All My Broken Pieces (FindingLight #2)

Chapter 30

Fallon

“You know you don’t have to go, right?” Hudson asks, watching me carefully as I gather my things and slip on my shoes.

Sighing heavily, I fidget with my glasses and glance around to make sure I’ve gotten everything. “It’s not that simple and you know it.” He flinches at my harsh tone, adding guilt to my already overwhelming sea of emotions. Sighing again, I give him an apologetic smile as my phone dings, indicating our parents have arrived. “Look, I’m sorry. I just have to…” I gesture behind me, backing toward the door.

He nods, returning my smile with a sad one of his own. “Yeah, I get it. Just…” I almost don’t hear his words as I exit, a part of me wishing I hadn’t. “Don’t let them change who you are, Cher.”

My heart aches as I fly out of the small apartment and climb into my parents’ car waiting outside.

“Hi, sweetheart.” My mom greets, turning in her seat to smile at me. Her grin strains as she runs her gaze over my outfit.

I fidget under her judgemental gaze, curling into myself in an attempt to hide. Tsking lightly, she shifts in her seat with a shake of her head. I glance down, trying to find what she is so disapproving of, and come up empty.

I’m wearing a floral print, mid-length, spring style dress, the neckline a halter strap that dips between my breasts but more than covers my body. I had bought the dress just for today, knowing that my parents and their church always make a big deal about Easter Sunday.

Can’t do anything right.

I chew on my bottom lip as my dad indicates he’s pulling into traffic. The drive to church is full of mindless chatter, mostly provided by my mom while my dad and I offer the obligatory “hmm”s, “wow”s, and “really?”s. Honestly, I think she just likes the sound of her own voice, but I can’t tell her that.

My eyes meet my dad’s in the rearview mirror and he offers me a small smile that I try to return, but find my lips shake too much to make it a genuine one.

We pull into the crowded parking lot full of Sunday church goers. “Oh look, it's Olivia!” My mom cries, bouncing in her seat and nearly leaping from the car as soon as it’s in park. Peeking her head back inside, she shoots me a hard look. “I’m sure that means Logan is here, maybe you should apologize for your behavior.” I gulp in response, nodding my head robotically. Her smile in return is blinding as she shuts the door and walks toward her friend, waving her arm high above her head.

“She just wants what’s best for you.” My dad says from the driver’s seat, his eyes on his wife as she excitedly greets her friends.

I swallow what I really want to say, mumbling instead, “Yeah, I know.”

He looks at me again in the rearview mirror, reaching his hand back to lightly pat my knee. “We both love you very much, Fallon. And we’re so proud of you for returning to where you belong.” Without another word, he exits the vehicle, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Tears prick at my eyes as I replay their words in my mind, feeling the weight of the pressure to be their idea of a perfect daughter . Fumbling with my bag, I discreetly pull out the flask and untwist the cap, taking a couple swigs before stashing it away once more.

Full of liquid courage, I push open my door and climb out of the car, adjusting my clothes and hair as I mentally prepare myself for another few hours of hell.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Even as I ask the question, I know the answer. With Arriana gone, I’m too dependent on my parents. Not that I’d ever ask her to pay my way, but without her, my options are severely limited. Luckily for me, Hudson wanted to keep me around, so when Arriana’s condo was evicted I was able to move her things in with me and didn’t have to return to my parents’ home. But outside of that small freedom, they have almost total control of every other aspect of my life.

So I plaster on a fake smile and pretend my soul isn’t dying with each step toward the one place I don’t want to be.

“Hey, stranger.” A deep voice sounds behind me, startling me enough I jump. I clutch my chest in an attempt to calm down my racing heartbeat.

Turning around, I find Logan standing a few feet away, his easy going smile on his face helps ease some of the anxiety still churning inside me despite the alcohol dulling most of it. “Oh, um, hi.” I mumble, my cheeks reddening as I remember our last interaction.

His grin widens as he shoves his hands in his pockets. “My mom said you started coming again, but I didn’t really believe it until I saw you here.” His gaze travels down my body and the heat that blooms in his eyes has me wishing I had covered up more.

Suddenly the dress I’m wearing feels like I’m showing too much, despite my earlier feelings.

Shifting uncomfortably under his gaze, I shrug. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, it’s important to my parents, so here I am.” It’s not a lie, just an omission of certain details.

He studies me for another moment before returning his dark eyes to mine, something in them that I hadn’t noticed on our first date. I shiver and it has nothing to do with the light breeze.

“Well, I, uh, I better go find my mom and dad.” I say lamely, excusing myself from the uncomfortable situation. As I walk away, I can still feel his eyes on me and I know deep down I made the right decision to steer clear from him.

“There you are!” My mom calls, beckoning me over as I step inside the foyer. She proceeds to spend several minutes bragging about me and my accomplishments . Which mostly consist of doing well in school and how proud she is that I’ve “found the way” again.

I stand awkwardly, being the trophy child she always wanted. Glancing up, I spot Scarlett watching from across the room, a scowl on her face.

Trust me, I wish this was you instead of me too.

That’s the thing about love with conditions, you can’t ever measure up. So when you don’t meet the arbitrary expectations set, you quickly become replaced by someone else who somehow is meeting them. No matter how ridiculous it sounds.

A part of me actually feels bad for my sister the longer I’ve been forced back into this world. I had forgotten how painful and chilly it was on the outskirts of our parents' adoration in comparison to the warm glow of their love when they’re happy with our decisions.

I try to offer Scarlett a small smile, a peace offering, but she turns on her heel and stomps away, her husband following obediently behind her. Sighing quietly, I turn back to my mom and her chatter as I count the minutes till this whole ordeal is over and I can go home once more to drown my misery away.

The announcement that service is about to start echoes in the crowded hall and we all funnel into the chapel. I slide into the pew beside my mom and dad, fidgeting with the hem of my dress as it rides up my thighs.

We aren’t seated for long as the worship band makes their way onto the stage. Song after song plays, singing the praises and worshipful love for a god I’m convinced doesn’t care. I peek out of the corner of my eye to find my mom’s hands raised high, tears streaming down her face as she tilts her head back, eyes closed.

“My soul cries for you, my soul yearns for you.” The crowd sings, belting the lyrics with their whole hearts. “Jesus, lover of my soul, in you I am made whole.”

I gulp, my chest constricting as the melody elicits a nearly violent need to get out of here. Mumbling an excuse I know won’t be heard over the speakers, I snatch up my purse and stumble out of the chapel.

“Need a break too, huh?” A familiar voice sounds to my left as the door swings closed behind me.

I glance over and find Logan leaning against the wall, jerking his head toward the closed doors. Smiling awkwardly and shrugging my shoulders, I lie, “The loud music hurts my ears sometimes.”

He looks at me intensely, his eyes darkening further as he contemplates his next words. “You know,” He murmurs, pushing off the wall and coming to stand directly in front of me. “I have some smokes if you want to come join me?” He whispers the question, a playful grin on his face that reminds me so much of how he was on our date.

I glance behind me, chewing on my lip as I debate my options. Finally, I look back at him and smile with a nod. “Okay, sure.”

Anything has to be better than spending another moment listening to close minded, hateful people singing about unconditional love when they don’t know what it even means to really love and be loved without conditions.

Following behind Logan, we sneak out of the church, laughing as we sprint across the parking lot to a secluded section tucked away in the far corner.

I don’t know what I was so worried about, he’s obviously just a good guy. Probably forced to be here just as much as I am.

I smile at him when he offers me a cigarette, placing the white stick between my lips and leaning forward as he flicks on his lighter. Inhaling a heavy drag, I immediately start to cough, waving in front of my face as I lean away.

Logan laughs, lighting up his own cigarette and drawing in a lungful of smoke and releasing it like a seasoned pro. “You really don’t smoke often, huh?” He chuckles.

I shake my head, attempting another pull with the same results. “N-no.” I cough, glaring at the tiny rolled up nicotine. “Not really my thing.” Sighing, I give up on it, offering him the cigarette and opting instead to dig my own personal vice out of my bag.

His eyebrow raises as he watches me knock back a mouthful of liquor. “Hidden flask. Aren’t you rebellious.” He snickers, holding his hand out. “Can I?”

I shrug, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and handing it over. My eyes watch his lips as he swallows down the alcohol, his throat working draws my focus. When I shift my gaze back to his, I find him watching me closely, the same heat in his eyes as I had seen earlier.

He hands over my flask and I take another quick drink before putting it away. “We probably should get back.” I mumble, regretting my decision to come out here alone with him.

After what I went through, I should have known better than to trust a man alone in the dark.

“Oh, come on.” He replies, reaching out and gripping my wrist when I turn away from him.

I glare at his hand on me. “Let me go.” I demand, tugging against his grip.

“You still owe me.” He tightens his hold, something in his tone has my pounding heartbeat speeding up.

Pulling harder, I grow desperate in my need to get away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I snap, gulping around the fear crawling up my throat.

“Yes, you do. You led me on, acting all interested and then ghosting me. After giving me a serious case of blue balls.” His earlier levity has disappeared, gone is the friendly, easy going guy I thought he was, replaced by the monster lurking beneath the surface.

He’s just like the rest of them.

Tears prick at my eyes as I continue to struggle against his hold. My attempts only serve to anger him. Twisting my wrist behind my back, he forces me to turn around, his free hand shoving up my skirt. “This could have been enjoyable for both of us.” He growls, shoving my underwear down my thighs.

I whimper, trying and failing to escape his touch. “D-don’t.” I sob, tensing at the feel of his fingers gliding over my exposed pussy.

“Fallon, what are you doin-” The question is cut off suddenly, a horrified gasp sounding instead.

Logan immediately straightens, backing away from me. “Sh-she made me. She seduced me.” He stammers, trying to save face.

I shakily reach down and pull up my underwear, my face wet with the tears that continue to fall. I can’t voice an argument, I can’t stand up for myself. Because, even though the asshole is lying, I also can’t help but feel I’m responsible. Like I should have known better.

“Get out of here, Logan.” Scarlett sighs, waving him off. He pauses for another moment, looking between us with a terrified expression before turning on his heel and rushing back to the church.

I straighten my posture, wiping away the tears with my fingers. “Thanks.” I whisper brokenly, turning to head back into the place that somehow feels even more unsafe than before, a fact I didn’t think would be possible.

“Wait.” Scarlett calls, reaching for me but dropping her arm to her side. I glance over my shoulder at her, bracing myself for whatever insult she’s about to throw my way. “Are you okay?” Her quiet question startles me.

I blink at her, wondering if I imagined it. Studying her closely, I find a concern etched into her face I never thought I’d see directed my way. After several moments, I shake my head with a sigh, “No. But it doesn’t matter anyway.”

Turning back toward my own personal hell, I cross the parking lot and enter the church once more, spending the next hour and a half pretending nothing happened. Because that’s what is expected.

Shut up. Do what they say. Be the perfect little follower.

My mom smiles at me and I try to return it, I really do. But I can’t. As I sit in the pew and listen to Pastor Ian talk about the love of Christ and the redemption of sinners, I know that I won’t be returning. I also know what that means for me, and while I’m terrified of what that means for my future, I know that today was a close call.

This time I’m not going to ignore the little voice inside, I’m going to listen. If I lose everything, at least I won’t have lost that . Not again.

“Boss man won’t be back for a while.”

The sound of a deep chuckle filters into the dark room from outside. My heartbeat speeds up at the sinister edge to the laughter.

I need to get out of here.

“You’re such a fucking idiot, Daniel.” Another voice replies.

The original voice, Daniel, scoffs, “Come on, man, I’m so bored.” He whines.

“And you’re gonna be dead if you do anything stupid. You heard Charles, no one touches her.” A little of my fear retreats at his words, the hope that I’m at least a little protected in this hellscape.

Daniel groans, a loud thump sounding. “Bullshit.”

There’s a long moment of silence before his voice reaches my ears again. “Just imagine it though. She’s gotta have such a tight pussy, man. I bet she’s never even had a cock up there, if what I heard was true.”

I whimper, curling into myself.

Please no.

The other man is quiet for a beat. “Never?” He finally responds, and the small hope I had leaves at the hunger in his voice.

“That’s what I’m telling you, man. Girl’s a box muncher, you can’t tell me it’s not a dream of yours to fuck what is basically her virgin pussy.” Daniel’s laughter echoes loudly in the dark. “I knew it, hell, you let me in there I’ll even let you have the first go.”

Fuckfuckfuck.

I whip my head around, my breaths coming in heavy pants as I try to think of a way out of this, to find some way to protect myself from what is about to happen.

The door creaks open and the light spilling in momentarily blinds me. Blinking my eyes, I press back further against the wall.

Two men walk inside, the large forms blocking most of the light and giving my eyes a little easier time adjusting. Before I can say or do anything, one of them roughly grabs my hair, yanking my head back. I whimper from the sharp pain on my scalp, jerking against his hold.

“What are you doing?” The other man snaps.

“I said you could fuck her first,” The man with his hand in my hair replies, his voice letting me know he must be Daniel. “But this mouth is mine.”

“No.” I gasp, clamping my jaw shut tight.

Daniel chuckles, his free hand undoing his belt and pushing down his pants enough to free his cock. My eyes fixate on the hard length now inches from my face. I try to pull myself free again, my stomach dropping and a wave of nausea hitting me as I find I’m unable to move so much as an inch. “You’re going to take it, beautiful.” He growls, fisting his cock and rubbing the head across my lips.

Tears stream down my face as I clench my jaw, refusing to let him push into my mouth.

The hold in my hair disappears and I’m momentarily grateful until I feel fingers grip my chin. “Open up.” I violently shake my head, but am no match for his brute strength as he forces my lips apart.

A choked sob leaves me as he shoves his dick in my open mouth. The salty taste and hard ridges sliding inside make me gag, pulling a groan from my assailant.

“Fuck.” He groans again. “Dude, this mouth is, fuck.” His hips pull back before he thrusts forward, the head of his dick bumping against the back of my throat, and I can’t stop the bile rising.

I choke, trying to swallow down the vomit to avoid suffocating on it as snot and tears stream down my face.

Daniel’s heavy breathing fills the room and something flips in me when he lets out a strangled curse. “That’s it, baby. Take my cock.”

Only one person calls me baby. And it’s not this disgusting asshole.

Before I fully register what I’m about to do, my jaw locks and my teeth sink into his flesh.

The man’s groans turn to shrieks as I bite as hard as I can, the metallic taste of blood filling my mouth. He rips away from me, howling and clutching his injured dick. “You-” He gasps around the pain. “You fucking bitch.” His fist flies forward, landing a harsh blow on my face and the world goes dark.

I gasp, shooting upright and looking around the room. Awareness slowly filters into my mind and I try to calm my breathing.

Just a dream.

No matter how many times I repeat the thought to myself, my dark surroundings send my overworking heart into an even more erratic rhythm.

The nightmares have gotten worse since what happened with Logan. Every night filled with the endless terror of my memories. Sometimes they feature Daniel, sometimes Logan, and sometimes a horrible blend of the two.

Arriana used to be able to help calm me down when the old memories would surface, her gentle touch and soft voice would chase away the demons. But I’m alone now.

Climbing out of bed, I stumble toward the door and rip it open, letting out a relieved breath as light pours into the space.

Looks like I’m not the only one up.

I trudge into the shared living space and find Hudson sprawled across the sofa, his eyes glued to the TV. “Hey.” I mumble, pivoting toward the kitchen.

He grunts in response, not giving me much mind as I pop open a beer and move to sink into the armchair beside the couch. We sit in silence, the only sound the quiet voices filtering through the speakers.

My mind can’t focus on whatever is on the screen, images of my dream haunting me instead. I tilt my head back, downing the contents of my drink and pushing up to my feet again.

Hudson shifts his eyes to me, but he doesn’t say anything as I grab another drink.

With the feel of his gaze boring into my back, I sigh heavily. “What?” My stomach churns as I debate grabbing another bottle so I don’t have to get up again.

“I think you have a problem, sis.” His quiet words feel like a stab to my heart.

I’m not stupid. I know what I’m doing isn’t healthy, but I don’t have a choice. I can’t live with this, not alone.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I grumble, snatching a couple more drinks out and returning to my seat.

Hudson quirks an eyebrow at the beer bottles. “No? You have no idea ?”

I glare at him, twisting the cap off and taking another swig of alcohol, chasing the numbing effect I know will come.

At my silence, he sighs and pushes upright. Grabbing the remote, he pauses the show and turns his body toward me. “Look, Fallon. I love you so I’m just going to say it.” Hudson’s intense gaze has me gulping in response. I avert my eyes, unable to accept the worry I see in his. “You need help. What you’re doing…it’s not healthy.”

I open my mouth to argue again, but he cuts me off.

“No, don’t deny it. I know, Fal. I know how it feels.” His voice breaks and the sound pulls at something deep inside of me. “Please, let me help you. I can’t…” He trails off, his tone laced with agony. “I can’t watch you go through this, Cher. I can’t lose you.”

Tears prick at my eyes and I shake my head. Meeting his gaze, I slowly lift the bottle and gulp down another drink of the cool liquid.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can feel my soul dying inside as I refuse to accept his help. But there’s just no helping me.

“If you want us to continue paying for your schooling, you will come with us.” My mom snaps.

I look to my dad, pleading with him wordlessly. He averts his gaze, deferring to my mom, like always. “I can’t.” I whisper, my heart breaking.

I knew this was coming, but it still hurts worse than I could have imagined.

“Your grades are slipping and you're drowning yourself in this new habit of yours.” My mom explains, as if her solution will help.

She can’t accept the fact that her “solution” is exactly what is doing this to me. I can’t separate the words from my own thoughts anymore. The weekly sermons reminding me just how screwed up I am. And after what happened…

“Mom, please. Please, I can’t keep going. It’s…” My words trail off at the sharp look she gives me.

Shaking her head, she clasps her hands in her lap. “No, Fallon. I’m sorry to have to set an ultimatum, but you’ve given me no choice. And quite frankly, it breaks my heart that I have to force you to come. Can’t you see that your life is falling apart without God’s guiding hand?”

My heart shatters at her words. Because this is it, the last piece of me is being ripped away.

“I’m going back to bed.” I mumble, pushing up to my feet and stumbling across the room.

Hudson’s heavy sigh follows me as I close my bedroom door.