Because Fat Girl

Chapter Thirty-Three

The morning of our first table read, I found Chris muttering to himself as he obsessively made changes to the platters of food he’d prepared for the event, moving it all around, trying to make it look perfect, sprinkling salt on top, then taking some of it off.

“I find it best in moments like this to just let him do his thing,” Bradley said to Cecily when I approached them standing in the doorway, watching.

After our late-night conversation over tater tots a couple weeks ago, I’d talked with Shamaya, Chris, and Drew about Cecily being a production assistant for the film, giving her a much-needed boost in income and allowing me to have my sister by my side along for the ride. They’d agreed to bring her on, and we put Cecily to work immediately, organizing the mounds of paperwork producing a film required. She soon became an integral part of the team, working hand in hand with Chris’s assistant, Bradley, to keep all of us organized, calm, and ready to go.

“I think the hummus needs more tahini,” Chris announced.

“It’s fine,” Cecily assured him. “Now, go get the rest.” Chris sighed and headed back to the kitchen with Bradley.

“We’re lucky it’s a small cast.” Janelle maneuvered her way around the tightly packed room and placed the name card for “Laura (played by Marie Austin)” on a chair. Marie was one of the few fat actresses on television these days and a hilarious comedian, who brought a levity to the script that I hadn’t known it needed. She also had a huge online following—which Chris loved—and posted often about body positivity and intersectional feminism—which I loved. I was happy to have her on the project, even if I was still a bit sad to not be playing the role myself.

“Hola, hola, hola!” Shamaya sauntered into the room, wearing a silk-and-velvet suit that screamed power and money.

“You look fierce as hell,” I said, kissing Shamaya on both cheeks.

“Of course I do. Got this from 11 Honoré.” Shamaya twirled around. She turned her gaze to me and my striped jumpsuit paired with white flats. “You look cute, too. I love that comfy, chic look.”

“Anyone else and that remark would feel snide, but I’m going to take it as the compliment I’m sure you meant it to be.”

“Oh, honey, yes. You should know by now that I’m never snide. Or sarcastic. I just tell it as it is.”

“And we love you for that,” Janelle added, reaching in to hug Shamaya hello.

“Don’t wrinkle the suit!” Shamaya pulled back quickly and kissed her on the cheek instead.

“You’re ridiculous.” Janelle shook her head.

“You love it.” Shamaya twirled around once more.

We were out of pens, so I ran upstairs, ignoring Chris’s yells that he needed my help in the kitchen. We’d used up all the supplies from his office, so I went to rummage through the guest bedroom when I walked in and saw Drew sitting in a chair, reading.

“I didn’t realize you were here already,” I said, closing the door behind me.

“I came over early this morning.” He was nervous, more nervous than I’d ever seen him, and I wondered if it was producer nerves like Chris or something more. Something like me.

“I’m sorry we haven’t been able to really talk lately,” I said. “Things have been so hectic around here.”

“I figured you were avoiding me,” he said.

“Maybe a little,” I admitted, then smiled up at him. “But I’m glad you’re here now.”

“Me, too.” He smiled back at me. “Did you need something?”

“Oh yeah.” I walked over to the desk and retrieved pens out of the top drawer. “These.”

“Never enough pens.”

“Not the way Chris marks up a script,” I said, looking around. “I can head out, if you’d like. You looked busy.”

“I was working on memorizing my lines.” Drew picked his script up off the table. “Don’t want to get into any more trouble with my director.”

“Who said you’re in trouble with me?”

“When you sleep with a woman and she doesn’t call you back, it’s a good assumption you’re in trouble,” Drew pointed out.

“What if I’m the trouble, not you?” I replied.

“Oh, you’re definitely trouble.” Drew moved closer to me.

“That makes us quite a pair, then, doesn’t it?” I laughed nervously as Drew’s finger touched mine.

“So we’re a pair now?” Drew asked, closing the gap between our bodies.

“I meant…” I started, but Drew’s lips were on mine before I could finish my sentence. He kissed me like a long-lost lover, his want mirroring my own, our bodies pressed into each other, desperate to close any remnant of the gap that had been between us.

“I dreamed of you every night,” Drew confessed, pulling away to look at me, running his hand down my face.

“Freud would have a field day with that,” I joked, leaning into his touch. “I love dreams. They tell you so much about a person.”

“What do your dreams say about us?” Drew asked.

“I’ve always dreamed of making movies. Big ones, the kind that premiere on screens all around the world. I dream of walking red carpets in fabulous avant-garde outfits, waving at the paparazzi and my adoring fans. But not once, not a single time, did that dream include someone walking next to me.” I dabbed my now tear-filled eyes, trying to prevent mascara from smearing all over my face. “My whole life I’ve been told that you can’t have it all, so I’ve chosen my career over a relationship. I don’t know how to make this movie and date you. I don’t know how to dream that big.”

“I have bigger dreams than just this one movie,” Drew said, pulling me closer to him.

“Big dreams like two movies?” I quipped.

“Like us running off together to Italy. Or joining the circus and traveling around performing as acrobats.”

I laughed. “Will there be lions and tigers and bears, oh my?”

“Absolutely not,” Drew said. “That’s animal cruelty. But there will be pasta.”

“Gluten-free, of course,” I added.

“Of course.” He smiled.

“I like this bigger dream.” I picked up the script where Drew had dropped it. “But we’ve gotta get through this one first.”

“I love you, Diana,” Drew let out, taking my hand instead of the script I was offering him. My heart stopped as he wrapped his fingers around mine. “And that love is not going anywhere. I’m going to do everything I can to help this dream of yours come true, but I want you to know you deserve a bigger dream, one that’s not so lonely. It doesn’t have to include me if I’m not who you want, but it absolutely should include love.”

“I would like it to include you,” I said, my voice cracking as the want filled me. “I would very much like it to include you.”

“Then it will.” Drew hugged me tightly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

We stood there, his arms around me, my head pressed into his chest, until the doorbell rang, reminding us that there was a whole cast and crew of people filing in downstairs.

“What do we do now?” I wondered, looking up at him.

Drew kissed the top of my head, then let me go. “Right now, you go downstairs and greet your team while I stay up here and learn my lines so my director doesn’t fire me.”

I laughed. “Okay, and then later?”

“We’ll deal with later later,” Drew said.

I nodded and walked to the door, turning around to watch him silently mouth his lines. He looked up at me, smiled, and shooed me away. I smiled, too, and closed the door, sighing heavily.

Que será, será , I sang to myself, walking down the hall. I had no idea what was going to happen with Drew, where this love would take us, and what it meant for my life and career. I did know, however, that worrying about tomorrow wouldn’t help me today, so I pushed my fears aside and focused instead on this dream that was coming true right now.

With a giddy smile, I made my way downstairs and was greeted by a room full of cast and crew, all excitedly chatting with each other in the small spaces between chairs. I stood in the doorway for a while, watching people interact, appreciating the ensemble we’d gathered together. Francine was talking with our new lead, Marie. Miel and Shamaya were in the middle of the room, laughing at something Janelle had just said. Even though she wasn’t needed this early in the process, Kali was there to meet everyone, sitting off to the side on Chris’s sofa, her head sporting a super-cute neon beanie, Emmy sitting next to her, holding her hand.

Drew came down to join us, and we all took our assigned seats, with me in the middle of a horseshoe arrangement of cast and crew. It was a varying display of skin tones, abilities, identities, and presentations, and I was honored that they’d all gathered together for this little story of mine. I looked out onto the room, everyone holding a copy of my script in their hands, staring up at me expectantly with excited anticipation on their faces.

It was exactly how I’d always imagined it.

“Ready, everyone?” I asked, looking first to Cecily on my right, then Janelle on my left. Shamaya beamed at me while Chris nodded. I looked up at Drew, and he winked at me, mouthing the words, “You’ve got this,” with a big grin on his face.

“All right, then.” I smiled at my new team, my new family. “Let’s begin.”