Aching for His Discretion (The Discretion Dynasty #1)

35. Teegan

Chapter thirty-five

Teegan

S itting on the couch, I lay my head on Nico’s shoulder as I did my best to calm my small sobs. He and the guys were silent as we sat in the living room, letting the time pass as we essentially waited for Levi to return.

When we’d arrived an hour ago, I took a quick and teary-eyed shower before putting on an oversized sweatshirt and shorts and putting my hair in a ponytail. Now, we were just waiting.

“I knew it from the beginning he wouldn’t be fucking good for her,” Elliot muttered angrily, and Micah shook his head.

“You know how he gets when it comes to Antonio.”

“Right... so you fuckin’ tell me if you don’t think he crossed the line,” he seethed.

Micah remained silent as I wiped my face with the back of my hand.

“I want to go home,” I whispered as I felt my apartment or even my parents’ house would be able to calm me down as I was currently having a mild panic attack, trying to process how quickly my life had turned upside down in just a matter of months.

“You can’t, Mama… not right now, at least,” Nico said as Elliot’s jaw ticked.

“Go upstairs and go to bed. You look like you’re going to pass out any minute,” he muttered.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to be alone…” I whispered as my bottom lip wobbled involuntarily, and I picked up my kitty, who had been curled up beside me since the minute I got home.

“Fuck, he’s such an idiot.” Micah shook his head.

We stayed silent for a little while longer before the door opened, and we heard footsteps. My heart began racing, and Nico shushed me softly as I felt like crying again.

I was growing to be afraid of him… not that I wasn’t already petrified. The man from earlier was terrifying. He frightened me, made me want to hide away in fear of possibly being locked away with the dark, possessive look in his eyes.

He entered the living room, and I bit my lip as Elliot and Micah stood up, grabbing their things in the process. Nico rubbed his hand over mine for a moment before he, too, stood, leaving me behind with my kitty, who did his best to comfort me.

They began conversing, and eventually, each of the guys gave me one last glance and headed for the door. I gulped softly as Levi stood silently in the middle of the floor. He had showered, changed clothes, and had a softer expression on his face.

But I knew better… I should’ve known better. Yet, when he approached me slowly and was within arm’s reach, I felt myself being drawn to him—drawn to the man who just traumatized me for the rest of my life; drawn to the man who played mind games with me… lied to me… manipulated me.

He leaned down slightly, and I let Grayson down on the floor as I gazed up at him, my face red, filled with dried tears, and my bottom lip still wobbly. Soon, he wrapped his arms around me, and I placed mine around his neck as I sobbed into his shoulder. He shushed me softly as if I shouldn’t have been as afraid as I was.

This had to be some kind of psychological warfare I was putting myself through. My brain constantly forces me to run and get away from this man. Yet, my heart felt full at our close proximity, at his gentle hands that caressed me but held me in a chokehold not even three hours ago.

“Tesoro,” he muttered, and I heaved heavily as memories of everything came crashing down on me: my brothers, Mitchel, Alec, Dr. Harrington, our trip in Greece, Mr. John. I felt like I was suffocating.

Levi had broken me. But… I couldn’t tell if it was in his intentions to do so or not. I didn’t know what to think, who to trust, or what to do. I had trusted him… I still trust him . More than everyone else… and he knew it. He still knows it.

He knows that’s why I can’t stay away. Why he can manipulate me into whatever he pleases. For some sick and twisted reason, I had already known it. I knew it from the beginning, I knew it when I began falling for him… and I knew it when I’d completely fallen in love.

It was the following day, and I called in sick as I genuinely wasn’t feeling myself. My emotional support kitty followed me everywhere, and I didn’t mind the company at all.

Sitting in the living room, I did a bit of homework and flashcards as Grayson lay in my lap. Thinking back to last night, every time I did, it made my heart race and my hands sweaty. When Grayson sensed it, he would rub his little head under my chin as if he wanted to distract me. My good boy.

When I finished my work, I sighed as I looked through my computer absentmindedly. Soon, I found myself looking at the different residency programs nearby.

It was early, I know. But after rotating in OB/GYN a month or two ago, I became obsessed. I had already talked to my advisors to schedule more rotations in OB/GYN and started looking at potential hospitals to do residency.

However, I felt conflicted. I didn’t know if I wanted to stay in New York, go back to Illinois, or go someplace different. Closing my laptop, I sighed. All three had their positives and negatives… but there was one factor that was at the top of the list with all other things considered.

Hearing the front door open, I looked over to see Levi walking in. He made eye contact with me for a moment, and I bit my lip. He was said “factor.” The man who had me in a chokehold… both literally at times and figuratively, was a crucial part of one of the most important decisions in my life.

He walked over to me slowly and stood in front of me. Slowly, he ran his hands through my hair and moved my head so I was gazing up at him.

“Hi, pretty girl…” he muttered, and even after the traumatic night I’d just had, after essentially losing my best friend and learning the worst about the man I loved, my heart fluttered.

“Hi,” I whispered as he leaned down and he placed a small kiss on my lips. He then placed his forehead against mine.

“Did you eat this morning?” he asked, and I shook my head.

“I… didn’t have much of an appetite,” I whispered, and he nodded as he grabbed my hand in his and stood me up as I carried Grayson along.

We entered the kitchen, and I sat on the stool as I watched Levi walk around. Deciding to speak about last night was going to be rather… difficult. But my kitty assured me with his head rubs as he rested in my lap that I would be okay.

“So... I don’t know if you remember, but I’m on a psychiatry rotation right now,” I began, and he nodded as he cut up some fruit. “And while I was doing some studying… I thought about you… and about last night,” I said.

He remained silent as he looked at me for a brief moment.

“I know… it’s not practical for me to say this, and I may be completely wrong… but when you are angry, Levi, when you are in the middle of… hurting someone, I think you tend to dissociate. You disconnect from the situation or your surroundings, and you don’t really understand the results of your actions. You don’t really have any regard if what you do is right or wrong, and… I think you tend to hurt the ones you love in the process,” I said, biting my lip as I felt a small tear wanting to fall as he placed the fruit in the bowl. I had a feeling that was who el Diavolo was: that dark and twisted part he was able to tap into when committing vile and horrific acts of violence.

“I ignored these thoughts after our trip… and after yesterday, I realized that…” I began.

He set the fruit in front of me and pushed a piece of hair out of my face softly.

“You what, Tesoro?”

“I think… you may need professional help.”

He took in a deep sigh before twirling a piece of my hair.

“I am the way I am for a reason, Tesoro. My line of work requires it.”

I bit my lip as my hands grew a bit clammy. “And... you pushed me in front of a dying man yesterday and forced me to save him from what you did to him.”

“He wanted to hurt you, Teegan.”

“And at the same time, you hurt me, Levi,” I admitted, and he paused for a moment, slowly retracting his hand from me in the process.

“You... you have done more to me than Alec, Mr. John, Theo—You’re the one hurting me, Levi.”

“I keep you safe,” he growled, and I felt tears forming in my eyes.

“And at what cost? You killed five men, tortured another, kidnapped Beverly, and manipulated me into thinking that it was all to keep me safe and—and that I was being paranoid at first when I put the dots together. I think...”

“You think fucking what,” he seethed, and I held my kitty closer as I gulped softly.

“I think we need a break.”

He gazed at me as if I was the one who stabbed a knife into his heart. Little did he know I felt the same as the words left my mouth. “I only just got you back, Tesoro,” he said, his voice holding a bit of desperation.

“And if you don’t get help, Levi, you’re going to lose me again. We haven’t known each other for very long, but we moved fast and fell hard,” I blurted out, and a blush came to my face as I basically admitted I fell hard for him and loved him without saying it. “And in the middle of that, I was blindsided.”

“Teegan... you can’t do this to me. You can’t fucking do this to me,” he snarled.

I shook my head. “Some time apart, Levi. That is what we need.”

“And how the fuck am I going to protect you? From your brothers? From my fucking father?”

“I... can handle Declan and Dakota.” I can’t.

“And as for your father, I will trust that you will keep me safe and do… whatever it is that you need to do,” I muttered.

He did not seem to take that well at all. However, I felt a bit of confidence, if you will. My kitty cheered me on as he purred softly.

“As much as I don’t want to, I think it’s best I go back to my apartment for the time being,” I whispered.

He ran his hands down his face. Although anger was evident, I could see another emotion: guilt… regret, maybe. But he remained silent as he turned around and walked away.

I wiped the tears that fell as a sob wanted to escape my chest. I had to push him away. We needed time because I was scared. Scared of being in love with him and scared of falling out of love with him if things were bound to get worse from here.