Between Then and Now

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Ryan

S he has a date with John tomorrow, and I still have one with Alexa. Well, technically, I won't by the end of the night. I called her earlier to talk tonight, because if I’m truly on a quest to be honest with myself and with Bon, I have to be honest with Alexa first.

And I can’t stop Bon from going out with John if she wants to. So, I choose not to say anything for now and plan how I’ll talk to her once I cancel with Alexa.

The ride back is surprisingly quiet, with only the soft hum of the engine filling the space between us. I glance over to see Bon asleep, but it’s not the cute, peaceful kind of sleep. Her head is tilted all the way back, her mouth hanging open in a way that makes me wonder if she’s having an epic dream or if she’s just completely wiped out. The sight makes me chuckle softly to myself

Once we arrive back at the inn, I gently nudge Bon, hoping to wake her up softly. “Bon, we’re here,” I whisper. But nothing about Bon is gentle; she jolts awake with a startled scream, jumps in her seat, and hits her head on the window with a loud thud.

“Ow!” she exclaims, rubbing her head and looking around in confusion. Her disoriented expression and the sheer shock of the moment make me stifle a laugh. “I hate you.” She chuckles as she steps out of the car.

“I was being as gentle as I could,” I say as I step out too. The quietness of the surroundings is a stark contrast to the noise inside the car and we walk back together.

When we arrive in the room, Bon plops onto her bed, stomach-down, letting out a long, exaggerated groan. “Ughhh, I’m so tired,” she mumbles, her voice muffled by the mattress.

“Get some rest, Bon. You were supposed to take it easy on your first day out of bed,” I say, sitting on the side of her bed. I reach out, wanting to touch her back in a comforting gesture, but I hesitate, my hand hovering in the air. At that moment, Bon turns over, now lying on her back. Her eyes widen as she sees me with my arm raised, frozen in place.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?” she asks in a rush as she props her elbows behind her.

I quickly lower my arm, feeling a bit awkward. “I was just... checking if you were okay,” I say, trying to brush off the moment.

She sits up completely and looks at me. She gives me a tired smile and runs her fingers through her hair. “I’m fine, Ry. Really. I just need to take a shower.” She gets out of bed and heads toward the bathroom.

“I’ll just go out for a while, you’ll be okay?” I ask.

Bon is quiet for a moment, as if thinking about what to say. But instantly, she smiles at me–too enthusiastically–and says, “Yeah. You don’t have to babysit me. I’m okay. You don’t have to feel responsible for me or whatever. You can do your own thing. I can manage, really, Miller.” She turns her back.

“Bon, that’s not–” and she shuts the door behind her. I rub my temples as I realize that Bon might be angry with me. I have no idea why, though.

I carefully make my way out of the room and walk to the restaurant to cancel the date with Alexa. I can’t fathom ever turning down an opportunity with her. One of the main reasons I even joined this mission was to be closer to her, to explore the possibilities that might exist between us. Yet, I never anticipated that Bon would become the unexpected catalyst for this change. The very person who complicated my feelings for Alexa is the reason I had a chance with her in the first place.

When I enter the restaurant, I wait for Alexa at one of the tables. She appears minutes later, still looking beautiful. Normally, her smile would make my heart race. But today, as I watch her approach, I don’t feel the familiar nervous flutters that used to accompany my thoughts of her. Instead, there’s a strange sense of liberation in realizing that I’m no longer bound by those anticipatory nerves.

“What’s with the urgency?” Alexa says as she sits across from me in the inn’s restaurant. “Can’t this wait until tomorrow?” I hand her a soda, and she opens it.

“About tomorrow…” I say, “I don’t think we should go through with the date.”

“Okay… why?” Alexa doesn’t look surprised. She doesn’t even look disappointed. She just grabs her soda, leans back, and drinks from it. “Just kidding. Don’t answer that. It’s Bon, isn’t it?” She narrows her eyes.

“Is it obvious?” I ask.

To my surprise, Alexa chuckles. “It’s been obvious since the first time I met you, Ryan.” And that is another surprise to me because I have no idea what she means. I only started to look at Bon differently after the accident. Okay, maybe after we kissed, but definitely not before this trip.

I think my confusion is sprawled on my face because Alexa leans forward. “Don’t you remember the first time we spoke?”

My brows furrow as I try to recount it. “It was at the hospital mixer, last year; I said ‘hey’ and you smiled and then we never spoke again. ”

“No, it wasn’t that.” She smirks. “We met at a party. The very first day of med school. John brought you along when he was dating my friend Stacey.” She raises her eyebrows as if waiting for me to remember, but my mind is drawing blank.

“No recollection of this party whatsoever,” I say.

“Well, I think it’s worth mentioning that you were flat-out drunk.” She laughs. I purse my lips and shake my head. “Anyway,” Alexa continues, “Stacey introduced us. And I attempted to flirt with you. You know what you said, two minutes into talking?” Normally, the revelation that Alexa attempted to flirt with me would send my mind reeling, but this time it does nothing except make me wonder if she’s telling the truth.

I shrug. “Did I tell you some wrong facts about art history? I’ve been told that I do that.”

Alexa laughs but she shakes her head. “No. That would have been better, actually.” I’m still looking at her with a confused expression, so she continues talking. “Your exact words were, ‘I like you. You’re like my friend Bonbon. She’s great, by the way.’ And then you spent thirty minutes ranting about how you didn’t like her boyfriend Greg because he’s changing her... And then you left us because you had to attend her birthday party.”

I stare at her, incredulous. “I said that?” I bury my face in my hands. “This is embarrassing. I can’t believe I asked you out after doing all that.”

Alexa nods, her expression understanding. “It’s fine. When you asked me out, I thought you’d finally gotten over her, but seeing you around her…” She trails off, her eyes searching mine. “I knew you were already hooked, even if you didn’t realize it yourself. ”

I run a hand through my hair, absorbing her words. “I had no idea.”

“Maybe not consciously,” she says gently, “but it’s always been there. The way you talk about her, the way you look at her... It’s clear to anyone paying attention.”

“I talk about her and look at her differently? I don’t think so…” I say, trailing off as I try to piece it together.

“Ryan,” Alexa says softly. “You talk about her like she’s the most important person in the world. And you look at her like she’s a celebrity you secretly stalk online. You know, always so starstruck,” she says. “And don’t even get me started on your Instagram account.”

I let out a sigh, the weight of the realization settling in. “I’m sorry, Alexa.” I don’t know what else to say.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not like we hit it off anyway. I wasn’t even sure why I suggested a second date. I just think you’re really cute, you know?” she says, chuckling.

“I actually felt the same about you. Honestly.” I contemplate telling her about the ‘lessons’ Bon was giving me, but I realize Alexa deserves to feel better, so I add, “The reason why I agreed for Bon to come with me was because she offered to help me shake off the jitters and get the courage to talk to you.”

At this, Alexa smiles. “That’s adorable.” She takes another sip of her soda. “And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that’s not the reason you wanted to bring her with you.” I look at her, amazed at how much she’s noticed.

And then I consider the fact that she may be right. I brought Bon with me because I wanted to spend time with her. I want to continue spending time with her. Maybe my heart already knows that I like her, and my mind is finally catching up to it.

“Look, Ryan, I hope you two hit it off. I really do.” Alexa says, standing up, and I do too. She walks over to me and gives me a hug. “Good luck,” she says.

As Alexa walks out, I sit back down and reflect. All the things I claimed to like about Alexa are qualities that reminded me of Bon. My feelings for her were less about who she is and more about who she represents. And it’s funny because they don’t even have that much in common.

Alexa is quiet and reserved, while Bon is loud and opinionated. But the moment Alexa showed a slip of personality that reminded me of Bon, I convinced myself that I liked her. Because it would be easier to admit than having feelings for a friend I’ve known my whole life.

It’s confusing, and a bit unsettling, but it’s also liberating to finally come to terms with the truth that it’s been Bonbon all along.