Aching for His Discretion (The Discretion Dynasty #1)

60. Teegan

Chapter sixty

Teegan

W aking up slowly, I felt as though my head was absolutely pounding. As I gradually sat up, I looked around the room and noticed I was lying in my and Levi’s room on the bed.

The door opened slowly, and I looked to see Katie stepping in, holding a tray of food and a glass of water. As she watched me sit up, she quickly came over and placed the food on the bedside.

“Dr. Amante, you shouldn’t get up so quickly; you need your rest,” she said sadly, and I shook my head.

“I-it’s fine, Katie. I’m fine. Where’s Levi?” I asked, and she sat beside me on the bed.

“He’s been out all morning. He left a note to let you sleep in and to bring you something to eat. Dr. Woods filled in for you at the clinic today, and Silas is taking a nap,” she informed me gently. I nodded as I reached over and took a sip of water.

Memories of last night filled my mind, and I had to physically force myself to hold in the vomit that threatened to surface out of revulsion from witnessing the death of my father-in-law.

My mind recalled my older brother, who practically lay motionless in my arms, and a feeling of panic surged in my chest.

“Declan. Where’s Declan? Is he okay?” I asked in a panic, wanting to run out of the room to find him. However, Katie stopped me and placed her hand on my shoulder.

“Your brother is in the hospital. Dr. Lombardi and Dr. Wyatt worked to stabilize him, and they took him to the emergency room for intensive care for his internal bleeding and broken bones. He’s been out of surgery only for an hour or so, and they say he’ll be waking up soon if there are no more complications,” she explained, and I let out a sigh of absolute relief as I placed my hand on my forehead, tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

“Thank God he’s alive,” I whispered as she caressed my back softly.

By the way Katie was acting, I was sure she was unaware of the gruesome events of last night. Her eyes held many questions, but thankfully, she didn’t say anything.

After a moment or so, Silas whined on the baby monitor, and she left me to rest a bit more. Eating the breakfast she gave me, I glanced over to my phone, wondering whether or not I should give Levi a call. I had no idea what he was doing or where he was, and part of me… part of me didn’t want to know.

He saved my brother, our baby, me… and he absolutely terrified me last night. I knew he would never in a million years do anything to hurt us, but seeing him yesterday in his element, at his peak, being el Diavolo, it sent shivers down my spine to think how powerful he was, how skilled, strong, murderous…

As much as I wanted him to change, as much as he did change, he could still tap into his inner self. The part of himself he wanted to hide away from me was what saved us… and regardless of it all, I was forever grateful to him.

Picking up the phone to give him a call, it went straight to voicemail. Deciding I would try him again in an hour or so, I took a quick shower and walked over to the nursery after I got dressed for the day.

Knocking on the door to the nursery softly, I watched as Katie fed Silas in the rocking chair while humming a small tune. In contrast to the murderous scene that took place last night with blood-covered blankets, diapers, and my father-in-law, who lay dead on the floor, the room was now spotless.

It smelled like baby powder and looked the same way we’d left it the night before. Even so, I still felt a bit wary in terms of whether or not I was comfortable still using the room after such terror took place inside it..

Katie looked over at me and smiled as I approached them.

“I’m going to be heading to the hospital soon. I was thinking of bringing Silas along with me,” I said softly, and Katie nodded. She slowly stood up and handed him to me.

“I’ll get his bag and stroller ready,” she responded, and I nodded as she walked over to the closet to grab some essentials.

Hearing the front door open and close downstairs, my heart raced as I listened to footsteps ascending the stairs slowly.

Eventually, Levi stood in the doorway, and I let out a deep sigh of relief as he seemed relatively okay, given our current circumstances. Slowly, I walked over to him, and tears came back to my eyes. Once I was arm’s length away, he pulled me into his embrace and placed a small kiss on my forehead and Silas’s forehead as well.

He gazed back into my eyes, almost regretful, and I quickly shook my head as I dismissed the fear and hesitation. “We’re okay,” I said softly, and he sighed, placing his head against my own.

“I could’ve lost control,” he said dejectedly, and I shook my head.

“But you didn’t. You wouldn’t. You protected us, Levi. Don’t apologize for that,” I assured him, and he placed a small kiss on my lips as Katie “awwed” softly. I giggled as I pulled away and looked over to see her finished with the packing.

Levi accompanied me to visit Declan, and I was nervous, to say the least. I was going to face my older brother—the older brother who tormented me throughout the years; the older brother who turned Dakota against me; the older brother who almost died trying to keep me safe from my psychopath of a father-in-law.

As I pushed the stroller with Levi by my side, we slowly approached his hospital room. My heart raced in anticipation as my hands slowly became more clammy, and I started feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden. Levi placed his hand on my shoulder comfortingly, and I took in a deep breath as I looked up at him.

“Can... can I talk to him alone for a minute?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Of course, Tesoro. Take all the time in the world that you need.”

I placed a small, thankful, kiss on his lips before turning and entering the room after knocking. As I entered, I was met with my older brother lying on the hospital bed, bruised, battered, and bandaged.

The TV was off as he mindlessly stared at the wall in front of him. His eyes drifted over to me for a moment, and I felt my heart break slightly as he turned his head to the other side of the room.

It was quiet. Neither of us spoke first, and the silence felt a bit uncomfortable. If it were any other day, I would have simply left to avoid this kind of situation, but because he was hurt, because he was my brother, I stayed.

“You should’ve just let me die,” he muttered, and I gulped softly as I did my best to keep my emotions regulated.

“How could I?” I whispered, and he shook his head.

“Because I deserve it,” was all he said, and I approached the bed slowly.

“No one deserves to die, Declan.”

He remained silent once again, and I stood at the foot of his bed. He didn’t turn his head to look at me. It was almost as if he couldn’t face me. Call it déjà vu, but I recalled Dakota doing much of the same when he was apologizing to me a few years back.

“Why?” he began, and I responded,

“Why what?”

“Why do you, of all people, believe that I deserve to live? The sister I tormented, berated… hurt .”

“People can make mistakes,” I whispered, and he shook his head.

“What I did to you wasn’t a mistake . I made you suffer to make myself feel better about my own fucked-up life. For the last two years, I haven’t been able to look in the mirror. Not when all that stares back is a bitter, fucked-up version of myself that does nothing but hurt the people I’m supposed to love and take care of.”

“You have to try to forgive yourself, Declan. It’s the only way—” I began and flinched slightly when he looked over to me abruptly and seethed.

“ Why does it fucking matter? What good is it going to be? How can I forgive myself when I can’t imagine in a million years that you would ever forgive me?!” he almost yelled, and my heart swelled as his eyes, which were once void of emotion as they were averted and stared off into the distance, were now red and filled with angry tears as he glared at me.

“Declan.”

“Just go. I don’t want your sympathy,” he said, looking away from me again, and I shook my head.

“I’m not here to offer you sympathy. I’m here because you’re my older brother, you almost died, and I love you.”

“Love won’t fix anything. I couldn’t even protect you from that bastard. Don’t you see how pathetic that is?”

“It’s not your fault…” I whispered, and he scoffed as tears began falling from his eyes.

“It’s not my fault? Teegan, we wouldn’t be here if I didn’t give up what he asked for. I should’ve tried harder to keep you safe.”

“You think my safety is more important than you being alive? He would have killed you,” I whispered, and he shook his head.

“He should’ve. I had no reason left to live anyway,” he muttered.

I tried to force back the sobs that ached to escape my chest. His eyes were empty, as if his soul had left them, and for the first time, I could see his eyes holding genuine regret and remorse.

Stepping closer, I took a seat on the edge of the bed as he looked away.

“I told you to go,” he said angrily, and I remained silent as I slowly placed my hand in his. Much like Dakota did, once again, he cowered away from me. It was almost as if I was the big sister at the moment, though I didn’t quite mind it.

The longer I held his hand, the more he slowly started to lose the tension in his shoulders as he cried. I remained as strong as I could, watching the older brother I once knew as an erratic man turn into a much more emotional and fragile boy.

I had no reason left to live anyway.

Rubbing the back of his calloused hand softly, I wiped away my tears. “I have someone I want you to meet,” I said softly, but he said nothing as I stood up, letting go of his hand as I walked over to the door.

Upon opening it, I was met with a concerned Levi, who seemed ready to intervene at any moment.

With teary eyes, I held a finger up to him to give us a moment and picked up Silas as he babbled softly. Walking into the room once again, I went over to the bedside and sat once again as Declan’s eyes remained trained on my baby.

“This is Silas,” I whispered with tears in my eyes. Silas babbled as he played with his fingers, and Declan sniffled softly while he spoke.

“He’s beautiful…”

“He’s your nephew,” I replied softly. Holding Silas on my arm steadily, I placed my hand in Declan’s once again.

“Despite all that’s happened, we’re still a family. Silas needs his uncle… and I need my brother, Declan. Let us be your reason to keep living.”

“You should hate me, Teegan. I don’t deserve you, Silas, your forgiveness… I don’t deserve any of it.”

My gaze on him intensified slightly as I spoke. “Did I deserve what you did to me?”

“Teegan…” he whispered, and I shook my head.

“Answer my question. Did I deserve the abuse and trauma you and Dakota put me through?”

“...No.”

“Did that ever stop you?” I asked, and he sighed.

“No.”

“Even if you don’t deserve my forgiveness or you don’t deserve to be in your nephew’s life, that doesn’t mean you can’t work to win back the broken trust.”

“How can you be so open to forgiveness? After everything I’ve put you through… it doesn’t make sense.”

“Love doesn’t quite make sense either. But love is what taught me that people can change, that those same people who’ve hurt you in the past… are still worthy of some kind of redemption ,” I responded softly, and Declan remained silent. His eyes shifted over to the door and back to my eyes.

“Is that why you stayed? Was he worthy of redemption?”

“Well, if he weren’t... we wouldn’t be in this hospital room, would we?”

Again, it was silent for a short while, and Declan slowly lifted his hand. It looked as though it pained him, and I went to speak before he placed his finger in Silas’s hand. Silas, in returned, pulled, tugged and looked ready to chew on it as well.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been more terrified of him than I was last night,” Declan muttered truthfully.

I smiled a little at his confession as he gradually opened up, admitting being a bit afraid of Levi. It was a side to him I wasn’t used to seeing at all, and though we’d only scratched the surface, I wouldn’t push too hard.

Silas kept on, finding Declan’s fingers rather interesting, though Declan let him as he continued, “As much as I despise him... he’s gained my respect for one simple reason.”

“And what’s that?” I asked.

“The way he loves you, the way he protects you against anything or anyone… even his own father, even himself . It shows his dedication, his devotion to loving you. If I couldn’t see it before, now I definitely can see why your heart aches to be with him.”

Levi

Standing outside the hospital door, I waited patiently for my Tesoro to finish talking to her brother. When she came out and took Silas inside, I was confused, but I didn’t say anything. My eyes surely said enough as I silently asked her if she was all right while I stared into her red, tearful eyes, but she gestured to give her some more time. Given that I didn’t hear any arguing through the door, I would say they were making some kind of progress in there.

My mind unconsciously drifted to the events of the night before. I didn’t recall much of it… it was almost as if I’d blacked out, the only light being my sweet Tesoro.

The one to bring me out of my darkness and despair. The one that gave me permission to finish what should’ve been done years ago. How my father managed to escape death from my hands was beyond me… but he wouldn’t escape me again.

He and I were somewhat the same: impulsive, crude, and selfish—but he could never control his demons. Which is why I suffered, why my mother suffered… why our family was essentially broken beyond repair.

And over time, he began to fear my demons . The ones that made me who I am. The ones he instilled in me. I could only imagine what made him so bold to attack the way he did. Using Declan as a pawn and terrorizing my family… maybe he was looking for a death wish.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t put up much of a fight. He was already a dead man walking as he had essentially been dead to me and the rest of the world for years after I’d supposedly killed him.

Maybe he couldn’t handle being alive. Maybe he needed closure… to end the sorry excuse of a life he was living. Bashing his head into the ground of my son’s nursery and breaking his arm as my wife trembled in the corner sure did one hell of a job of bringing it to him.

The door opened beside me, and I glanced over to see my sweet Tesoro coming over to me with Silas. In contrast to the rather optimistic gaze our child had, Teegan looked sad but relieved… letting me know it wasn’t as bad as she probably anticipated it would be.

“Any luck?” I asked, and she smiled.

“We talked... it’s a start. We all still have a bit of healing to do,” she said softly.

I rubbed her back as she placed Silas in the stroller. She turned in my hold and placed her hands on the side of my face.

Memories of last night flashed in my eyes again. I was reminded of how scared and fearful she was and how bravely she walked over to me in the midst of my darkened state of mind.

“I could’ve hurt you,” I whispered, and she shook her head.

“But you didn’t. Do you want to know why?” she asked, and I sighed.

“Tell me why, Dr. Amante,” I muttered, and she rolled her eyes at my words.

“Because you were in control. As much as I was afraid of you tapping back into the old Levi, I was relieved that you did. You saved us,” she whispered.

I wrapped my arms around her torso, and her giggles filled the empty hall as I buried my face in the crook of her neck.

I saved my wife, I saved my son, I saved my idiot of a brother-in-law… and you, Tesoro... you saved me.