Broken Saint (Seattle Saints #1)

5. Ella

5

ELLA

“ T here he is,” I cry happily when Letty finally returns with a little bundle of energy in her arms.

Despite not seeing me for a long time, the second Kyan’s eyes land on me, they light up, right along with the widest smile I think I’ve ever seen. Both do wonders for my self-esteem. Add that to the margaritas and I’m feeling better than I have in a long time.

“I’m excited to see you too, baby boy. Are you going to show me your new moves?” I ask happily as Letty lowers him to the ground at the entrance to the kitchen. On the opposite side of the room, I’m sitting on the edge of the couch, excitedly waiting to watch the new development in his life.

It takes him a couple of seconds, but after a few wobbles, he successfully gets to his feet and takes a step.

“Look at you go,” I breathe as he builds up speed in his mission to get to me.

Tears well in my eyes as I fully realize just how much of his life—all of my friends’ lives— I’ve missed out on in the past few years while I’ve been drowning in misery and fighting for a relationship that I’m pretty sure was doomed from the start.

Isn’t it amazing the level of clarity a handful of Letty’s margaritas and a couple of thousand miles can bring?

“Kyan, you are such a big boy,” I praise, barely holding myself together when he finally gets to me and climbs up into my lap before I get the chance to do it for him.

Where did that tiny baby go?

You missed it, Ella. Just like you’ve missed everything.

With that depressing reality check, I pull him into my chest and drop my lips to his head, breathing in his scent.

“Look at those teeth,” I say when he smiles up at me.

My heart seizes in my throat as I look over his features. His skin is the perfect blend of Letty’s darker tone and Kane’s light. His hair is all her, dark and luscious, but his eyes…it’s like they’ve been plucked straight out of Kane Legend’s face.

One thing is for sure. Kyan Legend will be breaking hearts all over the country one day. If he has even half the skills on the football field that his father does, the female population is fucked. Utterly fucked.

He babbles away as if we’re old friends with a lifetime of things to catch up on while Letty prepares him some food, answering his baby talk as if she’s fluent. Which, I guess, she probably is at this point.

We chat away about him while I tickle his belly, making him squeal in delight.

Seriously, I could do this every day.

I know what Letty said about him struggling without Kane being around is true, but right now, he’s the happiest baby in the world.

He eventually gets bored and races off after a car he spots under the table before Letty sweeps him up and sits him in his chair.

“Like father, like son,” I joke as Kyan wolfs down his food like I’ve seen starving football players do time and time again. Thankfully, when Letty speaks, she doesn’t pick up on my reference to football players. Although, I’m not stupid. I know it’s coming. And I’m yet to make a decision about how the rest of this day is going to go.

“I’ve certainly never had any issues feeding him. This kid literally eats anything.”

Once Kyan’s belly is bursting at the seams, Letty makes us a late lunch before suggesting we head out to the deck. It’s a beautiful afternoon, and the second I step outside, I suck in a deep breath of fresh mountain air, feeling grounded for the first time in…a long time.

Seattle might be a long way from my home, but it feels much more welcoming and comfortable than Texas has been in years. The last place I remember feeling like I belonged was Maddison County. I might not have been with my blood family, but the one we made ourselves there was the real deal. Ride or die.

I just wish it didn’t have to end.

Letty joins me just in time to hear my pained sigh.

Kyan darts past me toward a box that I quickly discover is full of building blocks on the enclosed deck, and he dives in, leaving me in an ominous silence with my friend.

She doesn’t dive straight in, allowing me a few minutes to find my thoughts as we eat, but I know the questions are coming. They’re already pressing down on my shoulders, and she hasn’t spilled a word yet.

She finally sets her empty plate aside and looks up at me. I still, waiting for the blow.

“Did you ever find that yoga class?”

All the air rushes from my lungs. That was not the most obvious of all the things I thought she would ask me.

“Umm…”

“Ella,” she chastises, not needing to hear more.

“I know. I know. I meant to, I just…”

She watches me closely, reading Christ knows what on my face.

“When was the last time you practiced?”

I shrug. “It’s been a while,” I confess.

“It used to help you so much. I really think you’d benefit from?—”

“I can’t do it like I used to. My body…it’s?—”

“Out of practice?” she answers before I get a chance to.

“Something like that,” I mutter.

“We should do some. It’ll be like the good old days. Did you bring any workout clothes?”

“Yes, they were the first thing I packed before I fled,” I deadpan.

She rolls her eyes at me. “Watch him; I think I might have just the thing.”

I cringe the second she stands. There’s no way anything she owns will go anywhere near fitting me these days. She’s…as toned and as sculpted as ever. You’d never know she’d had a baby a year ago if she weren’t holding Kyan, and I’m…yeah…a mess.

“It’s okay, I have something I can pull together,” I whisper quietly.

“Ella?” she questions, but I keep my eyes locked on my plate.

“Have you finished? I’ll take these inside and see what I can find.”

Despite being terrified of how my body will react to yoga these days, I know I’m safe with Letty. Fear has been the biggest reason for not signing myself up to a class like I promised her I would. Doing it alone at home was too easy to push aside in favor of something else, like curling up on the couch and watching old sitcoms on the TV. But paying for a class is more likely to get me into action. Only, the fear of the other women watching me, judging me, was enough to have me retreat into my shell.

I’m no longer the woman who used to practice at least five times a week between classes and at home alone. I no longer have a body designed to twist up like a pretzel. Instead, it’s…broken. Ugly.

And that only becomes truer as I change in front of the full-length mirror in Letty’s guest room a few minutes later.

The last two days have been a reminder of how much I’ve been hiding away from reality, and I guess, temptation.

If I can’t look in a mirror, I can’t fall back into old habits.

Dragging my eyes from my reflection, I pull an old, oversized MKU t-shirt on and tie my hair back. I’m pretty sure I stole it from West before he moved to Chicago. But it’s been so long now that his comforting scent is gone, no matter how much I search for it when I lift the fabric to my nose.

With a heavy heart, I make my way back downstairs to find that Letty has unrolled two mats for us and has the TV on the deck loaded up with a class she’s selected.

I try to ignore the name of it.

Calming and gentle yoga for beginners.

“This okay?” she asks, watching me glare at the screen. “I thought starting slow would be good if you’re out of practice.”

“Yeah, it’ll be great.”

Walking to the center of the closest mat, I lower myself to the ground and try to fold my legs into half lotus. But I fail at the first hurdle, my leg pulling so much that my foot doesn’t get anywhere close to being in position.

“It’ll take time,” Letty says, watching me closely. “And today is the first day of your new chapter, El.”

She settles beside me, rests her hands on her knees and closes her eyes as the sound of nature and Kyan play out around us.

“Do you remember my first year at MKU?” she whispers.

“Of course.”

“You helped rebuild me from the ground up. Let me be here to do the same for you. That girl is still in there, Ella. You can find her again.”

With those words filling my ears, I focus on my body, trying to pay more attention to the things I can still do instead of what I can’t.

We only manage twenty minutes before Kyan gets bored of his building blocks and tries to join in with us, crawling between our downward dogs and attempting his own.

“Not quite as easy as it used to be, huh?” Letty says, sitting back on her heels to help Kyan instead.

“In more than a few ways,” I mutter to myself.

“This isn’t the end, El. It’s the beginning of something. Something you have the power to control,” she says hopefully.

She’s right, I know she is. But everything inside me is so conflicted. I want it. The new life, the happiness, the confidence I used to possess. But also…I’m fucking terrified.

What if she’s wrong? What if that girl doesn’t exist anymore?

“Do you mind if I go and lie down for a bit? Today has been…” I trail off, not really knowing where to start.

“Whatever you need, Ella.” She smiles at me as I awkwardly get up from the floor. I’m at the door, ready to escape inside when she speaks again. “You know what today is, right?” she asks hesitantly.

Sucking in a deep breath, I hang my head.

“Yes, I know.”

“Are you going to come?”

My heart begins to race, my stomach knotting up as a wave of panic rushes through me.

“You don’t have to decide now. We’ve got a few hours. I’ll make sure you have something to wear.” I take two more steps before she adds a little more. “I really think you should come, though. It’ll be like old times.”

Yeah, it will. And I’ve got no idea if that is a good thing or not.

I need to be moving forward.

Finally putting the past behind me.

I t took a while, but eventually, I managed to drift off to sleep in Letty’s incredibly comfortable guest bed, and when I wake, I must admit, I feel a little better.

My muscles are tender from even the short bit of yoga we did, letting me know that they still exist and are capable of doing exercise even if my brain has put a block on it.

I strip out of my clothes and step into the huge, powerful shower that awaited me in the connected bathroom. Just like in the bedroom, there are huge mirrors lining the walls.

It’s my idea of hell.

But I also can’t help wondering if I found myself here for a very good reason.

I needed to step back and take stock.

I’ve been allowing my insecurities and Chad’s control to run my life for too long now.

So what, I’m a little plumper than I used to be? So what, I have gnarly scars where my smooth, flawless skin used to be?

It doesn’t make me less of a person.

The people who love me, truly love me, don’t see all of these things as flaws. They’re just parts of me.

I scrub every inch of my body, keeping one eye on the mirror opposite me, desperately trying not to focus on the rolls of fat and the dents of cellulite that never used to be there.

You’re beautiful.

You’re funny.

You’re smart.

Men like curves. No…men love curves.

Curves are sexy.

I repeat that mantra over and over, and by the time I get out of the shower and wrap myself up in a huge, fluffy towel I’m beginning to feel better. A little more confident.

I blow-dry my hair and curl it in a way I haven’t done in…a long time before applying my makeup much more liberally than I usually would.

Letty is right. It’s time for a new me.

With smokey, dark-lined eyes and red lips, I toss my curls over my shoulder and march from the room to find something to wrap my body in that might keep the confidence coming.

I didn’t pack anything sexy. Hell, I don’t own anything sexy. But that doesn’t seem to matter, because the second I turn to the bed, I gasp, finding my best friend sitting there with something I’m not sure I want to acknowledge in her hands.

“You look hot,” she says.

“Thanks. I feel good. It’s been a while since I—” I wave my hand over my face.

“I bought this for the weekend in case you decided to come. I don’t want to pressure you into it, but I do think it would be good for you to get out, soak up some of the excitement and put everything you’ve just walked away from behind you. Even if just for the night. Hopefully, we’ll be celebrating and you can just…let go.”

Breathing in slowly, I take another step forward and hold my hand out for the jersey sitting on her lap.

A smile twitches at one side of her face, as if my interest alone equals my agreement.

Holding the navy-blue Seattle Saints jersey out in front of me, I think back to all the times we donned our purple Panthers ones over the years to support the guys. I think of the wins, the fun, the parties.

Fuck. They were really good times.

“So, what do you think?”

I stare at the Saints’ wings over the breast for a few seconds before my head starts moving of its own volition.

“Yes,” Letty hisses, jumping up to hug me.“We’re picking up Peyton on the way. She’s going to be so excited to see you.”

She squeezes me in a bone-crushing hug before running to the door.

“You have twenty minutes to finish the look. There will be more margaritas waiting for you in the kitchen.”

“Okay,” I breathe, but it’s too late; she’s already gone.

It’s only when I’m alone in the room once more that I allow the jersey in my hand to unfold.

“Oh fuck,” I grunt, all the air rushing from my lungs as if someone just swiped me with a baseball bat across the chest.

The number taunts me, making my head spin and my heart try to burst out of the safety of my ribs.

Already knowing what I’m going to find, I turn it around.

Rogers.

“I’m going to kill you for this, Scarlett Legend,” I fume, although, I can’t deny that it’s with a small smile on my face.