Beautifully Complicated (Front Range University #4)

7. Kier

Chapter seven

Kier

FOUR MONTHS LATER

“ S taff meetings are Monday morning at nine. Bring your own coffee because the stuff they serve here isn’t fit for human consumption. The bagels are good though,” my new colleague Daniel says as he finishes the tour of the computer science building right where we started, my new office.

“Good to know.” I muster a timid smile.

His jovial grin falls. “Hey, the students aren’t that bad. I know it can be daunting to lead a class, but you’re no stranger to lecture halls, right? Besides, these kids aren’t here to challenge you like some of the other experts in the field do, they’re here to learn. You’ll do great.”

I thank him for the advice even though lecturing a bunch of undergrads isn’t the thing that keeps me from smiling. At the risk of sounding pompous, teaching people about my life’s passion is something I can do in my sleep, so I’ve got zero trepidation about that. I’ve also got zero excitement about it. I haven’t had much enthusiasm about anything for the past four months, when I woke up alone after the most incredible night of my life.

Just as I have every day since, I recall that night with alarming clarity. The soft touches, the whispered confessions, the potent euphoria. Most of all I remember the moments right before sleep claimed me, when I rehearsed all the crazy things I wanted to say about our connection being too great to ignore. That we should see each other again.

I never got the chance to voice those thoughts.

Though Aiden’s absence should have been a clear sign he didn’t feel the same way, I struggle to accept that.

I’m not usually one to misread people, or situations, so the notion I was the only one to catch feelings was a blow. One I haven’t been able to wrap my head around. And since my head is programmed to observe, analyze and solve, that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

Over and over again, I dissected every minute of our time together. Every shared smile. Every lingering glance. Every passionate kiss. Time and again I came to the same conclusion.

I didn’t imagine our connection, I just underestimated how vulnerable he really is.

That’s the only explanation.

I know he felt the same magnetic pull for me I did for him. I could feel it in the way his body responded to mine. In his kiss. In the way he trusted me to be his first top. But I foolishly believed in that old adage that actions speak louder than words, even though I’d had to use my words several times that night to reassure him of his appeal.

And rather than telling him how I felt as soon as I realized it, I rehearsed what to say. I can only conclude that sometime during the night he had another moment of self-doubt, one that I couldn’t diffuse since I was asleep, and snuck out.

My failure to act in the moment is the reason I woke up alone, I know it. As a result, I haven’t smiled very often since then. I haven’t taken a full breath either. Both are hard to do when you’re afraid you’ve lost the thing that would’ve made life complete.

“Anything else you need to get settled in?” Daniel asks.

“I’m supposed to have a TA. And a research assistant. Do you know how I get in touch with them?”

One of the reasons I took this position is the cutting edge computer lab that will allow me to continue my work with nanotechnology and AI. Pairing the two to enhance the functionality and comfort of prosthetics is a passion I’ve been pursuing since my adoptive father lost his leg in a car accident nearly a decade ago, and the research that goes into that endeavor is daunting to say the least. I welcome all the help I can get, and I was assured my new charge, whoever he is, will be up to the task.

That, and the position is in Colorado, so…

It’s probably futile to look for a man whose full name I don’t even know. Hell, I’m only assuming he lives in Colorado since that’s where we met. For all I know he was on vacation that fateful evening and he really lives in Florida.

Still, I’ve been back to that pub on two separate trips, on the off chance I’d run into him again, which of course didn’t happen.

I wish I could explain how that one night affected me so profoundly. All I know is not a day goes by that I don’t think of Aiden. Triggers are everywhere. Football. Movies. Whiskey. Even couples, the affection between them a reminder of the time we shared.

Yes, I’m being irrational. I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m supposed to have more than one night with Aiden, so I keep trying to force another.

Unfortunately, looking for him isn’t even the most pathetic thing I’ve done since that night. That honor belongs to what I’m doing right now, taking a position as a guest professor at Front Range University because it puts me in the same state where I last saw him.

That sounds a little stalkerish, although it’s really not like that. I didn’t search out this job—my dignity is depleted, but it’s not gone—so I didn’t go looking for an excuse to temporarily relocate. I did, however, take the position specifically because of the location, even though I’ll be teaching classes well below my capabilities since I’m merely the substitute.

I think the school was just as shocked I accepted the position as I was, but timing is everything, right? And their timing, plus their location just an hour outside Denver, couldn’t be more perfect.

I’d have preferred to be in Denver proper since that’s where Aiden and I met, but this is the closest I could find a job with the resources to continue my research. Since I only need to lead a couple classes in exchange for having access to the facility, it seems like a win, win. The university fills a vacancy for a professor on sabbatical, and I get to work from a place that will make my search for Aiden easier.

“You’ve probably got an email with the name and contact information of your assistants so you can coordinate when to meet them,” Daniel answers the question I’d already forgotten I asked.

I really need to do a better job of staying in the moment.

“Do you need help getting online or onto the school portal?” he asks.

“I’ve probably got those instructions in here somewhere.” I hold up the folder given to me by our department head.

“Let me give you my cell, just in case. You can ping me if you have any questions.”

I hand over my phone so Daniel can add his contact information, and before he hands it back, I hear the soft ding of a notification. He fishes his phone from his pocket and looks at the screen with a nervous smile. “Now I’ll know who you are.”

It makes sense that he’d text himself to capture my contact information, but something about his anxious expression leaves me wondering if his intentions are purely professional.

Please let me be misreading things. I have zero patience for anything but work and torturing myself over Aiden.

Forcing a tight smile to my face I thank Daniel again and tell him I’ll reach out with any questions, then I sink into my office chair, prop my elbows on the desk, and bury my hands in my hair.

I’m a thirty-two-year-old workaholic pining for a man ten years my junior who I’ve somehow convinced myself I need in my life despite not even knowing his full name. Who am I, and what have I done with my mind? It’s supposed to be genius level for God’s sake. I need to get a grip.

It’s unlikely I’ll find Aiden just because I’m in the same state where we met. In fact, it should be statistically impossible. Given the number of people who live here, and the fact Aiden might not even be one of them, I’m probably spinning my wheels for nothing.

Not probably. Definitely. I’m definitely on a fool’s errand and definitely driving myself crazy. I know that. So, why can’t I stop?

This is so unlike me. So foreign. Not just the fact that I’m chasing something outside of work, but the fact that something is a someone who’s barely an adult.

Leaning back to rest my head against the top of the chair, I take in the room around me. It’s as empty as my chest feels. Nothing adorning the walls. No personalization whatsoever. A hollow shell.

I used to think work was all I needed to feel fulfilled, and for years that was true. The advancements I helped make… The accolades I received... The lives I changed... My lack of a personal life didn’t bother me since I could see that I was making a difference. Yet after one night with Aiden I suddenly miss what I never realized I wanted.

A life outside work.

Someone to laugh with. To touch. To love.

Could I really love him after just one night? The notion seems far-fetched even for my admittedly obsessed mind. Yet I don’t have a better word for it.

That night with Aiden was like putting color on these bare walls. Movie posters and quotes and sports memorabilia… all manner of life that I’d deemed inconsequential until he made me remember it. And all those things pale in comparison to the color he made me feel.

What am I doing?

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? Could I be discombobulated because I’m aging, not lovesick? Pining for someone ten years my junior certainly falls into the crisis category, as does surrounding myself with people his age, like I’m trying to reclaim my youth.

Logically, that would make sense. Hormones can do some freaky shit, and if mine are out of balance, it would explain why I’m acting so irrationally.

Did I uproot my life because my body is out of whack?

That’s a terrifying thought. One I should have considered before moving across the country. Although now that I’m here, maybe instead of thinking of this as an opportunity to find what I lost, I should be thinking of this as a fresh start.

Daniel’s not bad looking. His brown hair doesn’t look as silky as Aiden’s blonde locks, and his hazel eyes lack the swirling intensity of Aiden’s amber ones, but overall the combination is flattering. His build is appealing, tall and trim like Aiden, and he flushes the same way Ai—

Dammit .

How can I start fresh when I can’t even look at another man without comparing him to Aiden?

Focus, Kier.

Booting up my computer, I try to log into the school portal to access my email. Classes start next week, and I should make plans to meet with my assistants before then so we can go over their role.

I’m waiting for the little wheel to stop spinning—does it ever just take you right to the inbox without a wait—when there’s a sharp knock on the door.

Please don’t let it be Daniel.

I get out of my chair with a heavy sigh and cross the room, grasping for an excuse that will get rid of whoever it is with the utmost speed.

But when I get the door open time stops.

Aiden .

He looks just as I remember him, minus the dark circles under his eyes, but even those don’t detract from his angelic beauty. If anything, they just make me more determined that I should be with him, so I can make them go away.

My lungs reach capacity for the first time since I woke up alone, though the air doesn’t stay in them for long. It comes out with a breathy “ Leanbh ” as I yank him inside, slam the door, and crush my mouth to his.