Always and Only You

Chapter Sixty

CHAPTER SIXTY

Five years ago

Hey, you …

The message arrives and his heart contracts. He waits to see if it continues to be light and breezy or whether she’s going to tell him she has news. Big news. Heartbreaking news.

He’s dreading it.

He also can’t wait for it all to be over, for the decks to be cleared and then maybe he’ll have a chance.

Hey yourself he replies. It’s become their thing.

You’ll never guess what happened today!

Oh, wow. This is it. This is the moment she’s going to say Simon has finally talked to her, and he realizes that amid all his issuing of ultimatums and threats, he hasn’t fully worked out what he’s going to do next.

He shoots a casual, No, what? back to her, hoping his nerves cannot be read in those two simple words.

I got promoted! Sort of … Shelley had to go home for a family emergency, so I’m acting chief stew until she comes back. Sad for her, but it gives me the opportunity to show what I’m made of.

All the breath leaves his body in one long stream. He doesn’t know whether to be irritated or relieved. It’s been over a week since he gave Simon his ultimatum. Bugging him about it would only make him dig his heels in, so Gil hasn’t brought it up since. He should’ve known that Si would leave it until the eleventh hour.

That’s amazing! he types back .

Later, when his phone is silent and he’s lying in bed staring at the ugly, textured ceiling his landlord must’ve plastered up there in the Seventies, he tries to work out a scenario in his head where he and Erin end up together. The more he thinks about it, the less likely it seems. How had he made such a stupid mistake, not telling her who he was right from the start? It had seemed like a tiny white lie the first time. But now it’s snowballed into a fecking blizzard.

In the end, he decides to focus on the near future rather than his long-term goals. When should he tell her he’s the one who she’s been messaging all this time, not Simon?

As far as he can see it, he has two choices: he can tell her now, before Simon breaks up with her. But she’ll probably freak out, call him all the names under the sun for impersonating his best friend – as he’s starting to think she rightly should – and then she’ll probably never speak to him again.

Yeah, so maybe let’s not do that.

The other option is to wait until after Simon has told her. There’s mileage in this. Possibly. If Simon is honest and tells her he lost interest a long while ago, then at least Erin might understand why he stepped in and took over communication, especially when he breaks it down for her, bit by bit. He’s just got to get her to listen to him long enough to do that.

Yeah, maybe it’s best to let Simon and Erin’s relationship run its course. Simon will break up with Erin soon.

Of course, when it happens, she won’t answer his messages, or even pick up if he tries calling, because she’ll still think this number is Simon’s number. But maybe it’s time he got himself a new SIM card rather than having to pay Simon every month for the bill.

But what will he say when he can contact her as himself? Hi, it’s Gil. I’m really the one you’ve been talking to for the last couple of months, you know, the one you’ve been baring your soul to. Sorry I didn’t get around to telling you. Whoops!

He composes a thousand different messages in a thousand different ways and all of them make him sound like an A-grade jerk. Which he is starting to believe he might be. Accidentally.

But what’s done is done. He can’t change it now. He can only move forward and try to do the right thing from here on. What if, instead of messaging, he calls her? Hopefully, she’ll be able to hear in his voice how genuine he is, how this isn’t some cruel trick.

But then again, people always tell him how buttoned-up he is, how when the big emotions are going on inside him, he’s all calm seas and clear skies on the surface. And Erin already seems predisposed to be suspicious of him for reasons he just can’t fathom.

If only he could talk to her face to face …

He sits up in bed staring blankly into the darkness, his mind whirring.

Could he? It’s madness, but the whole situation has been pretty bizarre. Maybe this is the perfect left-field solution.

He picks up his phone and logs into his banking app. He’s been saving up for some hardware for a top spec computer he wants to build, but it should cover an air fare to the Bahamas, maybe even a couple of nights in a hostel. His heart starts to thud against his ribcage.

What will she do if he just turns up there? Will she even talk to him?

Yes. She will. Because Erin isn’t rude. Even if he’s not her favourite person, she wouldn’t blank him. And if he can get just five minutes of her time, if he can stand in front of her and let her see a tiny spark of what’s been fizzing between them over the last couple of months, it might be worth it.

He pulls up a travel app and checks out flights. Oh, wow. He’s really going to do this, isn’t he? When should he book for …?

He checks today’s date. How many days ago did he have that conversation with Simon? Counting back mentally, he settles on the twenty-fifth of January. That means it should all be over with Erin by the eighth of Feb. Of course, he can’t go dashing over there straight away. He’s going to have to be patient.

But how long does he leave before he flies over four thousand miles and tries to mend her broken heart? Or maybe even just a slightly disappointed heart, when she finds out the truth of the situation? He doesn’t want somebody else to swoop in and get there before he does.

His itchy trigger finger wants to book a flight for the next morning, but with supreme self-control, he chooses one for exactly one month after the break-up, and hopes the dust will have settled by then.

Now, all he has to do is wait.