Chase Our Forever (Sutten Mountain #3)

46. Dean

46

DEAN

Mom’s shoulder bumping against mine pulls me from thoughts of Liv and what she’d told me in her closet.

“You seem awfully deep in thought,” Mom notes, taking a seat next to me on the couch in Dad’s study. Clara was in here sitting at Dad’s desk, coloring a picture before she ran off somewhere with Miles and Jack. I meant to follow her out, but I got lost in my own head and forgot all about it.

I let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah. I guess I was.”

Mom crosses her legs and adjusts her dress, pinning her gaze on me. “Want to talk about it?”

I look at my feet, unsure of what I’d even tell her. My guess is that after Liv’s declaration of love, she wouldn’t mind me telling my mother, but I also don’t know that for sure. “I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

My mind goes back to Liv. To the happiness in her eyes. The hope in her smile. She seemed so confident telling me she loved me, and it terrified me.

Mom reaches across the couch cushions and grabs my hand. “Am I right to assume it’s something to do with Liv?”

I lift my head to look at her. A sad laugh escapes from my lips. “Is it that obvious?”

“Only because you’re my son and I know how to read you.”

I nod, running my hands down my face as I try to decide if I can even voice my thoughts well enough to talk it over with her.

She squeezes my hand reassuringly. “You don’t have to keep those thoughts of yours bottled up inside, dear. I know it’s what you’re used to, but it’s okay to let them out…to let yourself feel.”

I swallow slowly, trying not to remember what happened the last time I let myself feel. When I look at her, my face crumples.

“I promised myself to not feel again, Mom,” I whisper, worried if I raise my voice any more my words will come out broken. “I can’t feel again.”

She nods in only the way a mom can. The one that tells you she’s soaking in your words and really thinking them over. That she understands you and will love you no matter what you say. “But you do,” she responds. It isn’t a question. She can tell just by my reaction how much I’ve failed at keeping myself from getting hurt again.

I don’t answer her. Instead, I look out the window as I take a steadying breath. “Liv told me she loved me today. That she was in love with me.”

Mom’s only response is a small hum. Her fingers squeeze mine as she thinks about what to say back. I can feel her gaze against my cheek even though I don’t look over at her.

“I can’t say I’m shocked,” she finally responds. She keeps her voice cool and composed, the total opposite of what mine is when I do manage to get words out. “She looks at you with so much love it warms my heart as your mother. She looks at Clara that way, too.”

“I know. She’s perfect. It’s just terrifying. What if she leaves? What if something happens to her? There were days I didn’t think I’d survive Selena’s death. And now I’m going to open myself up to that pain again? Open Clara up to the prospect of being hurt?”

She nods, her eyes roaming the room for a minute before she lets out a deep sigh and looks at me. “I think there are two things you can’t control in life—we don’t get to decide when we die, and we don’t get to decide when we fall in love. Selena was taken far too soon. You’ll miss her for the rest of your life. You’ll love her for the rest of your life. But listen to my words carefully: You still have the rest of your life. You don’t know how long that’ll be, but you can’t spend it being afraid of forces outside of your control. Selena would want you to be happy, Dean. She’d want you to fall in love again. I think we can both agree that you’ve already fallen in love with Liv. You just haven’t accepted it—that is something you can control.”

There’s a heaviness in my chest as her words sink in. I never thought I’d have this conversation. No part of me ever thought I’d fall in love again. “I wasn’t prepared to fall in love again, Mom. I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“How lucky are you, honey? To get two epic loves in your lifetime. Some people go their whole life without getting one. It’s time to allow yourself to accept the love you’re more than deserving of.”

I swallow the lump in my throat, my eyes stinging with unshed tears.

If I were honest with myself, I’d admit that my mother’s right. We can’t control when we fall in love. I wasn’t ready to fall for Liv, but I did. I love her despite all the pain of my past and all the fears that consume me. I love her so much it terrifies me.

I’m about to respond when Clara runs into the room with Honey hot on her heels. She doesn’t look twice at my mom or me as she runs right to the window. She presses her face to the window and smiles. “Daddy, it’s Mama!” she yells.

Mom and I share a look before I focus back on Clara. She hasn’t moved. Her nose stays scrunched against the glass as the window fogs up in front of her mouth.

“What do you mean?” I ask, standing up to join Clara.

She presses her finger to the glass. “See, right there. It’s Mama.”

Mom and I both look at what she’s pointing at. There’s a cardinal outside the window. It looks right at us as snow begins to fall.

I swallow, not knowing why Clara thinks the bird is her mom but not knowing what to say to her.

“Mama told me while I was sleeping she’d come visit me. I know that’s her, Daddy.”

My eyes get misty all over again at her words. I look at my mom, wondering what this means. Clara seems so confident. Tears stream down Mom’s cheeks as she looks back to the cardinal still perched on a tree branch right in front of us. The snow begins to fall even harder, earlier than any of us were expecting, but the red feathers of the cardinal still stick out against the snow blowing around.

Clara turns and grabs my hand. She pulls on it a little, waiting for me to look down at her before speaking. I try to keep my composure as my eyes meet my daughter’s. Clara smiles, and it looks so much like Selena’s that it tugs at my heart. I miss Selena so much, but I feel so incredibly lucky that I get to keep this part of her. Clara tugs at my hand again, trying to pull me to her level. I follow her lead, crouching down so she and I are eye to eye.

Her small, warm hand finds my cheek as her smile grows. “Mama told me to tell you it’s okay to be happy, Daddy.”

Mom gasps behind me as my body goes still at Clara’s words. Emotion washes over me. I rub the heel of my hand over my chest as a dull throbbing takes over. The world around me gets fuzzy, and I feel light-headed as I try to absorb what she’s saying.

“She said that?” I ask, my voice breaking. I hate that I don’t sound strong for her, that she’s witnessing me fall apart in front of her eyes. But I can’t help it. The timing of her words seems too perfect. I have to believe that, somehow, her words are true. That this can’t be a coincidence.

That maybe Selena is giving me the sign I need to allow happiness in again. To love again.

Clara nods, her little thumb wiping over my cheekbone where I hadn’t realized a tear had fallen. “Don’t cry. She said everything will be okay. That she’s here and that she wants you, Livvy, and me to be happy.”

Hearing her say Liv’s name makes me break. I pull my daughter into my arms and nestle my face into her hair. My emotions get the better of me, but she doesn’t comment on the way my body shakes as I hold her. She hugs me back and somehow is the strong one between the two of us. Her little hand rubs on my back.

“Mimi, why are you crying, too?” Clara asks, her chin resting on my shoulder as she looks at my mom.

I stand up, bringing Clara with me as I lift her in my arms. When we turn to face my mom, her eyes are red, and her cheeks are wet.

“I’m okay, sweetie,” Mom tells Clara, closing the distance between us and patting the top of her head. “It was just…really special to hear you say that.”

Clara looks between Mom and me for a moment before she looks back out the window. The bird’s still there, watching us through the downfall of snow. Clara reaches out to press her hand against the window. I mimic her gesture, something coming over me, making me feel like it’s what I needed to do.

As if on cue, the bird takes flight. It flies right to the window, its wings flapping quickly as it keeps itself right in front of us before flying away.

We watch it disappear in silence. I’d like to believe that the bird was a sign from Selena somehow. That she found a way to ease my fears about letting myself fall in love again.

Mom lets out a shaky breath next to me. She puts her hand on my shoulder and leans her head against it. “I think that’s all the sign you need. Time to let yourself be happy again.”

Clara nods before her attention turns to Honey, who’s trying to jump onto the couch to get comfortable. She laughs, and I set her down, taking one calming breath after another to try and process what just happened.

I meet my mom’s eyes and let my face break out into a smile, tears still coating my cheeks. “I think it’s time for us to head home. I want to make sure Liv made it back safely. There’s something I’ve got to tell her.”

Mom gives my shoulder a squeeze before pulling away and nodding. “About time.”

I pull her in for a hug, hoping she understands how much I needed this talk with her. It was good to voice all of my fears and have her talk me through it. Clara’s interruption was unexpected, but it was the final thing I needed to feel assured in my decision to tell Liv I’ve fallen for her.

It’s absolutely terrifying to let myself love someone deeply again. I’m all too aware of the devastation that follows after losing someone you love. But my mother is right. I can’t control what happens in life. Tomorrow isn’t promised, and I don’t want to lose one of the best things to ever happen to me just because I’m scared of what can happen.

I don’t want to live in fear for the rest of my life.

The cardinal and Clara’s words were a sign. Selena would want me to be happy. And somehow, I’m lucky enough to have found someone to brighten up my world again.

I can’t lose that. I have to tell Liv that I love her and that I plan on loving her for the rest of my life. I’m quick at saying goodbye to the rest of my family and getting Clara into the truck, desperate to get home and tell Liv what I should’ve told her earlier in the day.

Now that I’m ready to give my heart to someone again, I don’t want to waste another second. I don’t want to wait. I’m ready for the rest of our lives to start right now.

All I have to do is get home to her sunshine smile and tell her that.