All My Broken Pieces (FindingLight #2)

Chapter 5

Fallon

“What is it, baby?” Arriana murmurs, brushing my hair back as she leans forward to rest her chin on my shoulder.

I nestle back into her embrace, staring down at the empty page of my document. I’ve been dabbling in writing out some of the stories that have been circling in my mind. It’s been a while since I tried this, the last time didn’t end well when my parents discovered the nature of my stories and deemed them “sinful” and “ungodly” and demanded I throw everything out.

My heart pounds harder at the memory resurfacing, only adding fuel to my seemingly endless writer's block.

Sighing heavily, I lock my tablet and curl up against Arriana. “I don’t know why I can’t seem to get what’s up here,” I tap my forehead. “Down here.” Tapping my finger on the locked screen, I blink back the tears pricking at my eyes.

This is useless. I don’t know why I ever thought I could do this.

“Hey.” Arriana pulls me from my thoughts, turning her head to place a soft kiss to my throat. “It’ll come. I have total faith in you, baby.”

I wake with a start, instinctively reaching out beside me. My heart cracks as I find I’m alone in the dark room. I can still feel Arriana’s arms around me, a fading memory from my dream.

Curling up into a ball, I wrap the blankets around my shivering body, trying to warm the chill in my bones.

I did the right thing.

The thought repeats on a loop as I drift back to sleep.

I stare blankly at my desk, fighting back a yawn as the professor drones on about sentence structure and the use of Oxford commas. Something I usually would find at least mildly fascinating, but right now I’d rather be at home curled up with my favorite stuffy.

“Comma errors are one of the most common grammatical mistakes found in any given piece. Take this sentence, for example…” I tune out the rest of her words, my mind drifting to things it shouldn’t.

Arriana and I snuggled up on the couch, Sir Ichabod held in my hands as I stroke his little furry head.

Arriana dancing to some horrendous k-pop music while I sit and watch, clapping my hands enthusiastically when she bows.

Arriana and I slow dancing at Ava’s wedding, her arms wrapped around my waist and holding me close.

Arriana hovering above me, begging me to stay.

Arriana standing in the corner of the room with a blank expression as I walked out on shaky legs, clutching my bag like a lifeline.

I blink back the tears threatening to fall.

Maybe I shouldn’t have left.

It’s not the first time the thought has come up. In the weeks since I left and moved into Ava and Killian’s spare room, my mind has whirled with constant regrets and anxieties.

My phone buzzes, pulling me from my thoughts. I glance down at the screen, biting the inside of my cheek to keep back the emotions. I haven’t been able to bring myself to change her contact name and it hurts every time it pops up.

My Love *black heart emoji* *kissing lips emoji*

Sir Ichabod misses you

With the text is a photo of the adorable little chinchilla staring off into space.

My baby.

My heart breaks at the forlorn look on his face. When I first met the little guy, I was a little shocked. But after living with him for over a year, well, he stole my heart. Almost as quickly as his Mamá did.

“What is that?” I gasp, peering down at the fluffy ball of fur chittering away in its cage.

Arriana chuckles, opening the door and gently lifting its little body up to cradle in her arms. “This is Sir Ichabod, my pride and joy.” She hums, nuzzling his head with her cheek.

A twinge pulls at my heart as I watch her affectionately speak with the little creature, something clicking inside at the sight.

I gulp, reaching a shaky hand forward. “Can I?” I whisper, my eyes locked onto Sir Ichabod’s movements. Shifting my gaze to Arriana’s, I find her looking at me with an intensity that scares me just a little bit.

This is our third date, but from the way she’s watching me…I can already imagine a lifetime with her. And that scares me, even more than the unpredictable bundle of fur held in her arms.

“Most definitely. It’s about time he met the center of his Mamá’s obsession.” She winks at me and the confusing mixture of fear and excitement grows at her easy admittance to what’s building between us.

Gulping back the emotions, I shift my attention back to the white furball. Taking a step forward, I hold my hand in front of his face as an offering. He sniffs my fingers before tilting his head and nudging my hand. A smile spreads across my face as I gently stroke his head. “Well, hello there, Sir Ichabod. It’s nice to meet you.”

I look up and find Arriana focused on me. Getting lost in her dark eyes, I can already tell I’m in trouble. Because I can feel myself starting to fall for her, and I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when I inevitably do.

I choke back the emotions that well up at the memory, quickly closing out of the text and locking my phone.

Why is she doing this to me?

Arriana has texted me several times a day. Every day. She refuses to give up and I hate it. But more than anything, I love it. Because she hasn’t given up on me , even though that’s not fair.

I left for a reason, and I shouldn’t want her to be hung up on a love that can’t continue.

A love that was doomed from the start.

My phone buzzes again, but I ignore it, moving to pack up my things as class ends. Slipping out of the classroom, I duck my head and hurry across campus to the library.

I started spending more time here again since I left, needing something to occupy the lonely hours. Plus, while Ava has been thrilled to have me as a roomie, Killian isn’t entirely the biggest fan. So I try to make myself scarce as much as possible.

All their loud sex definitely doesn’t help matters either. Not that I have any interest in getting railed by a fifty year old man, but the sounds of their passion make me miss my own sex life.

It was a really fucking good sex life too.

Guilt gnaws at me at the thought as I adjust my glasses. Throwing my bag onto one of the empty study tables, I sink into a chair with a huff. I pull out my textbook and get to work on studying for the finals coming up in a few months.

Some people might think it’s a little premature, but I pride myself in my perfect GPA and that doesn’t happen without a shit ton of studying.

Hours pass before I come up for air, stretching the sore muscles from being hunched over. My eyes drift to my phone I had set face down to avoid looking at it. Chewing my lip, I slowly reach for it, my stomach flipping as I turn the screen toward me.

Six new messages

Well shit, aren’t I popular.

I breathe a laugh, clicking on the notification.

Bestie *double pink heart emoji*

Hey babe, we’re going out so

you’ll have the place to yourself

I smile at the message from Ava, kind of wishing I had read it before I subjected myself to the uncomfortable wooden furniture.

Bestie *double pink heart emoji*

Okay, so lunch looks like it’s gonna be an all

day and night adventure *winking emoji*

Be back tomorrow, enjoy yourself.

Watch some TV but DON'T start the

new episode without me!!!

I roll my eyes and quickly type out a response.

Me

I would never! *kissy face emoji*

Enjoy your sexy time *winking emoji*

Moving to the next messages, I see several from Arriana and one that makes my stomach drop. Ignoring the ones from my ex, I hover my finger over the last message.

It’s just a text.

Blowing out a breath, I click on the message.

Mom

Hi honey. Why don’t you come

over for dinner tonight? Your

brother and sister will be here

and we’d love to see you.

Rolling my lips, I debate my options.

I could go back to the home that isn’t mine and wallow in my misery.

Or I could go to a family event and add more to my pain.

Although, this could count as one of my few obligatory visits.

Reading the text again, I make up my mind, typing out a reply.

Me

Sounds great. What time?

Her response is almost immediate. With a time set, I push back from the table and load up my bag. Turning toward the exit, I pull up the rideshare app and request a pickup. The app notifies me that my ride will be here in ten minutes, just enough time to grab a drink at the campus cafe.

Slipping my bag over my shoulders, I set off, my mind whirling with regret and nerves.

It feels like every decision I make lately isn’t the right one. That, despite how much I’m trying to do the right thing, I’m just somehow making it all worse.

My phone buzzes again and I pick it up, spotting another text from Arriana. And, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I click on it.

My Love *black heart emoji* *kissing lips emoji*

I miss you too

My Love *black heart emoji* *kissing lips emoji*

Remember this? I’m

still your psycho baby

Below the message is a photo of the mug I bought her on our one year anniversary. The words my psycho lover printed on the ceramic, a bloodied knife resting below them.

My Love *black heart emoji* *kissing lips emoji*

I love you, mi vida.

Please, please just text

me back. Just once.

Locking the phone, I blink back tears. It hurts so much every time I read her words, but I can’t bring myself to tell her off. I can’t bring myself to break off all contact and block her number.

Because, even though I left, the truth is, I love her.

And I always will.