About Time (Broken Vows #4)

Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Hattie Past- Age 19

My body is buzzing when I leave the bar. Even though I didn’t have a drop of alcohol, I feel like the ground I’m standing on is shifting under my feet. I feel like I’m on the edge of an adventure, and my body is buzzing with the expectation of adrenaline.

I don’t sleep well, and when my alarm goes off in the morning, I struggle to wake up. I lace up my running shoes and hit the pavement. It's not the same as running on the beach in Florida, but I've become addicted to the release of endorphins. There aren't a lot of ways to get that same high, not like surfing. Since I have a few hours before I am supposed to meet up with Charlie, I need to do something to settle my nerves.

Finally, around six, Charlie texts me to come over to his house around seven. What does around seven mean? Am I supposed to be there at seven, or am I supposed to be there after seven? It's really confusing. But since we are going with casual, I will err on the side of caution and show up around seven-fifteen. Maybe if I were more experienced, I would be more confident in dealing with the opposite sex. Until then, I’m going to fake it.

I know there’s something wrong with me pursuing a man ten years older than me. Maybe other people wouldn’t think twice if I were older, like in my thirties, but I’m not. Some will say I have daddy issues, and I guess that’s probably true.

My mom was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease rather late, and I guess her health struggles were too much for my dad. When she went from caring for him to needing to be cared for occasionally, he hit the road. The added stress of becoming a single mom and the sole income made her ignore her health for longer than she should have. What should have been a manageable condition if treated caused too much damage to her organs, and by the time she started taking her health seriously, it was too late. She declined rapidly, and by the time I was eleven years old, I ended up being cared for by my twenty-three-year-old sister.

Elisa tried to find our dad, but if she succeeded, she never told me. Good riddance because any man who can’t be bothered to take care of the most selfless woman I’ve ever known is someone who doesn’t deserve to be remembered. That’s why I pushed until I was allowed to change my last name to Parker and lose Reynolds forever.

So yeah, I probably am drawn to Charlie a bit because he’s older than me. I’m not stupid enough to allow myself to slip into some kind of girlie fantasy that he and I will fall madly in love and live happily ever after. I’ve got plans for my life, and I won’t let a man derail me the way my sperm donor did to my mother. She dropped out of college to have Elisa and never went back. It’s a pretty common thing here in Harriston, and no matter what, I’m going to finish school.

That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy my life while I’m pursuing my future. Life is too short to put off living it for tomorrow. I doubt Charlie would like the fact that I think of him as some item on my bucket list, but he told me himself that we are going to use each other and nothing deeper than that. As long as I keep that in the front of my mind, I will leave him with a smile and a memory to hold on to for the rest of my days. That’s all life is really, a bunch of experiences we bank in our memory. When I take my last breath, I’d rather regret the things I did than the things I was too afraid to try.

This daring attitude does not, in fact, mean that I am actually brave. By six, my room looks like it was hit by a tornado that destroyed my closet and threw the contents around my room. I am alternating holding up two different tops in front of my cheval mirror when my phone rings.

“Yeah,” I answer my phone, still focusing on which shirt is sexier. The answer is neither of them because I have two modes, sporty and pajamas.

Elisa calls me several times a day. I guess some would find it annoying, but since we only had each other, I think it’s security for us. “We’re going to watch a movie, do you want to come over and join us? Wren got to pick, so it’s the Sandlot again.”

While I do love a good baseball movie, she’s watched that one half a dozen times. “Yeah, I’m not sad that I’ve got plans.”

“Yikes, because I’m kinda outside your door.”

I open the door and let her into my studio apartment. She gives me a mom look. The kind with one blonde eyebrow raised and a look in her eyes that speaks an entire conversation. Sometimes, she looks so much like our mom that it’s hard to breathe. I exhale slowly and shove those emotions down. I won’t cry right now. It’s been years since mom passed, and it still cuts just like it did when I was eleven. I’m not sure you ever get over losing someone like that. Not that young.

“And who are these plans with? When are you going to be back?” Elisa asks.

I copy her facial expression and lean against my dresser. “Really? I’m nineteen, Lis. Do you really need my full itinerary? I didn’t keep you updated when I was in Florida.”

My fingernails dig into my palm while I wait for her to answer me. I am a shit liar, but telling her the truth is out of the question. If I let it slip now, this thing with Charlie is over before it even begins. Somehow, I feel like if I pass up on this time with him, my life won’t be the same as it should be. That’s silly because there’s no way I should be putting that much emphasis on a fling, but there is something critical about the time I will get to spend with him alone.

Elisa rolls her eyes. “I guess it’s time I start to act more like your big sister than your mom. I knew we’d get here eventually, but I wasn’t ready. You have to help me keep Wren from growing up too fast. I won’t survive her not being my little girl anymore.”

This is not a conversation I feel emotionally prepared to have now. What I need is a good distraction, so I go over to my giant pile of clothes and hold up the tops in front of me. “Well, big sis. Which one is sexier?”

She shakes her head. “Nope, I was wrong. It’s too soon. You’re still twelve in my head. Don’t you still have overalls in there?”

A hysterical laugh explodes from me, and for a moment, I am afraid she knows where I’m going. How many times had Charlie poked fun at my overalls? It would be a surefire method of birth control, that’s for sure.

Elisa sighs. “I hope whoever he is, he treats you right. You could tell me about him if you want.”

I’m shaking my head before she’s even finished speaking. “There’s no one. It’s just a group hang, but I would like there to be the possibility of someone. I’m tired of being the only girl that doesn’t get looked at twice.”

She smiles a sad smile at me. “I wish you could see how beautiful you are.” A single tear slips free, and she brushes it away. “Stunning, just like our mom was.”

There goes that lump again. I can see that Lis is losing the fight against it too. “Will it ever get easier, you think? Her being gone?”

Elisa shakes her head no. “I think we’ll learn to live with it. At least, I hope we will. Every time I feel insecure as a mom, I want to ask for her advice. Or, I’d just like to show her how smart you are and how amazing my little girl is. We should have gotten to share all of that with her. Wren should have gotten to make cookies with her like we used to do.”

I can almost smell the warm sugar and chocolate. “You made cookies with her. I ate batter. You’re the one who taught me.”

Lis smiles. “Let her be a kid for a while longer. I don’t want to admit that she’s old enough yet. I have this fear that I won’t have enough time with her.”

“I think that’s just because we lost Mom too soon. For what it’s worth, I think you should bake with her.”

She waves me off. “I would, but I feel her every time I’m in the kitchen. I can’t get over feeling cheated that Wren doesn’t get to, so I have made other memories with her. I’ll get over it, but I’m not ready yet.”

Elisa shakes off the melancholy that comes every time we talk about Mom, and starts digging through the pile of clothes I’d discarded.

She grabs a top from the pile. “This is the one. You look good in red. It’s simple, but that’s good because you don’t need anything taking away from your beauty.”

I smile at her. “Okay, big sis, it’s time for you to go start that movie night. I need to get dressed, then I’m heading out.”

“Fine. I get it. Use me for my fashion skills and kick me out. I see how it is,” she teases me.

I shake my head at her. “Drama queen. You better get going. Otherwise, Martin is going to pick the toppings for the pizza.”

“Oh, shit. He’s going to put pineapple on it. Love you, sis,” she says and blows a kiss to me at the door.

I blow a kiss in return. “Love you too.”

Once she’s gone, I quickly change, then look at myself in the mirror. Of course, she’s right about the top, and it complements my jeans perfectly. One thing is for sure I’m not going to show up looking like the little girl in overalls tonight.

Hattie Present- Age 43

It’s been a long time since I’ve let myself think about the early days of Charlie and me. There are so many regrets from then. Funny, I thought I was doing everything I could to avoid regrets, but it’s like I ran straight for them.

I don’t regret going to Charlie’s that night or the affair that we started. But I do regret not taking the chance to talk to my sister about it. She might have talked me out of going, but I like to think she’d have been there for me when everything fell apart. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have missed out on years with her, only seeing her when they came to visit me in Florida.

Maybe I’d have been closer to Wren over the years. There were so many promises I made to Elisa that I didn’t keep. I let my sister down on the biggest promise I ever made to her, and even now that everyone is happy and settled, I have a hard time forgiving myself. I only hope that wherever she is, she doesn’t hold it against me.

I look over and see that Wren’s green eyes are nearly spilling over with tears. She gives me a watery smile, which I return. I know what kind of pain she’s feeling too well. She got her mom longer than I had mine, but she didn’t get what she needed from me when we lost Elisa. That is my biggest regret in life. There was so much pain inside of me that I did what I was so good at then. I ran.

It didn’t help that Wren is the carbon copy of her mother and by extension, my mother. The unfairness of everything hit me, and then there was Charlie.

I’m ashamed to say I avoided Wren a lot and hit the road the second she could legally be on her own. We aren’t there yet though.

Before I can recount my greatest shame, I first have to relive my greatest heartbreak. As hard as it is to revisit all of this, I owe it to Wren to explain why I left her on her own to grieve and figure out how to move on.

“Hattie, quit looking at me like you’re going to apologize to me. You are not responsible for me marrying Liam. I don’t regret it anyway because I don’t think I’d be here with Griffin now if I hadn’t. I want to know what happened after you went to Charlie’s.”

Bess waggles her eyebrows. God bless her comedic timing. You can always count on her to lighten the mood when you need it most. She’s ride or die, to be sure, but she also knows when to let off some of the pressure. That doesn’t mean I’m not scared of whatever is about to come out of her mouth.

“I bet Charlie is dirty, isn’t he? There’s not a woman in Harriston over thirty who hasn’t had dirty thoughts about that man,” she says.

“Bess!” Wren shrieks. I’m not sure why she’s surprised. Honestly, after what I accidentally overheard her and Donovan talking about on one of their date nights, this seems really tame.

Of course, there’s not a woman here, except for maybe Claudia, who doesn’t have a healthy dose of kink in their life. I just never thought I’d be openly discussing mine with my niece.

“Well, I told you how Charlie laid out that he had an objectification kink. I thought he was trying to scare me away. I think he was at first, but neither of us realized how into it we both were. That wasn’t all either.”

Bess sighs. “I love it when kinks align.”

“I think you mean stars,” Wren corrects.

Bess waves her off. “I said what I said.” She props her chin on her hand and focuses on me. “You were talking about kink.”

I laugh and wonder if Charlie remembers that first night the same way I do.