Always and Only You

Chapter Eighty-Four

CHAPTER EIGHTY-FOUR

Present Day

To the estate agent’s astonishment, instead of crossing the living room and heading towards the atrium, I run in the other direction and exit through the door leading to the balcony. ‘Madam …?’ I hear him calling after me, but I’m down the stairs leading to the jetty before I can hear anything else.

I’m afraid Gil will disappear before I get to him, so I keep my eyes fixed on him, and when I reach the top of the jetty, I take a moment, make myself catch some oxygen.

He’s still looking out across the river and I start a slow walk towards him, feeling my pulse drumming harder with every step. When I get halfway, he turns, registers surprise that someone else is close, and I see the moment he realizes who it is, because, even at this distance, his eyes grow dark and seem to bore into me.

‘What are you doing here?’ he calls out as I get close enough.

‘I came …’ I’m about to say I came for the open house, but that’s not really true, is it? ‘I came to find you.’

He nods. Waits. Oh, he’s not going to make this easy for me, is he?

‘I broke up with Simon, but I expect you know that.’

He grimaces in acknowledgement. ‘Yes. And so did I … sort of.’

‘You did?’

‘He called me very soon after you moved out. It seems he was on a roll when it came to confessing things.’

My eyes widen. ‘He told you about Megan?’

Gil nods again. ‘Yes.’

‘I thought it was you who gave her the drugs, not him,’ I say. ‘I thought it was you who let her run off into the night without chasing her.’

His eyes darken even further, cloud over, and become stormy. ‘You thought I could … that I was capable of …’

‘No.’ I quickly step in and explain the misunderstanding. How when I thought he was Simon, his own denial had helped form my opinion of him.

‘So that’s why … Oh my God! All these years …’ He shakes his head. ‘I never understood why you used to look at me as if I was something you wanted to scrape off the bottom of your shoe!’

I step forward. ‘I’m so sorry, Gil. No wonder you always seemed in a bad mood when I was around, silently judging you. It was all my fault.’

‘No …’ he stuffs his hands in his pockets. ‘If anyone should take responsibility, it’s me and Simon. I begged him to tell you the truth for so long. I would have said something myself, but I didn’t think it was my place to tell you he’d moved on, but then …’

‘But then I begged you to talk to me,’ I finish for him. ‘I read back through the messages. It’s all there, as clear as day.’

He looks so relieved, but then he frowns. ‘You came all this way to tell me this?’

My pulse becomes uncomfortably loud in my ears. ‘Yes, and …’

I don’t know how to say this. It feels as if I’m walking on a tightrope, doomed to slip and fall at any second, but I also can’t back away. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t, whatever happens next.

I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘The last time I was here, you said something to me …’

He looks down and I can see he’s as uncomfortable with the memory of that conversation as I am. But then he looks back up at me, giving me space to continue.

‘You said … you said you were in love with me. Not just back then, but now.’

Gil’s eyes are steady on me. If this had been Simon, he would have blustered around, tried to play it down, but Gil simply says, ‘Yes.’

The churning in my stomach has become a ferocious whirlpool, but if he’s brave enough to answer my question so honestly, I need to dig down and find my courage, too. ‘You said I was your ‘always and only’. Am I still?’

He turns back towards the river. I can see his shutters coming down. He’s getting that look on his face, that tension in his frame that always takes hold when I’ve said something spiky or judgemental about him.

‘Because I …’

Gil stops. His eyes lock on mine.

‘Because I’d very much like to be.’ Deep breath, here goes. ‘Because I think I love you too, Gil. I fell in love with the man who was kind and generous and supportive during one of the worst times of my life, who gave me space to be myself but was always there when I needed him. I should have known that man wasn’t Simon. I should have known it was you all alon—’

I don’t get any further because he sweeps me into his arms and kisses me like he’s been starved of oxygen and I am his air supply. His hands slide between my open coat and my pullover. It’s as if he can’t believe I’m here and he’s having to run his hands over every bit of me to check if I’m real. I throw my arms around his neck, lift myself onto my tiptoes, and join him. Is this real? Is this finally, finally real?

If it is, I have to say the kissing isn’t how I imagined it at all. It is much, much better.

When we finally come up for air, he places his hands on either side of my face and laughs out loud, and then he just kisses me all over my face. I feel like I’m flying. I never believed I could be this happy.