Chase Our Forever (Sutten Mountain #3)

38. Dean

38

DEAN

It’s beautiful tonight for November, so when I walk downstairs after putting Clara to bed, I’m not shocked to find Liv outside with Honey. I bought an outdoor space heater last week and put it on the porch because Liv has been so insistent on sitting outside every night despite some nights being colder than others.

I don’t think twice about joining her outside. It’s become our tradition. Honey’s tail thumps against the wood porch, but she doesn’t bother moving. She’s too comfortable lying in front of the heater.

“Mind if I join you?” I ask, holding up the bottle of wine.

Liv smiles because of course she does. It’s her. She lifts her blanket and pats the spot next to her. “Of course not.”

I close the distance and take a seat next to her. When she places the blanket on my lap and her thigh brushes ever so slightly against mine, I don’t scoot away from the small bit of contact between our bodies.

I can’t deny that I miss her, even when she’s sitting right next to me. I barely found out what it was like to freely touch her, kiss her, be inside her, but it was enough to ruin me. The memory of her is burned so vividly in my mind that even the smallest brush of our bodies makes me desperate for more.

I let out a loud sigh as I try to push the thoughts from my mind. I didn’t come out here to be reminded of what happened between us. Today was just a hard day, and I’m finding that I want to spend the hard days with her. Even if it’s just sitting on a porch swing with her as she reads her book. Just being in her presence calms me. It’s something I’ve come to accept instead of fighting.

Liv begins to close her book, but I reach across us and stop her. “You don’t have to stop reading. We don’t have to talk.”

She watches me carefully for a moment. The wind picks up a little and rustles her hair, blowing pieces of it into her face. My fingers twitch in my lap to reach up and tuck them behind her ear, but she beats me to it.

“I don’t mind. I was at a good stopping point.”

“You sure? I can sit here quietly. I just didn’t want to be alone.” It’s a half-truth. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be alone; I just wanted to be with her. Even sitting next to her in silence soothes something deep inside me.

She nods, carefully leaning over and placing the book on the porch.

She adjusts her position on the swing so that her back is against the armrest and her body faces mine. The way she keeps her legs tucked into her chest so she doesn’t encroach on my space doesn’t seem comfortable.

I know it probably isn’t the best idea, but I can’t bring myself to care enough to stop. Reaching forward, I grab her feet and place them in my lap. I adjust the blanket over us, making sure she stays covered with our new position.

We sit in silence for a bit. I don’t remember when, but at some point, my thumb begins running circles along the bottom of her sock-clad foot. Her toes stick out from underneath the blanket, showing off her socks that have flowers with smiley faces all over them. They fit her perfectly.

I smile, continuing to rub the bottom of her foot. When I look her way, I find her eyes already on me.

“Thank you for today,” I say, keeping my voice quiet and controlled. I wish I knew a better way to tell her just how much it meant to me that she went to such great lengths to celebrate Clara’s mother.

“I was so nervous you wouldn’t like it. Or you’d feel like I overstepped.” Her voice is timid and unsure. I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish I’d been able to be more open with her from the beginning so she didn’t feel like she had to walk on eggshells around me.

I watch her for a few moments as I try to think of the right thing to say to her. I want her to know that in the month she’s been here with us, she’s become part of our family. If you have good intentions, you can’t overstep when it comes to family. Not really. “You could never overstep, Liv.”

She gives me that radiant smile of hers that chips away at the stone around my heart. It’s so effortless to care for her…to feel stronger about her than I should.

I sigh, letting my head fall backward against the swing. “What am I going to do with you, sunshine?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re just too good. For me. For this world. I don’t deserve you, but I also can’t give you up.”

“You deserve all the good things, Dean.”

I roll my head to the side and really look at her. There’s a feeling that washes over me that if she stays another month or two—which I hope she does—that I won’t be able to keep things professional. Not that having her feet in my lap and feeling an intense need to be around her at all times is professional to begin with.

But I know that I can only keep pretending that I don’t have feelings for her for so long before I have to accept them. I never thought my heart would crave the company of someone else again, yet here I am, wondering if it’s possible for a cold, dark heart to come back to life.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about,” she whispers. She pulls her sweatshirt—well, actually mine—up closer to her face and folds her hand by her cheek to get comfortable against the back of the swing. She looks so relaxed and peaceful, the same way she makes me feel.

You. These days, it seems to always be you.

I keep that answer to myself for both of our sakes. I’m not ready to admit that to her. Not yet, at least.

So I go with something that has been on my mind a lot recently. “I was thinking about how I don’t know much about you. It seems like you know so much about me, but I know nothing about you.”

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder what she’s running from. I know it has to be something. There are clues here and there that tell me that she left Florida behind for a reason. I’ll never forget the fear in her eyes when she asked me not to tell her references where she was applying for a job.

I never called the references at all. They spoke so highly of her in the letters it didn’t seem necessary. Or maybe it was the fact I couldn’t get the desperate plea of her tone out of my head. I didn’t want to risk calling them and alerting whatever or whoever she’s running from as to where she’s ended up.

Liv’s eyes flutter shut for a moment as she mulls over my request. I won’t push her. If she says she doesn’t want to tell me about the life she knew before Sutten, I’ll let her brush it aside. I know firsthand how frustrating it is for people to demand you talk about something you’re not ready to discuss.

But fuck, I want her to trust me enough to tell me about her past. I opened up to her faster than I ever thought I could. I just want to be someone she’s comfortable enough with to do the same.

It stays quiet between us for a while. I don’t try to fill it, instead hoping if I give her enough time to think that she’ll decide to trust me.

“I don’t know where to start,” she finally confesses. “I’m not that interesting.”

I shake my head. “Anything about you is interesting to me.”

She tries to fight a smile by pulling her lip between her teeth, but it doesn’t work for long. Her lips spread into a soft smile as her perfect, deep dimples make an appearance. “I just don’t want you to feel bad for me. I grew up in not the best of circumstances, but I’m okay. I’m more than okay right now.” Her voice gets softer with the last sentence, but even though her tone is soft, it packs a punch to my heart.

I hope she means she’s more than okay right now because she’s here safe with Clara and me. That maybe things didn’t used to be great for her, but she feels differently now.

All in all, I just hope she feels happy. Happy enough to stay here with us. Maybe even forever if we’re lucky. I try not to think about what that actually means for me to want something like that. It’s not something I’m ready to face, not tonight.

“I know what it’s like to have people pity you, sunshine. I know you’re too strong to be pitied. I can already tell you that I’ll never pity you. Whatever you’ve had to endure, I care enough about you to want to protect you from ever having to face it again.”

Her mouth parts as a small little gasp falls from her lips. She blinks a few times, as if she’s completely stunned by my words. I repeat them in my head, wondering if I said too much. “Why are you looking at me like that?” My eyes scan her face as my heart picks up speed. Hopefully, I didn’t say the wrong thing. I was just letting myself be honest with her and not hold back with her for once.

“You said you care about me.” Her voice is hesitant, as if she’s also unsure if she should be saying it out loud or not.

I frown a little. “Of course I care about you. I thought that was obvious.”

She lifts her eyebrows. “Is anything obvious with you, Dean Livingston?”

I grunt as I narrow my eyes at her a little. She has a fair point. It does make me annoyed with myself a little that I have her questioning if I care about her or not. The problem has never been if I cared about her. It’s been that I care about her too much, and it happened quicker than I ever expected.

“You don’t have to tell me everything about your past and what it looked like. Just tell me something. Anything.”

She nods her head as she shifts her position on the swing. She doesn’t pull her feet from my lap. If anything, she nestles them against my stomach as if she’s trying to warm them up with my body heat. “There’s not that much to it, I promise. Mom left me as a newborn with my father and never came back. The man she left me with was not prepared—or fit—to be a father. He was a drug addict, had a mean temper, and ran with bad people. I was in and out of his care as a child. Saved for years to be able to leave home when I finally turned eighteen. Found out a week before my birthday my father had found my stash and spent it all on drugs. Secretly saved again for years to get away, and here I am.”

I stare at her in disbelief. I have so many more questions, but I don’t want to bombard her with them. One stands out more than the others. I swallow, rage already seeping into my veins at her story without even knowing the answer to my next question. “Did he ever hurt you?”

The sad smile she gives me tells me everything I need to know. I clench my jaw as the rage inside me builds.

“I’m okay, Dean. Promise. I got out.”

A strangled noise comes from deep in my throat as I want to fire off a million questions at once. The biggest being what her father’s name is and how do I find him. He deserves hell after what he put her through, and I know she hasn’t even told me all of it.

As a single father to a daughter, I can’t imagine ever putting my daughter in harm’s way. My entire existence revolves around Clara. I’m constantly wondering about how to keep her safe. I go to bed every night worrying if she felt loved. I can’t imagine how Liv must’ve felt in her own home. She was let down by the two people who were supposed to love her the most in this world. How could her father live with himself after treating her this way? He doesn’t even deserve to be related to someone as beautiful and incredible as Liv.

Liv leans forward so that our faces are only inches apart. She rests her forearms on her knees as her eyes briefly look at my lips before looking me in the eyes again. “Whatever you’re thinking right now, stop,” she whispers. “He’s not worth any more of your thoughts.”

“Will he come looking for you?” Panic starts to build as I imagine him coming to Sutten to find her. She’s made it sound like she’s been careful enough that there’s no way he’d know where she is, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying.

Liv shakes her head, giving me the smallest bit of relief. “No. He won’t waste his time on that.”

My chest still feels tight, but I have to accept her answer. She sounds confident, and that gives me the smallest piece of mind. “Okay,” I respond.

“Now, let’s not talk about him. He doesn’t deserve it.”

I nod, and before I think better of it, I’m reaching out and cupping her cheek. “Tell me something else then. If you could be anywhere in the world, do anything in the world, what would it be?”

She smiles, and I love that she nuzzles deeper into my touch. I crave a physical connection with her. Just the simple press of our skin lights something deep inside me. “That’s a hard question. I love it here in Sutten. It’s everything I imagined a small town to be and more.”

“Okay, so if you could do anything here in Sutten, what would it be?”

“I love being Clara’s nanny. It feels like I have a family again between you two, your family, Pippa, Lexi. Everyone in this small town has accepted me this last month. I’m happy being a nanny.”

Her words comfort me. There’s nothing I want more than for her to want to stay here. But I also wonder if she’s ever allowed herself to dream big, to want more for herself. “Think bigger.” My words come out pleading, and I’m not sure why. She’s given me the answer I should want. I should want her to want to be Clara’s nanny forever. But Clara won’t always need a nanny, and for some reason, I want Liv to envision herself doing something different in Sutten when that time comes. Maybe then she won’t leave.

Even in the dim lights of the porch, I can see the blush that creeps up her cheeks. “I think it’d be fun to work at a bookstore. Maybe Bluebird Books will have an opening for me when the time comes.”

I smile wide, my fingers twitching against her skin at her answer. Her answer makes my shoulders relax a little as my heart perks up as well. I like the way she talks, as if she sees a future here. I’m afraid of how much I want her to make Sutten her permanent home.

Tonight, I find comfort in her presence and the knowledge that she doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon. Tonight, that’s all I need.