Bound by Obsession (Shadowed Souls #2)

32. Chapter Thirty Two

T rying to catch Garrett’s eye, he continues to ignore me, just as he has during our entire supply run. Huxley drives his SUV with practiced ease, knowing the route by heart now. Even before a guy at the supermarket counter gave me a strange look for tucking a strand of Garrett’s hair behind his ear, he was tense. Uncomfortably quiet. In my head, there’s no issue. I don’t give a shit what people say or think about me, it can’t be worse than what I already think about myself.

We return to a gloomy looking beach house, no visible lights on. I had no qualms about leaving Wyatt behind with just Dax as mediator between the two others. Avery has spent all day in the library whereas Wyatt has been a ghost since we rescued him the night before last, other than the occasional crashing and smashing inside his room.

No one said withdrawal is easy, especially since I stole his pill stash. It was an impulsive decision in an effort to hide them from the others, but it quickly became apparent that I’m not a suitable candidate for such a task. I couldn’t confess to anyone that I’d caved and taken one, wanting to feel the release he was so desperately seeking.

Lest to say, drugs are not the answer for a panic-attack sufferer. I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest, only just managing to crawl into Huxley’s bathroom before someone found me. I wish it had been anyone other than Avery.

Huxley is quiet as he parks, picking up on the tension in the back seat. The three of us empty the bags from the trunk, lining them onto the kitchen island. Hux does all he can to keep his distance, his head in the refrigerator as he organizes and makes room for the items we pass him. All the while, the other male in the room seems to be absorbing all of the air out of the room.

“Go upstairs and relax. I’ve got it from here,” Garrett finally breaks the silence between us and jerks his chin towards the stairs. I freeze, a tub of ice cream in hand. He relieves me of it and instantly turns his back before I can get a read on his expression. He might as well have slapped me across the face. Huxley avoids my confused gaze, so I take a few steps away. It’s like ripping my heart out of my chest. What did I do wrong?

I drag my sorry ass up the stairs, pausing outside a few doors along the way. I could seek comfort in someone else, but not even that feels right. I don’t want to see anyone, or moreover, I don’t want anyone to see me on the verge of tears and start asking questions. Entering mine and Garrett’s room, if it even is that anymore, I head straight into the bathroom and lock the door.

We’re breaking up. That’s what this is. I don’t know if we were ever really together, but the finality of it hits me like a ton of bricks. Stopping in front of the mirror hanging on the far wall, I close my eyes at my own reflection. I can’t look at myself right now, from the eyes that have received one too many compliments to the shaven head I cling to like a smooth teether when life seems to evade my grasp. Just when I thought the panic attacks were my only concern, Garret has gone and done what he always promised. He’s thrown me away, trusting Avery to pick up the pieces.

That’s all I am. What I’ve always been. An object to be passed around. I swallow hard, mentally preparing before flicking those hazel eyes open once more. Whatever I was hoping to happen, didn’t. All I see is that weak, fourteen-year old boy I once was staring back. Some days it’s easier to pretend he’s a distant memory, and today is not one of those days. I pace back and forth across the fluffy circular mat that sits beside the bathtub.

The ensuite is almost as big as the bedroom. Aside from a shower cubicle tucked into the corner, the overly large tub sits proudly in the center, facing towards a huge window. Being on the end of the house, the forest stretches across the horizon, thousands of glimmering stars covering the midnight blanket above. Being this far from a busy city life is an ideal break from glaring artificial lights and noisy crowds. Add in the campfire, the small town and simple way of living, a part of me would gladly stay here for good. But I know better than anyone, my nightmares will follow me anywhere. The view doesn’t matter if the turmoil I carry lives inside my head.

I should have done a better job at guarding my heart. But the way he looks at me sometimes steals the breath from my lungs. He knows me better than anyone else. He knows what I need without me having to ask.

I switch on the shower and strip out of my jeans and polo top. Entering the cubicle and closing the glass door behind me, I relish the cool spray of water raining down upon my shaved head. Using the shower gel, I lather the back of my neck and shoulders, trying to conjure happy images before the impending reality of what awaits in my room hits. Namely, an empty bed and all of my hopes crushed to dust.

In every scenario I can imagine, from a basketball game to picnics in luscious green parks or dinner at five-star restaurants, Garrett is in each one with me. With his wide smile and floppy brown hair that doesn’t have a favored side to rest on. His endless dark color of his eyes and contractionary lighthearted humor. Garrett can hide behind his bullshit jokes, but he was the first person to ever truly see me. I thought that meant something.

Stepping out of the shower, I pull a brown towel from the folded stack on a nearby shelf, roughly rubbing the material over my head. By the time I secure the towel around my waist, I’m feeling no less defeated and exit into the main room.

Garrett is waiting for me. Clothes have been laid out on the bed, which he gestures to before running a hand into his floppy brown hair. His dark eyes downcast, shifting nervously on the other side of the bed separating us. I stop, my heart slowly sinking. This is really it.

“Don’t overthink this, don’t ask questions. I hate labels. Just get dressed and meet me on the porch,” he says bluntly, shifting towards the door already. I frown, not taking my eyes off his. I want him to look at me, to explain.

“What’s happening?”

Garrett sighs in frustration and closes the gap between us so quickly, I fight the urge to step back. Covering my mouth with his hand, his pained eyes finally land on mine. “What did I just say? No questions.”

I swallow, attracting attention to my Adam’s apple. I can’t get a grapple on Garrett’s expression, but he’s not smiling so it can’t be good. In fact, he seems strangely on edge; his body language is rigid and breathing slightly labored. Stepping back and lowering his hand, he holds up his palm with all fingers stretched out.

“Porch, five minutes.” With that, he disappears through the doorway in a rush. I stare after him for a moment, then down to the clothes he’s laid out on the bed. Nothing fancy, a pair of navy tracksuit shorts, plain gray T-shirt and no boxers. My frown has yet to lift. Pulling the items on, I throw the damp towel into the laundry basket in the corner and sit on the edge of the bed to wait the full five minutes as requested.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Garrett flustered. He’s usually the most confident of us all. He hides himself deep inside to stop others from seeing his vulnerable side. Even I barely see it. Waiting an extra minute for good measure, I leave the room and head down the staircase. It’s late evening so the rest of the house is silent, only the groan of the wood beneath my feet penetrating the air. Passing through the living room and kitchen, I emerge onto the back porch where a faint flickering light catches my attention.

Small lit candles trail the banister leading to the built-in porch swing. A thick blanket covers the seat with a bowl of popcorn placed in the center. Garrett walks up the steps, a meter-long indent in the sand that shows I’m not the only one who’s been pacing. Avoiding my eye contact, he points to the swing for me to take a seat but I remain where I am.

“Sit in the swing, Axel.” He tries to use his Dom voice on me. I cross my arms and raise a brow.

“Why?”

“Because I-” he blurts out, almost angrily, before quickly regaining his composure. Rolling his tongue over his teeth, Garrett exhales and tries again. “I would very much enjoy it if you sat your ass on that fucking seat so I can casually sit next to you.”

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop from smiling. This isn’t a breakup. Garrett would never put so much effort into it if it was - he’d just jump out of a window and start a new life in a different country. To him, that would be easier than explaining himself.

“Is this a date?”

“No!” Garrett flinches and finally looks up at me. He appears to be in a state of anguish, his eyes sunken and hair even more wild than usual. “It’s just a mutual gathering between two b...bros.” I take my bottom lip into my mouth, that smile fiercely trying to creep out but I’m having way too much fun. Ten minutes ago, I was waving my life goodbye. Now I’m trying my best not to explode with laughter.

“Okay, bro . You can guide me to my seat.” I hold out my hand like a princess, and Garrett’s stunned expression is so worth it. Anyone would think I just offered to run him through with a machete.

“Can you not just-” Garrett groans, jerking his chin towards the swing a few times. I shake my head. Cursing under his breath, Garrett stomps up the wooden steps dividing us and takes my hand. I make sure it stays up in the air like a real lady, and when he lowers me into my seat, I hold it up until he kisses the back of it.

“Was that so hard?”

“Fuck off.” I chuckle. Not the best etiquette for a date but I am one hundred percent certain this is the first date Garrett has ever been on so I’ll let him off. Lifting the blanket, Garrett settles us both beneath it. The bowl is resting in Garrett’s lap, where I would expect it to be, as we face the landscape in silence. It’s too dark to see the sea, but the sky looks like a monotone Jackson Pollock painting, flecks of starlight filling the sky. The quiet lapping of water can be heard and as Garrett kicks off for the swing to gently rock, a slight breeze is cast over me. It’s nothing short of pure romance.

Gare lifts the bowl of popcorn and moves it towards me, intending for me to take the first handful. I blink in shock, although he will not take his eyes away from a particular candle on the timber railing in front of us. To anyone else, this would seem like the lamest evening ever, but I know better. Garrett doesn’t willingly share food, nor does he do dates.

Without pausing any longer, fearing he may think I’m freaking out inside the way he clearly is on the outside, I snuggle down further to rest my head on his shoulder and take a cluster of popcorn. Popping it into my mouth, it crunches loudly between my teeth. Slowly, as I keep eating, Gare’s body starts to soften and he joins me in his midnight snack. I dare not tell him I’m not a big fan of popcorn, nor am I hungry but I keep on eating, realizing this is about more than just food.

We sit together, swinging and sharing body heat until the bowl is almost empty. Garrett reaches over to place it on the railing and I gasp. There was still some popcorn left. Oh no, is Garrett sick? Is this one big ruse to tell me he only has a few days left to live? Luckily, when he sighs and starts talking, that’s not the revelation he says.

“I don’t do romance or flowers. I’m an asshole that pushes people away so I can never be hurt again. I don’t like to count on others and I’ll probably fuck this up too. Really soon. But you make me want to be better, Axel.”

He’s definitely dying. I sit upright and face him properly. That look of pain is still there, as if none of this is actually what he wants. As far as I knew, he was rather content being the asshole.

“Gare, you don’t need to do this if it’s just for my benefit.”

“Is that what you think?” Garrett’s eyes darken, his voice low, almost a growl. He runs a hand through his messy brown hair, visibly struggling to find the right words. “I don’t know how to explain...ugh I knew I’d fuck this up. I’m trying to figure it out because—” He pauses, swallowing hard as if the truth might choke him. “Because you make me want to try. And that scares the hell out of me.”

The soft creaking of the porch swing fills the silence that follows, the night air cool against my skin. I let his words sink in, unsure how to respond at first. Garrett, always the impenetrable, sarcastic wall, is now crumbling just enough to let me glimpse the vulnerability underneath. He’s trying, and that alone shakes me more than I thought it would.

“I know you’re not perfect,” I finally say, my voice gentler than I’d intended. “It’s actually what I love about you.”

Garrett exhales sharply, my words taking him by surprise. His eyes drift away from mine, focusing on the darkened horizon where the ocean whispers quietly to the stars. The tension between us is palpable, thick with unsaid things, but it’s different now. Less suffocating and more honest.

“You deserve better,” he mutters, almost too quietly to hear. “You know you do. That’s why this is so hard, Axel. Because you damn well stay anyway.”

My heart clenches. Like me, Garrett has always seen himself as broken, someone who could never be enough. If only he’d let a trickle of my affection in and then he might realize he’s worth so much more than he wants to believe. I reach out, taking his hand in mine in a solid grip. He flinches, but doesn’t pull away.

“I don’t want someone better, Garrett. I want you. I always have.”

The raw truth hangs between us, heavier than the stars overhead. His hand tightens around mine, the pressure reassuring. It’s not easy for either of us. I’ve got my own demons, and Garrett’s past is filled with a much different kind. Just like the home his parents neglected him in, he’s built a structure around his heart and shut himself inside. But right now, for the first time, it feels like we’re finally on the same page.

Garrett lets out a humorless chuckle, shaking his head as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You say that now, but—”

“No,” I cut him off firmly, leaning in closer. My breath skates over his clenched jaw. “I say it because it’s true. You think I haven’t seen all the messed-up parts of you by now? I know who you are, Gare. And I still choose you. Every damn time.”

He looks at me then, really looks at me, his dark eyes searching mine for something. Maybe he’s hunting for lies or doubt, but he won’t find any. I hold his gaze, willing him to believe me. The silence between us stretches on, and I can almost hear the gears turning in his head, the battle he’s fighting within himself. Then, finally, he releases a long, shaky breath.

“You make it sound so simple.”

I smile, just a little, trying to ease the tension. “Maybe it is simple. We’re the ones making it complicated.”

Garrett lets out a soft laugh, but there’s no humor in it. “Simple,” he echoes, the word rolling off his tongue like it’s foreign. Closing his eyes for a moment, he steels himself whilst the porch swing rocks us gently. When he opens them again, his expression has softened, the storm in his eyes calming just a little bit.

He reaches for me, sliding his arms around my shoulders and closing the last few inches between us. Pushing my lips against his, the entire world falls away. Our lips meet in a slow, burning glide, soft yet insistent. His breath was warm against my skin, sending a shiver down my spine as a connection instantly sparks between us with all of the words we can’t say.

The gentle pressure of his mouth deepens, his tongue poking out to lick my bottom lip. It’s an invitation I’ve had many times, but my heart hasn’t been so close to bursting out of my chest before. Opening up, Garrett ravages my mouth, his tongue quickly dominating mine and tasting every feeble movement I try in retaliation. He kisses me until I’m rigid beneath his hold, a slave to his desire. I’d give Garrett anything he wanted right then. He has the ability to cause my pulse to race as soon as his hand strokes my head, grounding me in the moment. Our chests are heaving, mirroring a steady rise and fall one after another.

A breathy laugh fans over my face as Garrett leans his forehead against mine. We huddle under the blanket for the rest of the night, our limbs tangled as we force the night’s cool air to stay out.

“You know I’m going to screw this up, right?” he murmurs, his lips brushing the top of my head.

I smile against him, the warmth of his body grounding me in a way nothing else ever could. “Probably,” I reply, teasing lightly. “But we’ll figure it out.”

We sit in comfortable silence for a while, the tension between us dissipating into the night. The candles flicker gently, casting soft shadows around us, and for the first time all evening, I feel a sense of peace wash over me.

Eventually, Garrett breaks the silence. “Axel,” he says, his voice soft and tentative. I lift my head to look at him, and the vulnerability in his eyes almost undoes me. Garrett, the man who hides behind jokes and sarcasm, who’s spent his life pushing people away so he doesn’t get hurt. But here, with me, he’s trying to face his demons head-on. “With whatever remains of my splintered soul, I love you.”

“I know,” I whisper, pressing a kiss to his jawline. It’s a quick evasion tactic to hide the welling of tears behind my eyes. Like I said, Garrett isn’t perfect and neither am I. But in this moment, under the starlit sky, it feels like maybe we don’t have to be. We can finally have validation. We can finally feel like we’re enough.