to that point of self-reflection yet."

"Well, you need to talk more, I'm here. I can listen, I can give advice. I can toss his ass into the Passage. Whatever you need."

"I don’t think Passage-tossing will be necessary, but thanks," I said, laughing.

"I don't either. He seems like a good dude.”

I twisted to look up at him. "You know, the whole, um, disappearing thing? That was my idea."

A snort. "It doesn't matter. I wasn't and am not mad about it. I just wanted to know how he'd react under pressure. If he'd throw you under the bus or protect you. He showed up for you. He protected you. Stood his ground. I respect him for that."

"No more tests, okay? Please? I need to be able to figure out what this is and what I want and how it would work out on my own. So does he. And it all just feels…so fucking fast. My head is spinning. I just met him and I feel like…like I've always known him. The thought of him leaving and going back to Indiana and me going back to Seattle and us not seeing each other anymore…it scares me. Makes me feel panicky. But what do we do? I have a life, I have plans, and he has a life and he has plans. And those things are a whole fucking continent apart."

"Are we discussing your love life without me?" I heard Mama Dru say as the sliding door opened and closed.

We both turned to watch her come out, wrapped in a thick red fleece robe with an oversized white beanie with a puffy pompom on top of her head tugged down over her ears. She had a mug of tea in her hands, too, and scurried over to us.

"Let me in, let me in—it's cold out here!” she said, squeezing in on Big Daddy Bast's other side.

He flipped open the blanket and tucked Dru in against his other side, then wrapped the blanket around her again, sighing contentedly. "Good?"

She hummed happily as she snuggled in, only one hand holding the mug outside the blanket. "Yep. Now. What's the tea?"

"Peppermint," Bast said.

Dru and I both laughed.

"I mean, what are we talking about, honey," she said, chuckling as she patted his stomach.

"Oh. Emmy's love life," Bast said.

"And whether you can fall in love at first sight, how to know, and why I'm scared of being in love with Hayden," I filled in.

"Ah. So minor things." She blew across the top of her tea, sipped, and hissed. "Ooh shit—still really fucking hot, Jesus. Okay, um…let's see. Question number one: can you fall in love at first sight? Yes. This big hunk here fell in love with me at first sight. I was drunk and heartbroken at the time, so I fought it quite a bit longer than he did. Question number two: you just know. If the thought of being apart from him makes you panic and possibly rethink your entire life, you're in love. And question number three…that's a trickier one. You have daddy issues, I think."

"Excuse me?" Bast said.

"Not you, honey." She rubbed his chest. "Her biological father."

I frowned. "I don't think about him at all. I barely knew him, I'm not mad at him—he's…he's nothing to me. No one. I don't even know if he's still alive, and frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Mama Dru just sighed. "Oh, honey, I wish it were that simple. But the wounds left by our parents in our youth tend to go unnoticed until we're much older. They get buried very, very deeply. I'm fifty years old and I'm still dealing with my mother's death. My father loved me and took care of me as well as he could, but there was still a part of me that felt abandoned by my mother and by Dad, because even though he was present and doing his best, he still threw himself into work to cope, which left me to deal with shit on my own." She gazed up at her husband. "Bast honey, I know you went through something very similar."

He nodded. "And I'm still dealing with it, still seeing places where it's fucking me up. Mom died, and Dad withdrew into himself, into work, and into the bottom of a bottle. He never hit us or verbally lashed out or anything. He wasn't…well, he wasn’t like Uncle Lucas was with Roman, Remington, and Ramsey before he got himself cleaned up and married Liv. Dad just…he was a ghost. And I was left raising my brothers. Running the bar. I had to grow up real fuckin' fast, and to this day, that’s why I tend to be more serious and sometimes kinda grouchy. Felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders from a very young age, and that kinda thing sticks with you."

"And so you guys think I'm afraid of falling in love because of something to do with my father?" I looked up at Bast. “Because you're my dad. In every way that has ever counted, you're my dad. How can I have psychological hangups I'm not even aware of?"

Dru laughed. "Oh, my sweet summer child." She craned forward, blew across the rim of her mug, sipped the tea, then rested the mug on Bast's thigh over the blanket. "Our deepest hang-ups tend to be invisible until we’re willing to see them, and it usually takes something huge like falling in love to see them."

I sighed, resting my head back on the couch. "I've got a lot of thinking to do, I guess, huh?"

Bast tilted his head to one side. “I mean, I don't think it's all that complicated, babe. The fucker abandoned you. You're afraid of letting Hayden all the way in because you're afraid he'll abandon you, too."

"Hmmm," I hummed. "I don't know. I mean, I have, like, almost twenty good men who stayed. From you to Uncle Errol, you've all stayed."

"Like I said, honey, it's deeper than that." Dru tried the tea again. "Your father abandoned you at a very young age and did so repeatedly. Yes, you have all of us who've shown you what lasting love looks like. But the instinctive fear of commitment? That's one of those deep wounds that you have to work past. And at some point, honestly, you just have to assess the risks and either jump or don't. Either Hayden is worth the risk and fear and work, or he's not. And only you can decide that."

I thunked my head backward a couple of times, groaning. "Ugh!" I laughed and sat up to sip. "Why can't anything be easy?"

Bast laughed. "Wish I knew, girl, wish I knew. But nothin' ever is, and that's just life. I will say, though, in this, it's worth it."

"It is?" I asked.

Bast twisted to frown down at me. "Well, yeah. Obviously. Falling in love was scary as fuck, but I haven't regretted it a day in my life. It ain't all been easy. We’ve had our share of knock-down, drag-out fights about all sorts of shit. I had a hard time adjusting to fatherhood, largely because of my hangups about my father. But I wouldn't change a thing."

I sighed and then groaned. "So I just have to jump…or not."

"Pretty much," Dru said.

"Cool," I muttered. "On a related note, how would you guys feel if we had Hayden and Kaye over on Christmas Day? They're alone. It'll just be them on that giant stupid boat with a few thousand strangers, eating cruise ship buffet food and listening to Christmas Muzak or whatever."

Bast laughed. "I don't think it'd be as bad as you're imagining, babe."

Dru blew a raspberry. "Speak for yourself, husband. Christmas Day on a cruise ship, months after losing their father and husband? That does sound exactly that bad." She looked up at Bast, waiting.

He nodded. "If you feel like you want to share Christmas Day with them, Emerson, then we will welcome them without hesitation, you know that."

"I do. I'm not sure I can explain why, I just feel like it's the right thing to do." I closed my eyes and let out a long breath. "You're sure?"

"Absolutely," Bast said, squeezing me. "They're good people. I like them both, and if you're falling for the guy, then it only makes sense to have them over."

"I have a better idea." Dru hesitated. "Not sure how either of you will feel about this. But what if they came over Christmas Eve and stayed? Kaye can have the basement, and you and Hayden are in your room."

Bast said nothing.

"You're okay with us sharing a room?"

She shrugged. "You're adults. I wouldn't let Duncan or Dane have a girlfriend sleep over, but they're still in high school. You're a grown woman and he's a grown man. Bast, honey, what do you think?"

He considered for a moment. "I think Dunc and Dane take the basement, and Kaye takes Dane's room on the end, with Dunc's room in the middle empty. Delia I’m not worried about.”

I slid under the blanket, hiding my flushed face. "Good plan." I shoved one hand out of the blanket and gave a thumbs up. "We don't need to discuss it any further."

Dru reached across and poked me. "Discuss what? How you and Hayden are desperate for time alone? At night? In a bed? When the house isn't full of people?

I pulled the blanket down enough to reveal my eyes, which I used to glare at her. "Yes, that."

Bast yawned. "You know we're gonna tease you, babe. But I'm cool with it. Set it up."

Dru yawned next. "I probably should get gifts for them, then."

"I don't know," I said. "Kaye would probably not like being given a gift when she didn’t have one to give. She strikes me as that type of person."

"So tell 'em tomorrow, and make sure they know they're not obligated to give anyone anything." Bast kissed my temple. "I'm about to ready to go back to bed. You should try to sleep, too."

Dru slid off the couch, tugged her robe closed tighter as a gust of wind skirled, and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. "Love you, Sunni-girl. All you can do is take it one day at a time and listen to your heart. You're a smart girl; you'll figure it out."

"Thanks, guys," I said. "I'll be in in a minute."

They headed in, and a few minutes later, so did I. It took a while, but I did eventually fall asleep. My dreams were of Hayden, and they were not PG-13.