Always Alchemy: The Ever After Book (Alchemy #6)

19. Mark Your Cal-endar

19

MARK YOUR CAL-ENDAR

CAL

‘ W e are gathered here today,’ I deadpan, ‘to discuss an exciting project for a cause close to my heart, one I’d like everyone here to get involved with.’

Around me, on the massive modular sofa in Alchemy’s meeting room, are gathered my management team and most of my best mates. My wife is sitting beside me, at her most elegant and sexy in a red work dress that has me wanting to drag her down the corridor to a private room as soon as we’re done here.

Never mind that it’s only ten in the morning.

Also here are Rafe and Belle, Zach, Mads and Norm, Gen and Anton, Adam and Nat and Max, Dex and Darcy. As I glance around at everyone, it occurs to me that some of these people would count their time as pretty fucking valuable. Not Anton—he does fuck all these days, as far as I can tell—but Max and Adam for sure.

And Norm, obviously .

I should probably just come out with it, then. I clear my throat.

‘I’ve taken a keen interest in the plight of the Amazon since Pip’s excellent journalism drew me in,’ I say a little self-consciously, ‘and I think we should all collaborate on a sexy Alchemy calendar that’ll raise money for conservation projects.’

My declaration is met with stunned silence. In my peripheral vision, Aida bows her head. I swear she’s hiding a smirk.

‘Well?’ I bark.

‘Just processing,’ Rafe says.

‘There’s a lot to unpack,’ Zach adds, and I shoot him a dirty look.

‘I dunno.’ Maddy sits up so straight that Norm jerks his head up to see if they’re heading out for a walk. ‘You had me at sexy calendar. Where and how do you want me?’

‘Every man’s dream sentence,’ I quip. Zach returns my dirty look tenfold.

‘Look,’ I say. ‘The way I see it, it could be a cracking project to work on together and a lot of fun.’

‘The opportunity for social media around it would be insane,’ Maddy muses.

I shoot her a grateful grin. ‘Exactly. Thank you.’

‘If you think you’re getting all our kits off and broadcasting them around fucking TikTok, you’ve got another think coming,’ Rafe interjects.

Belle’s looking worried. ‘Exactly. There’s no way I’m taking my clothes off. My tummy’s still not what it was before I had Rosalie.’

She covers what from here looks like her perfectly flat stomach with her hand and, quick as lightning, Rafe covers her hand with his .

‘That’s bullshit, sweetheart. You’re fucking perfect. But I don’t think any of us want this to be a damned peepshow. You said tasteful, right?’ He turns to me, and I nod quickly.

‘Absolutely. This isn’t about nudity—unless you want it to be. Those who want to get their kits off, feel free?—’

‘So that’s you, Mads, and my darling sister, basically,’ Gen interjects.

I smirk. ‘You know it. But I see this more about selling a dream than giving people cheap thrills. Nobody needs to be naked, but what I would like to achieve is a set of images that instantly paint a red-hot fantasy. Does that make sense?’

‘I’m game, obviously,’ Darcy says. ‘Think of the options! You could have me on a pole with Dex and Max looking on adoringly, and Mads on a cross, obviously. Rafe and Belle can go full priest-kink in the basement…’ She pauses, giving her sister a once-over. ‘You’ll have to be one of the winter months, obviously,’ she says to Gen. ‘Our resident kinky ice queen.’

‘I can work with that,’ Anton says lasciviously, sliding his arm around Gen’s shoulders. ‘But can we do it soon, before our summer tans fade?’

Max coughs something into his hand that sounds suspiciously like vain bastard before sitting up straight. ‘I’m not crazy about the cause, to be honest.’

‘Of course you’re not,’ I fire back. ‘You abuse the fuck out of the Wolff private jet. I’m surprised Greenpeace doesn’t try to egg you on your way into work.’

‘I offset,’ he says smugly. ‘I just mean… obviously, it’s important. But when I give to charity, there are more pressing causes for me.’

‘For example?’ I push.

He shrugs. ‘Cancer, kids, and women’s refuges, usually. ’

‘How disgustingly wonderful of you,’ Gen says, grinning at him.

I roll my eyes. ‘Look. Everyone has their causes. I get that. But Mother Earth is pretty fucking integral to our future. Most of us here have kids, or will have soon’—I nod at Darcy’s sweet baby bump—‘and it would be good if there was an earth for them to inherit, no? This is one fundraiser. I’m offering to do all the heavy lifting on it. Are you in or out?’

‘We’re in,’ Adam says slowly, his eyes on Nat’s face, ‘as long as you shoot it tastefully and this doesn’t become some kind of cringe-fest. I assume you’ve thought about photographers?’

‘Well, obviously,’ I lie. I have no clue about photographers, full stop. ‘I’ve got a few names on my list.’

‘I could ask Tobias Graf?’ Nat suggests. ‘He’s very big on the environment. It’s worth seeing if he’d do it for free.’

Even I’ve heard of Tobias Graf.

‘That would be incredible,’ I tell her. Our little Nat is so low-key that it’s easy to forget she’s a major player in the fashion industry these days.

‘I’m in,’ Max says, perking up at Graf’s name, ‘as long as we can choose our months and their themes. I assume we split them up six ways?’

‘You assume right.’ I open up my MacBook. ‘But you can pitch for your months. I thought April for you three, to start with.’

Dex narrows his eyes at me. ‘And why is that?’

‘What do we think of when we think of April?’ I ask the room at large. ‘Showers, of course.’

‘That’s disgusting,’ he spits. ‘Are you implying we’re into golden showers? ’

My jaw drops open just as Anton lets out a guffaw so loud it has poor Norm jumping to his feet again.

‘I don’t think Cal said anything about golden showers, mate. That was all you.’

Dex instantly goes bright red.

‘Jesus Christ,’ Belle says, drawing away from her brother, even though they’re seated the whole way across the room from each other. ‘For the love of God, do not tell me you guys are into that.’

‘Ohmygod, obviously not,’ Darcy says, looking even more morally outraged than Belle. ‘What do you take us for?’

‘Okay, okay,’ I say. ‘No one’s kink shaming anyone, got it? Dex, if you and Max like pissing all over Darcy, you do you.’ I grin at them. I swear Dex is ready to leap over the glass coffee table and take me, judging by the look on his face.

‘I think,’ Max says, leaning in towards his husband, his hand going to Dex’s thigh, ‘he was talking about the way we met. Our penchant for the normal kind of showers. Got it?’

‘Oh, right,’ Dex says, still red. ‘That makes more sense.’

‘Thank you Max.’ I incline my head graciously. ‘Indeed I was. But I still think it’s very interesting that your mind went straight to golden showers, mate. Right. Moving on. I think Aida and I should take October. Halloween and all that—it’s begging for some balaclava action.’

Everyone laughs, even Dex.

‘You definitely own the balaclava look,’ Rafe concedes.

‘No argument here,’ Zach says. ‘It’s all yours.’

‘Nice work, sweetie,’ my wife says, sliding her hand over my thigh, and I pause my note-taking to give her my very sexiest smile.

Balaclava Man is coming back .

(Well, he’s back in the privacy of our bedroom about once a month, but the others don’t need to know that.)

I cast my eye over the suggestions I plugged into my laptop last week when I’d first had the idea and was pulsing with excitement over it.

In no particular order: ‘September’s got to be a back to school vibe, surely. A sexy student-teacher thing would be fun. Any takers? Let he—or she—who has the twitchiest palm make the first bid.’

My money’s on Zach, but all eyes swivel to Nat, who can’t avoid making a choked little squeak. I pounce like a hawk would on a field mouse.

‘Of course!’ I wield my stylus at Adam. ‘Mr Antique Spanking Bench! I’d quite forgotten.’

Adam’s request back at the opening of Alchemy New York for that particular piece of kit had tickled me pink at the time, but it had totally slipped my mind. That must have been almost two years ago now?

‘Oh my Christ,’ Nat mutters as Adam smirks, clearly enjoying her discomfort.

‘You’ll make an excellent teacher,’ I decide. ‘Spanky Spanky. Mr and Mrs September you are. Now, let me see. March. I’m thinking Lent. Penance.’ I drum my palms on my keyboard to create tension. ‘And there’s only one man for the job, really, isn’t there? Who we go to to confess our sins, people?’

‘Fr Rafe!’ everyone calls out in unison. It’s Belle’s turn to cover her face with her hands as the rest of us do everything from giggle to full-on laugh, depending on how nice we are.

‘Cracking. Fr Rafe it is. Dust off that dog collar, you dodgy fuck, and you and Belle can have it off in the confessional.’

‘We don’t do that anymore,’ Belle protests weakly, and Gen barks out an amused laugh. ‘Bollocks. Rafe rented the confessional room last week. If it wasn’t you in there with him, that’s a conversation I’ll leave you to have as husband and wife.’

Rafe laughs and tugs Belle into the cradle of his body. She still looks absolutely mortified, bless her. She’s such a sweetheart, and way classier than the rest of us.

‘Now, who should play Santa?’ I wonder aloud.

‘Anton, obviously,’ says Maddy, ‘because he’s by far the oldest.’

‘Ho ho ho,’ Anton says, an obliging smile on his face.

‘You’d better not be talking about me, darling,’ Gen hisses. ‘But I can get on board with Sexy Santa.’

‘We should offer Anton up as Sexy Santa at the Christmas party,’ Maddy muses. ‘Everyone would want to sit on his knee.’

‘Over my dead body,’ Gen says.

We quickly cover off the rest of the months. I suggest doing a ‘New Year, New You’ photo with my beautiful wife, mainly so I can grease up my guns and show off my workout look, and Adam offers his gorgeous basement gym as a location. For logistical and branding purposes it makes sense to shoot the bulk of the images here at Alchemy, but Adam’s gym is Joe Wicks’ wet dream, so I jump at the offer.

He and Nat will do February as a way to plug her new lingerie collection which comes out in time for Valentine’s Day. I make a note to find a florist who’d be happy to supply buckets of red roses in exchange for some free publicity and a bit of good karma.

March and April we have covered with Fr Rafe and the dodgy shower trio. For May, Maddy suggests with almost indecent enthusiasm that she and Zach do a Slave Night reenactment with her strapped to one of the St Andrew’s crosses in The Playroom. It’s the second time she’s suggested it—I think she really wants this.

‘You’ll have leery old men wanking off to that photo,’ Zach says in outrage.

She bats her eyelashes at him. ‘I’ll have lots of men wanking off to it. Come on, babes. You know I like everyone looking at me, and I’m not exactly the centre of attention when I’m pushing a toddler around the streets.’

I smile to myself as I write their names in May’s slot. Mads is still a total knockout, but I get that she’d like a bit of glamour in her life. She and Zach certainly don’t frequent the club anywhere near as much these days. I’m sure they do all right for themselves in the privacy of their bedroom, but it can’t hurt for them to get dressed up and relive the night that I’m pretty positive was the sexual highlight of my mate’s entire life.

‘Zach and Mads for May,’ I confirm aloud as I type. ‘St. Andrew’s. Cross. You can thank me later, mate.’

‘Speaking of meaningful reenactments,’ Anton pipes up, his hand now on Gen’s thigh, ‘I have a scene I’d like to revisit with my wife on my former boardroom table. Max, I’d like to borrow your office for the day if you please. And no, you’re not invited.’

Gen closes her eyes briefly as if mortified and titillated in equal measure.

Darcy giggles.

‘With pleasure,’ Max says affably. ‘Just make sure you disinfect the whole bloody lot afterwards, okay?’

‘Gen and Anton—office fuckery,’ I note aloud. ‘We should do Independence Day for July so we can flog this thing stateside. Rafe and Belle—you can do something firework-y, no? ’

‘Fireworks in an enclosed space,’ Belle muses. ‘What could possibly go wrong?’

‘You be Taylor Swift, sweetheart,’ Rafe says. ‘I’ll be Tom Hiddleston and wear an I-heart-TS t-shirt.’

‘You’re such a swiftie,’ Belle scoffs while Maddy claps.

‘Aww, you’ve got him trained so well!’

I nominate Zach, Maddy and Norm for a Dog Days of Summer image for August. ‘Norm fucking deserves his place on the calendar. He’s far more committed to this place than most of you.’

‘As long as you two don’t shag in front of him,’ Nat says, screwing up her sweet little face.

‘Ew,’ Maddy says. ‘Obviously not.’

With every slot taken except for November, that final slot goes to Dex, Darcy and Max. ‘November is fucking miserable,’ I grumble. ‘Nothing like a ménage to perk people up when it’s dark and wet. We’ll put you on a pole, Darcy. Maybe we can find your old wings too, yeah?’

‘Oh my God, yes,’ Darcy rambles excitedly. ‘Me on the pole and then the guys looking like hot businessmen who want to ravish me.’

‘Which is exactly what we are,’ Dex points out, and there’s a snigger around the room.

‘Nice,’ I say. ‘Shouldn’t require too much by way of acting skills from you two useless fuckers.’

With all twelve months squared off, I allow myself a moment of excitement. This should be bloody brilliant. Not only will it raise good money for a great cause, but I can tell from the energy levels in the room and the undeniable frisson among us all that this will be a welcome boost for everyone’s sex lives—even for those of us who don’t need it.

Natalie shoots off emails as we sit here, pitching the idea to Tobias Graf and to Gossamer’s visual merchandising team, who are responsible for the vision not only of their store windows but of their photoshoots. I’m confident she’ll get them on board. She may be delightful, but she’s fucking steely. I’m pretty sure she gets whatever she wants in business.

‘I realise trying to find a date will be a nightmare,’ I say, ‘but as soon as we’ve heard back from Graf, let’s get one in the diary. I suggest we do it during the day at Alchemy so we have the run of the place and we’ve got time to get the private rooms turned over before the punters turn up.’

‘Why would we need the private rooms?’ Maddy wants to know.

‘Come on,’ I say, shutting my laptop. ‘You don’t for a second think you horny fuckers will be able to shoot scenes like this and not need to fuck it all out of your systems before you go off home to your kids, do you?’