Born to Make You Smile

TWENTY-FOUR

A persistent ache swirled in my stomach since that afternoon at the market. A sinking feeling that I’d never be enough for Gavin. I’d always be this forbidden fruit, a guilty pleasure for him. Like a kink, hidden away from the outside world, for fear of judgment. Then that asshat Pete. Wasn’t he the curdled cream atop a moldy turnip cake?

“Here you are,” Gavin said merrily, placing a white envelope before me as I entered data on the computer in the treatment room. “Your yearly bonus.”

I looked up at him with a smile. “Thanks.”

When he left the room, I peeked inside.

Holy shit. It was a grand more than usual.

While I was a damn good assistant, I knew it wasn’t all due to my performance in the office. Was it my performance in the bedroom? Was it a nanny fee because I helped with his children on the weekends? Did Gavin let Pete’s words get to him, being sure to take care of me?

I hated this.

I hated this situation so damn much. I wanted to rip up the check and throw it into the trash.

“You’re so quiet, love,” Gavin said as we headed home.

I glanced over at him in the driver's seat. “I’m just tired.”

He felt miles away. It didn’t help that the space between us was more than usual in his Range Rover.

“This is about what happened on Sunday with Pete, isn’t it? What a wanker. He’s always been a good-for-nothing, even in school. He was a cheat and completely incompetent. You know what they say about endodontists: They really get on your nerves.”

I pressed my lips together into a flat smile. I couldn’t do much more than that. Like I’d lost all ability to find joy in life.

“God, if you aren’t laughing at my terrible jokes, I know it’s serious. What’s going on? Talk to me, love. Please. I hate seeing you like this.”

I inhaled a breath. “How long are we going to do this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Fuck around,” I stated curtly. “Until you get bored? Until you realize I’m not worth the trouble?”

“For crying out loud, Grace. Why would you say that? Is that what you honestly think?”

I sighed. “I get it. I’m not expecting you to come out and shout it to the world. But will you ever be ready? To tell the office, your family? Or is this a lost cause? Will we ever be more than this? I just need to know. I need to set the expectations now and prepare myself.”

He ran a hand through his hair as we waited at a light. “My family can be very hard to please. My sister, in particular. She’s rather protective over me and Jared. She was very close to Judy, and in her eyes, it’s difficult for anyone to measure up.”

“Definitely not me.” I frowned.

“I won’t sugarcoat it. But no. She likely won’t be keen on our relationship. And it will be difficult on my family, especially right before the holidays. So right now, I can’t give you more than this. But eventually, when the time is right, we will come out. I promise you.”

“Okay.” I nodded, trying to be positive and understanding of his situation. “By the way, I think you made an error with my bonus. It’s way too high. I don’t deserve that much. Unless you’re paying me for more…”

“That amount is for everything you do. You do so much for me. And the girls.”

I shook my head. “You shouldn’t be paying me for spending time with your family. See. This is getting weird. Right?”

“Perhaps lines have been crossed. But my intention was to make sure you know how appreciated you are. Just take it, all right? Buy yourself something nice for the holidays.”

It occurred to me that I hadn’t bought the girls anything for Christmas yet. I could definitely use the bonus to get something nice for them. A way to give back and ease the guilt of all that extra money.

“Okay.” I smiled, more genuinely this time, showing my teeth.

“There it is.” He reached for my hand and squeezed it tight. The contact warmed me. “There’s my favorite smile in the whole world.”

When he dropped me off, I kissed him so hard he couldn’t help but follow me into my house where he took me into the shower and had his way with me until every single worry in my world disappeared.

***

That Thursday, Dorina wanted to visit X-PLORE and finally see what all the fuss was about, so I dropped by her condo on my way there.

“Whoa. Grace.” Dorina’s jaw fell as she took me in once I removed my winter coat. I was wearing a sexy elf costume. Red-and-white-striped pantyhose, a green body suit with a black belt, and a red-and-green elf hat with a bell on top of my orange wig.

“Your tits need their own area code.” She sighed, looking down at her very short, tight black dress. “I feel underdressed now.”

“I’m technically in uniform. You look phenomenal. Classy and sexy. The perfect combo.”

“I’m so nervous,” she said, rubbing her hands together. “Why am I nervous?”

I recalled how I felt when I went for my interview. “It’s a new experience. But there’s nothing to be nervous about. It’s fun. Interesting. A little kinky. If I can handle it, you can.”

“Am I going to have to, you know, do anything?”

I shook my head. “As a guest, you wear a wristband that indicates your desire. I wear a black one since I’m staff. You can wear white, which means just here to watch and explore. Unless you want something more…You are single.”

She shoved me playfully. “Absolutely not. I do have a wild side, but I don’t think I’ll find anyone there. You know I’m more of a relationship kinda gal. I can’t believe you still work there. Plus, full time at the office. It’s a lot. Have you told Gavin yet?”

“No.” I ran my teeth over my bottom lip. The thought of him finding out made my insides squeeze. “My contract is up in like a month, then I’m just going to put it behind me. Sure, I might tell him one day down the road, but he doesn’t need to know right now. Besides, things are already really weird between us.”

My stomach tightened as I took a sip of ice-cold water, the fluid chilling my inner turmoil on the way down. I told her all about the Pete situation at St. Lawrence Market. Then the fact that Gavin didn’t invite me to spend Christmas with his family. “Not that I’d miss your parents’ place, but I was going to head to his brother’s after lunch.”

“And miss a drunk Tía Camila dancing and singing her off-key carols at midnight?” She laughed.

“No, I definitely wouldn’t want to miss that,” I said, only half sarcastically. I loved everything about the chaotic Christmas with her family. “I think I’m more upset about how adamant he was to continue to keep us a secret. But of course, I can’t blame him. It’s not his fault. It’s us. We’re the problem. I love being with him, and we get along so well. The girls are everything to me. And I love being a part of their lives in this way. But I hate the shame that comes along with our relationship. The feeling like we’ll never fit in with other couples no matter what we do.”

She took a sip of her vodka cranberry. “Nothing’s perfect. You could find your dream guy on paper. Everyone would love him. Society would accept you. But he’d treat you like crap, and you’d hate being with him.”

“Like Ethan,” I pointed out.

She groaned. “Exactly. He seemed perfect. Boy, was that one misjudged setup. Men suck.” Then she corrected, “ Most men suck. But my advice would be to take your relationship day by day. Maybe he’s waiting until things get more serious between you two before coming out.”

Her words caused me to pause and think. “Maybe he doesn’t even want serious. Maybe he’s done with the whole commitment thing. I’m pretty sure his last relationship ended for that reason. He was still holding on to hesitations because of his late wife. Oh God, what if he never wants to be more, and he strings me along for years and…”

“ Pollita, ” she said gently, placing a hand on my back. “You’re spiraling. Calm down. Everything will be okay. You two will figure it out.”

***

X-PLORE was uncharacteristically busy for a Thursday in December.

Dorina had filled out paperwork online, so all we had to do was get her signed in before heading on our way. We entered the main area, and I spotted Joshua and Felix sitting at the bar. I’d hung out with Felix several times. While my initial introduction to him was rather intimidating, he was very kind and soft-spoken. Sometimes I forgot that one’s role as a sub or Dom could be completely different from their everyday persona. It was like playing a part, becoming a character, or a temporary escape from reality—even a way to bring joy and deal with grief. Felix had lost his parents in a tragic accident as a teen. He’d told me that BDSM helped him cope with the loss in a healthy way. He said Joshua was his emotional support pup, bringing a special light to his life. That thought was very heartwarming.

Joshua was all smiles, donning a plaid sweater and a Santa hat with pup ears. I introduced Dorina to the two men. She took a seat next to them while I went behind the bar to organize and prepare orders.

“Whoa.” Dorina’s wide eyes traveled over the mingling area. “Everyone’s so festive. It’s like a costume party. This is pretty cool. I thought it would be more wild.”

“The night is still young,” Joshua stated. “And things are pretty tame in the main areas.”

“If you want to see some action, you can watch people get frisky in the viewbox upstairs,” said Felix.

“Can you like, watch them?” Dorina asked. “They don’t care?”

Joshua laughed. “They want you to watch. They get off on it.”

“Oh.” Dorina nodded. She bit her bottom lip, looking intrigued.

“Is that something you’re into?” Joshua asked.

“I don’t know,” she said, tilting her head. “Maybe. I think I might want to check it out.”

The three of them continued to chat while I made several festive signature drinks, including three glasses of cranberry Aperol spritz.

Felix excused himself to make a phone call, and Joshua moved over, taking a seat closer to me. “So, Grace, when your contract is up, you think you’ll become a member?”

“Maybe.” I placed a sprig of rosemary and several frozen cranberries into each glass. “I might need to save money for a while. Thank God my ceiling is finally fixed. But apparently, there’s so much more work to be done.”

I let out a long sigh.

Joshua nodded with a furrowed brow. “I understand you love your house, but it sounds like a headache to maintain. Especially since you’re there on your own. Why not just forget about the repairs and sell? They’d tear it down anyway.”

Dorina and I both gasped. I couldn’t even fathom my mother’s house being torn down as if it never existed.

“What? What’s wrong?” Joshua asked with a lowered jaw.

“The house is really sentimental to Grace,” Dorina said to Joshua, then gazed at me with sad eyes.

I nodded. “My late mother raised me in that house. She practically designed it herself and everything inside. It’s been my constant. My landing ground. I feel like, if I sell it and it’s torn down, I’ll have nothing left.”

“Well, shit,” Joshua said, resting his head on his hand. “I’m sorry. I had no idea. You’re really in a pickle. And not the good, salty kind.”

I shrugged, loading the drinks I prepared onto a tray. “All right, you two, I have to work.”

Joshua grabbed Dorina’s hand. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her.”

“Oh my God. Should I be worried?” Dorina wore a mock face of horror.

“Yes, yes, you should.” Joshua let out a sinister laugh.

My chest filled with warmth, seeing my two best friends getting along so well.

At a quarter to twelve, I was in the dungeon, delivering drinks. Bill Salinger, decked out in red leather and a mask, stood by one of the high tables. We made eye contact, and he nodded as I placed the drinks on the table. “Thanks, Peach.”

I bowed my head. “You’re very welcome.”

When I got back to the bar, Ashna was there, wanting to speak to me.

“Listen,” she said, pulling me aside. “We need staff for New Year’s to help serve drinks and champagne. If you want to make some extra cash, we’re paying double time.”

“Double time?” I repeated.

She nodded with enthusiasm, trying to convince me.

I winced. “I have a wedding. An employee’s wedding. I can’t miss it.”

“What time is it? Maybe you could go to the ceremony, stay for dinner, then head down. Like if you’re here by ten, that’d be perfect. We could really use your help, Grace. I’m in a serious pinch.”

I thought about the close distance between X-PLORE and the wedding venue. Then I did the calculations in my head. Between this extra shift and Gavin’s bonus, I had enough to buy nice gifts for the girls and pay my mortgage and bills this month. Maybe a little extra for myself. I could buy the black gown!

“Okay. I’ll be here by ten.”

***

A week before Christmas, I received a phone call from the boutique down the street informing me the scarves I ordered for the staff gifts were ready to be picked up.

“Here’s my card, and I’ll write my PIN down for you,” Gavin said, jotting his four-digit code on a Post-It.

I took his card and note with a confused furrow. “Is this your personal card?”

“Yes, why?”

“Oh, no reason.” I couldn’t believe he’d just give me his personal credit card and PIN as if it were nothing. “You trust me with it?”

“Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I? What are you going to do, spend all my money?”

He chuckled and removed his glasses. He reached into his pocket for a small gray cloth, then went on to clean his lenses.

I frowned, and he mirrored my expression.

“Oh, I’m teasing. But honestly, I don’t mind if you use it. In fact, go ahead and buy something for yourself. Spend a thousand. Spend five thousand. Whatever makes you happy.”

“Gavin, please.” I shook my head with an uncomfortable laugh.

Five thousand. He had absolutely no qualms about throwing that kind of money at me, as if it were nothing. It reminded me how opposite our financial situations were. And for some reason, it made my stomach twist into a Christmas bow.

The next day, Bill Salinger had a morning appointment for a posterior restoration. There was no way he didn’t recognize me that day at X-PLORE. Thankfully, he didn’t say a word as I sat him in the dental chair. It seemed we were on the same page when it came to honoring the confidentiality agreement of the club, keeping our nightly endeavors a private matter.

Gavin was just about finished drilling Bill’s molar. Bill had the nitrous oxide nasal hood over his nose with closed eyes. Suddenly, he reached over and touched my arm. It startled me. “Can I please have some water, Peach?”

Blood drained from my face. I glanced at Gavin, who looked at me with a furrowed brow, and then back at Bill.

I sat him up slightly and placed the cup to his mouth.

“Thanks, Peach,” Bill said with a crooked smile.

“Um, Bill. It’s Grace.”

“I knew it was you.” His voice was slurred, his eyes still closed. “Under that orange wig.”

“Up the oxygen a notch, please,” Gavin said, gesturing to the dials. I did as instructed, praying he thought nothing of Bill’s ramblings.

***

Two days before Christmas, I decided to head to the Eaton Centre to finish my last-minute shopping. Strangely enough, while the mall was jam-packed, the stores themselves were empty. After buying gifts for the girls and Dorina, I decided to stop by that boutique to purchase the black gown. However, to my disappointment, the one in my size was gone. They only had size six left. Yeah, right. The day I squeeze into a six. Maybe the dress wasn’t meant to be. Maybe the universe was telling me I needed that $300 for something else.