Axes & O’s

4. Nathan

Chapter 4

Nathan

My sister wasn’t kidding when she said it was snowing. When I left the office for the four-hour drive to Starlight Haven, it was just about forty-five degrees and raining. But as I started my ascent into the mountains, pure-white flurries danced in the air and have only gotten heavier with every increase in altitude.

The wipers frantically cut back and forth across my sedan’s windshield. I should’ve gotten a Jeep or something better, but when I bought my car, my sister and mom hadn’t yet moved to Starlight Haven, so I didn’t foresee winter driving in the mountains in my future. It’s also an El Ni?o year in California, so everything has been wetter, meaning we’re set to get a lot of rain and snow this winter season.

Good for people who love to hit the slopes, bad for people like me who only go into the mountains to see their family. And by the way this snow is coming down, I have a feeling I’m going to be at my sister’s for more than a week like I had originally planned. Not that I mind. Now that I have no job, it’s not like I have anything to do but work out, maybe surf, drink a few beers with my friends, and of course, start looking for a new job. I have a good amount in savings to live off for now, but it’s not enough to last more than six months without an income.

I express an audible sigh. I turned twenty-eight this year, and as I think about it now, my life is a little boring, though by my own design. I’ve always been a focused person, someone who’s worked hard and achieved the goals I set out for myself. I like the routine of a nine-to-five, the predictability of it. I like waking up, going to CrossFit, heading to work, then going home to my meal prep or to the bar to meet up with my friends—and sometimes, though it’s rare these days, taking a woman home for the night.

That last thought creates a crap ton of new rabbit holes in my head. As soon as I hit my mid-twenties, my mom and sister started constantly asking about my dating life. They want to know when I’m going to settle down, get married, and have a family. But there’s this little problem I have…

Every relationship I start ends.

Not because of anything the women have done wrong. I’ve dated quite a few amazing ones, but something has always been missing. On the outside, everything would be fine and look like a healthy, thriving relationship, but inside…

I dated one woman in particular, Sasha, for a year after college. I think she thought I was her forever, and there was a part of me that wanted to give myself to her. She was smart, funny, and beautiful, and we had a lot of the same interests. We even surfed together. But as our relationship went on, I realized if I proposed to her, I’d doom her to a life with a man who loved her but would always feel like something was missing. Like something wasn’t right. And I didn’t want that for her. So we broke up, and now she’s married to a wealthy guy in Maine and has two kids. Which is exactly the life I knew she wanted and deserved.

And Sasha isn’t the only woman in my past with a similar story, which is why I eventually stopped dating for a partnership and now mostly just date for fun.

If one can even call it that, because I have a similar problem there. Even with sex, I feel as if something is missing. It’s nice, sometimes great, but it lacks. Again, it’s not anything to do with the women; I know it’s a me thing.

Since I was raised to do things with every ounce of my effort—to be the best at it or not do it at all—in the last couple of years, I’ve invested most of my time and energy into work. Which has gotten me absolutely nowhere.

Okay, maybe not nowhere.

If I hadn’t quit tonight, I probably would’ve gotten a promotion after the new year or at least a good raise. And minus not being in a long-term relationship, I live a nice life. A life my dad told me he was proud of before he died two years back from a sudden stroke. A life Mom tells me she’s proud of every time I talk to her.

I grind my teeth, wondering what Dad would say if he was still alive and I told him I quit my good-paying job because I didn’t like my manager. I already know Mom is going to be disappointed. At least Lindsey will be happy, but I’m still fighting myself over my decision. I’m the first person in our family tree to go to college and get a corporate job. And now—

“Fuck!” I slam my hands against the steering wheel, frustration and anger boiling over—at myself and the situation I’m stuck in. But the tantrum was a stupid move, because the force causes my car to swerve on the wet, icy road. I release another curse as I grip the wheel, managing to steady my car before I scold myself for being reckless. The last thing I want to do is get seriously injured or die, especially right before Christmas.

With my heart beating fast in my chest, I take a relaxing breath and focus. I consider pulling off to the side of the road to check the weather, but I have a feeling that even a few minutes’ delay will only make things worse. The snow is coming down even harder now, to the point where it’s difficult to see. The white flakes are more like sheets as the harsh wind whips against my windows.

I dare a quick glance at the phone mounted on my dash. I still have about an hour left to go until I reach my sister’s place. It’s past eleven now—my arrival was further delayed after I stopped to grab a burger and because I’m driving at a snail’s pace to avoid an accident .

“Keep it together, Nathan.” My words bounce through the cab of my car alongside the smooth tones of Frank Sinatra singing “White Christmas” over the radio. Very appropriate. And now that I think of it, this will be my first white Christmas. My family never came up to the mountains though they aren’t that far from us, always opting to stay in town and drive to the beach if the weather was warm enough. I have fond memories of Lindsey, Dad, and I making snowmen out of sand while Mom took pictures and laid out a picnic lunch.

My chest tightens with emotion. This will be our second Christmas without Dad and the first we’ll be spending together in Lindsey’s new home.

From what she’s told me, she never pictured herself in Starlight Haven. But after a bad divorce, she decided she needed a change for her and Kas. They’d taken a weekend trip to this charming lake town and fell in love with it. That was shocking by itself, since Lindsey was always a city-loving girl who dreamed of moving to Los Angeles one day. But then Mom decided to sell our childhood home and move in with her, which was even more of a surprise.

It had to have been hard for Mom to live in the little three-bedroom without Dad, so I understood. Now, the only bad part is that every time I want to see my family, I have to make this drive.

Frank Sinatra’s voice fades out, and the radio station’s host comes on. As soon as I hear something about snow, I take my hand off the wheel and quickly turn up the volume.

“A white Christmas is indeed happening for the people of Starlight Haven,” a female voice says. “Looks like the snow is going to keep coming down for the next few days. The county has issued a warning urging residents not to leave their homes, and the roads at the bottom of the mountain have been closed off. If you’re currently traveling, stay vigilant, and find a place to shelter if you can. It’s getting wild out there! ”

Fucking Kathy. Had she let me go home when everyone else left the office, I would already be safe and warm with my family, not battling a winter storm.

I lick my already chapped lips, easing my foot from the gas to go even slower. I didn’t think it was possible, but the snow is coming down heavier now. The flakes are thick and fluffy as they hit my windshield then disappear against the heat of my vehicle before being replaced by dozens more. If I wasn’t shitting myself, I’d think it was beautiful. And it is beautiful, but I’d rather be observing it from inside my sister’s cozy A-frame home with a cup of Mom’s hot chocolate in my hands.

“Carol of the Bells” comes through the speakers, and as the music builds, so does my anxiety. I’m climbing higher up the mountain now, and according to my GPS, I’m going to reach the peak soon, which means I’m on the outskirts of Starlight Haven. Unfortunately, my sister’s place is on the other side of town. While I’m glad I’m getting closer to civilization, I’m not out of the woods yet.

I huff at my choice of thought. I’m definitely in the woods, thick forest flanking the road on both sides. Right now, it looks black, but I remember the pines from my previous drives up here. I wonder if I’ve passed Starlight Lumber & Logging yet, a sign I see every time I almost get to this point. I smile, remembering that Lindsey mentioned they host The Lumberjack Games every year, which has axe throwing, speed pole climbing and other events. The idea made me laugh when she told me, and I know the only reason she’s excited to go next summer is that she hopes to meet a single guy who likes kids and can “throw her around.” I grimace. My sister tends to overshare, though it’s part of her charm.

But honestly, I want a good man for her. She deserves it after her divorce, and my niece deserves a constant male presence in her life like me and my sister had. In the past few months, I’ve wondered if I should actively try to come here more weekends, but Lindsey always assures me they’re fine, that they don’t expect me to make the drive often and that video calls are enough. It was their choice to move up here after all, but it still bothers me that I can’t be here all the time.

My decision to quit comes to the forefront of my mind once more. Maybe leaving my job has more benefits than just getting out from under Kathy’s thumb. I don’t think I want or could move here permanently since this town doesn’t have the type of firms I’d be looking to work for, but if I found a hybrid company that would allow a work-from-home option, I could visit more—and not during hellish winter storms.

I automatically tighten my grip on the wheel as another Christmas song plays, and I press my foot on the gas to accelerate up an incline. I quickly glance at the directions on my phone again, only to realize it’s died.

“Dammit.”

Panic in my stomach swells as I try to inhale. I know this road will take me to the center of Starlight Haven, but once I get there, I won’t know where I’m going, especially with the current whiteout. It’s late, so nothing will be open, meaning I’ll need to pull over and plug in my phone. I should’ve done that earlier, but I wasn’t thinking, too eager to get on the road. I also had enough juice, or at least I thought I did, to make it to my sister’s, so the charger that plugs into my adapter is in my bag on the passenger seat.

I look to the left and right and debate if this is a good spot to pull over, but then I realize I haven’t seen another soul on the road since I started my ascent into Starlight Haven. Which isn’t a good thing. It’s better to keep going until I get to town and then pull over. At least if I get stuck there, I’ll be in civilization instead of surrounded by forests.

I press the gas pedal down, picking up a tiny bit of speed. With the action comes a grinding noise, and my shoulders instantly tense. My car vibrates, and then a loud snapping followed by more grinding has me gripping my wheel on instinct .

Everything happens in slow motion. My car swerves, and then I’m spinning out, my body being thrashed around while I’m too stunned to even scream. A loud thud sounds as my car slams into something, and everything jerks to a stop in a jarring instant.

For several minutes, or maybe it’s just seconds, I sit frozen while “Jingle Bells” plays cheerfully over my speakers and my chest heaves with short breaths. My vision spots, and I close my eyes, my hands white-knuckling the wheel so tightly they hurt. When my brain finally reaches the conclusion that I’m not dead, I exhale unsteadily, loosen my grip just a bit, and drop my chin to my chest.

Holy shit.

After another minute, when I’m sure I won’t pass out from lack of oxygen or shock, I shakily unbuckle my seatbelt. I have no idea what happened, but the airbags didn’t deploy, and my car is still running, which I take as a good sign.

I press on the gas, but all I hear is more sputtering and grinding. Fuck . Now I have to get out and see what’s going on or at least try to see what caused me to spin out. Given the conditions, I’m hoping my car will still drive.

I suck in another breath, and then another, before I grab the heavy winter coat I ordered online last week from my back seat. I put it on, bracing myself for the weather I’m about to face. Even though the heat is still blasting, I think the temperature in the cab has dropped several degrees already. If I had another option, I wouldn’t get out of my car, but unfortunately, I don’t.

I zip up my jacket, turn on my emergency flashers, then push open the door with the engine still running. The freezing wind whips in, wet flakes of snow hitting my heated skin and melting. I was not made for the cold, but I try to push that thought out of my head as I shove my door open further and stand. My headlights are still shining, but the relentless weather covers the beams, so it’s still hard to see.

I walk around my car, and when I get to the back, I see the culprit. The back chains I had put on my tires snapped and are now completely useless. But what’s worse is that I’m very clearly stuck in a snowbank.

“Fuck!” I kick at some of the snow around my tires and immediately regret it as the white powder enters my shoe and begins to soak my sock. I’m still in my work clothes, and my shoes are a nice pair of loafers not meant for the snow.

I attempt to ignore the bite of cold on my ankles as I crouch and dig some of the snow away from my tires, but my hands instantly freeze. My new gloves I ordered are packed in my suitcase, which isn’t helpful right now.

When I realize digging is futile, I know I need to try to get some help. There’s no way I’m going to be able to dig myself out of this. I go to stand, but as I do, spots fill my vision, and I sway. I mutter a curse and press both hands on the cold bumper of my car, squeezing my eyes shut. When something thicker and wetter than snow drips down my forehead, I bring a hand to my skin and feel a tacky substance on my fingertips. I swipe it away and open my bleary eyes to see blood staining my fingers.

Did I hit my head when I spun out?

With my hands still on my car, I attempt to take a step toward the heated cab to find my charger and call for help before shit gets worse for me, but when I do, the world starts to spin. All the adrenaline from the accident has left my body, and now my head is throbbing.

“Come on, Nathan,” I urge myself. Get into the car. I try to blink away my blurry vision and release the bumper to take another step, which turns out to be a huge mistake. It feels as if someone has pulled a rug out from under my feet, and I fall backward. My ears ring, my eyes fall shut, and then I’m hitting something soft and pillowy. But it’s not a bed, because the pillows are cool like satin but cold and wet like ice. Water droplets hit my face, and I don’t know if it’s snow or maybe the blood I felt trickling from the wound in my head .

It feels harder than it should, but I manage to pry my eyes open to watch the endless white fluttering down from the dark skies. I’m not sure how long I do that, but as my vision blurs again, my mind drifts to everything and nothing at all. I think of my mom and sister, of my niece, of my dumb job, of my failed relationships, of surfing on my favorite beach, of tacos in the summertime with Lindsey, and of course, Dad. I guess it’s true—your life really does flash before your eyes when you’re about to die.

Is that what’s happening right now?

A tear—or at least, I think it’s a tear—streaks down my face, and my eyes fall shut, heavy with sleep. My heartbeat slows, and I hear a voice in the back of my head telling me to stay awake. I know I should try for that voice, but I’m so tired, and this bed is so cold. No…not bed. Snowbank. I’m in a snowbank.

More time passes, and my body is numb, yet everything hurts to the point I can’t move. My lungs feel frozen, my toes are cold, and my head is aching, but I’m still alive. In the distance, I think I hear a noise. A twig breaking or trees rustling. A spark lights in my chest that maybe help is coming, but then I remember I crashed in a place surrounded by trees. It’s probably just an animal. Maybe I’ll get eaten by a bear. Ouch . Though maybe that’s better than slowly freezing to death like I am right now. If that is what’s happening. Is it?

I chuckle to myself, my thoughts fuzzy and body heavy. In my mind’s eye, I imagine myself on a beach somewhere hearing the sound of the waves crashing and kids laughing. There’s a warm touch on my cheek that lights my body up as if it’s on fire. I think it’s sunshine, or at least, that’s what it feels like. Warm, beautiful, euphoric sunshine.

“What are you doing out here?”

I turn to my sister, who’s on the beach with me now. “I’m surfing. ”

Lindsey’s hands grasp my shoulders and gently shake me. “Stay with me,” she says. But it’s not her voice that comes out. It’s a huskier one, a commanding one.

“I am staying,” I say.

“That’s good to hear,” a male voice says. Is that my dad?

I don’t have time to wonder, though, because the beach begins to fade, and my body goes cold again. For a brief moment, the warm sunshine returns to my cheek, and I force my heavy eyes open. When I do, I’m not met with sunshine but the round face of an angel. She looks sad—or at least, I think she does.

“I’m here to help you,” she says.

“To die?” My words come out scratchy and soft, but she’s heard them.

“Not if we have anything to say about it.”

We. Who’s we?

That’s the last thought I have before everything goes dark, my body falling into cold oblivion as the void welcomes me with open arms.