Broken Saint (Seattle Saints #1)

8. Colton

8

COLTON

“ A t what point did you decide that blindsiding me with that was a good fucking idea?” I bark at Kane as the three of us finally get done with the media and escape to the locker room.

“Thought it would be a nice surprise. Didn’t expect you to turn into a little bitch over it.”

“It’s just Ella, man,” Luc says, stepping up beside me. “What’s the big deal?”

There is no big deal. Or at least, there shouldn’t be.

Luca’s right. It is just Ella.

The problem, though, is that she’s never been just Ella.

She’s the only one who’s ever gotten under my skin and in my head.

And she’s probably the last thing I need in my life right now while my head is all fucked up.

I’ve no idea what’s made me reminisce over these past few weeks. Yeah, she’s always been in my thoughts, but nothing like recently. Maybe I just drowned her out with others. And as soon as I’ve stopped, there she is, taunting me with my mistakes and forcing me to think about what could have been.

It couldn’t, though.

Me and her. It never would have worked.

I’d have fucked it up. I’d have hurt her, and in turn, I’d have hated myself for it.

I’ve seen the pain relationships can cause. I’ve seen firsthand how it can rip people apart. And I want no part in doing that to someone I care about. Least of all, someone as sweet, caring, and loyal as Ella.

No. What I did was right.

We had our last time together and we both agreed that was it. That she was going to take off after graduation and embark on the life she deserved. And that was the last time we spoke.

I’ve heard snippets about her life from the others, but I’ve forced myself to stay off her socials, and I never ask about her.

It’s worked to a point. I’ve been satisfied that she’s found a new life, a fiancé, or so I’ve heard.

My fists clench. Just the thought of someone else touching her makes me want to punch something.

I just have to fucking pray that he’s good enough for her.

“You’re coming back to our place, right?” Kane asks as we head for our cars.

I already know Luc is heading that way. It’s how it goes after every home game. Letty and Peyton hang out together until they’re done. I’ve gone with them a few times, but I can’t say I’m a massive fan of being the single guy of the group, so I usually make my excuses and head off in the opposite direction.

I’d rather spend my night alone than watch the loved-up couples shoot sex eyes at each other. And it’s always worse after a solid win.

“Nah, I think I’m just gonna head home.”

Pushing my hand into my pocket, I drag my keys out and unlock my truck.

“Fuck off,” Luc barks. “You’re coming. You want to see her, right?”

I want to respond, but it seems I don’t have an answer.

Do I want to see Ella?

Fuck yeah, I do.

Should I see Ella?

For her sake, no. She’s engaged to be married and probably only here for the night to see the girls. She’s not here for me, and probably has no intention of looking me in the eye.

So why was she wearing your number?

“Huh, would you look at that,” Kane mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. “Our rock-solid, two-hundred and twenty-pound running back is scared of a five-foot-nothing blonde with curves for days.”

“I’m not fucking scared of her, asshole,” I grunt.

I’m fucking terrified.

Terrified she won’t look at me the same way she used to. Terrified that I’ll have to meet her fiancé. That I’ll have to forget how we used to be together and watch her have that connection with someone else. It’s one thing telling myself that I did the right thing, but having it right in front of me? Nah, I don’t think I’m strong enough for that.

“Good. So you’re coming,” Kane says as if it’s been decided before dropping into his car.

“Seems like fate, if you ask me,” Luc says. “Ella shows up the day you start questioning me about having committed relationships while playing football.”

“That has nothing to do with anything. I didn’t know she was going to be here.”

“Exactly. Fate,” he repeats.

“You don’t actually believe in that shit, do you?”

“Dunno. I guess it depends on how all this plays out,” he calls as he drags open his driver’s door.

“You know she’s engaged, right?”

“That’s never stopped you before.”

He slams the door, leaving me standing at the trunk of my vehicle with my head spinning.

I want to see her, of course I do.

But…

“Stop being a pussy, Rogers. Let’s fucking go.”

Movement over by the doors we just left catches my eyes, and the second I look up, I find Sawyer watching me.

My teeth grind as I remember them together all those years ago, only his face morphs into the image I’ve created in my head of what her soon-to-be husband might look like.

Yeah, fuck making it easy for him. If he wants her, if he’s good enough for her, then he’ll have to endure me and all the things I could tell him about his not-so-sweet future wife.

Fuck. My cock swells as I finally allow memories of my time with my little bombshell to flicker through my mind.

Hell, yeah. I need to see her again. And from the glimpse I got of her in the crowd earlier, it seems she’s just as mouthwatering as she was back in the day. No, that’s bullshit. She’s fucking better. She’s no longer a college girl. She’s a woman, and I can only imagine how breathing-taking Ella the woman will be.

I spend the whole drive to Kane’s house lost in thoughts of Ella and me in college.

I was an asshole back then. Hell, I’m still an asshole now, but I’m a little more self-aware.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t warn Ella that there could never be anything between us, but like most of the girls in college, that didn’t bother her. She was happy for a night rolling around in bed with me. In my head, that’s all I thought it would be. Satisfy my curiosity, have a taste, and then be on my way. It’s how it was with all the others. I never could have expected the two of us to keep finding each other. She was a habit I had a real issue trying to quit. And even though I knew she’d fallen deeper than I wanted her to, I still couldn’t stop. But I told myself that I never promised her a tomorrow or a forever, and she assured me that she understood despite the little heart eye emojis I could practically see in her eyes every time she looked at me.

Jesus, I really was an asshole.

It isn’t until I pull up behind Luc’s car that the doubt begins slamming into me again.

And as if he knows, Luc doesn’t go straight for the front door like Kane does. Instead, he lingers, waiting for me.

“You’re overthinking this,” he tells me the second I kill the engine, and he pulls the door open.

“Am I?”

“It’s Ella. She knows you as well as the rest of us. If she didn’t want to see you, she wouldn’t be here.”

“Did you know I fucked her the day she graduated?” I blurt, climbing from my car and standing in front of him.

He combs his fingers through his hair. “Uh…”

“Yeah, I dragged her away from her family and friends and took her where I shouldn’t because I was a selfish jerk, and I couldn’t stop myself. And because she’s Ella, she let me.”

“She’s not weak. If she didn’t want it, she’d have told you so.”

I shake my head. If I were anyone else then yeah, she probably would have said no. But she was powerless with me.

“Then I told her we were done. That she needs to start a new chapter in her life and put me behind her.”

“Ouch.”

I rub the back of my neck as shame burns through me.

“Her eyes were full of tears and her bottom lip was trembling as I walked away.” I hang my head. “I didn’t even look back when I heard her first sob.”

Luc’s jaw ticks as he stares at me.

Ella’s his friend too, and I half expect him to risk his right arm by taking a swing at me for that confession.

“You’re right; you are an asshole.”

His words press down on my shoulders, making them sag.

“Do you know what happened when she left that ceremony?”

I shake my head, feeling like the world’s most selfish bastard for how I treated her.

“Fucking hell, bro. You owe her a serious apology before you decide to bend her to your will again.”

“I’m not planning on bending her anywhere. She’s marrying someone else. She wasn’t mine then, and she really isn’t mine now.” Pain sears through my chest at my confession. Fuck knows why. I’ll stand by the decisions I made until the day I die. No one deserves to be tied to me. Especially not someone like Ella.

“You want her to be though, don’t you?”

My chin drops, an argument right on the tip of my tongue, but the words never materialize.

“Come on, man,” Luc says, clapping me on the shoulder and shoving me toward the house.

I swear to God, my legs have never felt as unstable as they do as we let ourselves into Kane and Letty’s home.

Laughter floods the air, but as we turn into the huge open space kitchen and family room, we don’t find them.

The open doors and the scent of steaks on the grill clue us in to where they’re hiding.

“Nothing like a successful game night to kick back with the best people in the world, huh?” Luc asks, throwing me one of the alcohol-free beers that are waiting on the kitchen counter.

Twisting the top off, I lift it to my lips and down half of it without even tasting it.

Luca continues toward the doors leading to the yard, more than ready to find his wife, leaving me trailing behind.

Knowing that I either bolt and pretend I never came, or I man up and walk out there like the world isn’t trembling around me, I make a decision.

One that I have every confidence I’m going to regret.

Ella has her back to me when I step into the doorway; it gives me a few extra seconds that I so desperately need before she turns around and I have to face all the stupid decisions I’ve made when it comes to her.

Peyton is locked firmly in Luc’s arms. Letty is sitting on Kane’s lap, a baby monitor on the table in front of them, presumably showing a peacefully sleeping Kyan. And Ella is sitting on her own with a drink in one hand and her cell in the other. There is no sign of a man.

It’s wrong, I know it is. But the relief that floods my body is indescribable. Facing her is one thing, but the man she’s promised her life to, is another thing entirely.

Peyton notices me first, her eyes meeting mine briefly before darting to Ella.

Time seems to stop as I wait for her to notice and turn around to look at me.

Letty’s eyes burn into me, and I finally force my legs to work; I walk around the couch she’s sitting on and make my presence known.

My shadow falls over her, and she stills. But she doesn’t look up.

Tension crackles around us. Nothing but the sounds of nature can be heard as we all wait to see what she’s going to do.

I make the most of those few seconds and run my eyes down the length of her body.

Her hair is lighter than it used to be, but it’s still as long and thick. Her face is still flawless, her makeup perfect. It’s her body where the differences lie. And fuck me sideways, is it incredible. My mouth waters, my fingers twitch, and my cock swells in excitement.

Stand down, Rogers. She is not yours.

My eyes search out her left hand, trying to find a ring there, but before I manage it, she looks up and my world tilts on its axis once more.