Always on My Mind (Stanmore FC Soulmates #2)

23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

“And. . . action!” the director called.

Tessa watched as Jamie transformed into her spokesperson persona—back straight, chin up, plastered smile. They had dressed her in a generic, all white football training kit, bereft of the brands or crests she would normally have donned in actual training or warm-ups. She had a classic, black and white ball tucked under one arm as she turned to follow the camera.

“Whether I’m on the pitch or out with my teammates, only one brand makes me feel secure,” Jamie said in that sing-song advertisement voice. She held up a tiny purple tube next to her face to get it in the shot. “Luxora. The athlete’s choice in tampons.”

That explains the white shorts , Tessa thought with a smirk.

The director called cut, and they moved Jamie over to the next part of the set up studio, which had a miniature pitch and goal set up. It was similar to the ones used in training. Tessa was not surprised when Jamie took her first shot and made it seconds after the clapboard moved out of the way of the camera.

The director watched the clip a few times, and some production assistants swarmed around Jamie to touch up her makeup. She met Tessa’s gaze over one of their heads and shot her a wink. Tessa wiggled her fingers in return. When they finished, Jamie walked over to get some water, which one assistant warned she had to drink through a straw in order to preserve her lipstick. Tessa could think of a few better ways to ruin that lipstick, but pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind. She would have their Valentine’s Day celebrations that night to act on every filthy thought she could come up with.

“Alright, have a break, Jamie,” the director said, drawing Tessa back into the studio. “We’re going to put together a rough cut and see if we need more takes.”

Jamie nodded and relaxed. “Dave, have you met Tessa?”

The director shook his head and came over with his hand extended. Tessa shook it. Dave was a generically handsome man—dark hair and eyes, a strong angular jaw with some stubble across it, and a crooked smile.

“Hello, Tessa,” he said. “Dave Dixon, nice to meet you.”

“Tessa Gallagher,” she replied. “You as well.”

“How do you know Jamie?”

“We’re—”

“Good friends,” Jamie cut in. “Tessa works for the club, running the social media page for the women’s team. I invited her to come along and get some content. I hope that’s alright.”

“Certainly,” Dave said. “You’ll tag the product, won’t you?”

Tessa hardly heard a word. Her mind stopped comprehending anything past Jamie’s interjection and “good friends.” Did she think Tessa was about to say they were girlfriends to this stranger? What compelled her to interrupt so harshly? Tessa stared at Jamie for what could have been hours, willing her to divert from this conversation and explain herself.

“Tess?” Jamie said. “Will you tag Luxora in any posts?”

Tessa shook her head to clear it. “Oh. Sure. Of course.”

“Excellent,” Dave said. “I’m off to watch the rough cut. Hang tight, Jamie.”

“Sure thing,” Jamie replied with a nod. Once Dave was out of earshot, she rounded on Tessa. “Are you okay?”

“Are you ?” Tessa retorted.

“What are you on about?”

“Did you hear yourself? Jumping in before I could answer to say I’m a good friend before further reducing me to an employee.”

Jamie blinked and lowered her voice. “Tessa, you agreed that we’d only be out with my teammates.”

“Don’t spit in my face and call me gorgeous,” Tessa snapped. “I know what I agreed to.”

“Keep your voice down,” Jamie hissed.

Tessa scowled and folded her arms over her chest. “You don’t trust me, do you?”

“What?” Jamie reeled back. “How can you say that? I’m trusting you with everything.”

“Then why didn’t you let me answer Dave? And why are you reminding me of things like keeping my voice down?”

“Because I thought you were about to start shouting!” Jamie shot back. A few heads turned in their direction and her face flushed. Tessa lifted a smug eyebrow before Jamie whispered again. “I’m sorry about interrupting you with Dave. It’s an impulse I have. I feel like I have to control the narrative at all times.”

“What did you think I was going to say, Jamie?”

“I don’t know. I think that’s why I interrupted.”

Tessa sighed. “It makes me feel like on some level, you don’t trust me to keep your secret. Our secret.”

“It’s not personal, Tessa. I often feel like I can’t trust anyone.”

The balloon of anger in Tessa’s chest burst, leaving in its wake a deep and cutting hurt. She had expected Jamie to deny it. To insist she trusted Tessa because their relationship was above any others in her life. By her own admission, Tessa was lumped in with everyone else. Despite the year they were together keeping her secret. Three years apart, keeping her secret. And the months since November, keeping her secret.

A lump formed in her throat and hot tears sprang to her eyes. Jamie startled and reached for Tessa, but stopped herself. Tessa sucked in a shaky breath. If the words were a knife in her heart, Jamie’s refusal to even touch her twisted it.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie said. “I didn’t mean that. It’s only—”

“No, I don’t think you should say anything else,” Tessa stopped her. “I think you’ve done enough damage as it is.”

“Tessa—”

“Jamie, I only want to be in this with you if you’re certain. About me, about us. You said you were hopeful, but I need the trust too.”

“I do trust you!”

“I wish I could believe that right now.”

“Please, I didn’t mean it like that, let me explain—”

“No,” Tessa swallowed and shook her head. “I need some time. I’m going to go home for the day and I’ll see you later, alright?”

“Tessa!”

“Jamie!” Dave called. “We need to do another take, I want to try a different angle on the goal. Are you ready?”

“You’re needed elsewhere,” Tessa said. “Go on, then.”

She turned to go and Jamie followed. “Tessa, wait.”

Tessa didn’t stop. She made a beeline for the door and strode through it. When she didn’t hear it open again behind her, she knew Jamie hadn’t continued her pursuit.

Well , Tessa thought as she made her way to the tube station. So much for Valentine’s Day.

With the sting of Jamie’s words threatening to overwhelm her, Tessa went home and took a much needed nap. Sleep dulled the pain some. A cup of tea soothed it even more. But it lingered like a sore muscle in her chest. She kept replaying the moment over and over, and found it just as sharp every time.

Again, she wondered what hold Dexter Hupp had over his daughter that made her distrust even those closest to her. It was true that in the past, he had her agent and doctors reporting to him, but Jamie assured Tessa that was over. Lila had not revealed anything they spoke about in therapy, and her agent was shutting Dexter out too. All he’d done was send a few nasty texts and emails.

Tessa knew it would take time. She understood trauma made people reactive. But did that make her own feelings invalid? She didn’t think so. They were doing so much to protect Jamie’s heart but what about Tessa’s? Didn’t she deserve some consideration as well? The longer Jamie took, the more she hurt.

She found herself wondering if she had given in to her feelings too quickly when she agreed that Jamie coming out to—or inviting in, as she put it—the team would be enough. At the time, she thought it would be. But they were barely three months in, and she was struggling to be patient. It was hard when every time Jamie pulled back, it stung like a rejection.

She rolled over in bed and stared at the window. The curtains were drawn, so she couldn’t see outside. Not that she wanted to. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do. Reading and television didn’t appeal to her. The thought of scrolling on her phone was even less desirable. So she stared at the wall. Contemplating if she would be able to survive another breakup with Jamie.

It wasn’t what she wanted. The thought of it made bile rise up in her throat. No doubt the effects of carrying centuries of pain brought on by Jamie’s decisions in the past. It hadn’t been any easier when Tessa was the one who walked away when they broke up three years prior. Her heart was shattered. Could she go through it again?

No , she thought. I made a promise to try, and that’s what I’ll do .

There was no way it was going to be easy. But dammit, she loved Jamie. Despite the angst and old wounds, there was love there.

She sat up and reached for her tea.

“Damn, it’s gone cold,” she muttered to herself.

With a groan, she pushed herself to get out of bed. Sliding her feet into her slippers, she padded back out to the kitchen to put the kettle on once more.

She heard the lock turn and the front door swing open with its familiar squeak.

“I’m in the kitchen, Niamh,” Tessa called. “Fancy a cuppa?”

Jamie appeared from around the corner. Tessa gasped and jumped, her hand landing on her chest.

“Fuck’s sake, Jamie, can you stop scaring me in my own fucking kitchen?”

Jamie’s mouth threatened a smile, but she forced them back to neutral. “Sorry. You gave me a key, though, remember?”

“Aye, so I did, but that’s no excuse to not announce yourself,” Tessa replied.

“Sorry,” Jamie said again. “I only wanted. . . I dunno.”

She had changed into jeans and a button up blouse, but her makeup was gone. No doubt she had taken it off before training in the afternoon.

“Best tell me what you’re doing here,” Tessa said.

“I wanted to apologize for what happened at the shoot,” Jamie told her. “Tessa, I am so, so sorry I jumped in that way. You have never betrayed me, even when we were broken up. I have absolutely no reason not to trust you. I gave in to a knee-jerk reaction, and it was totally unfair to you. I promise I’ll do better going forward.”

The kettle clicked off, and Tessa poured the boiling water over the fresh tea bag waiting in her cup. She watched the steam for a moment before facing Jamie again.

“I’m sorry too,” she said. “I should be more understanding.”

“No,” Jamie said with a shake of her head. “My trauma is not an excuse for treating you poorly. If I do something that hurts your feelings, I want you to tell me.”

“You weren’t treating me poorly, it’s just. . . a result of your upbringing.”

“Exactly. A reason. Not an excuse. You have every right to hold me accountable.”

“And you, me,” Tessa said. “If I need to give you more time or more space, you let me know.”

“I don’t want that right now,” Jamie said. “Right now, I want to give you your Valentine’s Day gift.”

“We don’t have to—”

“I want to.”

Jamie reached into her tote bag and pulled out a small, rectangular gift box, wrapped in blue paper with purple and pink ribbon.

Tessa arched an eyebrow, but her smile betrayed how pleased she was. “The bisexual colors?”

“Of course,” Jamie said, grinning back.

It was a thoughtful touch, Tessa had to give her that. She pulled the ribbons loose and unwrapped the paper. The velvet box beneath told Tessa it was some kind of jewelry. After one last glance at Jamie, who watched expectantly, Tessa popped it open. Inside was a beautiful silver necklace. The pendant shaped like—

“Is this County Derry?” she gasped.

Jamie nodded. “So you can carry a bit of home with you wherever you go.”

Tears welled up in Tessa’s eyes again, but this time with gratitude. There was a star engraved where the city of Derry was located, too. It was the sweetest gift she had ever received.

“Turn it over,” Jamie said.

Tessa flipped it without question. On the back was another engraving. In a neat script, the word “eternity.”

“Oh!” Tessa gasped as it dawned on her. “Is this—the Emily Dickinson poem?”

“Yeah,” Jamie replied. “She helped me understand my feelings more than anything these past few months, and texting you that poem felt like the first step towards us being together again.”

“Jamie, this is. . . ” Tessa took a deep breath. “This is beautiful. Thank you so much.”

“Of course, Tess. I love you.”

Tessa let the words percolate through her. They hadn’t said it to each other yet this time, even if they felt it. It was nice to hear.

“I love you, too.”

Jamie’s cheeks flushed pink as she cut her gaze to the floor. Tessa strode over and claimed her mouth in a deep kiss. She didn’t have the words to convey how much it meant to her to receive such a sweet gift. She hoped the kiss would do the trick.

When they parted, Jamie’s face had gone from pink to red. She swallowed and reached for the necklace. “Can I put it on you?”

“Of course!”

Tessa gently pulled it out of the box, holding it up for a moment to let it gleam in the light, before handing it over to Jamie. Jamie stood behind Tessa and draped it around Tessa’s neck. It cooled her skin when it settled into place on her chest. She held back a shiver, which might have been from the necklace or Jamie’s touch. When she turned back around, Jamie toyed with the hem of her t-shirt.

“Tessa, I want to make you come wearing this,” she said, her eyes flicking between Tessa’s face and the necklace. “Wearing only this.”

Tessa smirked. “Did you just Titanic me?”

“Is it working?”

“Aye. Take my shirt off.”

Chuckling, Jamie tugged the shirt over Tessa’s head and backed her into the cabinets with a kiss. Arms around Jamie’s neck, Tessa held on tight while Jamie lifted her, and she wrapped her legs around Jame’s waist. Jamie held her securely all the way to the bedroom, before tossing her, giggling, onto the bed and shutting the door.