Be a Good Girl

8. Alice

8

ALICE

It’s almost the end of possibly the most anxiety-ridden workday I’ve ever had when I pick up my phone and call my therapist, Michelle. She answers on the second ring.

“Alice, how are you?”

“Not good,” I reply, pacing my office. “I need to see you.”

There’s a slight pause before she answers. My guess is I’ve put her in a tricky situation, but she’s going to make time for me. “Okay. When can you be here?”

“Twenty-minutes?”

“Great! See you then!”

I hang up and finish my fifth bottle of water of the day, then storm out of the office, brushing by Joan on the way out.

“I’m leaving. Cancel anything I’ve got for the rest of the day. I’ll be unavailable for an hour or so. If another emergency crops up, you know how to reach me.”

“Okay. Is everything all right?” Joan looks so concerned. “Does this have to do with what happened with Charlie yesterday?”

I try not to sigh too deeply in front of her. I’d completely forgotten about the entire incident with Charlie after my incredible night with Damien. The pure bliss we shared together wiped away any lingering discomfort caused by my ex-employee.

“Oh, no.” I smile. “Nothing to do with that.”

“And you swear you’re okay?” Joan asks. “I don’t even want to think about what could have happened if Damien hadn’t shown up–”

“I’m fine, Joan.” I’m actually dying to get out of the office and over to Michelle’s, but I don’t want to be rude. “I just really have to run. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.” She smiles. “Take care!”

I’m a whirlpool of emotions as I leave the building and go down to my car. So much has changed in the last day.

The major thing being I’m no longer a virgin.

Damien claimed me.

And even as I slide into the backseat and my driver closes the door for me and we begin to maneuver through the city, it’s like I can feel an invisible string connecting me to Damien that wasn’t there before. I have no idea where he actually is, but it’s like I can still feel him.

Crazy, I know.

Somehow, I arrive at Michelle’s a couple of minutes early and head straight up to her office.

I started to see Michelle a couple of years ago when I first started having doubts about the direction my life was going. In fact, it was for all the very same reasons Damien brought up last night while he was inside me: not feeling personally fulfilled, lacking a relationship, a family, children.

I stopped going to see her on a regular basis a few months ago when this Hong Kong deal started taking up most of my time, but after what happened last night with Damien, seeing her is a must.

“Hello, Alice!” Michelle’s assistant, Sydney, greets me as I enter the office. “Michelle is ready for you.”

“Thank you.”

Heart beating rapidly, I head for the door and open it, nearly bumping into Michelle, who was apparently just on her way to step out to greet me.

“Oh!” She laughs, placing a startled hand over her chest. “I was just coming out. Come on in, Alice.”

Michelle is wonderful. A perfect combination of sweet and professional, while also managing to feel like a friend without crossing any boundaries. I go over and sit on the couch as she takes her usual chair in front of me.

“So,” she says. “It sounded on the phone like you really had something on your mind.”

Suddenly, I’m hit with an overload of emotions all at once. It’s the first time today I’ve had a moment to simply sit down without anything to do, no one to boss around, and nothing work-related to think about.

Here, it’s all about me.

“Yes. Yes, I do.” I nod. But that’s all I can do.

Michelle nods back and waits, then asks, “And I can assume this has nothing to do with work?”

“Nothing to do with work.” I shake my head. “Well, maybe tangentially.”

“Go on.”

I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. “As we’ve discussed, I’ve never had much of a dating life.”

“Yes, you said you never felt ‘that spark you’re supposed to feel’ from anyone.”

“That’s right.” Instantly I’m taken back to the first moment Damien stepped into my life. That’s when everything changed. “Well, I’ve finally met someone. His name is Damien.”

“Alice, that’s wonderful!” Michelle looks genuinely happy, and that’s one of the reasons I love coming to see her.

“It is, yes.”

“But there’s a problem?”

“Well, without getting too explicit”—I feel myself blushing—“Damien’s and my relationship is very …physical. I don’t think I ever told you this, but I was…a virgin until I met him.”

Most people would react obviously to me revealing this to them here, but Michelle is very careful not to.

“And are you regretting that decision?” she asks. “Is that why you are here? Sometimes women regret who they choose as their first intimate partner and feel–”

“Oh, no, no, no!” I blurt out, reaching for my water. I guzzle a quarter of it while shaking my head. “I am so happy I chose Damien, Michelle. In fact, I feel like a whole new woman today. I feel incredible!”

Michelle looks back at me, her expression soft, but I can see she’s confused as to what I’m doing here based on what I’ve said so far. I don’t blame her. I would be too if I were her.

“Again, without being too explicit, Damien has done something incredible. He’s flipped the power dynamics in my life.” I don’t know why, but I’m so emotional. In fact, I’m fighting back tears as I speak. “He takes control of me in…so many ways…and I let him. For the first time in years, it’s like I’m no longer the one making all the decisions. I’m no longer the boss. He is.”

Michelle nods. Does she understand? How could she? “That must feel very new to you.”

“Yes, but it’s–it’s wonderful!”

“Yet there’s something worrying you?” she asks, reading me perfectly. “And that’s why you’re here?”

I sigh and bury my face in my palms. I almost wish Damien were here. He would know what to say. He would know how to fix this for me.

But this is not his problem to fix; it’s mine.

“This huge Hong Kong deal,” I say. “If it goes through–and it looks like it will–will mean I will be traveling constantly for at least a year. I may even end up living there temporarily.”

“Which would put a strain on this new relationship of yours.”

Michelle smiles kindly at me, and I feel a temporary sense of relief. She does understand.

Some of the panic begins to leave me, but it is instantly replaced by more emotion. My jaw quivers, and I feel the urge to cry swell up within me again, but I push it aside by taking another drink.

“I don’t know what’s happened to me, Michelle,” I admit. “I worked my entire life for this company. This deal could make me Forbes’ Top Businesswoman in the country, and yet all I want now is stay at home for Damien and do what he tells me to do.”

“Alice–”

“No more meetings, no more conference calls,” I say emphatically. “Just me spending my life doing everything I can to please Damien. Is there something wrong with that? Should I not feel this way? Because I don’t know what to do!”

For the first time since we met, I see Michelle take a serious pause to think. She looks up ever so slightly before she responds. “Alice, I have to admit I am a little shocked to hear this from you.”

“I don’t blame you.” I nearly laugh.

“You’ve always said how much success and your career meant to you,” she continues. “Do you really want to throw it all away now? Because as your therapist, it’s my job to remind you that when a new relationship begins, it can be overwhelming. Our primal instincts and emotions can overpower us, and we can end up making decisions that we might look back on and wonder why we made them.”

I know she’s just doing her job, but I can’t help but feel insulted.

It’s as if I’m a teenager and she’s my mother, scolding me for acting in ways she doesn’t approve of with my new boyfriend.

I’m feeling overprotective of Damien. If she could only see him. If she could experience what I have with him, then she would understand!

“I told him to get me pregnant.” The words escape my lips like a beautiful whisper that takes me back to that blissful moment Damien and I shared, me wrapped in his arms as he filled me with his seed, both of us soaring high in our climactic moments, coupling together in an experience I’d never felt before.

“Alice,” Michelle slowly replies. “I have to confess–I’m not sure I am going to be able to give you advice on what to do here, to be honest.”

“Michelle, you have to tell me something!”

Michelle leans forward and places a calming hand on my knee. “These are questions only you will be able to answer. You say this man makes you feel wonderful, and I’m so happy for you. But I can’t tell you whether you should leave the company you built to be with him, or whether you should leave him and continue to prioritize your career. This is a decision you will have to make on your own.”

I’m unable to hold out any longer. The tears spill from my eyes as I begin to sob.

“I know,” I sniffle. “You’re right. It was stupid of me to come here today.”

“It wasn’t.” Michelle smiles. “We all have to talk things out in our lives, Alice. Don’t feel stupid for needing to do that.”

“I don’t,” I reply as I get to my feet. “But I should have already known what I needed to do.”

I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a deep breath.

Who is this new Alice I’ve become? The old Alice would never have let herself become so emotional–not even during a session with Michelle.

“So you’ve made your decision?” she asks.

I nod. “I have. I know what I need to do.”