Christmas Cancellation

12. NOELLE

Chapter twelve

M an, oh man, how I wanted to run my fingers over his muscular bare chest and trace the lines of his tattoos with my tongue. I’d never been with a man like him—strong and domineering. All the guys I’d been with had been…well, average. I doubted Kol had any genuine interest in me. I was betting he only saw me as some immature girl who was fun to hook up with. And I was definitely not the type of woman he would choose to date. He’d claimed he was selective, which made me want to prove I was good enough. I laughed internally, still buzzing from the thrill of how I’d just impressed the big bad Night Stalker himself with my ability to take him deep into my throat.

Fighting a laugh, I thought about how I’d learned to control my gag reflex. Should I tell him? Maybe he wouldn’t find it as funny as I did. I debated it for a moment. The mischievous part of me won out, and I started to giggle, unable to contain it any longer.

Kol brows scrunched together. “All right, just tell me. Whatever it is, get it out of your system.”

I shook my head, still laughing. “Well, I was just thinking about how you said you didn’t want to know how I learned to take a man into my throat like that.” Kol pulled his hand from mine and let it fall onto his thigh. Frowning slightly, he fidgeted as though he was uncomfortable with where this conversation was going. “No, really, it’s not what you’re thinking.”

He gave me an annoyed look. “Really, I don’t need the mental image.”

“Oh my gosh, you’re being ridiculous.” I huffed. “Just let me explain. It’s something I learned when I was hanging out with my friends, not some guy. You see, when you grow up showing horses, you spend lots of time at the barn riding any horse or pony you can get your hands on. You even do homeschooling during show season. This means you also spend lots of time with people of all ages—mostly girls. Trust me, you will get a well-rounded education at a show barn.”

I rolled my eyes, memories of those days flashing through my mind. “Let’s just say once you’ve seen horses get it on, there’s not much left for the imagination.” I took a breath, my laughter bubbling up again. “So anyway, barn girls are known for their bravery and competitive spirit, even when it comes to who knows the dirtiest of secrets.”

Kol’s expression softened with amusement as I continued to babble on about riding. “There’s something about bonding over the day-in and day-out dangers of riding the type of ponies that will jump a three-foot oxer with a bunch of crazy-looking flowers blowing in the wind all around the course. Horses get freaked out by anything odd or different. So a big part of showing is proving that your horse is trained well enough not to react and still be submissive enough to follow your lead. Riding is a humbling sport—everyone gets their turn hitting the dirt.”

Listening intently, Kol tilted his head and ran his hand over his chin. He seemed surprised by the little bit of my past I was sharing.

“Well, anyway. Getting back to on topic,” I went on, “one of the rites of passage was learning to get over your gag reflex by swallowing a banana. It’s a miracle one of us didn’t choke to death.” I shook my head, thinking back to all the insane things we’d done while hanging out at the barn. “Our parents would just drop us off and assume we were too busy to get into much trouble. If they only knew.” I laughed at the memories that seemed so distant now.

“So, has your little party trick impressed all the guys you’ve hooked up with?” he asked, his voice laced with sarcasm, but I could detect the jealousy pricking at his words.

“Like I told you,” I reassured him quickly, “I haven’t been with very many guys. And Blake didn’t have any interest in me doing anything like that to him or in going down on me. He wasn’t much of a kisser either; he was more of a hop-on-hop-off kind of guy.”

Kol grunted, his eyes darkening. “Sounds like a wuss. Totally self-absorbed. I don’t see you dating a guy like that.”

“He looked good on paper. You know, perfect resume, driven to run his own agency one day. He comes from money, has a trust fund, wears bespoke suits. At first”—I sighed—“I was impressed by his credentials and work ethic. That is, until I realized he had absolutely no artistic vision or creativity. But he was excellent at schmoozing, and he knew everything about everyone in the industry.”

Kol studied me momentarily but remained silent .

“He is history,” I said firmly, frowning as memories surfaced again. “Honestly, there’s nothing about him to miss…except the promotion that should have been mine. Ugh! Let’s not talk about this. All I wanted tonight was to not think about my train wreck of a life. I just wanted you to fuck me until I couldn’t remember my name…but no, here we are, rehashing why Noelle Nichols is the biggest loser.”

Kol whipped around and grabbed my face, turning it toward him and squeezing my cheeks between his fingers.

“You listen to me, and you listen good,” he said in a low growl, which got my attention real quick. “You’re not a loser, Noelle. Things in your life might not be going the way you had mapped them out, but that doesn’t mean you give up. Have you ever thought that maybe the direction you were headed was the worst thing for you in the long run? Stop and think about what your life would have been like if you’d ended up with that arrogant prick, Blake—shallow and unfulfilled.”

His grip tightened just enough to make me focus solely on him. “You need to keep in mind that, on your worst day, you’ve got it better than eighty percent of the people on this planet. Life’s always going to throw you in the dirt, just like those ponies you used to ride. Tell me, what did your trainer make you do when that happened?”

With my face still squished between his fingers, I mumbled, “Get back on.”

“That’s right,” he said, releasing my face and leaving a ghostly imprint of his touch. “You’re too capable to take the lazy way out. Whatever happened in your past to make you think you shouldn’t have been born is something it’s time you got over.”

“You know,” I whispered, “I never thought I’d end up here. Not just here, in this house, but here, feeling so…lost.”

Kol regarded me seriously, the firelight flickering in his eyes. “Lost isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s just a step on the path to finding yourself.”

I swallowed hard. “I didn’t mean for you to hear what I said at the airport. I guess I’ve just…I’ve felt that way a lot lately.” The admission weighed heavily on my chest. “Everything keeps going wrong, and I’m tired of trying so hard for nothing. It feels like nothing I do matters.”

Kol’s jaw clenched. “I don’t know why the hell you’d think something like that, but you’re wrong. You have no idea how much your life matters.”

I shook my head, biting my lip. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Maybe not,” he said, his eyes hardening with resolve, “but that doesn’t mean you’re not wrong. You think you don’t matter? You think the world would be better off without you? That’s bullshit, Noelle.”

His words hit me like a slap, and my heart stuttered. I couldn’t respond.

“You don’t even see it, do you?” Kol cupped my cheek and said emphatically, “Every person you meet, every conversation, every moment you share—it all matters. Everyone has a purpose, whether or not they know it.”

I blinked up at him, the lump in my throat growing. “But what if I never figure out what that purpose is? What if I just keep screwing up, one bad decision after another?”

Kol let out a long breath, his eyes never leaving mine. “Everyone screws up. Life’s full of bad decisions. Hell, I’ve made more than I can count. But you don’t get to check out just because things aren’t going the way you planned.” His voice softened just a bit, a note of sincerity threading through as he said, “You’re stronger than that. ”

I bit my lip, trying to keep the tears at bay. “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. It’s like no matter how hard I try, nothing ever works out.”

“Maybe that’s because you’re chasing the wrong things,” Kol said, sitting back slightly. “Maybe all this time, you’ve been focusing on what you think you’re supposed to want instead of what really makes you happy.”

My throat tightened again, and I thought about that as I stared at him. “And what do you think would make me happy?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. But I do know this—whatever’s making you think your life isn’t worth living, it’s not who you are. And it sure as hell isn’t where your story ends.”

I nodded, taking a deep breath. “I guess I’ve been so focused on what I thought I wanted, I forgot to think about what I needed.”

“And what do you need, Noelle?” Kol asked, stretching his arms along the edge of the couch.

“I don’t know.”

“Then it’s time you figure that out.”

He was being blunt, but not in a way that offended me. It was a wake-up call I hadn’t realized I needed. For a few moments, I sat quietly, absorbing his words and processing the feelings they had stirred up within me. I’d been avoiding the truth for far too long.

Tossing back the rest of my wine, I simply replied, “You’re right.”

Without a word, I reached for the bottle and poured myself another glass, the rich, red liquid sloshing against the sides. As I brought the glass to my lips, I marveled at the man sitting beside me.

Wow, this guy not only understood me in a way no one else did, he didn’t take any of my bullshit either. He spoke his mind and didn’t mince words. His brutal honesty was refreshing—so different from the veiled politeness and backstabbing gossip I had become accustomed to since I’d moved to Atlanta and started working at the Martindale Agency.

Actually, Kol reminded me of my father—a straight shooter who had never lied or taken advantage of anyone. How had I lost my way so badly? Why had I wasted so much time and effort on a jerk like Blake? Somewhere between striving to keep up with girls who had everything handed to them and chasing a career that didn’t feel like mine, I’d lost sight of what made me happy. Why had I felt it was so important to go off to a school like NYU, earn a master’s in marketing, and pursue a job that was more about the paycheck than the passion? Had I been trying to prove something to people who didn’t even matter? Those girls, with their perfectly trained, expensive horses, never knew the joy of working with an off-the-track thoroughbred, a horse discarded like garbage because it wasn’t the fastest. But I did. I loved training them, watching them transform into incredible hunters and jumpers. They were horses with heart and grit. Maybe that was what I was missing. Maybe that was what I was meant to do—work with horses like my parents had. The realization hit me hard, like a punch to the gut. Kol’s words had been a much-needed reality check.

I drained my glass fast and set it down with a decisive clack. Kol had turned toward the fire, and I felt that I should say something to him, react in some way to what he’d said, but all I could do was sit there…

For the first time in a long time, I felt a glimmer of hope—a sense that maybe I could find my way back to the person I used to be, the person who wasn’t afraid to get back on the horse, no matter how many times she got thrown off .

I tucked my legs under me and turned to face Kol. I couldn’t resist the urge to poke at the confident exterior he wore like a second skin. “Are you always right?” I asked.

He quirked an eyebrow, not even bothering to look at me as he replied, “Usually.”

A burst of laughter escaped my lips. “Good to know you’re so humble.”

Kol rubbed his fingers over his mouth, a small smirk playing on his lips. He rocked his head to the side, turning to consider me. “I guess we should call it a night,” he said, getting up and heading over to the fireplace. He added a couple of logs and poked at the others, rekindling the fire with ease.

As he moved, I admired the sight of his muscular back and broad shoulders. Then I stood up, unbuttoned his shirt, and slid it off.

When he turned around and saw me standing there, completely naked and holding his shirt, surprise registered in his eyes, quickly replaced by a mix of desire and conflict.