Always and Only You

Chapter Sixteen

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Present Day

Finally, I know exactly where Simon is. He’s only a couple of metres away, sitting four chairs to my right. We’re at the top table, finishing our main course of a chicken thing with vegetables (the last thing I’m paying attention to is my food), but between me and the man I’m planning to marry when I wake up is my father, one of my bridesmaids and the man I actually exchanged vows with only a couple of hours ago. This dream couldn’t get any more complicated. Or bizarre.

An icy sensation travels down my spine, lifting the fine hairs on my back. It’s gone on for so long now that I’m getting worried I’ll never wake up. What if this isn’t a dream? What if I’m at the mercy of the multiverse, and somehow I’ve slipped into a parallel life, one where I have clearly lost my mind?

As the full horror of that thought sinks in, I freeze, broccoli halfway to my mouth. I drop my fork and it lands on the plate with a clatter. I stare at it for a few seconds, then begin to laugh, a sound that comes deep from my belly and causes my substitute groom to glance sharply at me. I shake my head, unable to stop laughing. No, that’s so ridiculous. Of course this is a dream. It can’t be anything else.

‘Are you okay?’ Gil asks, his brows pinching together. He does that a lot, I realize. Frown. When he’s around me, anyway. And I didn’t even know I’d noticed it enough in real life to save and record that detail so my imagination could include it here.

‘It’s just …’ I will myself to stop laughing and crease my mouth into something approximating a straight line, even if it twitches a little. ‘Just the joy of this happy day.’

Gil’s eyebrows relax, but only a little. He’s still looking at me as if I’m being really weird. Which I am, so I can’t really object to that.

Simon is looking at me with a strange intensity, as if he’s been waiting to catch my eye. It makes me shiver. Partly because it feels like an ice bucket of reality has been dumped over my head and partly because I realize I’ve missed this look. The run-up to the wedding has been crazy, stressful, and we haven’t had as much time together as either of us would like.

Communication passes between us, even though neither of us speaks or even moves. I don’t know what was said; I just know it was something. And that something is aching deep inside my chest, pulsing like a heartbeat. So when Simon stands up and leaves the top table, heading out between other tables full of chattering guests as they eat their last mouthfuls and fall into easy conversation, I follow him with my eyes. And as he nears the exit, I rise from my seat, ignoring Gil’s curious gaze, and head in the same direction.

I take a little longer to cross the room than Simon does. Friends and family members want to congratulate me, say what a lovely day it’s been, so when I reach the exit, I can’t see him. I step into the deserted bar space where the drinks reception was before the main meal and look around, but it’s empty.

I’m about to turn around and go back when Simon appears, pressing a finger to his lips. He holds a tent flap aside and for the second time that afternoon, I’m hiding out in the cloakroom, but this time with the man I’m actually supposed to marry.

We stand there staring at each other. I feel strangely breathless. ‘I’ve been waiting to get a chance to talk to you all afternoon,’ I say. My fingertips twitch as I ready myself to reach out and touch him, to end this nightmare once and for all.

The intensity of his stare deepens. ‘I know.’

My heart skips a beat. It feels like he does know. He stands out from everyone else in this dream as being more real. ‘Do you know why?’

He nods and my stomach flips. This has been an unusual dream so far – too real, too orderly, despite the alternate casting for significant roles. There have been no teleportation moments when I arrived in a new place with no explanation. My teeth haven’t fallen out. No one has started flying, and I’ve been to the loo – twice! Who does that in dreams? Also, you don’t normally know you’re dreaming when you’re in the middle of one, and you rarely meet someone else who knows it too.

He steps towards me. ‘You married the wrong man.’

‘I knew it!’ I say, lurching forward and grabbing hold of his hands. ‘But how does this work? Are you dreaming too and somehow we’re sharing the same one? Or have I wandered into one of your dreams or you into mine? And how do we stop it? How do we wake up?’

Simon looks confused.

‘From this nightmare,’ I add quietly.

He lets out a relieved laugh and pulls me into his arms.

‘I knew you’d see it eventually,’ I tell him. ‘I knew you’d work it out.’

His eyes become sad. ‘It took me too long. My life has been a misery since I let you slip through my fingers, Erin. I was stupid to break things off all those years ago, paving the way for Gil to swoop in and have you, and in the last few weeks I’ve been watching you as the day got nearer and thinking what an idiot I was. I love you. I’ve always loved you.’

My heart is singing at his words. These are the things I always want him to say, but he hardly ever does. Not because he doesn’t feel them, but because they’re buried so deep. This is the Simon who swept me off my feet when we were first together. But my brain is sorting through the sounds and syllables and realizing something is off, something doesn’t add up.

‘But wait … What do you mean, you let me slip through your fingers? We’re together. We’ve always been together.’

Simon takes my hand and presses it to his chest before covering it with his own. ‘We are now … That’s all that matters.’ He leans towards me, his eyelids closing.

No. This is all wrong.

I put my hands up, intending to push against his chest, but I’m a little late. Simon’s lips meet mine for a fraction of a second before I back away, and it’s at this exact moment that the flap of the cloakroom door moves and I hear Anjali’s voice. ‘Erin! It’s time for the speeches. Seriously, do you think you and Gil can stop sneaking off together so I have to come and find—’

I’m aware this doesn’t look good: the bride and best man found in the cloakroom, just a bit too close for it to look totally platonic. Simon and I spring apart.

Anjali’s eyes are wide. ‘ Simon? ’