Broken Chorus (Road to Rocktoberfest 2024)

2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Adrift in a chlorine sea

Had he just been kicked out of the band he’d helped form?

Aaron pondered that as he stalked back to his condo, fingers occasionally brushing against the baggie in his pocket, still bulging with wonderfully pungent weed.

Well, technically that band didn’t exist anymore, so…

It still felt like being kicked out, and Aaron muttered several curses as he shoved open his door and let the cold of the place wrap around him like a silken robe.

Meh.

Kelly would cool off eventually and ask him back, he just had to wait for the stubborn bastard to realize that Aaron was right. They couldn’t just do some crazy rapid shift of direction and think they’d maintain their fans or their connections in the industry. It wouldn’t work.

Or at least, it wouldn’t work for Aaron, not when Kelly had been expecting him to sing as part of this little venture.

Their fans would think they’d lost their fuckin’ minds if their lyrics were suddenly peppered with bible verses and religious rhetoric. Not only that, but there was no way in hell Aaron would be persuaded to sing them, not with the way his grandparents had brow-beaten him with that shit from the time he’d gone to live with them to the time he’d gotten the fuck outta dodge.

They’d preached at him about the length of his hair, his grandfather’s heavy hand on his shoulder, pinning him in place as his grandmother had forcibly shaved it off. They’d burned his concert t-shirts in a bonfire, each of them a gift from one of him friends since no way in hell had he been allowed to go. They’d even dragged him before the preacher and demanded he repent for listening to devil’s music. His grandfather had wrecked his first guitar, sold his second one, and smacked his hands with a ruler until he couldn’t close his fingers around the neck of one when they’d caught him playing the third. At least Kelly had claimed it belonged to him so they hadn’t been able to take it away or wreck it.

Kelly had seen the bruises.

He’d listen to Aaron rant and cuss about all the ways he hated them and hated how they made him feel. He’d tried to help Aaron unravel the conflict he’d felt because he’d never thought of himself as bad, but they were constantly telling him he was, and that was just…

Devastating when it came from the people who were supposed to love him.

They’d shuttled him off to bible camp in the summer, separating him from his friends, who they’d called little heathens and done everything in their power to keep Aaron from having anything to do with. They’d scared him with all their talk about the sin of being gay and what should happen to people who were that way , so much so that he’d never felt safe coming out to them. They’d forced him away from the first person he’d ever loved…and refused to let him mourn in peace after Shane had passed away.

They hadn’t just believed in praying the gay away, but in beating the sin out of the sinner, even if it meant damaging someone in the process. Cringing, Aaron tried not to remember their hateful words following a news report about a young man just a little older than Aaron had been at the time, and how he’d brought it on himself, and deserved what had happened to him.

Hell, it had been the very reason he’d smacked Hawk across the face the first time the man he loved had dared to kiss him.

Shaking his head, he blew out a breath and forced away the memories before the tears that were prickling the insides of his eyelids began to fall. Thinking, that was the biggest problem right now. He needed to stop before he spiraled into a place where the weed would never be able to save him. What he needed was a distraction.

So, what would it be tonight? Monster movies? Natural Disasters?

Fuck it. Maybe he’d just load up a video game and shoot at things until the sun came up.

Naaa.

Then he’d just be awake, cranky, and listless. Sleep, that wouldn’t find him until he was well and truly exhausted. A long jam session would have taken care of that easily, but since it was off the table, he needed something else.

Something physical.

Just the thought of hitting a club and picking up some rando, despite the ease with which he could manage it, was exhausting and not in a good way. More like a mind-numbing, eye-rolling bit of folly that would force him to interact solely for the sake of seeking out someone who wouldn’t go all fanboy over him.

Shit, that would also require some measure of camouflage and eyes in the god damned back of his head to make certain no one was sneaking pictures of him, especially if he decided to do the do behind some dumpster in an alleyway. The one time he’d been caught in such a compromising position it had taken months for the photos to stop circulating on the internet. Of course, the only reason that bit of gossip had died down in the first place was that some sneaky asshat with a video camera had gotten lucky and happened upon Kazzy and three other guys in a hot tub orgy.

No matter what anyone tried to imply about the fans being in it for the music, sex sold, which meant nude or nearly nude photos of porn-worthy rock stars sent concert ticket sales skyrocketing.

Fuck this.

If he’d seriously just been cut from his band by his so-called best friend, then he was gonna have to pull his shit together and either form one on his own or go solo. Either way, before his ass got up on the stage again, he'd need to make damn sure it looked good in a pair of jeans.

Electric currents of energy kept dancing up and down his spine, leaving him a weird combination of itchy and twitchy despite what he’d smoked on the balcony. There was a solution for that too. He’d just roll another blunt, change into his swim trunks, bang out some laps, then smoke until his body was so loose limbed and relaxed he melded with the couch.

Better roll two then.

His inner voice was probably right in that regard, and while he could have added a solo jam session to the mix, the very thought of playing alone tonight threatened to kick off a whole other spiral of self-deprecating thoughts. Best to not even think about music. He could figure that shit out once he got a handle on everything else.

Like rolling.

Fifteen minutes later he had two beautiful blunts sitting on the tray, a pair of board shorts on and a towel over his shoulder. With any luck he’d have the roof to himself and a beautiful ocean of stars to gaze up at while he swam. It was his one, desperate wish the whole ride up in the elevator.

Up here the scent of chlorine replaced the gritty car exhaust smell that clung to the streets and the stars were faint, but visible, despite the city lights attempting to drown their beauty. What he wouldn’t give for a blackout, just for a couple hours.

He discarded his towel on a deck chair before jumping in, the smack of the cold water a startling shock that brought him sputtering to the surface, hugging himself to try and preserve what warmth he had left.

Stupid.

His teeth chattered and he mentally kicked himself for not dipping a toe in first. Would have been better than trying the rip the band-aid off approach.

Roll over, stretch out, get his arms and legs moving. It was only cold if he thought it was cold.

Time melted with each lap he swam until he’d gotten lost in the feel of the water.

It was a sudden burst of music blaring from his phone that jarred him out of his blissful nothingness and left him floundering in the pool, treading water and swiping at his face. He didn’t have to reach the phone to know who it was, he had special ringtones for each of his bandmates and Ozzy’s voice announcing All Abord before the intro to Crazy Train was purely reserved for Hawk.

Heaving himself out of the pool and into the cool night air, Aaron shivered all the way to the phone, dripping on the screen as his fingers slipped several times before he got it open.

“Hawk…what…” Aaron began before he was abruptly cut off.

“How the fuck could you walk out on the band like that!” Hawk snapped, voice so loud he might as well have been standing poolside with him.

“I didn’t walk out on nuthin’, Kelly kicked me out.”

“For being a dick, I’m sure.”

“For being honest! For fuck’s sake, Hawk…”

“Are you forgetting I was listening in on the audition tapes too?” Hawk interrupted. “There’s no fuckin’ comparison. Hands down, Micah and Declan outplayed everyone, especially Kazzy. So if you’re on a Kazzy kick ‘cause he’s somehow talked you back into his bed again, then you can forget what we talked about the other night. It won’t be happening! Not when you come visit this weekend or ever again.”

“Jesus, fuck, where did that come from!”

“Hearing that you seriously want to have Kazzy Malone of all people, out on the road with you! It’s hard enough for you to keep your shit together as it is, having him around on the daily will be like tossing a hand grenade in a firework factory.”

“I wasn’t thinking about fucking Kazzy when I said we should have him play.”

“Then what were you thinking about?”

“That he knows us, man, and we’re already chill with one another. Hell, he’s filled in for us when we needed a temporary drummer and it went fine. It wouldn’t be an issue getting used to having him around ‘cause he’s around anyway, whenever I pop down to Shenanigans.

“Which should be as infrequently as possible considering you’re supposed to be staying sober, not storming through a place where it’s as easy for you to get shitfaced as it is to breathe!”

“If Ray told you….”

“All Ray said was that you’d been in there several times a week shooting pool and hitting the stage with Kazzy and his cover band, which he appreciates, ‘cause people show up hoping to see you. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice you eyeing those bottles like a starving man, even if all you’ve asked for was root beer.”

“And let me guess, even if I asked for something harder, he wouldn’t give it to me.” Aaron spat.

“No, he’d give you whatever you wanted, but I can guarantee he’d tell me about it too, which, like the Kazzy thing, would also be a dealbreaker.”

“You keep talking like we’ve worked out something in the first place. All you’ve given me is a whole lot of maybes and we’ll sees. When are you gonna give me a straight fuckin’ answer! Will you give us another shot or not, or is that why you want me to head up on Friday, so you can cut my heart out in person?”

“I’ve given you the only answer I can right now! What you do with it is on you. I didn’t call you to talk about us. I called to talk about the band and you giving up before you even got started.”

“There is no band! Our band is gone. Dead. Buried. The earth has been salted, there is no room for resurrection, you know this. What Kelly’s wanting to do, that has nothing to do with what we created. I don’t see how he expects to play any of the old songs without you. No one can sing them like you do.”

“Bullshit. You can, so stop lying to yourself, me and Kelly! I’ve fucking heard you. I know what your voice sounds like when you’re not trying to stifle it, so cut the shit and tell me what the real issue is here so we can solve it and get on with the business of making music like we’ve always done.”

“Only it won’t be like we’ve always done, ‘cause you’re gone, Ethan’s gone, and Jason fucked right the hell off and told us all to go screw ourselves, remember?”

“How could I forget,” Hawk grumbled, the harshness in his tone bleeding to something melancholy and lost.

“Look, that was on him, not you. You’re doing the right thing.”

“Then how come I feel like I’ve ruined my best friend’s lives in the process?”

“Because Jason was a dick and said that shit to you.”

“Can you honestly tell me you haven’t been thinking it too?”

Sighing, Aaron wished he could reach through the phone and hug him, ‘cause it sure as hell sounded like Hawk needed one right now. “Not once, okay. Not one single time. I support you completely. The kids need you way more than we do. Your brother entrusted them to you for a reason. He knew you’d do right by them and give them all the joy and love they deserved, so quit thinking we’ve all turned against you, especially me. I wouldn’t have offered to help you with them if I was against you doing it.”

“Both of us didn’t need to quit making music. They’re my family. My responsibility.”

“Funny, I thought I was your family too, only the first time something came along to truly test that, you threw up a wall and cut me loose. Thanks for that, by the way, it feels fuckin’ shitty.”

“Tell me that isn’t what’s going on out there!” Hawk growled, the weariness giving way to pissed off again.

“You’ll have to be more specific, since there are a lot of things going on out here, most of all me missing the hell out of you! So which one are you referring to?”

“You did not fuck things up with the new band hoping that would miraculously change things between us?”

“Told you once already, I didn’t do anything. Kelly was the one who told me to leave, which in hindsight, was the best thing he could have done since I never should have been involved in the project in the first place,” Aaron said. “If all you called to do was threaten to hold our nonexistent relationship over my head, then fuck you. I don’t need it, and I don’t need you!”

He was about to hit the red phone icon to end the call, when he heard Hawk say wait in that whiplike tone of his that raised the hairs on the back of Aaron’s neck. Like anytime he heard that tone from Hawk, he froze and waited to hear what Hawk would say next.

“I’m not okay with this,” Hawk admitted, his voice having grown low and melancholy again. “It sucks, more than I can find the words to explain right now. If I’m pushing you away and being a dick, it’s because I don’t want you to go through the same things I’m going through. You know how I said I was gonna put in a music room?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it’s here, with all my gear, and it’s gathering dust ‘cause I’m too tired at the end of the day to step foot in there, let alone think about playing anything. There are moments, when Dani and Liem are napping and Ella is in school, when it’s quiet and I hear the rumblings of lyrics floating around in my head. Then I’ll notice the mound of dishes in the sink, or the laundry I keep meaning to fold and it all goes away. I can’t do the thing I love the most in the world and it rips my fuckin’ heart out to see you still able to do it and yet trying to throw it away.”

“I haven’t written anything either,” Aaron admitted. “Not since that last night in our hotel room, when we lay awake until after dawn working out the refrain to Shattered Beasts.”

Hawk let out a harsh sigh, his voice low and a bit shaky. “I still haven’t had the chance to hear you play it.”

“No one has, I didn’t finish the chords.”

“Why the hell not!”

“’Cause there is no song without you to sing it, so I didn’t see the point.”

“That is bullshit. I want to hear that song, Aaron, dammit can you do that for me, please?” Hawk tone dipped from sad to pleading, and Aaron would have had to be a cold-hearted bastard to say no to that.

“I’ll finish it,” Aaron muttered, reluctant, because it hurt like hell to remember the last night things were truly perfect between them.

“There’s something else I’d like you to do for me.”

Sighing, Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose. “Don’t say go back upstairs.”

“I’m not, just be quiet and listen, okay?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Be patient with me,” Hawk said softly. “I know I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length, and part of is because I knew that eventually you’d see right through me. I wasn’t ready to admit to anyone, least of all myself, how god damned much I miss the life we’ve had. I can’t lose you too, Aaron, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna lose you to Kazzy, booze, or some reckless bullshit so hold it together please. For me, and these kids who really want their uncle in their lives.”

“They’ve got me. I’d never do anything to fuck that up, Hawk, you’ve got to know that. I’d drop everything to be there for them and you, all you’ve got to do is the word and I’ll never leave your side again.”

“I know,” Hawk said. “And I promise, I’ll say it soon. I miss you too and it’s been hell thinking about the way we left things off. I never should have told you that having you here would be like having a forth kid in the house.”

“No, that was fair. I deserved that with how completely out of pocket I was on the last tour. There was no need for that level of chaos. I think it just got to the point where I was trying to stay at the top of TMZ’s bad boy of the week list. At least then I’d be the best at something.” Aaron admitted as he wrapped the towel around himself.

No way was he getting back in the pool now. The wind had picked up, dropping the temperature while they were talking, so Aaron slipped his feet into his slides and headed for the door, water dripping down his legs from his trunks and making his shoes squelch.

“I needed to quit drinking,” Aaron said as he stepped into the elevator to head back down to his unit. “It was getting too out of control. I should have stopped when I first started to hate the way it made me feel about myself, but I kept trying to rationalize it, make vows, and set deadlines I knew I’d never keep. The only good thing losing you did for me was make me see that I needed to make some changes before I wasn’t around to see if there could ever be other possibilities for us.”

“We both did. Maybe we can help each other get to where we need to be to make it work.”

“I’m willing to try anything but another one of those meditation retreats,” Aaron said, pleased to get a chuckle out of Hawk. “All that silence had me about ready to claw my skin off.”

“I seem to recall you leaving a few well-placed scratches on mine as well.”

“And if memory serves, you were the one who initiated the whole thing, then damn near smothered me when that mindfulness facilitator knocked on the door and reminded us that silence was supposed to be observed even in the privacy of our rooms.”

“And you bit me, you little shit!”

“So I could breathe, fucker!”

“Funny, I don’t remember you complaining about any of the other times I cut off your airway,” Hawk said.

“That’s because you were doing it with something far more interesting than your hand.”

“Damnit, you had to go there!”

“I just followed your lead.”

Hawk growled, and it seemed like the conversation was about to drift into familiar territory for them, one in which they used sex and innuendos to avoid dealing with the heavier shit. Only he was interrupted by the terrified voice of a little boy screaming about there being a giant spider on his wall.

“Shit…” Hawk groaned.

“Go.” Aaron said, disconnecting the call, though a part of him wondered what Liam had thought he’d seen and if Hawk would find anything more than a poorly placed stuffed animal, or a tiny house spider frantically scurrying to find a safe place to hide before it got squished. He’d have to ask the next time they talked, or Friday when he got up there, whichever came first.

Be patient with me.

Yeah. He could do that. It wouldn’t be easy, but then, not reaching out had already been driving him loopy. He’d been dealing with it, even if it had left him growly, frustrated and wishing they could talk the way they always had. He longed to sprawl out beside Hawk and watch a movie, laughing and bullshitting about the catastrophic number of explosions they managed to squish into 120 minutes.

As long as there was still a chance, he could do anything Hawk needed him to, including finish the song that had shredded his heart while they’d be writing it. If there was ever a string of words that embodied the breath and scope of their fucked-up relationship, it was right there in Shattered Beasts. The only thing he wasn’t sure he could do, was not fall to pieces while he completed it.