Accidentally Under Your Tree (Grand Ridge Christmas #1)

12. Will

twelve

Will

Five nights before Christmas

"Can I ask you a question?" I laid on my back, grateful that it was my night on the mattress. Rose had offered to switch every other night—it was her turn on the floor nest.

The moon reflected off the snow outside the window, casting the shadow of a tree's limbs on the ceiling. It's bent twigs and branches, creating a pattern of white diamonds.

After the contest, we'd had dinner with Lizzy and their parents. I spent the entire time wondering if I was engaging a normal "I'm Dating Your Sister" amount with Lizzy, and not a "Jesus Christ I'm Tormented by the Way You Tilt Your Head When You Think" amount.

Then we'd gone downstairs to the family room to watch Prancer because, "It was the girls' favorite!" according to their mom. Rose tested putting her feet on my lap—not good. I stared at a curl resting on the nape of Lizzy's neck until Rose kicked my thigh. Her scowl clearly conveying, Stop being creepy.

Also, not good.

But the memory of those strands curling around my fingers was vivid. Just a few hours before, I'd had my hands on Lizzy. Her neck exposed. Her lips pursed. The soft fabric of her sweater draped across the full peaks of her breasts.

Resisting my attraction was impossible. My only hope was avoiding Lizzy.

But then Rose invited her to join us at their cousin's stables tomorrow before the holiday party for their mom and dad's business. Lizzy lit up with surprise and…something I could only describe as joy. A bright, beautiful burst of pink on her cheeks and a sparkle in her mahogany eyes. It’d been there every time Rose included Lizzy in a conversation or acknowledged her.

I liked to give Rose her space. She kept her cards close to her chest, even with me. Privacy was important to her, but my curiosity was too loud.

It was possible that I was too protective of Lizzy too.

"Sure," Rose answered. Her apprehensive voice came from the floor around my shoulder.

"What happened between you and Lizzy?"

"Did she tell you something?"

"Just that I should talk to you."

Rose grunted, then fell silent. The ticking of the clock hanging on the wall was the only sound. It rang out the passing of time like a hammer driving a nail.

Finally, Rose sighed. "We were supposed to go to State together. Then I dropped it on everyone that I was going to St. Lawrence instead."

I scowled at the ceiling. "That doesn't seem too bad."

"It really wasn't. But she and Lawry were really pissed—he was about to start his sophomore year, and the long-distance relationship was shitty. He was expecting me to join him at State, too."

"You were dating him at the time?"

"Yeah, sorry. I'm not telling this story well." Her voice had a suspiciously shaky quality. "Anyway, it was the end of that relationship. But…um…she felt betrayed, too. And I thought, you know, she didn't really have the right to—I didn't really do anything."

I made a grunting sound, not ready to agree or disagree.

"Anyway, hindsight is twenty, twenty, right?"

"What do you see in hindsight?"

"I did betray her." She said it bluntly, with a hollow lack of emotion. "She made her plans, expecting me to be there. I don't think she was ready to be without me, and I forced it on her. Mom said she struggled, her grades suffered. We weren't talking by the time Christmas break rolled around, but I could see she was depressed. There was this shell around her. She looked so tired. And she hardly laughed."

Something gripped my chest, thinking of Lizzy young and alone.

"We'd done the silent treatment before," Rose continued. "It'd never gone on that long, though. When I tried talking to her, she glared at me and asked if I was ready to apologize yet."

"I'm guessing you weren't."

She scoffed. "No, I was not."

"But why are you two still like this? That was so long ago."

Instead of answering, Rose whispered, "Can I tell you something truly fucking terrible?"

"You can tell me."

She breathed deeply and held it, as if she couldn't quite catch her breath. "I think I've wasted a lot of time wanting to be right. Not right , I guess. I wanted to not be wrong . I wanted it to be her fault that we weren't friends anymore. That we were barely tied together.

"She just wanted an apology. And I wouldn't do it. So, I…I was so self-righteous, and all she wanted was for me to say, sorry. I shut her out for years . She tried, and I was such a bitch —"

"Don't call yourself that," I interrupted. Rose had been wrong to let it go this long, but she wasn't an evil person. "What do you mean, 'she tried'?"

"She invited me to hangout. I'd tell her I was busy, whether I was or not. She can tell when I'm lying, just like I can tell when she is. Eventually, she stopped trying. I never even started."

Rose sniffled.

"You could still. If you wanted to," I suggested. Grief was thick in the room. It weighed down the atmosphere, pressing into my sternum. My heart ached for these two sisters experiencing so much loss when they were under the same roof.

"I do. I want to make it right. But I can see how much I have hurt her. How that pain carved her out. Years on years of this. I want to fix us, but I've done so much damage."

"Have you ever said sorry?"

"Too little too late, don't you think?"

"Maybe not."

She let out a watery laugh. "I talked so much shit. To anyone who would listen, I made it out like she was some codependent weirdo who was obsessed with me. Instead of a scared eighteen-year-old who hadn't realized that her twin sister was going to abandon her for a new life."

"That sucks."

"It does."

I didn't press her further. After a while, Rose's tightly controlled breathing turned to snoring.

Eventually, I fell asleep wondering if Lizzy was okay.