Chase Our Forever (Sutten Mountain #3)

34. Liv

34

LIV

A cool breeze ruffles the pages of the book in my lap. Honey lets out a little snore at my feet as I rock back and forth on the porch swing. It’s chillier outside than I was expecting, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to just sit in the fresh air tonight. I needed a way to clear my head after the events of today with Dean, and coming out here has done just the trick. At least a little. Even as I try to get lost in the pages of my story, my mind still wanders to Dean.

No matter how many times I try to push away the memory of his lips on me, I can’t. It’s like I can still feel them against my own. Against the swell of my breast. My hip. On my inner thigh. And then…against my pussy.

Despite the cold, my cheeks warm as my mind drifts to places it shouldn’t. It was the first time a man has ever gone down on me like that, but I know it can’t be normal for it to feel that good. To feel so perfect. It’s like every time he pressed a kiss to my skin, he was branding the memory of him—of us—in my mind forever.

I’m remembering the crazed look in his eyes moments before he gave in and finally kissed me when the man himself opens the front door.

“Hi,” he says, his voice low as he waits in the open doorway. He stands there, as if he’s wanting permission to step out here and join me.

I adjust the thick blanket on my lap and scoot over to make room for him. “Hey,” I respond, giving him a soft smile.

My heart does a little leap in my chest when he pulls the door shut behind him and sits down next to me. The swing creaks under his weight. Almost instantly, he takes over being the one to push the swing back and forth.

“At this point, I should start checking out here to find you before ever looking in your room.”

I smile at his words as I shut the book in my lap. “It’s so peaceful out here. There’s no bugs, and it isn’t humid. I’d spend all night out here if I could.”

The smallest of frowns appears on his lips. “It’s too cold for that,” he mutters, his thick, gravelly voice sending shivers down my spine. I could listen to the deep tenor of his voice all day long. Even hearing him talk turns me on and gives me butterflies, something I fully recognize shouldn’t be the case, but it is anyway.

“Clara asleep?” I ask, changing the subject. From the moment his parents and Clara caught us in the laundry room, we’ve been nothing but professional with each other. It’s been friendly, at least, as we all spent time together into the evening. I was scared he would fully pull away like how he was with me when I first started, but he didn’t do that this afternoon. He just didn’t act like he’d had his face between my thighs earlier as we went about our day.

“Yeah, she fell asleep while I was reading her fifth book of the night.”

I let out a little laugh. Somehow, she’s talking us into reading more and more books to her before nap and bedtime. She’s incredibly hard to say no to, so her requesting Dean read her a fifth book could be partially my fault. “I’m sure she was tired after running around and chasing Honey.”

Dean leans forward and looks at the sleeping puppy at my feet. “Seems like it wore Honey Bear out, too.”

His use of her nickname makes me smile. I like that he’s using the one I came up with. “She’s not used to that much exercise. I think we managed to pick out the laziest puppy ever.”

“I still can’t believe you two talked me into her,” Dean mutters, shaking his head. He leans back on the swing, outstretching his arms so far that one of them goes behind my back.

“I still can’t believe you said yes.” I pull my feet up onto the swing with me and cross them. If Dean’s going to rock the swing for us, I might as well get comfortable.

I look up from adjusting my position to find Dean staring at me. He wears a blank expression, but not one of indifference. This one makes it seem that he’s thinking hard about something. I’d give anything to get in his head and figure out what.

Is he regretting kissing me? Regretting letting it progress the way that it did? With our proximity, is he thinking about finishing what we started as much as I am? Just having his smell surround me makes me want to close the distance between us and continue where we left off earlier.

The tightness in his shoulders loosens as he lets out a deep breath. “We should probably talk about earlier,” he offers. I wish I could get a read on his demeanor and tone. It doesn’t sound like there’s regret, but he does seem a little sad.

My smile wavers a little at his words. “Probably,” I respond softly. My stomach drops a little with nerves and anticipation.

“You don’t have any regrets about us kissing, right?” he asks, his voice tight and unsure. He scratches his chin as he watches me carefully. “Or regrets about the laundry room?” he adds, his voice a little quieter this time.

“I don’t. Do you?”

My muscles relax a little when he shakes his head. “Not at all. Part of me wishes I could. It’d be a lot easier to do the right thing if I did have regrets. But I don’t.” His voice gets husky as he swallows, his eyes dropping to my lips for a moment before returning to my eyes. “I’m glad I kissed you, sunshine.”

My heart leaps at the nickname. He called me his sunshine on a cloudy day, and it’s something I could never forget. I’d do anything to be a positive light for both him and Clara. His use of the nickname makes me feel like maybe I am. “I’m glad you kissed me, too, Dean.”

He reaches across the space between us and cups my cheek with his hand. His callused fingers run over the tender skin of my cheek. Just by the look in his eyes, I know what he’s going to say before he says it.

“But we can’t kiss again.” His voice is sad, and his words break at the end. It makes me sad for him. For us. For the situation we’re in. I understand why he’s saying it, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“I know,” I respond, my voice barely above a whisper.

“You scare me,” he admits. Of all the things I thought he’d say back to me, it wasn’t that.

I lean into his touch, my eyes curiously roaming over him in an attempt to get a read on him. “How?”

“Because the way I care about you, it doesn’t feel like we only met two weeks ago. I’ve let you in when I don’t typically let people in. Clara’s let you in. She loves you, and because of that, I can’t kiss you again…no matter how badly I want to.”

I nod as I try to gather my thoughts. He keeps his hand pressed to my cheek, his thumb caressing my cheekbone, as he gives me all the time I need to think of a response. I want to tell him that no matter what happens between us, I’d never let it get in the way of being Clara’s nanny. I want to be in her life for as long as possible.

I’ve fallen in love with the little girl in the two weeks we’ve spent together, and the last thing I could ever do is hurt her. But I keep all of that to myself because I understand why Dean’s worried. I would be, too, if I were in his position.

“Say something.” He slides his hand to the back of my neck. I wish I didn’t find so much comfort in his touch. I wish he wasn’t my boss. I wish he could allow himself to open up more, to go after what he wants.

“I understand,” I tell him, knowing that’s what he needs to hear. “I don’t blame you. I want you in a way I’ve never wanted someone else. The attraction…” I let out a sigh as I try not to think about how close he is and how easy it’d be to close the distance between us. “The attraction is there. I’ve never had that kind of physical connection with someone. But I also…” My words trail off as I try to think about what else I want to say and how I want to say it.

“Feel more than just the physical?” Dean offers.

I nod as I look into his whiskey-colored eyes. “Yes.”

“That’s the part that scares me,” he whispers. “I’ve known you for a short time, but things just feel right. But you’re not meant to stay in Sutten forever. And I’m a broken man who can’t give you anything, even if you had plans of being here long-term. I can’t get hurt again. I can’t hurt Clara.”

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I wrap my arms around his neck and crawl into his lap. He instantly wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me against his body. I nestle my face into the crook of his neck and savor being in his embrace. I know it won’t happen again.

“I won’t hurt you, Dean.” My lips move against his neck. “I won’t hurt Clara.”

I can feel his intense sigh of relief. His entire body slackens against mine. It makes me sad. This man is so terrified of losing people that he chooses to close himself off from them instead. I push off his chest a little so I can look him in the eyes with my next words.

He doesn’t move me from his lap, and I don’t move, choosing to make this moment last for as long as possible. “I can’t imagine leaving anytime soon. I’m here. And I understand we should stop the kissing and the…other stuff.” A blush creeps onto my cheeks at the mention of what else we’ve done, what else we were going to do had we not been interrupted. “But please don’t shut down on me. I still want to be the person you open up to. I want to keep these late-night porch swing talks and the coffee together in the morning and all of it.”

His fingers twitch against my lower back as he keeps my body pinned to his. “I want to keep those, too. And I’ll try not to. I’m not used to…” He pauses as he tries to think about what else to say.

“I know,” I finish for him, not needing him to say anything else. I don’t want to force him into thinking he has to share his every thought with me. I just need him to know that the unlikely friendship we’ve built in the last two weeks is something I want to hold on to. Even if I still think about kissing him as well.

Dean leans forward and rests his forehead against mine. Our breaths fall in sync, and I don’t know how long we sit there, forehead to forehead, enjoying the comfort of each other’s touch for the last time. “Thank you,” he whispers. “For understanding.”

I nod before climbing out of his lap. I miss feeling his touch the moment I’m gone, but if things need to go back to being somewhat professional between us, I should probably start by not sitting in his lap.

I plaster on a smile as I get comfortable on my side of the swing a safe distance away from him. I take a deep breath. I can do this. I can be the friend he so clearly needs. “So tell me what your Halloween costume is going to be on Monday.”