Chase Our Forever (Sutten Mountain #3)

36. Dean

36

DEAN

Today’s been a shit day. I sit in my parked car in the garage, enjoying a moment of quiet before heading inside.

Everything that could’ve gone wrong today did. A huge commercial deal I’ve been working on to bring a lot of jobs and tourism to Sutten might not happen because of drama outside of my control. The town was very excited about this complex possibly coming into town, which means I was excited, too. It’s hard navigating the happiness of the locals here and making them feel like Sutten stays the small town we love, but also bringing in more opportunities for the town to grow the right way.

This was supposed to be it.

And it might not happen, and I can’t do anything about it.

Add in the fact that Tonya was out sick today and I had to manage more than I normally do.

It was rough.

Not to mention, it’s Selena’s birthday. She absolutely adored birthdays, and today hits harder than others. I know she would’ve loved celebrating with Clara. She would’ve made a big deal out of today and the entire week, milking her birthday for everything. I pretended to give her shit about making it a birthday month or week instead of a day, but deep down, I loved it.

I’ve been so happy recently with things going so well with Clara and Liv that I almost feel guilty. Am I supposed to be happy even though I lost the woman I loved? I was ready to celebrate every single birthday with her until the day that I passed.

I always kind of assumed it’d be me who went first. I never thought it’d be her. I grieved her for so long and shut myself out to the world, but now I’m finding a balance between missing her and also learning to live with the grief.

Learning to allow myself to be happy despite what’s happened. And sometimes the guilt for that hits hard, like today on her birthday.

I sigh, raking a hand over my mouth as I question if I’m a shit father for not having an elaborate day planned to celebrate her mother. I’d planned on taking her into town this weekend and picking out some flowers to visit Selena’s grave. Liv had inspired me to tell Clara more about her mother, and I wanted to do that with maybe a picnic or something at her grave.

But now, I’m wondering if I should’ve had more planned for the actual day.

I lean back, letting my head fall to the headrest. I can’t help but wonder if there will ever be a time where I don’t second-guess every single one of my decisions as a father. They never seem right, and I can’t even talk them through with Selena because she isn’t here to help me make them.

I close my eyes and allow myself a few more moments of grief before heading inside. Despite the shit day, the sadness that comes with the date, and the fears I have about how I’m doing as a father, I’m excited to see my daughter. Everything feels right when I get to wrap my arms around her and remind myself that even with all the pain, she’s the best thing to ever happen to me.

I’m also excited to see Liv. I can’t deny that a big factor in my happiness recently is because of her. And I can’t shake the guilt—and unease—I feel at allowing someone who isn’t my daughter into my life enough to affect my happiness.

With a sigh, I push the truck door open and head inside. It smells delicious. One of my favorite parts of the day has easily become getting home from work. It’s the way that Honey comes running to me every time, her tongue lolling out of her mouth as she immediately rolls over at my feet for belly rubs.

She does that right now. I’ve barely got the door to the garage shut before the puppy is begging for pets. I crouch down for a moment and give her what she wants, unable to resist the dog, even though I swore I didn’t want her. She’s grown on me more than I thought she would. But I guess that’s the story of my life recently.

I’m more open to letting things in than I thought.

The sound of faint laughter coming from deeper inside the house has me giving Honey one last belly rub before standing back up. The biggest reason coming home from work is one of my favorite times of the day is because I love coming home and seeing what Liv and Clara are up to. I can almost always count on them laughing and goofing around when I walk through the door. Sometimes, they’re in the kitchen cooking together; other times, they’re dancing in the kitchen and belting out lyrics to songs I don’t know as Liv cleans up.

But they’re always happy. Clara’s always happy. And fuck, seeing Clara happy and seeing Liv’s smile…well, it makes me happy, too.

I walk toward the kitchen, wondering what Liv made for dinner because it smells incredible. My stomach growls in anticipation.

“Hi!” I call out, wondering why Clara hasn’t already run up to greet me. Most nights, the moment Honey comes running to me, Clara will closely follow.

“In here,” Liv responds from what sounds like the kitchen.

I round the corner and stop in my tracks at the sight before me.

Clara and Liv are in birthday hats with a birthday banner strung up behind them.

“Surprise!” Clara yells, holding her hands out wide. The birthday hat goes a little lopsided with the movement, but she doesn’t care to fix it.

I can’t move as my eyes roam the space in front of me. There’s a birthday cake sitting in front of the girls with candles carefully placed all around the top. There’s a wrapped present sitting next to it.

A flash of movement catches my attention. Clara runs to me, her arms wrapping around my legs as she gives me a big squeeze. “It’s my mama’s birthday today, Daddy. Livvy said we should celebrate.”

My throat feels tight as I take a step back in shock.

She’d planned a birthday celebration for Selena.

I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out. Emotion clogs my throat at the sheer thoughtfulness of the sight in front of me.

“Daddy?” Clara says, pulling her head back so she can look up at me. “Do you like it? We decorated, and we made cake!” She jumps up and down at the word “cake.”

My eyes lock with Liv’s, and so many things run through my head. The biggest being I have no idea what I did right in my life to deserve her. She never met Selena. I didn’t even know she was aware when Selena’s birthday was. Yet, here she is, making sure that I’m doing what I told her I wanted to do—celebrate Selena’s life instead of focusing on her death.

“I love it,” I finally manage to get out as Clara grabs my hand in hers. My words come out gritty and nowhere near as composed as they should be, but I don’t care. I hope that Liv can hear the emotion in my words.

Clara pulls me all the way to the counter, where a messily decorated birthday cake sits that reads “Happy birthday Mama.” My eyes burn as I take it all in.

“I decorated the cake myself,” Clara announces proudly. “Up,” she demands. Liv takes the cue and lifts her onto the counter so she can get a closer look at the cake. Clara’s brown eyes focus right on me as the most adorable grin spreads across her cheeks. “You like it? I didn’t know Mama’s favorite color, so I did mine.”

I laugh a little, taking in the lopsided dollops of icing all over the cake. “This is…” My words die because I have no idea what to say.

I look at Liv again, finding her watching me carefully. She’s got her hands over her mouth as her eyes cautiously scan my face. “Is it okay?” she asks quietly, her nerves evident with the shakiness of her question.

A wave of emotion I haven’t felt in years washes over me at the tenderness and cautiousness in her voice. The fact she would even question if this was okay or not really speaks to how caring she is about others. “Of course,” I answer, my voice gritty. “It’s more than okay. I can’t believe you…” It seems like I can’t even finish sentences. I’m in such shock by what she’s planned.

I sigh as I blink a few times. My eyes burn with unshed emotion. I open them again and meet Liv’s caring blue gaze. “Thank you,” I croak. “Just thank you.”

She rubs her lips together as she tries to fight a smile. It’s clear she’s not great at just accepting my gratitude. If only she knew how much this gesture meant to me. I was so concerned about how to properly celebrate Selena today when all along, Liv knew just what to do.

“Pippa baked the cake because I’m a terrible baker. Hattie told me Selena’s favorite was chocolate, so that’s what we went with. And then, well, Clara beautifully did the decorating, as you can tell.”

I stare at her. I should look at the cake, but I can’t look away from her. It isn’t lost on me how much planning she must’ve done to do this. Asking Hattie Selena’s favorite flavor, recruiting Pippa for help, she went above and beyond for today, and I don’t even know how to begin to thank her.

“We also got Mama a present!” Clara declares, lifting the present from the counter and pushing it into my chest.

I look down at the neatly wrapped gift. It’s got a bow on the top and simple yellow wrapping paper.

My eyes move from Clara to Liv, unsure if I’m supposed to open it or not. Luckily, my daughter decides for me. She grabs a corner of the wrapping paper and pulls, revealing part of what’s inside. It looks to be a large book of some sort.

“We worked really hard on this, Daddy,” Clara tells me, her voice totally serious.

“Did you?” I ask, still trying to get my emotions together enough for whatever’s inside. My mind still reels from how thoughtful it was for Liv to do this. I can’t move past it. I can’t move past how incredibly lucky I feel to have her in my life. To have her with me navigating the hard moments of life. Especially the ones like today, where I had no idea how to honor the amazing woman Selena was with the beautiful daughter we created and not make it too sad.

“Everyone helped. Mimi, Papa, Aunt Hattie, everyone .” Clara emphasizes the last one to really let me know how many people were involved.

I carefully pull the rest of the wrapping paper off until I’m left with a large book.

“It’s a rapbook,” Clara announces proudly, leaning over the book to get a better look.

Liv laughs. “Scrapbook,” she corrects, her tone gentle.

Clara looks at Liv for a moment. “Yeah. Scrapbook. Just like I said.”

Liv and I share a smile. That’s definitely not what she said to begin with, but we let her believe it is.

I run my fingers over the front cover. It’s plain leather with nothing on the front. I’m not sure how it’s a gift for Selena yet, but I open it to find out.

My hands still.

The very first page is a picture of Selena holding a newborn Clara.

“Mimi said that’s me!” Clara points to the picture of her. She leans even closer to inspect it. There are stickers all over the page, some even covering the picture. There are also butterflies that were clearly drawn by Clara.

I hope Liv doesn’t notice the way my hands shake as I take in the picture. I remember the day so vividly. Selena had mentioned she thought she was having contractions all day. Finally, after dinner, I convinced her we should go to the hospital. This picture was taken two hours later.

“That bow’s bigger than me, Daddy,” Clara whispers, still inspecting the picture. I laugh, remembering how I’d said almost the same exact thing to Selena. She hadn’t cared. She loved the huge, obnoxious bow on Clara, so I did, too.

“You remember that day?” Clara asks me.

I nod, my eyes misting over the memory. “I do, sweetie,” I croak. It was the best day of my life, and somehow, when I look at this picture of Selena holding our newborn daughter, I don’t feel sad. Not the way I used to. Instead, I’m catapulted to that very moment and the rush of happiness I felt welcoming our daughter into the world.

Clara turns the page for me, this time showing off a collage of photos from high school and college with Hattie and Selena. There are neatly printed descriptions below each picture from, I assume, Hattie, explaining what’s happening in each photo.

I continue to turn through the pages of the scrapbook as my eyes burn even more. Eventually, a tear I can’t stop runs down my cheek.

Clara sees it immediately. “Oh no, Daddy, don’t cry. Livvy said we were supposed to be happy when we look at these pictures of Mama. They’re good memories,” she informs me.

I close my eyes, knowing more tears are bound to fall after her statement.

Just when I thought Liv couldn’t get any more thoughtful, she does something like this.

“I’m not sad,” I manage to get out through the thickness in my throat. I rub a hand over my heart, not used to the constricting feeling in my chest. “I’m just—this was really nice of you and Livvy.”

I look at Liv, taking in the moment with her. She wears a party hat with little tiny dogs with balloons all over it. Her eyes watch me carefully. A whisper of a smile is on her lips as she bashfully looks at the counter for a moment before looking at me again. “I got as many pictures as I could from everyone in town. I figured it’d be nice to have a memory book of Selena on days like today. Or any day,” she adds last minute, her tone getting softer with the addition.

I swallow. The book is open in front of me, but for the moment, I just want to look at her. I hope she can read the emotions on my face and understand I’m terrible at words but that what she did today for me, for Clara, well, it means the world to me.

She’s beginning to mean the world to me, and it’s something I don’t think I can run from.

“This is the best gift anyone’s ever given me,” I tell her. My voice is barely above a whisper. That’s all I can get out through the stray tears that fall down my cheeks and the emotion clogging my voice.

She smiles so wide that I feel it all the way to my bones. Maybe even deeper—I feel it in my soul. I can fight it all I want, but this woman is imprinting herself on every fiber of my being, and I can’t stop it.

She’s my sunshine on a cloudy day, and I hadn’t realized how much I missed the sunshine. How much I really needed it…until her.