Ceridor (Danubian #4)

15. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

Johann

As I jogged through town, I let my mind relax and didn't overly think about anything. Exercise had always been good for me like this. It helped me to feel empowered and strong, as if by working my muscles I also strengthened my body and my will. If I wanted to be a warrior who fought under Ulbrecht, and maybe one day took over as regional petty king of West Danube, I had to be able to recognize when I needed a break because the stimulation had gotten overwhelming. And in situations when I couldn't immediately take that break—in the midst of battle for one thing—I had to have the skills to hold it together until I could do so.

This was where all the self-work I'd been doing for the past two years had come in. Though Effie had fully embraced the identity of a businesswoman and trained under Hilda with all her heart and energy, I'd pivoted into something of a monk who just happened to live at the inn and help my sister.

First, I'd worked through the texts on the psychological effects of child abuse, and started using the daily tools to retake my inner power and my brain function. It was fairly apparent to me after reading a bit, that I had some sort of neurological dysregulation. When I got overwhelmed it was like I had a beehive in my brain, going at such a high volume I couldn't easily put thoughts together or otherwise function very well.

The technique to counter it involved writing my fears and resentments on scrap pieces of paper, surrendering them to the gods, and then burning them in the fireplace at the inn. After that, I jogged over to the creek that ran through town, and sat on the bank quietly listening for twenty minutes, letting my mind relax and be soothed back into a state of calm by the sound of the running water. Druids had relaxed their minds and meditated by rivers, streams, and creeks some 2500 years ago, right here in what was then ancient Helvetica, part of Gaul. It felt cool to follow in such a mighty legacy.

My steady footsteps brought me to the creek. As I settled in, I caught sight of a very familiar cluster of rocks. I'd been right here, a couple of months ago, trying to calm my worries about Ceridor, when a small webbed hand reached out of the rushing water with a splash and grabbed my ankle. That was the fateful day Dunu had followed me home to become a fixture for Effie and me at the inn.

I didn't have paper or a writing utensil on me, so I did the exercise aloud, speaking my words to the creek and letting the emotions wash downstream and away from me. I couldn't go on a rant and place blame on everything I wanted to, because there was a specific format I had to follow. Everything needed to be either a fear, or a resentment.

"I am resentful at the fucks who attacked Ceridor," I began, "because I fear that my beloved could have died."

As soon as I touched upon that thought, I felt it all through my body: clenched tummy, tightened chest, and shortened breathing. Though I knew that with a mental push, I could dig deep into everything I'd ever resented or feared, right now I offloaded just what was flying through my mind.

"I fear that my beloved is more injured than he lets on," I continued, "fear that his injuries will be permanent, fear that this could happen again and I won't be there to protect him."

Fuck-fuck-fuck, this was hard.

I didn't let myself dwell on the darkness, just spoke as quickly as I could and released it into the creek. Some thoughts had slipped in on the jog over.

"I am resentful about my situation, because I fear I've been putting off my dreams for no good reason," I admitted, though it was painful.

But as soon as I'd said it, the water swept it away and the underlying fear showed itself.

"I fear that if I take my eyes off my sister, something will happen and she'll be taken from me," I admitted as tears burned my eyes. "I fear that now I'll feel that way about Ceridor too, fear I won't be strong enough to protect them both, or even just be nearby when they might need me. I fear something will happen to them and I won't be able to stop it."

That was the big offloading of fears, and yet my mind then asked me what about Magnus, and wasn't Effie strong also? She could defend herself, and Magnus would likely move in once I left. Plus, once I left, Effie could take on an apprentice to handle the evening shift I usually worked. And as for Ceridor, a possibility presented itself that I filed away to think about on the run back. Slowing my breathing, I uttered the release statement.

"I am now ready and I humbly ask that you, the blessed gods, remove these fears and resentments. I pray to know your will for me this day, and to have the strength to carry it out. Thank you."

I sat and listened to the water flowing and let the sun shine on me, cleansing my spirit of anything that might hold me back.

Ceridor

Johann holding me and coaxing me into a good sleep was so soothing I didn't even notice him get up and leave. An indeterminable length of time later, I slowly rose to awareness and gratefully noted that the nap had done its job and I was both calm and relaxed.

It seemed when I traveled, I managed to function, but every night I slept with one eye open for safety. Then when I got back here, to Effie and Johann's inn, I'd sleep for days, finally able to relinquish control because I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that the twins had me. Johann and Effie did shifts, with Effie up early to bake the bread before breakfast, and Johann up later until the inn closed for the night, so it was always covered.

Before that shift designation, once a drunk guest had come in late and accosted Effie. She'd screamed and Johann had run into the kitchen just in time to witness her clobbering the drunkard with a frying pan and sending him careening to the floor. After that, Johann took the late shift and made sure the guests were aware that they locked their doors at midnight, so any super-late drinking meant they could sleep on the road.

I loved finally surrendering my constant vigilant watch. Even the simple act of Johann coming into the room to check on me before leaving made me feel so warm and cared for. When I wasn't asleep I used this time to sort through my memories and notes from travel, categorizing things into what I would keep for myself, what I would report to Magnus in front of Father, what I would report to Magnus directly, and what I would report to Marit, the librarian warrior monk at Diana Monastery.

There was a lot of that last category these days.

Marit and I had become friends over the years due to our frequent correspondence. I'd send him folktales I heard on the road, and he enthusiastically copied them in order to integrate them into the monastery's library. He and his partner Corbi were people I knew I could trust.

My bardic apprentice Awariye was also trustworthy. He, and the other two, were close friends with the monk—Wren—who had taken over stewardship of the seven lantern gods who were rumored to protect the Danubian high king.

Awariye had experienced the power of the lanterns one fateful night at the side of Wren, and he now felt drawn to sing about the lanterns far and wide. I'd encouraged him to hold off for now. To sing about Ulbrecht the high king everywhere, but to keep this mysterious power a secret.

The ability of the lanterns to funnel some sort of energy into the physical world, to my mind, was indisputably dangerous. Even for someone as theurgically skilled as Wren—able to connect directly to the gods—the risk of being driven to madness was palpable. It had Ulbrecht scared out of his wits that Wren could lose his grip on sanity. At the Monastery, Wren had been viewed as something of a prodigy in terms of his ability to directly connect to the Divine, so if even Wren couldn't handle it, then I worried about Awariye's exposure to such power, and anyone else who might try it.

Since I had been practicing the monastery's magic for much longer than the younger monks, I suspected they might ask me to try being exposed to it and see whether I could handle it, especially since Awariye claimed that certain hymns had helped to funnel the power through. Part of me was insatiably curious, but another part was too cautious to try it. My duty first and foremost was to my little brother—my work as a traveling bard was a cover for the information gathering that I conducted far and wide in order to help Magnus as the future Regent of a border region of Helvetica.

Still, at our meeting a couple of weeks ago, Wren had said something to the High King that had struck a chord with me:

"Yes, the lanterns are changing my consciousness, and will continue to change me. But are you not also changed yourself, after every battle to protect your kingdom? None of us remain stagnant through life—for us humans, change and growth is the whole point of living. And yet, through all the different stages of self that we go through, we remain somehow us. There is a constant that follows us through the entirety of our lives, and for those who turn inward, that constant is likely their immortal soul. For me, I feel in my heart that this consistency of self is the part of me that holds my love for you."

Despite that brave and loving confession, I sympathized with Ulbrecht's worry in witnessing the lanterns changing Wren.

Marit had pulled me aside and asked what I thought, but in truth I didn't know. I'd been practicing magic for longer, sure, but that didn't necessarily make me wiser, especially in this case.

I'd gone looking for the monastery after leaving home at eighteen and had stayed there for five years in order to learn bardic memory techniques. As required at Diana Monastery, I'd also practiced daily ritual magic and fostered a relationship with a pantheon of gods. Such magic helped me to disguise myself and hone my mental capabilities, and a prayerful relationship with loving gods had healed me in very deep and soothing ways.

But even though the mechanism to funnel this protective power from the lantern gods was extremely risky, if word got out that it did indeed work, this was a power neighboring nations would be willing to invade for. Steal the lanterns, line up all the most talented mages in the land and have them try their hand at figuring it out. For the neighboring warlords, there was very little risk and only upsides if they could find mages to make it work, even if the attempt left a trail of corpses in its wake.

My nightmares were filled with images of increased turbulence in the areas I had passed through on my wanderings. It was only in recent years that this troubled area had been granted a chance to catch its breath after centuries of bloodshed, and it would only take a small push to send things back into chaos. That was why Ulbrecht's strength was so critical, because the peace he'd wrought was so precious.

As rumors spread, interest in the lanterns would put a large target on Wren's back. Awariye's too, and I knew firsthand that a traveling bard was vulnerable.

I'd sworn Awariye and everyone else to secrecy for now until we knew more about the lanterns and not just how they worked, but what the divine presences behind them wanted, or as much as we could decipher.

But with every week that passed, the songs the regular folk sang more and more included seven fires that fueled the Danubian Dragon.

Johann

The jog back across town slotted my thoughts together and gathered my will, my inner resolve to go after what I wanted lighting a flame within me.

Back at the Mulberry Inn, a sleepy Ceridor was drinking Effie's honeyed tea at the counter while my sister worked in the kitchen. She'd just come out with some stew when I stepped inside. " Hallo , Johann!"

"Hey, Effie," I answered, but I went right over to Ceridor and stood in front of him.

My lover's blue eyes met mine and he read what I wanted, standing up for a hug.

"It's your right arm?" I asked, wanting to be careful.

"Yes, just the right one," he replied, and indeed when his arms wrapped around me, his right one did so cautiously.

I hugged him, resting my cheek against his shoulder and smiling when Ceridor gave a little sigh and rested his cheek against my head. We stood there embracing each other for a beautiful moment while my sister left the stew for Ceridor and cooed about how cute we were.

When we pulled back, I cupped Ceridor's cheeks and kissed his sweet lips, petal soft. My lover gave a sleepy smile, but at least he looked a little more alive. No time like the present, so I delivered the plan I'd come up with on my run and while meditating by the creek.

"It's time for me to go fight under Ulbrecht," I said, "but I will ask for a condition from him. I also want a promise from you, Ceridor."

"What is it?" he asked, still blinking in surprise at my sudden announcement.

"I will ask Ulbrecht to allow me to go with you on your more dangerous missions. Otherwise I'll fight with his group. In return, I want you to tell me when you are going to be venturing into the riskier areas, and allow me to go with you as a bodyguard."

Ceridor stepped back and seemed to be thinking about that.

My sister chimed in. "That's great, Johann. This is your dream, and when Ulbrecht's regent is ready to step down or transfer somewhere else, you'll be right where you need to be in order to become the ruler of West Danube."

I met my twin's eyes and nodded, grateful she saw where I was coming from. Indeed, Effie and I had had many conversations about this.

She quirked a grin. "The campaigns should slow to a stop for winter. I therefore expect you both back for Christmas."

"Absolutely," I replied, warmed by her support.

Effie returned to the kitchen and Ceridor retook his seat on the stool, sliding the hot stew over. "How's your magical practice these days? I use my stealthing techniques to go undercover. If you want to guard me at such times, then you'll need to do some full-time training at Diana Monastery to make sure your skills are sharp."

Challenge accepted. "I haven't missed a day of practice. I'm ready for anything you throw at me."

"It won't be me," he responded between bites of stew. "It'll be Marit. He wants to revive the tradition of warrior monks from Diana Monastery's long history. Since the old codgers currently running the place object, he's been doing it quietly by reproducing the texts from past centuries that stipulated their warrior training. Ulbrecht has offered to let Marit found a branch of the monastery at his capital, as long as any resultant monks are loyal to him. Marit might take him up on it."

"If he instructs me in magic, then I'll fight him every day until he's as strong as I am," I offered.

"Good," said Ceridor.

We smiled at each other.