All I See Is You

32. Save Me

Chapter thirty-two

Save Me

Hux

E very minute that ticked by felt like I was losing her. Second by second. Inch by inch. I’d seriously fucked up. The sadness in her voice, the way she seemed so closed off and just…dead inside. It’s like she’d lost all her light and warmth.

I had made her feel that way.

“I’m not going to be your punching bag, Hux. I’m already that for everyone else, it seems.”

That broke my heart. That she felt she was nothing more than that to people. That she’d come to expect that type of treatment from others. And I’d gone and proven I was just the same as everyone else.

I longed to reach out and touch her. To draw her into my arms, hold on tight and never let go. But the brokenness in her voice gave me pause. I didn’t want to push her away when everything we had was so up in the air.

“I don’t want you to be that. I fucked up. Never again, I swear.”

She blew out a shaky breath that danced across my skin. “I want you to know that I have no doubt you’d be able to ride again. I believe in you. I always have. You are brave and talented and so, so incredibly resilient and capable, and you’ll excel at anything you set your mind to. But at the end of the day Hux, that’s not enough for you, is it?”

My brows scrunched together, her words hitting me like a sledgehammer, knocking the wind from my lungs. That’s not enough for you.

She was done, wasn’t she?

I opened my mouth to respond, but no words came out. It didn’t matter though, in the end, as she continued, “Me believing in you isn’t enough. You need to believe in you. That’s the root of your anger, isn’t it?”

A lump lodged in my throat, and my lungs screamed for air that I couldn’t manage to suck down fast enough. My eyes stung. How fucking right was she? It wasn’t some secret how much I hated my circumstance. How much I hated what I’d become. It didn’t matter if I could navigate a grocery store decently without my vision or that I could ride a horse, or feed, or paint. None of that mattered, because at the end of the day, I was still the blind guy. I didn’t want anyone’s pity or them saying I was so brave because of my circumstance. I just wanted to be me.

And the prospect of riding again, getting on a bull felt like a start to bringing that old me back.

But that version of Huxson Lane was gone. Dead. He died the day of my crash.

“It ain’t that I don’t believe in myself,” I whispered. “It’s that I don’t think I’m worthy. I—I hate myself, Quinn.”

A quiet, choked sound escaped her. “Why?”

“You don’t know what it’s like goin’ from bein’ independent and capable and feelin’ on top of the world to watching it all shatter around you in a heartbeat. It’s gotten easier, but most days, at the beginning…” I swallowed. “I wanted to die. I wished I’d died. I didn’t want to live if I couldn’t do the thing I loved most. You don’t—” A deep breath in and then out as I tried to force words I’d never spoken aloud to anyone before fell from my lips. “You don’t know how often I thought about endin’ it all. Killin’ myself.”

“Hux.” She all but sobbed the word, and then I felt the soft pressure of her fingers against my cheeks, wiping away the moisture leaking down them. Her warmth seeped into me, chasing away some of the darkness tainting my soul like the sun breaking through the clouds after a nasty storm. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

I couldn’t help myself any longer. I reached out, trailing my hands up her curves before settling them on either side of her neck. I scraped my thumbs along her soft jawline. God, I wished I could see her right now, but the image of her in my mind would have to do. And it was beautiful. Sad, but no less beautiful.

As much as I hated opening up and talking about this, I needed her to hear it. I needed her to see just how broken I was. If she couldn’t deal with it, I wouldn’t blame her. Hell, most days it was hard for myself to. But before she decided to stay or leave, I wanted her to see all of me.

Her touch gave me the courage I needed. “I had it all planned out… I was still in the rehab center at the time. But in the end, I just couldn’t go through with it. I thought it made me weak, a coward. And I’d rather be a broken, pathetic mess, than have anyone ever call me a coward.” I huffed. “I’m a stubborn bastard, after all.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” she croaked out. “But why didn’t you try riding a bull until now if you missed it so much? The way you talked about the rodeo…I thought that you didn’t want anything to do with it until yesterday?” Her words were soft. As soft as her.

I continued tracing lines along the curve of her jaw. “I thought if I could convince myself I hated the rodeo, I could give it up one day. But it’s like a phantom limb. The memory of it never leaves entirely. It dulled a bit. I’d drowned it in enough painkillers and alcohol, learned to keep myself busy with ridin’ and paintin’ to keep it mostly at bay.” Blowing out a shaky breath, I continued. “Then you came in, seein’ me for me, not for the mess I am. You thought so good of me, and I wanted to be that good. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be someone deservin’ of you. Not some blind dude you needed to lead around. Bein’ a cowboy's all I know, and after last night, after feelin’ myself come alive again because of everythin’ you helped me through, I wanted to prove I was… Well, that I was worthy.”

“Hux…don’t you understand? You are worthy,” she whispered, her words breaking. Warm liquid trickled down my fingers. Damn, I’d made her cry. “You’ve always been worthy. You don’t have to ride a bull to prove that to me or anyone else.”

“What if I need to prove it to myself?” I asked, my own words choked out and thick.

She pressed both hands to my chest, followed by the softest, barest hint of a kiss right over my heart. “Then I’ll be right there, cheering you on in those stands.”

I swear, my lungs seized for a moment, making it impossible to get a breath in. If I hadn’t fallen for her completely already, I would have right then and there.

Cupping her face like she was some precious treasure I’d found, I kissed her softly. “I love you. I know it’s early and I have no right to say it, but I do. You are everythin’ to me, darlin’.”

The sound that came out of her was half sob, half gasp. The pressure on my chest disappeared, and then her hands were wrapping around my wrists. “Hux…”

I kissed her forehead, murmuring softly as I pulled her into my arms, “You don’t gotta say it back. I just needed you to know. And, if you don’t wanna be with me anymore, I get it. I understand.”

She huffed, her breath fanning against my cheeks. The familiar feel of her lips brushed against mine. “You are all I want. All I need, Hux. I’m not going anywhere.” Her tone turned a bit stern as she added, “but yell at me again in public like that and it’s over.”

Well, it wasn’t an I love you, but in a way it was so much more. Either way, I’d take it.

I snaked a hand back through her hair and kissed her. Like the world was ending. Like it was the last thing I’d ever do. I put every single piece of me into that kiss, hoping, praying that it would always be enough for her.