Arcanum (Tales from the Tarot)

27. Greyson

Chapter twenty-seven

Greyson

I didn’t imagine seeing daylight again, so I was quite surprised to wake up, squinting against a bright light. It wasn’t the sun, though. It was the moon. A bright, clear, full moon shining down on me, washing away the darkness in my soul.

My head was killing me. I felt wrung out and hollow, brittle.

Something warm enveloped my hand. I looked down at it, trying to focus on the large hand covering mine. I followed the arm upward, past the Mapleton PD patch on his shoulder, up to Chris’s face. A wave of shame hit me, trying to drag me under into a fresh sea of despair.

“How are you feeling?” Chris asked, scooting forward to the edge of his chair, his brown eyes warm and sad at the same time. Wary. He looked hollow too.

“Tired,” I said, my voice scratchy. My throat was on fire and I shuddered to think what they’d done while I was unconscious, whether it was forcing things down or forcing things to come up. Either reality wasn’t pleasant.

Chris nodded but didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. Disappointment and confusion thickened the air around him, heavy and bitter. Instead of jumping into accusations or “It’ll get better speeches,” he slipped his free hand behind him and withdrew a white envelope, folded in half. By the time he unfolded it and held it aloft, I knew what it was.

My suicide note.

Surprisingly, the envelope was still sealed, but it was crinkled, either from being clenched or shoved in his pocket—or both.

“You didn’t read it?” I asked quietly.

“I didn’t want to. The front was enough for me. I don’t need any more than that seared into my brain.”

“But you want to know why.”

“You’re damn right I do.” His anger flared brightly before dimming, reined in when he closed his eyes and inhaled slowly through his nose. When he looked at me again, it had receded, leaving new emotions in its wake—undeniable sadness and fear. “I’m not an idiot. I know you miss your family. But I didn’t realize how much.”

“It’s not about that. I do miss them, but that’s not what this is about. Not directly, anyway.”

“Then talk to me.” He squeezed my hand, pleading with his grip as much as his gaze. “I’m right here.”

“Am I talking to Chris or an officer?”

“Does it matter?”

“I suppose not.” I exhaled and tipped my head back, staring at the ceiling. His reaction was bound to be bad either way, regardless of which mindset he was in.

“What the fuck happened, Greyson?”

I looked at him glumly, preparing for the worst. “Don showed up at Arcanum.” As soon as Chris’s eyes widened, I held up a hand to stop his outburst. “He didn’t come inside. He left a birthday card and a picture of us. He said he’d make you regret the day I moved in.”

“So you thought, what? That you’d kill yourself? That that would stop him? Instead of calling me? Or, I don’t know, 911?!” His anger flared again, masking the fear that lay underneath.

“Yes,” I replied quietly. “I went to the park, to think. And once that idea got in my head, it’s like I couldn’t shake it. I knew it wasn’t a good idea. I knew you’d be hurt. I could list a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t. But despite all of that, I didn’t see any other option. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious choice—it was almost like a compulsion. I can’t explain it. I’ve never felt anything like it before.”

He opened his mouth to reply but snapped it shut as the door opened. He ripped his hand away for good measure and stuffed the letter inside his vest as a nurse came around the teal curtain smiling and pulling on a pair of gloves. “Oh, good. You’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” I reiterated, keeping my gaze downcast and away from Chris’s hard expression.

“Do you remember how you got here?” she asked, checking the monitor next to the bed before typing something into the computer stationed there.

“No.”

“Do you remember what you took before you passed out?”

“No,” I lied. Chris knew I was lying too. A white-hot pain seared through my stomach with his anger.

The nurse turned around and looked at him. “Didn’t expect you to still be here.”

“Figured I should stick around, you know, for the report.” He shot me a glance that I didn’t acknowledge.

“A.K.A. a slow night.” She laughed and slipped her stethoscope on, listening to my breathing for a moment before nodding in conclusion to her assessment. “Well, Doc will be in to give you one more look, but you’re probably good to go home. Do you live with anyone? Or have anyone you can call to come stay with you, just to be on the safe side?”

“No, I—”

“I’ll be with him,” Chris interrupted. “We’re neighbors.”

“Ah. That’s why you’re here. Are you his ride, too?” she asked.

Chris nodded.

“Perfect. I’ll let Doc know.” She peeled the gloves off and tossed them in the trash on her way out.

As soon as she was gone, his unhappy gaze settled on me again. “You don’t get to try a second time. Not while I’m around.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I merely nodded.