Always and Only You

Chapter Seventy-Three

CHAPTER SEVENTY-THREE

Present Day

By the time I pack all my belongings, it’s past four. I don’t sleep. Instead I check the time of the first train out of Totnes back to Paddington. I’m going home. To Simon – where I should have been all along.

It wasn’t safe to send me here with my brain in the state it is. I’ve allowed it to blur the lines between dream and reality, and all that ever brings is pain. I knew better than to count on Gil. And I’m disappointed in Simon, too. The only person I can really trust at the moment is myself, which is why I am going to put myself on a train, even if the thought of all those crowds on the Underground when I get off at the other end terrify me, and I’m going to get myself back home to south-east London.

I contact three cab firms in the South Hams area. One is a one-man band who is already on his way to Exeter with another fare, and the other two firms, both about twenty miles away, can only get here at six and 6.30, respectively. I book the earlier one.

When it gets to 5.45, I slowly and quietly turn the key in my bedroom door. Gil didn’t pound on it or shout through it after I locked myself inside. He made a couple of polite, contained requests for me to open it and talk to him, but when I refused to answer, it went quiet. I presume he walked away.

Once the door is unlocked, I turn the handle slowly. When it opens, I’m surprised to see Gil, long legs folded up underneath him on the cold tiled floor, back against the wall. His head is lolling on his chest, but it snaps up when he hears the bottom of the door dragging over the thick carpet. In an instant, he’s on his feet, towering over me.

My heart begins to pound. But not because I’m scared. Because some small, pathetic part of me is thrilled to see him there, wants to put my palms on his chest and feel if his heart is beating this fast too. How messed up is that?

He takes in the suitcase sitting just inside the door. ‘You’re really leaving?’

‘Of course I’m leaving! I told you I was.’

I’ve never seen Gil at a complete loss for words, but he seems to be now. ‘But …’

I take advantage of his bewilderment to grab my suitcases and my handbag and roll them past him into the hallway and up to the front door.

‘E …’

‘Don’t call me that!’

He flinches as if I’ve slapped him. I don’t care if I sound shrill and angry. I am angry. Absolutely furious. With him and with myself.

‘I can explain. Let me explain. Just let me know what’s going on in your head and I can put things right.’

My back straightens. ‘What’s going on in my head is that you’ve been lying to me. For five years, Gil! Why did you do it? Have you finally got the victory over me you’ve always wanted? You took advantage of me while I was really vulnerable and made me trust you with all my soul? Well, ha ha, Gil. I fell for it. You’ve won.’

I see the shutters come down behind his eyes the way I’ve seen them come down so many times in the past, usually when I’ve said something that I haven’t been proud of later.

‘You always think the worst of me, don’t you? Why is that?’

‘I judge you by your actions, Gil. So stop doing awful things and I’ll stop thinking you’re a cockroach.’

‘If you’d let me explain, you’d understand why I did what I did. It isn’t what you’re assuming. Let’s sit down, talk properly.’ He glances towards the open door of the living room.

‘You’d better hurry, because …’ I make a show of checking my phone for the time. ‘I’ve got a cab coming in three minutes. So don’t give me any of your excuses, Gil. I don’t care. Just tell me why you thought it was okay to impersonate my boyfriend when I was grieving and lonely. Tell me how that, in any shape or form, is an okay thing to do!’

I see Gil’s jaw clench and I know he’s losing his cool. It feels like victory, which is childish.

‘You really want to know why, Erin?’

I fold my arms and smile sweetly at him. ‘Yes, Gil. I really do.’

He shakes his head. ‘I don’t think you do. I don’t think you want to listen to anything I’ve got to say. Because you want to be right about me. You want to think I’m a monster.’

I let out a short dry laugh. ‘Why would I want the last five years of my life to be a constant lie? Why wouldn’t I want to think things were better between us, that maybe we could co-exist comfortably after Simon and I are married?’

I see a flash of something in his eyes as I say the last few words and a little muscle spasms in his cheek. ‘Because it’s safer for you that way. Deep down, you’ve always known why I make you uncomfortable, why you’ve never liked being around me.’

‘And why is that, oh wise one? Tell me what I don’t understand.’

I expect Gil to launch into his argument straight away, but he stares back at me. I get the feeling he’s weighing up what to say and then gearing himself up to say it.

He takes a step closer and my silly heart goes into overdrive. ‘Because there’s always been this hum between us, this tug. I can see inside you sometimes, past all the polish to the unvarnished truth, and I know you’ve never liked it. It made you uncomfortable.’

‘Well, that’s … I don’t think …’ I trail off, unable to come up with a logical or honest retort.

‘And I think you could do the same with me, if you only chose to look. But I think you stopped yourself. I think you chose not to look, although I never understood why. I’m not afraid for you to see, Erin. I don’t need you to see me as perfect. I only need you what’s real …’

I step back. He’s right. That idea makes me nervous, and I don’t know why. We need our layers of protection, don’t we? Like that conch I found in my dream. Without its shell, that little soft, vulnerable creature wouldn’t be able to survive.

‘I can’t …’ I mutter.

‘Can’t or won’t?’ he asks, echoing what I once asked him.

‘Both,’ I whisper.

I see the frustration wash through him, but he doesn’t push. Instead, he returns to my earlier question. ‘You want to know why I messaged you while you were away, why I spent hours talking to you, being there for you when you needed someone?’

My insides are quivering like jelly. I’m not sure I do, but I don’t want to admit that, so I set my shoulders. ‘Tell me.’

Gil waits a couple of heartbeats before he answers. He closes the distance between us until I can feel his warmth radiating towards me. But he doesn’t reach out. He doesn’t touch. Those steel shutters he often puts up come down. I see it in his eyes, even though his focus doesn’t waver.

‘I did it because I fell in love with you more than five years ago, Erin.’

My mouth falls open. I don’t even try to find any words.

‘And I am still in love with you. Possibly more than ever. As much as I’ve tried to move on, find someone else … I haven’t. It was always and only you.’