Chase Our Forever (Sutten Mountain #3)

24. Dean

24

DEAN

I come downstairs after putting Clara to bed to find the house quiet. Liv’s bedroom lights were off, and her door was open, so I don’t think she’s gone to bed yet. There’s no sign of her in the kitchen or living room, but one glimpse out the front window tells me she’s right where I should’ve known she would be.

Pulling my coat off the hook by the front door, I open the door and step out to the front porch. Liv sits on the porch swing, a thick blanket covering her lap as she focuses on the book in her lap.

“I should’ve known I’d find you out here,” I note. For it nearing the end of October, it isn’t too cold outside, but it still bothers me that she’s out here in only a sweatshirt with no coat. If she’s cold, she doesn’t show any indication of it as I take a seat next to her.

“Yeah,” she whispers as she closes her book and looks in my direction. “I couldn’t resist sitting out here and taking in the ambience of our carved pumpkins.”

My gaze travels to the three pumpkins sitting on the front porch steps. Liv was surprisingly good at carving pumpkins, even though she swore she’d never done it before. Clara kept her promise when she said she wanted the biggest pumpkin. It took her almost an hour to find the biggest one in the patch, and somehow, Liv managed to carve an impressive Olaf onto the front of it. Liv carved a mountain scene into her pumpkin while I’d settled on the classic jack-o’-lantern.

I stare at the group of pumpkins as I begin to rock the swing forward. Out of the pumpkins, mine is definitely the least impressive, thanks to Liv’s surprise pumpkin-carving skills.

It’s quiet between Liv and me for a few moments as I try to think of what to say. I know I was a bit of a dick to her earlier for no reason. Well, I had a reason—I hated seeing her with my brother for reasons I don’t want to look into. But it isn’t a good reason, and because of that, I know I owe her an apology. I just don’t know how to get it out.

“Thank you for letting me tag along today,” Liv finally gets out. She anxiously chews her lip as her eyes dart around the space. I have to look away, finding myself too drawn to her. I can’t help it—there’s some kind of magnetic force to her that pulls me in and makes me never want to look away.

I blink a few times, my focus on my lap for a moment as I wonder why she seems so anxious about saying that. She must take my silence for indifference because she begins to speak again before I can get my thoughts together enough to respond.

“I understand maybe you want the weekends for just time with Clara and your family, and I’m sorry that I intrude?—”

“Stop.” My tone comes out harsher than I want it to, but I can’t help it. She clearly thinks the reason I was acting up today was because I didn’t want her to come. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The problem is I wanted her to be there a little too much. I wanted her with me the entire time and hated when she left with Reed.

I was jealous because, despite knowing I shouldn’t be, I’m attracted to her.

“Sorry,” she whispers. She shifts on the swing, pulling the blanket tighter around her body.

I shake my head, pinching the bridge of my nose as I try to think of how to explain to her that my mood today wasn’t her fault. If I tell her the truth, she’ll probably think I’m some creepy boss and quit immediately. She doesn’t need to know the electricity I felt with my hand on her thigh or the jealousy that thrummed in my veins seeing her smile at my brother. It’s completely inappropriate, and I need her to stay for Clara.

With a sigh, I try to pull together a response that won’t make her want to quit immediately. “I wanted you there, and I know Clara did, too. I was an asshole today for no reason, and I’m sorry.”

I owe her not just the apology but an explanation as well. The problem is I’m blanking on any sort of explanation that won’t send her running for the hills.

“It’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t upset with me for coming. I’d just never been to a pumpkin patch, and Clara’d been so excited about it all week, so I?—”

“Liv,” I manage to get out through gritted teeth. My eyes meet hers. The blues of them seem darker under the dull porch lights. “You can come to any family thing you want. You’re always wanted there.”

“Even to Sunday brunch tomorrow? I want to snuggle Honey before she gets adopted.” She smiles, and those damn dimples pop up on either side of the corners of her lips. I wonder what they taste like.

I shake my head from the sudden thought and tilt my head to the side. “ Honey ?”

She nods, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. “Yes. Clara and I named her Honey. She’s our favorite. Clare Bear and Honey Bear. The perfect pair.”

I can’t help but laugh. “I wasn’t aware you named the dog.”

She tucks her chin over her knees. “I know naming her was a bad idea because it means we’re attached, but we couldn’t help it. She’s so chill and sweet. Clara and I just fell in love and thought she needed the perfect name before getting adopted.”

“She’s been begging me to bring home that damn puppy,” I remark. The porch swing squeaks as I continue to use my foot to swing us back and forth.

“Does begging help? I’ll start begging, too, if that’ll get the job done. Clara would love to have a friend here.”

“Funny, she told me tonight you were her best friend.”

Liv rolls her eyes. “I meant a furry friend. I’m glad she told you that, though. I’ve had the best week with her.”

I sigh before looking ahead of us. I need a moment from looking into her blue eyes. I’m scared that she’ll see the things I don’t want to admit if I stare into them too long.

“She had the best week with you, too. Every night I tuck her in, she asks if you’ll still be here in the morning.”

Liv’s quiet for a moment before she clears her throat. “That’s really sweet.” Her voice sounds heavy with emotion.

I let the silence hang between us for I don’t know how long. I love the sound of her voice, but I also appreciate the silence with her, too. We’ve had a lot of silent moments together here on this front porch swing. They mean more to me than I care to admit.

“Can I tell you something?” I ask, my voice rough. I don’t have the nerve to look at Liv, so I keep my eyes pinned forward.

“You can tell me anything,” she whispers.

“Today was the first time I’d gone to the pumpkin festival since Selena passed. It was always her favorite event of the year. She’d dreamed about taking Clara…but she never got to.” My words trail off. They feel heavy as I remember all the times Selena and I roamed that same pumpkin patch. During our first year of dating, I’d tried to impress her while carving the pumpkin we’d picked out and ended up almost slicing the top of my thumb off. I have so many memories with her there, and the festival was something that broke me to go to with Clara but without Selena. “Clara’s gone with my family the last two years. I haven’t been able to until today.”

“I bet today was hard,” Liv responds. Her voice is soft and comforting, soothing the dull ache in my chest at admitting this was the first time I was brave enough to actually go to the festival.

“I wanted to turn around the whole way there. But then I looked over at you, and you were excited to go, and Clara was so excited to go, too, and suddenly I knew I wanted to as well. No matter how hard it was going to be.”

“I never would’ve pressured you to go if I knew how hard it was. I’m sorry for?—”

“Don’t apologize,” I demand, finally mustering up the courage to look at her. “I didn’t tell you this to make you feel bad. I’m telling you this because I thought today was going to be gray and cloudy. And while it stung, and I know I was an asshole for the majority of the day, you were sunshine on a cloudy day. Even when I probably didn’t deserve it, you were kind and warm. It meant a lot to me.”

“I shouldn’t have left with Reed.”

I sigh as my head falls backward. I can tell myself I didn’t want her going off with Reed because I wanted her company due to the toughness of the day, but I know it wasn’t really that. I was jealous because of my attraction to her. Simple as that. “Don’t say that. You’re free to do what you want, Liv. I just wanted to explain myself a little.”

I can’t admit to her that I was jealous, but it does feel a little freeing to tell her today was my first day back at the festival. It’s always been hard to talk about Selena, and I know it’ll always hurt to talk about her. But for some reason with Liv, I want to talk about Selena more. Maybe it’s because Liv never met her. Or maybe because Liv will be spending so much time with Clara that I want Liv to know about the woman that makes up half of my beautiful daughter.

Or maybe there’s something about Liv that makes me want to open up. To not carry the weight of my hurt alone.

“Hey, Dean?” Her words break me from my thoughts. I love the sound of my name coming from her lips. It’s only now that I realize I haven’t heard her say it a lot, but I want to hear her say it again.

My eyes roam her face. She’s so beautiful with her heart-shaped face and big blue eyes. “Hm?”

Her eyes scan my features cautiously, as if she doesn’t know if she’s allowed to say what she’s about to say. She takes me by surprise by reaching out and placing her hand over mine. “You don’t have to…but if you want to talk about Selena, you can. I know it might be hard to talk about her with people who knew her because their grief tangles with your grief. If you just want to talk about her life without being reminded of her death, I’m here. I’d love to hear about her.”

I swallow past the thickness in my throat. My emotions threaten to spill out at her offer. I welcome the feeling of her hand over mine. Just the small amount of contact soothes something deep inside me.

Selena was incredible. I loved her with every fiber of my being, and I thought she’d be my forever. Liv’s words make me realize that maybe all this time, I’ve been avoiding talking about Selena with anyone because I didn’t want to talk about her death. She was so much more than the tragedy that ended her life far too soon.

But maybe Liv has a point. Maybe I should be talking about her but instead focus on the countless amazing memories. She deserves that.

“You wouldn’t mind?”

Liv smiles, showing off those deep dimples of hers I suddenly have a fascination with. “Not at all. Whenever you’re ready, I’d love to know more about her.”

I stare at her, wondering how of all the small towns she could’ve decided to stop in, we were lucky enough for her to stop in ours. “That’d mean a lot to me,” I manage to get out through the thickness in my throat.

She takes her hand off mine and leans back in the swing. She keeps her knees tucked to her chest as she gets comfortable. Her eyes don’t move from me once as she patiently waits for me to start talking.

I want to say something, but I can’t. I’m too lost in the heaviness of the moment. The way she’s staring at me right now wakes up something deep in my chest. I try to take a deep breath in to stop the hammer of my heartbeat.

She cares so much. Enough to sit here and listen to me talk about the wife I lost, even though I was an ass to her today. I stare into her blue eyes and realize that something I never thought would happen is happening.

I care about Liv.

And because I care about her and trust her, even though there’s so much about her I don’t know, I begin to share with her things about Selena that I haven’t brought myself to talk about in a long time.