Born to Make You Smile

NINE

The following morning, I received a text from Dorina, apologizing for being MIA last night as she was assisting a very drunk and high Will. She was coming by to hang out before heading to work. She knew I had arrived home safely—that Gavin had picked me up from the party—but nothing about what happened with Ethan. I’d have to fill her in on all the awful details.

A few minutes after noon, my doorbell chimed. When I answered the door, I was greeted not only by Dorina but also by Gavin.

“Come in,” I said to them, a confused furrow in my brow.

“I brought fresh bagels and cream cheese from The Bagel House,” Gavin said, raising a paper takeout bag.

He wasn’t wearing his glasses, and I couldn't help but notice he was in a very fitted navy-blue polo, the top two buttons undone. I tried not to stare at his chest hair peeking through.

The events of last night flashed in my mind, and my face went hot.

Touching his chest. Undoing his buttons. Kissing his cheek.

His warm, smooth cheek…

“Thought you might be hungry,” he added. “There’s sesame seed and pumpernickel. As well as several flavors of cream cheese.”

“So not necessary but, um, thank you.” I took the bag of warm bagels and glanced at Dorina, who nodded and smiled politely.

“Oh, and this.” Gavin reached into the front pocket of his pants and pulled out a small ziplock bag with my lip balm, then handed it to me as if it was some sort of biohazardous material.

“I just about had to disassemble my passenger seat to get to it.”

I smiled warmly. “Oh. I appreciate the rescue mission.”

Dorina squeaked out a laugh, then looked at Gavin. “Thank God! That’s her favorite one.”

“Did you want to stay and have some bagels?” I asked him.

“Oh no. I have to get back to the girls. They want to head to the zoo today and…” He looked down and scratched his forehead. “We're meeting up with Michelle and Hunter.”

My chest tightened. Before he’d mentioned Michelle, I was hoping he would invite me along. For the past few years, I had been the one to accompany the girls to the zoo. It was kind of our thing.

It took everything in me to hide my disappointment with a toothy smile.

“Wonderful. Well, have fun. It's a perfect day for the zoo. The weather isn’t too hot. Oh, and make sure you visit the penguins.”

They were Mackenzie's favorite. Mine also.

“Of course, I'm sure Mackenzie wouldn't let us leave without seeing them.”

We all stood there, the three of us staring at one another, shifting our bodies in silence.

“How are you feeling, Grace?” he asked, clearly referring to last night.

“Great. Never better.” I grinned.

“I'm glad. All right. Well, you ladies have a fantastic day. Grace, I will see you tomorrow morning.”

I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach I couldn’t shake.

***

“So thoughtful of Gavin to drop off bagels,” Dorina said, spreading a thick layer of cream cheese on a slice.

“Yeah. It was.” I took a bite of my pumpernickel bagel with smoked salmon cream cheese. It was heavenly. Gavin had brought everything I’d mentioned last night in my weed-filled haze.

“I saw him walking to your house when I pulled into your driveway,” she explained. “I almost didn’t recognize him without his glasses.”

I chuckled, taking another bite of bagel, hoping she would drop the subject.

“It’s nice he looks out for you. Good thing he was around last night to get you.”

I nodded with a hum, looking down to hide my flushed face.

“Will got so drunk. I felt bad for bailing on him this morning, but his sister said she’d take care of him. By the way, what happened? Why didn’t you go home with Ethan?”

“He…” I sighed, collecting my thoughts. “I broke it off with him.”

Dorina looked at me, her mouth falling open. “Oh no. Really? Why? I thought you two were, you know, getting along.”

“Well, he took me up to a bedroom. And he got a little too handsy with me. I told him to stop, and then he lashed out, saying I owed him for all the dates he paid for. I was like fuck you , then I got the hell out of there.”

“That fucking asshole!” Dorina shouted. “I’m glad you told him where to go. Shit. He seemed like such a good guy too.”

“I know. But, at the same time, I don’t know why I wasn’t ready to take things further. I just didn’t want to.”

“You didn’t want to have sex with him?”

I shook my head. “But I didn’t want him to touch me either. I enjoyed kissing him. But anything else made me feel uncomfortable.”

She hummed. “Did you have a bad experience in the past?”

I knew I had to come clean. “Actually, I have no experience.”

“What do you mean?” she said, her eyes wide.

“I’m a virgin. In every sense of the word.”

“Grace.” She looked taken aback. “I had no idea. I thought you lost it on prom night with Jake. I guess I assumed. I always thought you were just very private about your sexual life. I never wanted to push and ask for details.”

Jake was my high school boyfriend and prom date. We ended up at a hotel after, and I thought I could go through with it and have sex with him, but I froze when he started to undress. I lied, telling him I unexpectedly got my period. He was so drunk anyway that he ended up passing out and sleeping on the floor. Pants around his ankles and all.

“I should have told you. The truth is, it’s not really something I like to talk about. I don’t know why, but I never really cared to lose my virginity or do sexual things. For as long as I can remember. I never felt that pull to do that before.”

“Oh,” she said with a nod. “Like you’ve never imagined getting it on with anyone, even a hot celebrity?”

I shook my head. “Definitely not. I mean, I don’t mind watching couples in movies do sexual things—it looks hot, and the idea is fun—but I have no desire to be in their place. It doesn’t appeal to me.”

“You know,” she said, wiping her fingers on a napkin. “It sounds like you might be asexual.”

My brow furrowed, trying to process what that meant. “Asexual?”

“Yeah. Like you just aren’t sexually attracted to people.”

“Maybe.”

I thought about how I never felt sexually attracted to men in the past. But then I thought about my random sexual feelings and pull for Gavin lately and became even more confused. Part of me wanted to confess and tell Dorina about these feelings for him. Instead, I thought it best to keep to myself.

“Honestly,” I said. “I don’t know a whole lot about asexuality and what it entails.”

“Me neither. Only what my sister told me about it. Ashna, Vanessa’s best friend, is asexual. They work together at the club.”

“Ahh.” I nodded. “Have you ever been?”

“To X-PLORE? No way. I’ve heard enough about it to know it’s definitely not my thing. It’s like an open orgy with whips and beatings.”

Orgy. Whips. Beatings. The club sounded intimidating. Nothing like Vanessa had described the place. For a second, I wondered if the server job was still available. How much it paid. I blinked the thoughts away. I could never work at a place like that.

She shook her head, her brows furrowed. “I thought Vanessa’s stint there was only a temporary stepping stone type thing, but five years later, she’s still there. I mean, sure she makes incredible money, but she could do so much better than that place. I’ve heard about them letting in toxic men who don’t know the rules and limits and harass the women. It’s not safe. I really hate that she works there.”

After Dorina left, I cleaned up my room. I made my double bed, fixing the gray covers and arranging the small plush pink pillows on top. I cleared the clutter from the white desk, lined up the spines of my comic books, then arranged the fallen novels on my shelf. Next to my literature collection sat a few of my favorite Beanie Babies, including my penguin and husky, as well as a raccoon. Snoops—the only raccoon I tolerated. My tooth piggybank was on the top right shelf, which contained my tooth fairy earnings over the years, still untouched from my last baby tooth. I picked it up and shook it, hearing the coins jangle against the ceramic walls, recalling all the teeth I’d lost in this house and the two at school.

With a sigh, I walked over to my dresser and picked up the silver frame. Inside was a special poem I’d written after my mom died. While I wouldn’t consider myself a poet, I loved to experiment with words on the page. Channel my inner thoughts to create a small piece of art. I was terrible at visual arts—sketching and painting—so poetry had become my outlet over the years. I found it helped me cope with the grief of losing Mom.