Between Then and Now

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Ryan

I can’t say I’m surprised to see my bed empty when I wake. I’m also not surprised that Bonbon’s side of the room is empty except for a letter resting on her bed, with my name on it. The moment I told her I liked her, I saw the hesitation in Bon’s eyes. There was also affection in them, and maybe even love, but the hesitation prevailed.

Last night was the best night of my life. I’ve never been a casual dater, so all the girls I had sex with (all three of them) were ones I had feelings for. But nothing–and I mean nothing–comes close to how it was with Bonbon. With her, it wasn’t just feelings. It was a connection, a spark that felt like it had always been there, waiting for the right moment to ignite.

With Bonbon, it felt like I was finally whole, like every piece of me that had been missing was now found. The way she looked at me, with such trust and vulnerability, made me feel like I could conquer anything. She made me–makes me–want to be a better person, to fight for something real and lasting.

As I sit on the edge of the bed, the letter in my hand, I can’t help but feel a pang of anxiety. What if this letter is her way of saying goodbye? What if she’s already decided that last night was a mistake, that we’re better off as friends? Could we still be friends after all that? My heart races as I carefully open the envelope, unfolding the paper with trembling hands.

Ryan,

Last night was incredible. I was blown away in ways I never thought possible. You were amazing, and I want nothing more than to be the person you want to be with.

But I’m scared. I’m scared that one day, you’ll wake up and realize that I’m more of a rain cloud after all. That maybe you’d think I’m a fraud for always pretending. That I am layers and layers of different personalities, and you may find one of them repulsive.

I do want to come to terms with all that I’m feeling. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m kind of freaking out. Don’t think of this as goodbye. Think of it as me hitting the pause button to catch my breath and maybe have a mini existential crisis. I’ll be back, hopefully without the need for a rescue mission.

You mean the world to me.

Love,

Bonbon

I exhale, the tension in my chest easing slightly. She’s not leaving forever; she just needs time. I should probably just sit here and wait. I’ll be back home in a week and then I’ll see her again. Normally, I’d be fine with that. It’s just seven days, after all. But in the past seven days, I went on a date with Alexa, rescued Bon from drowning, and then I fell in love with her. So, seven days isn’t exactly short. And I obviously can’t wait that long.

I take a quick shower and take the next jeepney to the town proper where I’m stationed for the day. I take out my phone and contemplate calling Bon, but I really want to give her the space she’s asking for. So I call the next best person who I think can help me.

“Who died?” Joshua says immediately after the first ring.

“What? Who hurt you?” I say, chuckling slightly at the sound of his voice.

“You never call me,” he says, his tone flat.

“Maybe I just wanted to check on you,” I lie .

“Nope. The last time you called me, you told me our neighbor had a heart attack and that I should start watching what I eat,” he says, and I’m whisked back to the memory.

“So, are you watching what you eat?”

“While I am flattered that you care about my diet, why did you call, really?” he says, a hint of amusement in his voice.

I sigh deeply. “Your sister.”

“What did Bon do? Did she wreak havoc on the island? Did she hurt a local? Did she hurt a doctor? Did she summon some monster from the legends?”

“I’m very alarmed at how you see Bonbon,” I say, chuckling slightly. “But, no, none of that.”

“So, what is it?”

“I…” I take a deep breath. “I’m in love with her,” I say, gripping the edge of my seat because I feel a bit dizzy saying it out loud. I wait for Josh to speak but he doesn’t. I thought the line got cut. “Hello?” I ask.

“Sorry, I was waiting for the punchline,” he says.

“There’s no punchline. I am in love with her, Josh,” I say. Now that I admit it to him, I don’t feel any hesitation at all. There’s no nagging voice in my head telling me to keep it together or convincing me that I’m feeling this as a friend. There’s none of that. There’s only pure honesty.

“And you’re calling me because?” he says slowly.

“Because I don’t know how to handle it. She... she left. Immediately, after we…” I trail off. Shit, I can’t tell him, can I?

Joshua sighs loudly. “Silence doesn’t make it any less disgusting, you know?” he says. I can imagine his deadpan expression. “So, you slept with my sister, and then you fell in love with her?”

“No. I fell in love with her first. ”

There’s a pause, and I can almost hear Joshua’s brain working through what I’ve just told him. “So, let me get this straight,” he begins, his tone now more thoughtful. “You’ve had this epiphany, and instead of telling her, you’re telling me?”

“I didn’t get a chance to tell her,” I say, frustration creeping into my voice. “She left a note saying she needed time to figure things out. She’s scared, Josh. And I get it, but I don’t know what to do. And you’re like everyone’s older brother, so any advice would be great.”

“You’re asking me to help my younger brother date my younger sister?” he says sarcastically, and he chuckles to himself. “Look, Ry. I’m the last person in the world to give you advice about love. My longest relationship is twenty-four hours. And it was only because there was an unexpected blizzard.”

“That’s sick,” I interject. “But go on.”

“What’s sick is you calling me at bedtime to gush about my sister, of all people,” he says, and I pause, letting silence apologize for me. “But I know Bon.” Josh continues. “I’m the type to run away when things get too real, but she has a different fear of reality. She thinks no one will accept her if she’s not the talkative burst of energy she tries to be. And like most things in our lives, it’s our parents’ fault,” he says.

His voice is softer now. “She’s scared that if she shows any vulnerability, people will reject her. That’s why she ran. She’s afraid that if you see all of her, you won’t want her anymore.”

“That’s not true,” I say firmly. “I love all of her, even the parts she’s scared to show.”

“Then you need to make sure she knows that,” Josh replies. “You’ve got to show her that you’re not going anywhere, no matter what. She needs to feel safe with you.” He pauses. “ Again, I’m saying this as her brother and your friend and not because I’m an expert at this.”

“Thank you, Josh,” I say. “I’ll try to reach out to her.”

“Just give her time. She’ll come around,” he says.

“I hope so,” I say, sighing deeply. “I’m just so scared of losing her.”

“You won’t,” Josh says confidently. “Not if you’re as serious as you say you are. Just be patient, and don’t give up on her.”

“I won’t. You have my word,” I say, determination settling in.

“You’re pretty good, Ry. I don’t know shit about love but I know Bon deserves it. So just give it to her,” Josh says. “And I’m gonna spare you the long, big brother talk because you’re my friend, but I want you to know that if you hurt Bon, I will filet your internal organs and sell them in the black market.”

I gulp. I know he’s trying to lighten the mood by joking, but I know Joshua. Behind his humor is a truth he’s uncomfortable to say. He’s always been protective of Bon (and all the girls, really) and while we’re friends, he’s a brother first.

I remember a time in high school when a guy tried to mess with Bon. He was already out of high school and I was a junior then. Bon was in seventh grade, but she begged to be dragged to the party. While we were there, some jerk thought he could take advantage of her and offered her a few drinks. Joshua found out, and without hesitation, he stormed into the scene, yanked the guy by the collar, and gave him a stern warning that sent chills down everyone’s spine. The guy was so terrified he apologized profusely and never came near Bon again. Joshua didn’t have to throw a punch; his sheer presence and protectiveness were enough to make it clear that no one messes with his sister.

“I know you’ve always looked out for her, Josh,” I say. “That’s all I want to do too.”

“You better,” he says, his tone serious again. “Bon deserves someone who’ll stand by her no matter what.”

“I’m that someone,” I say, with conviction in my voice.

“Good,” Josh says. “Then go get her, tiger.” He laughs and then adds, “Seriously. Go get her.”

We end the call, and I feel a renewed sense of purpose. Bon is worth it, and I’m going to show her that.

I continue my day tending to patients and making sure thoughts about Bon are tucked away for the meantime. However, I make sure my phone is within reach in case she decides to call me.

“Hey.” I hear a voice behind me. I look up and see John approaching. “I’ve been trying to reach Bon. I really want to apologize for acting like a dick yesterday, but I can’t find her.” He takes the seat next to me as I’m packing up the medical kits.

“She left,” I say, my voice firmer than I intended. I’m not usually one to confront John about his behavior, but this is different. “And yeah, you were a dick. Bon’s going through a lot and your only focus was how entertaining she could be for you.”

He winces and scratches the back of his head. “Yeah, I realized that,” he admits with a subdued voice. “I was too caught up in my own crap.”

It’s rare to see my friend like this–genuinely remorseful—and it softens my anger a bit, but not completely. “Bon’s an amazing person. She spent the rest of her life trying to cheer everyone around her, and for once she allowed herself to feel things that she’s not familiar with. She let herself go through all that. And it doesn’t make her boring; it makes her brave.” I pause, realizing that I’m divulging too much.

There’s a heavy silence between us, and after a few minutes John speaks. “You like her, don’t you?”

I nod. “Like her enough to scare her away, apparently.” I chuckle, trying to lighten up the situation.

“I’ve always felt like there’s something between you two.” He smiles. “Both of you were too stubborn to admit it, but I’m glad it’s finally come to light.” He pauses as he helps me with sanitizing the area. “It’s because of yesterday, isn’t it? I was too mean to her, and you were there for her?”

“Yeah,” I say. I don’t really feel comfortable talking to John about personal stuff like this. Thankfully, he doesn’t push it.

“I just wanna apologize to her, man. I don’t want anything to do with her after that, but I just want to make it right, at least,” he says.

“Here’s the deal,” I tell him. “I’m going to leave early too. And if you want to make it up to Bon, get up and help me do something for her before I go.”

John looks confused but he follows me anyway. I grab my phone and walk out of the triage tent. There’s something I have to do.