Alamort

11. Priya

11 months ago

W e had just made it through the clearing, the moon illuminated the cliff’s edge. As we neared closer, she closed her eyes, breathing in deep, taking in the smell of pine trees and the earth after a rainstorm. The sparkling from the stars reflecting off of the water gave off an otherworldly feeling of peacefulness.

“Yugen.” I place my hands over my mouth to whisper like a secret.

“Hmmm?” Addi opens one of her eyes, a hint of a smile playing at the corner of her naturally pink lips.

“ It’s a Japanese word. Sometimes the world is so intense that the words we try to use to convey what we’re feeling aren’t able to be said. But you can feel it. It’s indescribable.”

She hums her agreement. “Is that your word of the day?”

“I think it has to be.” I take another moment to admire the beauty of my sister. Her eyes closed and face tilted upward to the moon. Her light blonde hair, which is lightly rustled from being kissed by the wind, is out of its usual updo. She looks to be at peace for the moment before her brows furrow, looking troubled. She reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers, staring out over the water.

“Firefly?” I roll my eyes at the nickname she gave me when I was six, pretending that it bothers me. But I love being special to her because she’s everything to me. She said I’m her light in the darkness. I give her hope. Which is ironic because she’s mine.

“Do you ever feel so twisted up about something? You know what you have to do. But you’re scared?” Her voice breaks, spoken so softly that it feels like it’s a confession. My body goes taut at the pain radiating off of her. I’m scared to ask a question that I’m not sure I want to know the answer to.

“That’s called bravery, Addi…” I shrug. She’s the bravest person I’ve ever known.

“I’d do anything for you, you know that, right?” She takes my hand and gives three squeezes for ‘I love you,’ something we’ve done since we were little. “For you to be happy. Even if the cost was myself. I know you think you have to hide things to protect me. But I’m supposed to do that for you. I’m your older sister. You’ve always held me as untouchable, invincible even.” Silent tears stream down her face at the confession. Alarm bells are going off in my brain. Every hair on my body is standing on edge.

“Addison!” She ignores me and continues to stare ahead. “Addison! Look at me!” I all but scream. She’s scaring me. There’s been nights where we’ve held each other and cried. Where she promised everything would be all right, tracing the veins in my arms until I fell asleep. This feels different. Like a goodbye.

“You can’t break up with me. We’re sisters.” My voice wavers. I search her face as a gentle smile appears. “There’s no me without you. We’re two peas in a pod. I can’t do this without you. You’ve lived without me, but I’ve never been in a world without you.” I stare harder at her to force her to feel my feelings. The ones I have a hard time saying but, hope she can see.

“I’m scared,” I whisper. “You’re scaring me.”

She pulls me into a bone-crushing hug that takes my breath away, but I return it all the same. She’s only an inch or two taller than me. Her lips kiss my hair and I breathe in her lavender and coconut scent.

“Don’t leave me here.” The whimper works its way up my throat.

She backs up and looks down at my pinky finger extended and my thumb out like a “hang loose” sign. Wrapping her pinky around mine and kisses her thumb to meet mine over the top. I repeat the gesture. We’ve done this sacred pinky promise since we were little. For as long as I can remember, she’s never broken a promise. She leans in conspiratorially. “Want to do something crazy?”

Actually, yes. Anything to get out of this depressing mood. I nod vigorously. She undresses to her bra and panties. I look around towards the pitch, black trees behind us, thinking of all the marks on my body. Contemplating if she’d be able to make them out in the moonlight, before doing the same.

She grabs my hand again. “Don’t think. Just do.”

Adrenaline pumps through my veins. Anxiousness, nervous jitters, and pure excitement are all in the pit of my stomach, building up and radiating throughout my whole body. My breathing picks up. I know what she’s thinking.

“One...”

Dizziness from the excitement begins. It has to be about a 60 foot drop. My muscles twitch in anticipation.

“Two…”

My heart is a steady drum in my ears. We take off, running toward the edge of the cliff.

That saying, “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?” And the answer is to scoff like it’s the most ludicrous thing to say.

I wouldn’t if a friend did. But I’d follow her to the ends of the earth. Bridge included.

We leap off the edge. My mind goes blank when the wind rushes past my ears. Thoughts of my sister’s words, my shitty parents, or even the fact I’ve never had a birthday aside from my sister making it everything I needed it to be, is absent. It reminds me of a rollercoaster. The free fall of my organs plummeting.

When the freezing October water, our hands are ripped apart from the impact. I let my arms drift around me, my hair floating up from my quick descent into the water. I sit still for a moment, allowing the belly of the water to hold me as I settle.

If only it could always be like this: calm, peaceful. No fear hovering over me, constantly looking over my shoulder. No disappointments and expectations. What a wonderful way to feel, just nothing.

The moon is a beacon, calling to me. I stay seated in the water until my lungs protest for air. The burning pushes me forward. I break the surface, letting out a loud whoop of victory. Then dissolving into uncontrollable laughter of the fear I didn’t realize I had. I’m met with Addi’s responding laughter as she drags me back up the rocky slope of the cliff. She takes a picture of us, pure joy and happiness. Unburdened, unlike she was moments ago.

My breathing comes out in rapid, shallow pants. My face is numb, and I’m on my knees, rocking back and forth. Telling myself to breathe as if I’m not already trying to. Addison’s face the day I dropped her off is burnt into my mind. My fast-paced breathing turns into choking sobs. I can’t think straight. The ache in my chest feels as open as it was the day it happened. A gaping wound that never healed. It hurts. It fucking hurts to think of her.

This is a sick joke. I don’t know who knows about my sister, or why they would think this is funny. My anger quickly takes over my sadness with the cruelty of someone who clearly knows no loss. I sneer at the card and shove it in the drawer of my nightstand. I’ll figure it out, and when I do… I’ll decide then. It’s better not to act in the heat of the moment. But that’s all I have. If not anger, then sadness. Maybe I’m overreacting and River went through my things. I’ll ask her and until then I’ll busy myself by unpacking my room a little more. River will be ready soon. Before I unpack, I pull out my phone and start my daily undelivered text to my sister.

Amentalio. That will be our word for the day. It’s the sadness of the realization that you’re forgetting memories of someone who’s no longer here. The days pass and I’m fighting myself to remember the sound of your laugh. Was it high pitched? A cackle like a witch? Did it always reach your eyes?

I’m scared Addi. I’m scared to forget you, your voice. Pictures and a couple videos aren’t the same as having you. I’d give anything to switch you places. I pinky promise with a kiss to seal it. On a lighter note. The Dean is probably a pervert. Mom and Dad sent me to a place filled with criminals. There are weird ass cliques here. Oh! The “Brr’s” I feel like you’d have fun with them. One is definitely a “Leticia”. I met a girl named River… you’d like her. She reminds me of you, some of the things she does.

As usual, Iloveyou and miss you. -Your Firefly

I smile at the text she’ll never get and pretend she’s busy doing something. Probably not the healthiest coping mechanism, but it works.

My hands rest on my hips, thinking of where to start first. Probably look for a hiding place for my contraband that the headmaster warned me about. I walk into the closet, looking at what I have to work with. It’s a pretty large closet for a school, not the normal cupboards I’ve seen in movies.

Gathering a few of my clothes and place them on all black hangers. The corner of the closet houses a built-in safe box. It doesn’t seem unusual for an upper-class room. I put in the universal code 0000 and it opens! The space is about the size of the ones I’ve seen in hotels before, completely bare. I wouldn’t leave anything in here. Everyone must know about the placement of it. It would be stupid to think otherwise and leave something important.

An idea pops into my head as I skip to the desk with the school handbook that’s as thick as the Bible itself. Skimming over the “Welcome!” Part of it to rip the paper out. Digging through the sleek organized drawers, I find a black permanent. Perfect for my current task and draw a terrible middle finger to secure in my little vault. I wince at the rough, rough drawing. I’m going for knowing what the drawing is, not an art exhibit.

Dashing back over to my side project, because who doesn’t get distracted while doing something else entirely? I leave the lovely drawing in the middle and set the code. A smug smirk pulls on the corner of my lips. 0713. Addison’s birthday, my little Cancer baby. Then resume my task of hanging clothes. Four white hangers. All for her clothes. She always used the white hangers and I, the black. It’s fitting to use the same color scheme as we did before. Some things just make sense.

After I’m finally finished, I plop down with a whoosh of breath, feeling accomplished. I glare at the handbook. I need to read it. Throwing my head back, I let out a loud groan mixed with an “ohmifuckinggod”. This is going to be such bullshit.

Flipping open past the ripped page. Oh! And look at that! The first line states, “We respect all student’s privacy and therefore expect each student to respect each other’s.” Right, because my things were searched before they were taken to my room.