An Acquired Taste (The Valentine Society)

Chapter Twenty-Five

T he ride back to the estate is somehow even more awkward than the ride to the ball was. I take a corner seat in the back of the limo, arms wrapped around myself, gnawing at my lower lip and staring out the window. I hate how exposed I feel in my dress, and how my lips are still swollen from that blow job in the library.

Sebastian sits across from me, stock-still and silent. I can’t stop thinking about whether he’s ashamed of what we did—what I did—and whether I ruined whatever night he had planned for us with my impulsiveness. All of the other Celeste valentines were so impressive, so smart; of course Sebastian would be embarrassed to have the fake writer more interested in being on her knees.

After the silence stretches out and begins to weigh on me too heavily, I blurt, “I’m sorry.”

Sebastian turns to me, eyebrows drawing together. “For what?”

“For ruining the ball. I’m sure that wasn’t the experience you had in mind for tonight.”

He looks even more baffled. “I…” He pauses, seeming to gather his thoughts. “Amelia, I only attended this ball because I thought it would please you .”

As I suspected. It makes me feel even worse. “You did it for me,” I say, and am horrified to find tears welling in my eyes. “And I ruined it… We had to rush out the back door like a couple of guilty teenagers, and—”

In the blink of an eye, Sebastian is suddenly sitting beside me, one cold hand lifting to wipe my eyes. “Amelia,” he says softly. “You did not ruin anything. Look, it’s nearly… what time is it, anyway?”

I pull my phone out of my pocket and show him.

“Midnight already? I’m quite certain that’s a record for how long I’ve stayed at one of these awful things.”

I wipe my eyes. “Ten to midnight, technically,” I say, sniffling. “I set my clock ten minutes fast so I won’t be late all the time.”

Incredibly, he smiles at that. “Even so. A record.”

“Really? But…” I shake my head, not sure what to say.

He cups my face, his touch gentle. “I’m sorry if it wasn’t everything you wanted it to be, but I must confess, that’s the best time I’ve ever had at a Celeste ball.”

I blink at him through the blur of tears. “Really?”

“Yes. They’re positively exhausting. A bunch of intellectual peacocking and exaggerated war stories.” He studies my face. “Did you have a good night?”

“Well…” I lean into his touch, manage a watery smile. “I liked the library part…”

His lips twitch upward. “As did I.”

“Then why did you want to rush out like you were ashamed?”

“Oh. That.” He shifts so he can put an arm around me, and I lean into his touch, relishing the rare affection. “I didn’t want the gossip and the judgment. They’re a heinously critical bunch. I couldn’t stand the thought of them judging you, spreading nonsense. I don’t know what I would’ve done. But I…”

He shakes his head. “I shouldn’t care so much, I know. That’s my issue, and I should not have put it upon you as well.” He leans in and presses his lips to my forehead. “I apologize.”

I’m embarrassed at how quickly I melt at his affection. But it’s so rare for him to hold me like this, to speak plainly so I don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking. It makes me think that maybe we’re finally making progress. That he’s opening up to me.

And yet still, I am troubled. It feels like every step forward for us comes at the expense of my heart. He is only kind to me after I’ve been hurt.

And tonight has reminded me that despite the mixed signals and the neglect and everything else, I am starting to fall for Sebastian. I know he doesn’t owe me a relationship. Our contract doesn’t guarantee anything of the kind, but… I don’t think I can spend time like this with him without wanting it. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this line of work. My heart is sore from being tossed around like this. I’m not sure how much more it can handle. How much more I am willing to handle.

But for now… for now it feels good to nuzzle against him.

“What did you read to me?” I ask, yawning. “In the library?”

“That was Catullus 5 in the original Latin.”

I smile, eyes drifting shut. “The ode to Lesbia,” I say. “I like that one.”

Where is it I know that poem from? I’m too tired to remember. Too comfortable resting against Sebastian’s side. As I doze off, I feel cold lips press against my temple.

Yet when I wake up in my bed at the estate alone, I am not even surprised.

* * *

“Lord Sebastian wanted me to tell you that he’ll be away again for a few days,” Ellen tells me over breakfast. “So there’s no need to give blood.”

I purse my lips, spreading whipped butter on a flaky scone. Of course he is. He always retreats after getting close to me. And of course it’s Ellen delivering this news instead of him. I didn’t even get a note this time.

This man is infuriating. I’m finally beginning to understand him better, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Especially not when he leaves me alone with my thoughts again.

Even though it went well, what happened at the ball has me more confused than ever. This time I’m not going to sit around and wait for Sebastian to return. I need some distance to get my head on straight. And I need some outside advice before I make any important decisions.

I’m tired of doing this alone. But in a stroke of good luck, my sister is meant to move into her new apartment this weekend, so I have a good excuse to go help her get things set up. I’ll force myself to finally tell her everything while I’m there… and set up the guest bedroom. My contract is almost over, after all.

“I think I’m going to leave as well,” I say, as lightly as I can manage. “Could you arrange transportation for me to LA?”

Ellen gives me a wide-eyed look, and I falter.

“Surely I’m allowed to, yes?” I ask, suddenly uncertain. I thought maybe I could pull off a casual trip without making it a big deal. “I want to see my sister, is all. She’s moving away from our hometown for the first time.”

“Oh, I, yes. Of course. I’ll arrange it, don’t worry. I thought…” She takes a deep breath and wipes at her eyes; I’m shocked to see tears gathering there. “Oh, dear, I’m sorry. I thought you might mean that you were leaving permanently. And I thought, Lord Sebastian— all of us—” She pauses while I grapple with a surge of guilt. “Well, I’ve grown quite fond of you.”

“Aw, Ellen.” I plaster on a smile and extend a hand, which she grips and squeezes. “You’ve been such a kindness through all of this. And I—” I want to tell her I’m not leaving, but I’m not sure if it’s a lie yet. “It’s just a long overdue visit with my sister,” I say, which is not quite the truth but not a bald-faced lie either. No matter what happens, I plan to come back and say my goodbyes before officially giving my resignation. I’m not that much of a coward.

I keep telling myself that once Ellen leaves, and I pack my bag with guilt gnawing at my stomach.